Friends with benefits? Is it a mistake?

[peace.fairy]

Sorry for this being so long, but I need some advice please.

I started working at a new job over a month ago and I started dating a coworker. We have been dating for 3 weeks. He seemed really into me and everything was fine until one time he asked what do I think about 'us'. So I said, I don't really think about us that much, but I like spending time with you and everything's fine.
And he said:

'I like spending time with you too, and you are really great and fun to be with and you check my entire 'checklist' and everything is fine, but I am not in love'. I thought - well that's normal, we have only been dating for 3 weeks... And I told him I also don't feel in love..

And so on and so on and he said:

'If we weren't working together, we would definitely be together for like 3-4 months but then it would end. And since we would still have to work together afterwards, I wouldn't want that (to be together)'.

But he doesn't want things to end and he doesn't want to be a couple, where I would lose my mind and think of him as my husband till death do as part....

I thought about all that and couple days later I said I want to continue that conversation. And I told him I am not ok with just being together basically only for sex, and I want to try and be 'together' together and just enjoy each other, enjoy each other's company and no expectations, no pressure just chill and see where it goes. And if it doesn't go anywhere then it doesn't. So we agreed to do that and we also agreed to at least not sleep with other people while sleeping with each other (m suggestion, but he agreed at once) and see what happens. And we both said that it's nicer to be with someone and have somebody to hug than being alone all the time plus winter is coming and it's warmer this way both physically and emotionally.

This whole thing was strange really because before he seemed even more into me than I was saying things like how he found my hair and put it on his pillow and slept next to it the whole night. And I would stay at his place in the morning (after the sex) and after breakfast we would watch a movie together...


1. How to figure out which one is it? :
a) He doesn't want this to end just because of sex.
b) Everything is really ok and he just really got scared that I am more into him than he is into me and he cared enough to tell me about this so he wouldn't hurt me (that was at least the reason he said he talked to me about all this).
c) possibly he got scared of his own feelings and got scared of getting hurt, so wanted to back out. He was really really hurt once (3 years ago) when the love of his life left him out of the blue and he only recently recovered.

2. Am I making a mistake staying in this and wanting to make something of it and should just end it?
Or is it possible that this thing might actually work?

My plan was really to focus on my job and career now and I am not in the place in my life right now to look for a serious relationship and plan family and kids.

3. So I think this might kind of work for now, but secretly I am hoping it will turn into something more in the future. (any ideas on how to make that happen?)

[Hooo!]

What keeps you from discussing 3. openly with him?

[peace.fairy]

which part exactly do you mean - ideas on how to make it into something more?
We discussed about 'us' already and that is kind of where we are now - nothing serious, no expectations, just enjoying each other and it's better than being alone all the time for both of us and neither of us is looking for anything too serious right now.
But I don't want to bring up that I would like it to turn into something more serious in the future since he is scared of commitment as I understood already and is scared of me falling too hard into this and loosing my mind and then hurting me, because he doubts he can fall in love ever again...
And for now I am fine with that, but I think if I take it slow and give him enough space and don't scare him - it might all work out:} Because we both seem to 'check each other's lists' we even have the same thing at the top of the list;}

[pcmaster]

If time goes and its not more than you want then you are just wasting time. Its possible to be FWB for years. Set a deadline how long you want to continue like that. Otherwise you are holding yourself back from meeting guy who looks for real relationship. Once you quit FWB thing and find new guy, your ex my show up and confess feelings or want you back as it often happens.

[peace.fairy]

Thank's pcmaster, it's a good idea to set a deadline for this. I am thinking about few months - half year tops. But it's difficult to say how long I will be ok with this. Guess I will just have to watch myself and check how I feel.
But I don't even know if I can handle this - I am a total overthinker and already I want to text him something and start thinking 'maybe I shouldn't, he might read too much into it...'

Maybe I need to talk to him once more and clearly define what this is and what it isn't? Or would that be just too much talking and scare him away already and I should just go with the flow?

[pcmaster]

I think you need to talk about this with him in person. tell him how you feel that you want to be serious. Sure you might to scare him away but if when you spend together you feel like talking about this then you should bring this up and dont be quiet.

[Hooo!]

Is he even willing to love you for a long time?

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] well..I don't really want it to be serious, not for now at least. I do want to focus on my job and career at the moment.
But we do get along really well and I like him and like spending time with him and we have loads in common and I can see it going somewhere one day.
So I am ok with just being chill together for now and see where it goes.

But I think I need to make sure we are on the same page and both clearly understand what 'chill' means for both of us.
I am not ok with getting together sometimes basically just for sex and do want some sort of commitment or seriousness or something.
I want to know that we are at least not getting with other people and we are both open to a possibility that this could turn into something more, but not putting pressure on each other and developing unrealistic expectations.

I think I will have to tell him that, cause apparently I can't make my mind quiet down otherwise.
And I will ask him to be straight with me, cause after all we do have to work together so it's still not too late to end it all and just maintain a friendly relationship at work before it gets too complicated.

