Longing to be loved 2

[TheEvilJester]

You know, a popular phrase with recovery and things like that is often "Rome wasn't built in a day." Okay, so I don't know if what you are doing is necessarily "recovery" per se. I guess, maybe, if you felt you had an addiction to that release then maybe it is. But, whether it is or not, I think it applies here.

You had a slip up. That is a shame.... but you are human. It happens. Don't beat yourself up too much. Nothing wrong with trying to do better, striving to get to the point where you don't lapse. ....but at the same time, look how well you were doing. Slip ups may happen from time to time. In time, hopefully you can and will get to the point where it is within your control. Whether that means never doing that at all, or whether it means only doing it here and there in such a way where you don't feel bad about it. Whatever that means for you, hopefully you ultimately achieve that.

But, don't let one slip up, or even a slip up here and there, bring you down too much. As long as you do your very best not to make it a slippery slope where all your progress is lost. Even the best of us has a bad moment now and then.

As for the teddy bear you mentioned, the one that you connect to your ex... It can be hard to completely let go of a relationship that, at one time, you maybe thought could be something really special. Especially in a case like yours where she was the first person you ever really went all the way into a serious relationship with in your life. You will eventually reach a time when you realize she is in your past for good and realize that you are actually probably better off that she is. Maybe you'll then be able to get rid of the teddy bear, or maybe you'll decide to keep it around but it will no longer have the same negative influence on you.

Life is often a series of ups and downs. It might be nice if things could always be amazing and awesome. But, that just isn't life. Unfortunately, the bad times, the tough times will always come around. But that doesn't mean it ISN'T worth fighting through them and back to the good times. Heck, quite the contrary. That is all the more reason it IS worth fighting through the bad times and back to the good times.

Anyway, you can do it, PC. You were doing so well. Don't let one tiny slip up set you back. You can do it!

[pcmaster]

Thanks Jester. It sure was big slip but I learned to recover fast.
That's why we fall - to learn pick ourselfes up.

[TheEvilJester]

That's why we fall - to learn pick ourselfes up.

And become Batman?!?! AWESOME! LOL!

[pcmaster]

I feel so lonely tonite. Now when I think back about this week then its been pretty damn socialy bussy but I been really high in Tuesday. You know you been high when you feeling low. So monday I met with one girl and guy from church. We 3 know eachother already 8 months and been to pretty great adventures this summer. But monday was great too cause we went to teehause in capital city. Never been there before but you do take shoes off and sit on pillows and drink tea. I drinked yerba mate tea. Its like 10 times stronger than coffee as I got told from girl at a till.

Anyway so we 3 sat down and talked about God, life, relationships, dating sites and pickups(talk up stranger girls on a street). It felt really good and girl looked so beautiful that this could be her best since I know her. Her laughter - she was the heart of our little company. Before I didnt noticed how soft is her heart and how compassionate she is. For example she said since she turned to faith, a lot of people on a street been coming up to her and asking for money, she gave them money but then realized that its an easy way out to give money, that its better to talk to them and get to know the problem and try to help.

Anyway after this night out I wrote to her and to guy how special this night out was. And girl replied right away. Next day I felt really good and remembered how beautiful she was. I felt like in love and started to dream but hold myself back cause she is too good for me. Was thinking about it but in the end decided to tell her how I saw her that night(How pretty she looked and that she was heart of our company). She replied: Pcmaster ! Thanks for kind words.
If she liked me too she would say so but guess she dont feel the same way about me.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I don't know the exact content of what you said to her, but maybe she just took it as a compliment and didn't think you had any intentions beyond that. Beyond just complimenting her. Was your intention to imply that you "like her" like her, so to speak? If so, maybe you didn't make that clear.

I will say that if I were you I would be having the same thoughts you shared, though. That would be exactly the same way I'd feel based on her response. All she had to say was "Thanks for the kind words?" I'd be drawing the same conclusions as you.

...But, hey. Think of it this way. You tried. I'll bet that wasn't easy. I'll bet there was some part of you that was tempted not to even risk giving it a chance. Yet you tried anyway. Often times, dating is a process. As nice as it would be, you can't necessarily expect to succeed each time. As much as you can, try not to get too discouraged. MUCH easier said than done, I know.

But, I think you are focusing on the wrong facts. Maybe you tried and she did not seem to return interest. But... you tried. That, to me, is the more important thing. Maybe she didn't return the interest, but eventually some girl will. And, again, not being close enough to the situation, I can't necessarily say for sure whether or not her response actually DID indicate she didn't have the same interest. There is, again, maybe the possibility that she didn't realize there was more to it than just you sharing a kind word or two.

Best of luck, good buddy. Some days are better than others, but I believe in you. The best things in life are often the hardest to get. But they are worth the effort.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for support Jester. I think best I can do now is pray for her that she finds a guy who is worthy of her.

Its been half a year since things ended with The Girl. I know this cause I just came back from same town where I was when things ended and event I attented happens after every half a year.

It was pretty cool weekend. A lot of talking and praying, singing gospels and basicaly hard core spiritual life. But also a lot of laughts and good company. We were like 100 people with 9 people from our company - 4 guys and 5 girls. We spend late nights in girls room talking about faith and all kind of other stuff, just getting to know eachother. I was chilling in girls beds - one night in one girl bed and other 2 times in another girl bed. Sure girls was present in their beds as well but ofcourse no touching, just talking. I was the chillest of the guys since other guys did sit on chairs.

