I lost everything and I'm not getting married anymore

[Dragonfly92]

You said your fiance is upset about you lying about the past? Do you blatantly lie or just omitted everything?

I did both. I never told him about my past nor that I knew his cousin. I was selfish and kept going on with the lie of meeting his cousin for the first time till she gave showed him the evidence (her diary about her HS yrs, an old recording and that conversation of me calling her that terrible name).

[madotnw_nihs]

Ugh...yeah I don't know. It really depends on him how this turns out. To me, you seem really sincere and regret everything you did. You have also met with the cousin and her mother to work things out. It all depends how much he loves you and how he views the importance of your past. I personally would still marry the girl in this situation. Lets hope he feels the same.

[Dragonfly92]

Ugh...yeah I don't know. It really depends on him how this turns out. To me, you seem really sincere and regret everything you did. You have also met with the cousin and her mother to work things out. It all depends how much he loves you and how he views the importance of your past. I personally would still marry the girl in this situation. Lets hope he feels the same.

Hopefully. It's really up to him to decide.
The cousin knows I'm available whenever she wants to. If she has more questions, needs to let out her feelings out, I'm there to listen. As for her parents, well they don't want anything to do with me.

[madotnw_nihs]

Also I am not too fond of the cousin's parenting. If she was distraught everyday back from school, they should have investigated. Since this bullying was pretty obvious in school, if they would have contacted the school, they would have been able to do something about it.

[Dragonfly92]

I agree. We could have long been in trouble if caught earlier but she wouldn't tell her parents and even lied about why she would cry. She felt shame at that time and was suffering in silent.

[madotnw_nihs]

Well, let us know if there are any updates from your ex-fiance. Personally, I am pulling for you to get him back.

[TheEvilJester]

Ugh...yeah I don't know. It really depends on him how this turns out. To me, you seem really sincere and regret everything you did. You have also met with the cousin and her mother to work things out. It all depends how much he loves you and how he views the importance of your past. I personally would still marry the girl in this situation. Lets hope he feels the same.

In many ways I will echo madotnw's sentiments. All the things you describe that you and your friends did to her were terrible. There is no excuse and it is NOT okay. ...But again, they do all fall under the heading of teens can be cruel. Again, that doesn't make it okay at all.... but it also doesn't necessarily make you evil/a bad person/the devil. As madotnw said, it sounds to me like you sincerely regret the way you treated her. That you sincerely see how wrong it was. Heck, her mother slapped you and rather than be angry about that you feel it was warranted. I don't necessarily know if I agree that her mother should have done that NOW all these years after the actual bullying... but I certainly can't blame her. But, she could have at least heard you out first.

If your "regret" was really insincere and you proved not to really have changed, I would have less sympathy for you had she slapped you. But, to react that way initially so many years after the fact wasn't necessarily fair. But, again, you are right to be understanding and to let it slide. So, to me it sounds like you truly have changed. Even so, that doesn't mean I think your ex was necessarily wrong for not being able to look past that. However, it also DOES NOT mean I automatically think he was right. Maybe that sounds contradictory... but it is really not. No two people are the same. Maybe for him something like that just is not acceptable. Maybe he has a hard time separating the idea that somebody could be that cruel earlier in their life and not still have that in them later in life.

I lived through plenty of bullying and feeling I don't belong in my own life. It, frankly, made me so much stronger. So, looking back I honestly wouldn't necessarily change a thing. ...But I have to admit that part of me would have a hard time letting go of that if I were him in this situation. Maybe I would feel that you've changed for the better and still give you the chance to prove that, maybe not. Again, from what you've shared with us it seems to me like you truly have changed and do see that what you did was wrong. So, for me that definitely scores you major points. Or, at the very least, the chance to prove yourself. Hopefully your ex comes around to wanting to offer you that chance as well. If not, well, then all you can really do is continue to be better than who you were in the past and hope that some day the right guy will appreciate you for who you are now. Good luck to you.

[Dragonfly92]

Well, let us know if there are any updates from your ex-fiance. Personally, I am pulling for you to get him back.

As far as my ex fiance, nope we're still broken up. Though Dorothy said she won't mind anymore if we ever get back together, that she'll try to speak to him, doesn't guarantee but will try. He's still hurt that I would lie about my past as well as the whole ''pretending not to know Dorothy'' and the name calling she recorded during our argument.

Just like I was nervous and panicked upon seeing Dorothy years later to the point of pretending not to know her at first, she toally freaked out (understandable) when she found out I was the then fiancee. We're ok by now. I'm still giving her closure if she needs it.

[Dragonfly92]

Hopefully your ex comes around to wanting to offer you that chance as well. If not, well, then all you can really do is continue to be better than who you were in the past and hope that some day the right guy will appreciate you for who you are now. Good luck to you.

