He Blindsided Me By Ending It, I Need Closue, Should I Attempt to Contact Him? HELP

[anonymous1111]

I'm going to start by saying really fast that I've never been "dumped" before. I've always been the one pulling the plug and so the fact that this is a new feeling coupled with how strong my feelings were for this guy...I'm really not okay.

Here's the backstory:

We met on Tinder. Talked for 9 months.

We went to different colleges. We were located close enough to visit one another, but far enough away that having completely opposite schedules, as we did, prevented us from seeing each other as often as we would like.

We hit it off right away. Both of us confessed to having very strong feelings for each other after about a month of steadily (obsessively, really) talking. For the duration of that 9 months we were "talking" (we never officially dated, but I'll get to that), we talked every day, often for like 7 hours each night. We had a very deep connection, but the timing was definitely off and we both knew pretty early on that we were looking at being long distance if we decided to keep things going.

I'll say this: he was a virgin when I met him (he wasn't the best at closing- too polite and not forward enough to make his intentions known) with definite fantasies of sleeping around that became more apparent to me as we continued to talk. I was fine with him have sex with other women as he told me point blank that he didn't want to be exclusive yet despite having "strong feelings" for me and I understood where he was coming from. Due to his inexperience, sexually, and being newly initiated into a fraternity, I could understand that he needed some time to "sow his wild oats", so to speak, and he assured me that I was the only girl he was seriously "talking to", a.k.a. interested in pursuing a relationship with when he felt ready to take that step.

Honestly, typing this all out I know it sounds shady, but this guy really was genuine and kind and made his feelings about starting a monogamous relationship known early on. He's not the bad guy in the slightest.

We had met in the winter of the previous school year, had to be long distance while we were at our respective homes for the summer, but then the fall of this school year rolled around the corner. In late August he kept talking about how we were going to hang out and go on dates and he wanted to introduce me to his friends. He had been talking about music festivals and stuff he wanted us to go to in the future and said he wanted to do a couple's Halloween costume (spoiler alert: we ended up not making it to Halloween). I know all that sounds lofty maybe, but I took it as a sign that he really wanted us to work out.

Despite the lack of a label, we did have a very deep connection and strong feelings for each other. One drunken night over the summer I had decided that the long distance was too much and went to end things, but he literally begged me to keep "talking" to him, saying that I "meant the world to him" so I really believe he had genuine feelings for me. He had professed them many times, sober and not in before, during, or after sex so they never seemed insincere.

Anyway flash to fall. We tried to make plans to hang out but for the month of September I was gone every weekend for weddings, baby showers, etc. and during the week, I worked nights which limited our times to see each other. He continued to reaffirm his feelings for me and finally we got to spend a whole night together in early October. That went great and he texted me as soon as I left the next morning saying that he had a great time and we started talking about meeting up again soon.

Then came the beginning of the end. The following weekend, I was upset because I had done the math and realized how long we had been talking. The vodka went to my head and I decided that if he has "such strong feelings" for me that he should at least be cool with "talking exclusively". I had deleted Tinder a while back as it was an annoyance and I was satisfied only talking to him, but I knew he still had it and figured I'd test him. I went about it the wrong way. A guy was hitting on me at the party I was at and my "unboyfriend" was out of town for a family thing for the weekend so I told him about the guy hitting on me and basically asked permission to sleep with him in an attempt to make him jealous and lock me down. Yes, it was horrifically dumb and not my style at all unless I'm stupid drunk. So the guy I'm talking to replies to my text saying that we're not exclusive so I'm free to sleep with who I want and as long as I still like him, we're cool. He also mentioned hanging out later that week. This pissed me off because I just didn't think, given the length and emotional depth of our "situationship", that he should be cool with me sleeping with someone else. He said he'd be jealous, but hardly phrased it in a way that sounded like he cared. Drunk and spiteful, I had sex with the guy at the party.

The next few days we seemed normal. He didn't mention the incident.

