Longing to be loved 2

[janelove121]

Contact Dr. DUGO on E-mail: dugo_d@yahoocom, he has the spiritual charm to make everything right back for you. Trust me

[TheEvilJester]

To be entirely fair, I'm not scared of being hurt in the slightest. Being hurt is basically my life experience. I KNOW I can endure and even grow stronger because of being hurt. I guess it is just more that sometimes it becomes hard not to get sick of that. Sometimes it gets hard not to take a step back and think "I don't care that I CAN survive being hurt... I don't deserve to HAVE to." People never seem to understand that, and that is why everybody always draws the same conclusions. "You're just scared of being hurt." "You are just hiding some deep pain." Things like that. Couldn't be further from the truth for me. I've dealt with a lot of pain in life and I've always survived. Thrived even because of it. I'm not afraid to face pain. Only by enduring it can we become stronger for it.

But, again, nobody ever wants to believe that. They all draw the same conclusions no matter what I say. So, honestly, believe what you want. It doesn't really matter to me. I honestly understand why people draw those conclusions all the time. It's hard to understand. I barely understand it myself. But, those conclusions aren't true with me. I'm not afraid of pain, I'm not afraid of rejection. They are certainly no strangers to me and I've learned to endure.

I guess it is sort of like the old saying about the definition of insanity. Trying the same thing over and over and yet expecting different results. I've tried to actively seek out love and it only ends in failure and misery. It only makes me feel worse and feel MORE alone. So, at the end of the day, why do that to myself?

I'm not closing myself off to love. If the opportunity were to arise, I wouldn't avoid it. But, I just find it feels better/healthier for me not to be actively searching it out. Even if that means I'll probably never find it, I'm just in such a better mental state not specifically looking for love. I guess I just don't know how to do it without getting too into it is part of my problem. Because, when I DO actively seek out love (for example: using dating sites) no matter how much I tell myself it is a frustrating process and that is okay... I can't help it. I get too into it and it just makes it all the more aggravating and me all the more miserable when it doesn't work.

What exactly hold you back to be sexual with girls? Like wheres the problem to say something sexual or give compliment to a girl you see on your game club or work or comic con? Whats the problem to say Hi! To unknown pretty girl on a street?
What hold you back to showing interest in a girl directly in real life?

Actually, I think therein lies another big problem with me. To be perfectly honest, I don't WANT to flirt with random women or go up to some pretty girl on the street and say hello. I've just never been wired that way. I don't WANT to just ask out some random woman I barely know. It isn't like I'm saying I have to know somebody for YEARS before I'll be interested. I'm just saying, I want to at least know a little about them. Hell... even when I have a crush on somebody, I still want to get to know her a bit first before I even ask her out. I guess it just doesn't work like that. I just don't know how to change that.

I don't know. Honestly, maybe at some point I will get back out there and try again. Hell... maybe this new peace of mind will make it so much easier. But, for now, I am just too happy lately, and I was able to achieve that all alone. So, for the time being I am just enjoying that. I am just not yet willing to risk jeopardizing that.

[peace.fairy]

I didn't read all of the posts...so I am sorry if I will repeat something somebody has already said.
Ever heard of a saying 'Stop chasing the butterflies, mend your garden and the they will come' or something like that. So the best thing you can do is to focus more on yourself. And you mentioned some problems with too much stress and nerves...Start meditating. believe me it does wonders for your nerves and peace of mind and overall. Also working out is great for this, take up some sport if you aren't doing any yet...

I strongly strongly believe that you have to first be comfortable with being alone and be ok with it before you can be ok with someone else. So you would choose to be with someone because you want to, not because you desperately need it. I really wish you the best of luck and I hope you will fins what you are looking for.

[pcmaster]

But Jester if you are stronger now you risk less with feeling the same way again. I mean, I git your point, you are happy alone and you dont want to feeling of rejection or frustation to ruin that. But right now you are in your comfort zone and even if you get out of it you still could get back in it. Sure you dont need to do it but without little pain you cant grow either. Next time you are in a comic con, hump those twin sisters.

[Hooo!]

Not scared then
You are sick of being hurt or tired of it.

Which comes down to the same thing. You stop trying. On a certain level.

I have a hypothetical question for you jester.
Say you are happy now. So you don’t need women in your life? You don’t depend on them right?

So if you were to set up for example a dating profile or meet random women you could just meet them with the intention of finding out who they are and finding out wether you might be interested in them in the long run? You wouldn’t have the or goal to start any kind of relationship with anyone?
This could ofc be true for any social setting like cons or whatever? You could basically just meet the most beautiful and socially perfect girl for you and not feel the need to „succeed“ with her? You could just find out wether you potentially like her and wether she potentially liked you? And you could enjoy the process all the while?

