I don't understand anymore..

[Pascalos]

Last year there was a new girl in my class, to whom at first I did not pay much attention. I never loved someone before nor had I ever really liked someone. Some time after school on a Friday, I caught her with a friend of mine, both acting a bit awkward to one another. I felt like I made a mistake when I asked if there was something between them, because it caused an awkward silence. She came up to me after that and begged me to help her ask him what he feels for her as he sparked a lot of confusion in her then. I, feeling a bit flattered, gladly accept, but I do feel a bit weird, as if I never noticed how cute this girl actually was. She gives me her number and for a good part of the following afternoon we texted with eachother. I did do what she asked me to do, but this guy didn't seem to want to admit any of his feelings to anyone. As the week continued, I felt in love with her, while it also became clear to me how much she was in love with him.

After some time, they get together and at the end of the year, after less than six months, she announces that she's leaving this school for a different one a rather long distance away. Throughout that entire half year I wasn't able to get her out of my mind at all. As she was going to leave soon, and I never saw her after school, I figured it would be best to admit my feelings for her in the hope that it'll get out of my head forever. So I do that and she exclaimes that she is in a relationship and doesn't see us getting together any time soon, but she also says it's fine to see eachother sometimes.
Short after, this guy breaks up with her and I stay in contact with her - he does not. We get some time together and become good friends. She is fine with me having feelings for her, although she has no idea how far these actually go. I find that I get absolutely obsessed with her in my head all the time. She doesn't like it when I keep asking like "do you like me yet?" Repeatedly, which I can understand..
When I feel a bit more confident, I accidentally find out she is still heartbroken and apparently cries every night about her ex. I have become pretty feel dependent on her, and she the other way around as I am one of the very few good friends she has.

Not so long ago, I was away on holiday while she was staying home. She calls me near the middle of the night, she is completely confused and, while crying, explains me that she had tried to commit suicide and doesn't know what to do now. I tell her to call an ambulance and as soon as I know the next morning she is in the hospital.
During that week, it becomes clearer to me how important I am to her, although I had to be skeptic as she's pretty manipulative. I hope to have made clear to her how I care a lot for her, as did she emphasize that she can't go without me and can't lose me.
After this, I have the feeling she is doing well, but actually it's going worse than ever and she's just hiding it for me to not bother me too much. (As a reminder, since she left my school, we often meet up, although it isn't possible most of the times. We still chat a lot every day and almost constantly)
I have found some signs that she might feel something for me. But she keeps saying she's happy to be single and that she doesn't want people to think we're a couple. I have automatically learned to try to hide my feelings for her, because she used to get angry at me for repeatedly asking her out. And I thought it should still be clear for her what I feel for her, but when I look back, it doesn't really seem quite obvious.

Is she trying to hide her feelings from me to not lose me as a friend? Or am I just still hopelessly aiming for love from a dependent friend?

[wolfmotherr]

I personally have experienced a similar situation; where you've placed your heart on your sleeve for another person, whom don't/won't reciprocate it in the slightest. I believe - from reading your heartfelt words - that she does appreciate you as a person, trusts in you, is aware of her privilege to have you, though to an extent may feel confused on how to be around you in general, considering the emotions you've expressed that you have for her. Which I fully understand, as I've been in the same position for each side. From my experiences, I heavily came to realize, that whether the likely of the romantic part happening between you two is major or not (which in my case it wasn't large); one must channel that immense love towars a flourishing friendship. Where your gratitude for them, uplifts them to a point where they're reciprocating that and perceiveing themselves as beautiful as you do. You don't need to romantically love someone, to love someone. Contentment is struck through both. I heavily suggest you stay strong, be there for her as long as she's not taking advantage of your loving vulnerability. Stay true to yourself man,

[Mathias]

"And I thought it should still be clear for her what I feel for her, but when I look back, it doesn't really seem quite obvious."

How? You keep asking her out and telling her your feelings for her.

She keeps rejecting your romantic advances. She confides in you as a best friend.

If you don't want to be her best friend, don't be. But it's very clear on how she stands romantically.

[Pascalos]

Mathias, I only showed my feelings for her the first few weeks after I told her. After that, I have just hid my feelings for her and only asked her out at the time she was still in a relationship. That's why I don't fully understand.. She is my best friend and has been for quite some time now. I'd like to just "stay true to myself", as wolfmotherr puts it, and keep her close as that's a feeling that she does indeed reciprocate.

(Wolfmotherr, thanks for giving your own experience to provide good advice, it really helps!)

[wolfmotherr]

Mathias, I only showed my feelings for her the first few weeks after I told her. After that, I have just hid my feelings for her and only asked her out at the time she was still in a relationship. That's why I don't fully understand.. She is my best friend and has been for quite some time now. I'd like to just "stay true to myself", as wolfmotherr puts it, and keep her close as that's a feeling that she does indeed reciprocate.

(Wolfmotherr, thanks for giving your own experience to provide good advice, it really helps!)

one may obtain serenity; through patience, and guidance

[Hooo!]

You are a doormat
She obviously doesn’t see you as attractive or sexual partner
You are not seductive

You are wasting your time pretending

Sorry