One night about mid-week, I mentioned my antics from that night because I had done some stuff with a girl and I knew that turned him on. He was really into my story and talking about us having a threesome and stuff when I messed up yet again and, while I didn't outright say it, I implied that I had had sex with the guy from the party as well. He ended the conversation shortly after saying he was tired, but sent the usual "heart emoji" goodbye we always sent so I didn't dwell on it.

The next day he didn't speak to me at all, which was weird for us. The day after, our best friend status on Snapchat disappeared (we had been each other's "number one best friend" for the entirety of our "talking" so this seemed off). When I commented on it (in a joking manner), he said one of his friends had been snapping him a lot and he and I would "get our bff spot back". He snapped me all that day as if trying to get that back so I didn't think much of it. But then he pulled away for a couple days after that point. There was a girl on his Snap story that was making me uneasy and I felt like something was off. When I mentioned it, he said he wanted to get coffee and talk but it was "nothing bad at all". He made it sound like I was being paranoid and I was more than ready to get the "I like you so much but I just don't want a serious relationship right now" talk again. However, I had to go home for a long weekend and didn't want to wait to be told that everything was fine because I'd be anxious so I insisted he tell me what was going on that night over the phone.

Essentially he said he had "very recently realized" that he didn't have feelings for me anymore since we never saw each other and that nothing romantic and long term would be possible between us since we were looking at a long term, long distance situation eventually if we stayed together. I was heartbroken and mad and felt strung along and used and I was a jerk to him. I told him I was blocking him on everything, he literally begged me not to. He was crying and kept calling me over and over, saying he'd do "anything" for me not to cut off communication with him. This made me more confused. Why was he acting like that if he simply didn't "have feelings" for me anymore? It was a very confusing and upsetting conversation. Eventually I blocked his number as well as all his social media and cried myself to sleep. The next day I unblocked him on social media, attempting to re-friend and follow him now that I had cooled down and the missing him was starting to set in. But he never accepted my requests or followed me back. The next day, I bit the bullet and wrote a long apology text that he read and didn't reply to. I gave him a week to have some space and then sent him a gif in hope of softening him up. He responded with a very cold text saying that we "had grown apart" and he saw "no point in continuing to speak" and felt it was "unrealistic to try to be friends".

So now I've been blindsided by him dropping me and then, because he was begging me to stay in his life, I thought we could at least maintain a friendship or talk a little more about the situation now that the worst was over, but he blindsided me yet again by essentially telling me to not contact him again.

It's now been a month since he initially ended things and in a few days it'll have been a month since he told me he didn't want to talk anymore.

I'm still completely heartbroken and I don't know what happened. Did he really lose feelings like he said? Or was he upset about me having sex with the guy at the party and didn't want to admit it? Or did he feel I was pushing a relationship when he wanted to keep things open? There's no evidence that he met someone he likes more within that short timeframe, but I guess anything is possible.

I'm not necessarily trying to win him back, but I'm still reeling even a month later and have so many questions and don't feel like I really got any closure. If I could re-do everything, I would in a heartbeat. I would've talked to him the night he ended it, heard him out, met up with him for coffee, and tried to fix it. But I acted how I acted and I can't take it back.

Would it be wrong of me to attempt to reach out to him to talk? Is there a reason he did a complete 180 between wanting me in his life still to never wanting to speak to me again?

I know that he's a busy person and he over-analyzes everything and is logical to a fault and I know our relationship is utterly illogical due to the distance and there's a slight age difference (I'm about to graduate, he has another year of school) and our schedules only align once a full moon; but he was like my best friend there for a while and I miss him so much. I'd do anything to have him back in my life again, on any level. I feel so depressed every day, not seeing his name on my phone, knowing that he apparently just stopped caring about me in a four day time period.

I'm so sorry that this is long, but I'm just devastated. If anyone can share any male insight into what he might be feeling (a.k.a. is he mad at me or just not into me anymore?) and/or let me know if I would be stupid to contact him, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm very sad. I'm very confused. I know I shouldn't have tried to make him jealous. That was so dumb.

But I just need some advice because I'm dying inside and I've never been this sad. I need some closure or solid answers or something.

Please help.