[TheEvilJester]

I didn't read all of the posts...so I am sorry if I will repeat something somebody has already said.
Ever heard of a saying 'Stop chasing the butterflies, mend your garden and the they will come' or something like that. So the best thing you can do is to focus more on yourself. And you mentioned some problems with too much stress and nerves...Start meditating. believe me it does wonders for your nerves and peace of mind and overall. Also working out is great for this, take up some sport if you aren't doing any yet...

I strongly strongly believe that you have to first be comfortable with being alone and be ok with it before you can be ok with someone else. So you would choose to be with someone because you want to, not because you desperately need it. I really wish you the best of luck and I hope you will fins what you are looking for.

I am pretty sure Peace Fairy was directing this to PC (this is his thread), but this actually does a pretty good job of summarizing what I personally feel like I have been doing lately. Something I really NEVER did in the past. Which is to believe in me, to appreciate me. Definitely great advice from Peace Fairy. So, thank you for that. PC, you definitely don't seem to have the same issues I do, or at least not to the level I did. So, you may not need as radical of an adjustment in just how much you appreciate yourself. But, it is still never a bad idea to invest some time and energy in bettering your relationship with yourself. That's something I neglected for way too long and a big part of why I'm reluctant to get off that path right now.

But Jester if you are stronger now you risk less with feeling the same way again. I mean, I git your point, you are happy alone and you dont want to feeling of rejection or frustation to ruin that. But right now you are in your comfort zone and even if you get out of it you still could get back in it. Sure you dont need to do it but without little pain you cant grow either. Next time you are in a comic con, hump those twin sisters.

I guess you are right. Ultimately, my new and improved outlook on life should hopefully make it easier. Maybe some day (maybe even not in the so distant future) I will give that a try. As you said, it isn't like I can't just decide to take a break and work on getting back to my current peace of mind if things don't go well.

But, I would not do that to those wonderful ladies. Not without their consent first. Though they absolutely do love them some Deadpool. At the second convention I attended where they were there, I kept running into them all three days even outside of the autograph room and they kept joking that they were stalking me. LOL! I love those ladies, though. They are awesome!

Not scared then
You are sick of being hurt or tired of it.

Which comes down to the same thing. You stop trying. On a certain level.

I have a hypothetical question for you jester.
Say you are happy now. So you don’t need women in your life? You don’t depend on them right?

So if you were to set up for example a dating profile or meet random women you could just meet them with the intention of finding out who they are and finding out wether you might be interested in them in the long run? You wouldn’t have the or goal to start any kind of relationship with anyone?
This could ofc be true for any social setting like cons or whatever? You could basically just meet the most beautiful and socially perfect girl for you and not feel the need to „succeed“ with her? You could just find out wether you potentially like her and wether she potentially liked you? And you could enjoy the process all the while?

I guess you are right that, scared or not, the end result is the same. That I'm not trying. And I have to admit, as elementary as what you say sounds.... the thought hadn't actually occurred to me. It's like I said, that just goes to show you how clueless I really am in this sort of thing. LOL!

You do make a really good point. I could definitely take a much more no pressure approach to the whole thing. Socialize with women just for the sake of doing it with no specific intentions in mind. Honestly... I am so ridiculously shy that it won't be easy. I frankly don't even really know how exactly to start. But, you actually make a really good point. And, like I said, believe it or not, a point that hadn't occurred to me.

I still don't think I am willing to jeopardize this new found harmony in my life just yet, but I could definitely see attempting that approach in the not too distant future. It was definitely be ultimately a lot better than my current approach. Because at least it would promise actual opportunity of meeting somebody.

[pcmaster]

Peace fairy is talking how girls think. Girls think - I wanna get comfortable first and then have sex. Guys think - I wanna have sex and then get comfortable.

I learned to be alone too and been alone all my life so enough is enough. I want and desperately need a good girl in my life. It will never be perfect timing but have to start somewhere and work on relationship and myself along the way. Relationships without codependency at all is only in fairy tales.

And Jester I think your life is richer and you are much more grown and experienced not to desperately want someone in your life. I really think you are ready. Difficulty might only increase as you get older.

[Hooo!]

This suggestion of mine will keep nagging at you.
You realize you don’t need women but it wouldn’t hurt to have love in your life either.

And why or not.
Most conversations just start with a „Hi“

- - - Updated - - -

* i meant shy not why

[TheEvilJester]

Peace fairy is talking how girls think. Girls think - I wanna get comfortable first and then have sex. Guys think - I wanna have sex and then get comfortable.

I learned to be alone too and been alone all my life so enough is enough. I want and desperately need a good girl in my life. It will never be perfect timing but have to start somewhere and work on relationship and myself along the way. Relationships without codependency at all is only in fairy tales.

And Jester I think your life is richer and you are much more grown and experienced not to desperately want someone in your life. I really think you are ready. Difficulty might only increase as you get older.