Because of all the faithfuly spiritual things we did I was expecting miracles this time cause I imersed myself fully into all the processes, like singing and praying. But instead it was good and enjoyable good feeling that gradualy went up. Sure some miracles did happen to others. One girl even said that her heart became 4 times bigger. That must be that holy spirit about what all this weekend was about.

Anyway something changed in me too - my heart really softened during last day since when I was singing in church this song and it was hard not to cry how touching it was. I was unable to cry for the last 3-4 years, I wish I could have cried after breakups with girls but couldnt. I think I had to become whole again to be able cry again.

When love begins to release its fragrance.
Heaven is nearby.
When the walls that imprison our hearts begin to collapse.
Heaven is nearby.

When the (ancient) ruins are rebuilt.
And your deep hurt is healed.
When it begins to rain in the (dry) desert.
Heaven is nearby.

When the gates of peace begin to open.
Heaven is nearby.
When the light of love starts bringing warmth.
Heaven is nearby.

When the chains or doubt are chopped in pieces
And when your deep hurt is healed
When your heart starts to live again
Heaven is nearby.

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes something in us becomes almost damaged... or disconnected, maybe. I've been there myself. In so much pain, but unable to cry, or scream, or let it out. Something. Anything. Numb. Numb would be a good way to describe it. Empty.

Sometimes you can get through that alone... sometimes it takes something. That something can be different for different people, but it just takes something to make you feel full again. Feel complete.

It sounds like maybe your faith has started to be that for you. If so, that is great. That can be the answer for a lot of people. And faith can be wonderful when you find it.... or it finds you. Like I've said.... how you feel about YOU is so much more important than whether or not you have somebody special. A significant other. It does sound like you still struggle with that here and there (don't we all) but it sounds like you are becoming more and more comfortable within yourself. And I am so happy for you for that.

I still hope you find that special somebody you deserve very soon. But, in the meantime, try not to put too much emphasis or importance on it as much as you can help it. Instead, focus on being good to you, and being good in general.

As always, best of luck to you.

[pcmaster]

A lot been happening lately. Jester.

I fell in love with a girl from a church 2 weeks ago and she said that we are friends and she dont see it otherwise. Anyway it broke me inside and I fell back into black. Now feel distanced from God again despite that was so close before. But still going to church, just less bible reading lately.

Anyway I was messaging with other girl who are friend and got to know that she knows knitting. So that interested me and now she is knitting jumper for me. So thats nice, real usefulness from a friend.

Hows your life been going? Whats been your adventures with girl or friends lately?

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry to hear that. You know what? That's her loss. But, as many people will tell you, that is love sometimes. Sad but true. Sometimes you have to ask a lot of women out before you will find one that will give you a chance. Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you become one of those guys who just asks out every female with a pulse hoping somebody will say yes. Personally, that is NOT my style at all. I could be wrong, but I get the impression it isn't your style either.

I'm just saying that you can't let a few "no's" discourage you from continuing to look for that one "yes." Believe me, I know it sucks to be rejected, and I know how hard it can be not to get discouraged. But, that is just life sometimes. Heck, if it were easy maybe it wouldn't be quite as special. You WILL find somebody special some day.

I understand, too, how things like this can even shake your faith somewhat. Even though it isn't like you found your faith just as an excuse to find women. You found your faith because it felt right for you. Because it helped you feel better about you. ...But you can't help feeling a little disillusioned when things don't work out for you in that aspect anyway, and that can lead to questions that are tough to answer.

You seem to have been enjoying your faith before, so I hope that can continue for you. I hope it can help you start to find the strength to bounce back even from the hard times, and to eventually find your way to the good times.

My life, honestly, hasn't changed much since you last asked me about it. For the last couple years or so, I've been sharing how I had a whole sort of "meh" kind of attitude toward love these days. I've said how I've found happiness on my own and it has made me content enough that I just don't see the point in love anymore.... for me anyway.

That's pretty much still where I am. I've accepted it is not happening for me. That it never will. Not long ago, with that realization setting in, I started having a pretty important internal conversation. That being basically... what if I AM right? What if love isn't meant for me, is never going to happen for me? I've said this before, but I finally came to the conclusion that if that is the case, I don't want the answer to be that I'll be angry and depressed and miserable for the rest of my life. So, instead, I've focused on how do I be happy without it?

Some days are good, some days are bad, some days are GREAT. But... generally speaking... it has been working pretty well for me. I've just tried for way too long to fight what just seems to be my nature. People just aren't drawn to me. Nobody cares about me. Never really have, never really will. I can disappear in a crowd. I used to try to fight that. Tried to fit in. Tried to change that. It doesn't work. What's worse, it only makes me MORE miserable and feel MORE alone. I finally realized... why fight it? I need to care about me, and I'd never really done that properly before. I like who I am.... and that is a big accomplishment for me.

I still have SO much love to give.... I'm just trying to figure out how the heck I share that with the world if it isn't going to be in the way I thought. I still don't know what that is... but maybe I'll find it some day. And I still haven't gone completely cold, either. I'm trying, as best I can, not to let that happen. If life decided to prove me wrong after all.... if love found me anyway.... I wouldn't throw it away. I would embrace it. I'm just tired of letting my fate bring me so much hurt. I've taken away its power to hurt me.

I am enough for me. I have to be.

My greatest wish for you, PC, would be to achieve that same level of inner-peace.... but then to also find love anyway. For now, I guess just focus on finding that inner-peace. Focusing on loving you. Because you definitely deserve that. You deserve a great love as well, of course, but you deserve to be good to you. Best of luck, my friend.