2 year relationship falling apart because of snapchat

[Knowvacane]

I'm 21 years old and I've been dealing with what I thought was depression and anxiety for years, but have recently discovered that I have PTSD. I have always struggled with relationships, and have serious trust issues which I always put down to being cheated on at 16.
Anyway, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and at the beginning of the relationship, things were tough. When we first met, I was still in a previous relationship, (that I promptly ended when I realised I caught feelings) and I'd been in a cycle of cheating on my last partner because he didn't treat me well. So to meet someone who I clicked with perfectly was so great and I trusted him instantly. 2 months into our relationship, he found out that I'd been sending nude pictures to a "friend" and talking to other boys on snapchat. He was heartbroken, and I couldn't understand why I'd done this to him, because he was everything I wanted. I've realised now that I just wasn't used to the affection he'd shown me, so I was just keeping my guard up. It was wrong and we've both worked for the past two years to rebuild the trust, including getting rid of people from our pasts. There's always been small arguments about girls somehow becoming unblocked on his social media, although nobody ever reappears on mine, but he's always apologised and blocked them straight away, so I just put it down to being paranoid. Other than that, our relationship has been great. We were at a really good place, talking about looking at buying our own place to live etc, only three weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, I went on his snapchat account, which I don't do often, and found that he'd been talking to his ex-friends with benefits in July, and didn't tell me about it. She asked him if it was okay to have her on snapchat, to which he said "yeah Snapchat's fine" (he knows it isn't) and then she asked why he'd blocked her on social media and he said "my girlfriend didn't want me to have you on there, sorry I know it's shit:/", rather than "there isn't a place for you in my life any more". This probably seems harsh, but he's made me do the same, as well as deleting people and giving them no explanation at all. To make all of this 10 times shadier, he had her saved under a boy's name, someone who I've heard of but never met, probably hoping that I wouldn't be interested in looking on their conversations.
So I confronted him about it, woke him up in the night and outright asked him what he was playing at, and he just broke down crying saying he was sorry and he didn't know why. I was at breaking point, I couldn't be near him and I still haven't had a full night's sleep since. Anyway, he told me he'd change, he'd make a new Snapchat, I could check his phone whenever I want etc. I said "one last chance". The day after that, he wanted to act like nothing had happened between us, and has pretty much carried on doing so.
Last Wednesday was his birthday, and we spent the whole day together. At night, when we were in bed, out of the corner of my eye I could have swore I saw him going through the stories on his old Snapchat account. He instantly closed the app and put his phone down when he saw me looking, so when he fell asleep, I used his email to change the password to his old account, and then see what he'd been doing on there. As soon as I logged in, I noticed he'd posted a "birthday selfie" on his story at 07:56 in the morning, while he was in bed next to ME. Then I went through the contacts, and shock! All the girls I've asked him to delete in the past, and new random girls as well, all under male contact names. So I woke him up again, and asked why he thought I might be upset, but he said he had no idea. When I told him he'd posted a story on snapchat this morning, he said he hadn't, and if he had then it was an accident?? And then when I asked about all of the girls he added, he said he was "clearing out his contacts list and was just looking for people to add on his new account" and then somehow they ended up added back on there. He's deleted snapchat again, and once again, he apologised and said it wouldn't happen again (lol), and is acting like we're fine and dandy.
The only "rule" I've put in place really is that he has to let me know who he's with and what he's doing when he's not with me. I know that doesn't guarantee he isn't cheating but at least it's better than nothing. And even then, he's only done that once. Every other time he's "forgotten" to text me to let me know what he's up to, but then I find out he's obviously been using his phone to text his mates.
I just feel like I'm being taken for a complete mug, and for the 2 years I've been trying to prove that I've changed, I just haven't noticed that he could have been doing this all along.
At the moment I'm in a really bad place mentally and my therapist is on holiday so I can't tackle this with her. Like I said, the rest of our relationship is great, but snapchat has always been the one thing and I've now lost all trust in him. I feel heartbroken and like I don't know him at all.
Any help or advice is welcome, thank you if you actually read all of this!

[madotnw_nihs]

With social media and internet, the line of "cheating" is not black and white. Can you accept this behavior on snapchat even though if he isn't physically cheating? It seems that he has "tried" to change, but isn't willing to. Are you thinking long term with this relationship?

[TheEvilJester]

God, what a ridiculous world we live in these days. Don't misunderstand me, Knowvacane. I don't mean that to belittle your issues like they aren't a big deal, because obviously they are. I just mean it is so weird that we live in a world where something like SnapChat can cause issues in somebody's relationship.

So, here are my unbiased thoughts as somebody removed from your situation just hearing the story....

Firstly, what you did early in the relationship was wrong. Essentially, even if it wasn't your intention, that was equivalent to cheating on him. ....BUT, you realized your mistake, sincerely felt bad, and sincerely made an effort to make things right. Unless you aren't sharing all the details, it sounds like you stopped this behavior completely for the rest of the two years you've been together.

Now, the other thing is if these female friends of his are so important to him that he is unwilling to give them up completely, then that doesn't necessarily make him wrong. At least as long as nothing is going on between them beyond a friendship. ....But again, don't misunderstand me. Just because it isn't necessarily wrong of him doesn't mean you are wrong. If you are not okay with that, that is understandable. I think a lot of people, myself included, would feel the same way you do in this regard.

What IS wrong is the fact that he keeps pretending like he understand and agrees.... pretending like he's going to make it work.... then to just keep going back to his old ways. What is even worse to me is the fact that he blatantly tries to hide it. Things like putting his female friends under male names. So, not only is he trying to continue his misdeeds anyway, but he is blatantly trying to hide them from you.

To me personally, the lying is really the bigger problem. I have to be honest.... if I were you, I'd personally be done with that crap. I'd move on and end the relationship. But again, that's me. You have to do what is right for you. If you think there is a chance to save the relationship, that he maybe actually would be willing to change, then it may be worth it for you to try talking to him about this. As always, I suggest not talking about it in the heat of the moment when you've caught him again. Talk about it when you are both able to calm down and discuss it with a more level-head.

I mean, it kind of sounds to me like you already HAVE done this, so I wonder what exactly would change this time. But, that is up to you to decide if it is worth it to keep trying or if you have just had enough. Good luck to you either way.

[Hooo!]

Enjoy the time you have with this relationship
In the meantime grow the **** up

You behave like a 12 year old teenager

You send nude pictures anywhere and you can’t understand what you did
To me it seems that you simply don’t think about nor take responsibility for anything

You forbid your boyfriend to talk to people who were once important in your life and you wonder why he doesn’t tell you

You don’t even talk deeply (I don’t even know if you know what I mean by this) with your boyfriend

So just enjoy what you have and grow all the while

[alphaMale 29]

With social media and internet, the line of "cheating" is not black and white.

Exactly...