I don't think he's coming back. Dorothy said she'll try to speak to him though.
The main reason he broke up was because I lied to him about my past and in the beginning pretended not to know Dorothy.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't think he's coming back. Dorothy said she'll try to speak to him though.
The main reason he broke up was because I lied to him about my past and in the beginning pretended not to know Dorothy.

I have to say, the one thing I am a little confused about is HOW exactly you lied about your past. My assumption was you meant in how you pretended not to have remembered his cousin... but you keep saying these two things as though they are separate thoughts. Unless I'm just misinterpreting your words. So, was there some other way in which you lied about your past? Is pretending you didn't remember who Dorothy was the only lie about your past or was there more to it than that?

Because simply NOT telling him about how you used to be kind of mean as a teenager is NOT lying. Who the heck would just voluntarily bring that information up unless it just somehow came up for discussion? Most people, if they had learned and grown from that would be somewhat ashamed of their past actions and therefore probably wouldn't necessarily want to talk about it unless somebody actually asked. So long as you HAVE actually grown and changed for the better from the experience, not talking about things like that from your past is NOT lying about them. It's actually better not to constantly dwell on things like that.

Anyway, that is just me speculating if that may be one of the ways you are being accused of lying. I'm just a little confused what supposed lies you are being accused of perpetrating.

Again... On the surface it does seem a bit of an overreaction to break up with somebody based on their PAST. Especially if they have learned from it and changed for the better. So, my honest gut reaction is that he probably should have still at least given you a chance to prove yourself. But, again, I can understand if maybe he just has a zero tolerance policy for that sort of thing, and again if you being dishonest about it (at least when actually confronted with the realization of who his cousin was) may have seen like proof to him that perhaps you hadn't changed.

It is a shame, but sometimes these things happen in life. You seem fairly certain he isn't going to change his mind. So, if that IS the case, then I just wish you the best in finding somebody else who will instead appreciate how far you've come rather than get hung up on your past. It could be possible there is still some hope. If he sees how you and his cousin have now buried the hatchet and are friendly now, perhaps he will see that you've changed. I think, though, my immediate advice to you would be not to close the door on him yet.... but also just don't get your hopes up too much.

Good luck to you either way. And good for you for stepping up and making peace with Dorothy.

[Dragonfly92]

I have to say, the one thing I am a little confused about is HOW exactly you lied about your past. My assumption was you meant in how you pretended not to have remembered his cousin... but you keep saying these two things as though they are separate thoughts. Unless I'm just misinterpreting your words. So, was there some other way in which you lied about your past? Is pretending you didn't remember who Dorothy was the only lie about your past or was there more to it than that?

The lie was when I initially pretended not to know Dorothy; treating her like I was meeting his family member (her) for the first time. I also messed up when I called her Dorka; that was when we had that argument...and she recorded that conversation too. That made him think I was still a bully and a liar.

She's going to talk to him sometime tomorrow. Yes, we're getting along now.

[pcmaster]

This is interesting topic. How by being not being nice to someone you can lose other people in your life or totaly lose their interest. I had cases like that when just saying something not nice about someone make friends turn away from me and not coming back even if that friend didnt knew the person.

[TheEvilJester]

The lie was when I initially pretended not to know Dorothy; treating her like I was meeting his family member (her) for the first time. I also messed up when I called her Dorka; that was when we had that argument...and she recorded that conversation too. That made him think I was still a bully and a liar.

She's going to talk to him sometime tomorrow. Yes, we're getting along now.

Okay. so I think I was just misunderstanding. Pretending not to remember her WAS the only lie. To be honest, even then I am not entirely sure I'd personally feel like that ALONE would be grounds for the reaction he had. Again, it would make sense if you were ashamed of this past and therefore didn't necessarily want o dredge it up. Hindsight is always 20/20, it would have been better just to be honest, but I can understand why you'd have maybe just hoped it didn't come up.

I think the real problem was, unfortunately, how you reacted when confronted with it. Again, I can't entirely blame you. Sounds like she was pushing it when you were trying just to let it go. She certainly could have been more mature about it herself.... but by the same token I can't entirely blame her either. As the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right. I get why she felt the way she did, but she didn't really handle it well. At the same time, you didn't handle it well either when she pushed it. But, obviously you get that.

Anyway, whatever happens, I wish you the best. Like I said, it sounds like you've learned from your past and grown from it for the most part. So, if nothing else, at least be proud of that. And stick to that. Things like calling people "Dorka" definitely belong left in your past. Good luck.

[Dragonfly92]

I got a message from my ex fiance saying he'll speak to me after the Holidays.

[madotnw_nihs]

Good Luck!!!!