Thank you pcmaster;} this helped me to at least make myself understand what I want and especially what I don't want;}
[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION]
slow down with that! he said he doesn't feel in love with me and he is not sure he can ever fall in love again in general.
He did mention though long-term things like that we both enjoy traveling and he knows I'd be down to buying a van and going anywhere and that we could both work remotely from anywhere so he did think about that.
And he said basically everything is ok, but he just doesn't seem to be falling for me, so he doesn't want to give me falls hopes and stuff.
And he says he likes me and likes spending time with me and it is better than being alone all the time. Which is pretty much how I feel too, just that I can actually see it going somewhere and I am not sure he can.

[Snow White]

Everything you write contradicts each other. You say you have no expectations, but you are hoping that it may grow into something more in the future. This guy has it made. He enjoys your company, gets to have sex with you and doesn't have to make any commitment to you. That's what FWB is.

Your relationship exists because it's much better than being alone? I think he was very up front with you in the beginning, but you are becoming more emotionally involved than you expected to. How would you feel if he told you today that he didn't want to see you anymore?

[peace.fairy]

I'd feel bad really. And yes, I would truly like it to become something more in the future, but at the same time I realise it might not. But I guess that means I do have expectations then...

Anyways, I realised this is not going to work for me anyways and either we both make a commitment or we should take a step back and be just friends.

And he was not that upfront with me in the beginning. If anything he seemed even more into this than I was and then it's like he got scared or something and told me all that...

I am honestly so tired of all such stupid bs and I really can't deal with it right now - had enough of that in my life. He's either in or he's out. I need to be strong and stand up for what I want, not just take whatever I get. And we either commit and take a risk and try not to fail or just leave it as is and go back to being friends-coleagues or whatever.

[Hooo!]

So the problem is not that he isn’t into you

The problem is that you do not to invest more time in your relationship if there is a possibility that he just leaves?

- - - Updated - - -

*want

Sry writing from the phone

[peace.fairy]

I don't honestly know what the problem is.
I think he's had too much bad experiences and is scared of being hurt and hurting someone. And so is scared of commitment.

From what he said 'if not work we would be together and it would be awesome, but it would end in a few months and then would just be that much more painful, since we'd be still working together'.

I am not sure why he thinks it would end in a few months... maybe he thinks that you are supposed to be head over heals in love with each other for it to work. Since he had one girlfriend who he truly loved and was completely crazy about her and she totally broke his heart. And then he dated someone else, who he left after 4 months or so and hurt her.

I don't know how to explain to him that it won't ever be as same as his first love and he shouldn't expect that and that you don't have to be crazy about each other for the relationship to work. After all that 'love high' is temporary...

[astrologerlove9]

Hay....
Friends with Benefits are a perfect way to satisfy a sexual attraction to a close friend if neither of you are looking for a full on relationship. It’s fine to be friends with benefits and have feelings for someone as well. Both people obviously have to give their consent on the matter and mutually agree that it will not grow into anything else unless both people realize that yes, they do love each other for more than just the sex.

I’ve had a few experiences with FWB’s before, in fact I have two different girl that I have sex with regularly that I am close friends with. Those are friends with benefits: people that you enjoy being around WITHOUT the sex. And if you happen to have an attraction to each other, maybe you might want to consider asking them.

It’s not overly hard in my opinion to keep that kind of relationship in check either. You just have to trust that the other person isn’t “using you”. It’s important that FWB’s are a mutual agreement, and that if anything feels not right, you should tell the other person right away.

Not only that, but you know how relationships can be riddled with a bunch of stress? And when you have work, school, family, friends and other stuff that stress you out, it can make it worse and ruin the whole thing? The best part about FWB is that you don’t have to worry about the relationship mumbo-jumbo, and with sex being an excellent stress reliever in itself, it’s always nice to have at your disposal.

Don’t mistake people who are in FWB’s. There’s a difference between simply using anyone for sex for your own pleasure, and looking for a passionate sex experience with someone you enjoy spending time with, and most importantly, enjoy fooling around with!

[Hooo!]

I would discuss it exactly the way you put it in your last post

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=86662]astrologerlove9[/MENTION]
I think guys and girls look differently at this. Sex creates much more attachement and brings up more feelings for girls than it does for guys. There are of course exceptions, but I think I am not one of them. And I believe I could easily fall in love with this guy. So it's probably the best to just take a step back and remain just friends. More like take a step back and build a friendship first, since we only met each other less than 2 months ago.
[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION]
Yes, that's what I think I will do the next time we are together...
But I don't think it's worth to be all like 'oh I need to talk to you..' and stress about it.
I completely calmed myself down and as far as I am concerned now we are not together or anything, I feel like I did my part and if he wants something he should make a move and then we'll see. But I don't want to force it or create some pressure or anything..

Though it is a bit weird now, cause we sort of agreed something, but not definitely and I am not totally sure what's happening now, but I feel we're taking a step back already. But it feels good. I would really like to just build a solid friendship first;}