See, in that way I have NEVER been and will never be your typical guy. Don't get me wrong... I like sex just fine. But, unlike most guys it isn't like the end-all be-all of my existence. I can live without it. So, I'd much rather get to know a woman first, date her and see if we like each other... and THEN have the relationship evolve into sex if we go that far. Nothing wrong with casual sex between two consenting adults... but that just isn't for me.

Honestly, I'm in my early/mid 30's. I think finding love is pretty damn near impossible already. LOL! The biggest problem I've had lately is even if/when I WANT to.... there really isn't much opportunity these days for me to meet women who aren't already in a relationship. Work is honestly not the best place to meet people (for various reasons) but honestly... every time I've become aware of a new age appropriate female co-worker.... somehow it turns out she has a guy already anyway. Either I happen to see a ring, or I see pics of them together on her desk, or whatever the case may be. Somehow the always have somebody.

I don't really get out all that much. I don't drink and hate the bar scene anyway, so it isn't like I can meet women there. That's why, when I first got back into dating after my old relationship ended, I figured online dating was my best bet, but that was nothing more than a big joke and a complete waste of my time.

But, whatever. For right now, I will just continue to keep myself open. I don't really have any intention of looking for somebody just yet... but I'll maybe start trying to practice the idea we discussed here of just being more social with women in general. Much easier said than done for me... but I'll give it the old college try.

This suggestion of mine will keep nagging at you.
You realize you don’t need women but it wouldn’t hurt to have love in your life either.

And why or not.
Most conversations just start with a „Hi“

- - - Updated - - -

* i meant shy not why

Sure, the conversation starts with "Hi." But it doesn't end there. LOL! Believe me.... I know everybody says it is easy. Just say hi and it will flow naturally from there. But, that is actually NOT true at all for me. True, I am VERY shy.... but I actually CAN get past that.... but not without something to get me there. By that, I don't mean alcohol. LOL! I don't drink.

What I mean is, it isn't as simple for me as just going up to a women and saying "hi" and hoping we strike up a conversation from there. If I don't at least have SOME idea of what to say it will never work. Otherwise it would be like this.

Me: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Me: Um... I'm (insert my real name here)
Her: Hi, I'm (insert name of fictitious woman here)
Me: Nice you meet you.
Her: You too.
Me: (Awkward pause) Um... (Has nothing further to say) Okay... bye.

LOL! To be honest, I think the opportunity presents itself more than I have noticed in the past. In other words, I think situations have arisen that offer at least something of a starting topic and the hopes of that springing into a fuller conversation. So, I guess it is just looking for those opportunities. Again, easier said than done for me... but some day I'll maybe give it a try.

I still honestly doubt my chances, but at least I am in a better place these days with or without love in my life.

[Hooo!]

You: hi
She: hi
You: im jester
She: I’m she
You: well usually I’m a shy person but I wanted to get to know you.
She: yeah?
You: yes. You intrigue me. Tell me something about yourself.

You want to get to know new people? Then be interested in them.
What do you want to know about them?
You wanna know if they are weird as shit?
Or if they’ve ever had anal sex? Well just ask

- - - Updated - - -

And the best part is: if they start to be rude or uninterested or whatever then you get to know them too
And you notice that you do not want to spend more time with them.
Because maybe they are a bitch. Or just because you don’t click. Whatever

It doesn’t matter what happens.
You can just tell them you are bad at smalltalk and liked some practice. And if they don’t want then why would u bother? You are happy without them

[pcmaster]

You: hi
She: hi
You: im jester
She: I’m she
You: well usually I’m a shy person but I wanted to get to know you.
She: yeah?
You: yes. You intrigue me. Tell me something about yourself.
She: Umm my pussy dont stink.

It actually takes a lot of talks with girls to find one that is free and open to try something cause most girls are taken or not looking for anything, like broke up with their BF yesterday or tired of relationships and want to be alone. But who know 1% of girls might be ready to give guy a real chance.

[Hooo!]

All of the things you posted are basically shittest (if you want)
Only because they are (married, bf, ended recently, want to be alone or have explosive diharea) doesn’t mean they won’t get together with you or have sex with you.

[lovebroken]

What type of girl or girlfriend would you like to have, be involved with? Maybe make a checklist and see type it out in here and all of us can see if you have reasonable ideas and go from there.

What are your 100% deal breakers?

You are an active person, with a good personality and seemingly varied interests so you need a like minded girl to match you. Opposites do attract but common interests is what gets you the connection, IMO.

[pcmaster]

Seems like Jester is away for few days. But Im sure he will answer to your questions once he come back.

[lovebroken]

^^ is that to me? Because my post was to you, in your thread. Wasn't to jester, this is your thread so if to anyone else I would have @ to them instead.