I lost everything and I'm not getting married anymore

[Dragonfly92]

I was engaged for 4 months until last week. I've been eating nothing but junk food.

My fiance's female cousin showed him her diary and an old recorder I had no idea she had, of us calling her a loser, whore and a bunch of other things in HS (we did other stuff too). Though there was no footage, my voice was heard the most. I was the main ringleader back then.

Prior to that, I knew who she was when my fiance mentioned that she was going to stop by for a couple weeks. She doesn't have fb. I really thought I could just start all over with her so I pretended not to remember her (even invited her to a girl's hang out with my friends but she declined it). She wouldn't let it go and kept mentioning a couple times about if I remembered her when we were alone in private or sarcastically saying at the dining table in front of everyone ''It's so interesting that we never met before''.

I admitted that I lost my cool after too much of that and in private when she tried again to make a sarcastic comment, I said ''Leave me the alone already. Go away. What proof you got anyways Dorka''. I reverted back to calling her by her old nickname Dorka since her name is Dorothy. I was pissed off at that moment.

I wanted to take it all back but it was too late. She showed it the following day. My fiance says he needs time to think about all this.

- - - Updated - - -

I would like to add:
I'm right now seeing a message from her on my fb (apparently she just created a fb act) that she just wants to talk and if I can meet her. I set it up for Saturday. Not sure if there is any point at this moment. Help.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[GLYC]

Man the **** up and apologize. Just be upfront. Say, yeah, what you did was stupid and you're sorry, you were an idiotic teenager.

Also, what you said to her was terrible. Never swear at women, plus, calling her Dorka? That's probably really hurtful to her.

You're supposed to be a mountain of emotional strength, not a man that loses his cool and acts like a man child, trying to shift the blame at someone else (her).

Stop being an ass.

Admit to your mistakes, be honest, genuine, and a real man.

[Dragonfly92]

Well thank you for the harsh reply. I deserved it still. Though I'm a woman.

[GLYC]

SORRY. I was about to edit it, I misread things. I thought you were a guy, who wrote about you previpusly making fun of your fiance. Anyways.

Apologize, if you said you'd meet up with her, do that, follow your word.
Buy her a glass of wine, you don't have to become her best friend forever.
But actually be a decent person to her for a night, she had a recording of you guys making fun of her, which was probably a regular event if she felt the need to do that.
You hurt her pretty badly. She probably felt that for a long time.

Apologize to your fiance. And just be upfront with both of them.

[madotnw_nihs]

I am sure most of us did hurtful and silly things in high school. As an adult, we look back and regret some things. Strike that as terrible luck that you are wanted to marry a cousin of someone you picked on. I hope that you have grown up and do truly feel sorry for what you did back then. If that's the case, you would sound a lot more sincere. It was also probably more hurtful to her that you pretended you don't remember. You should just tell her that you absolutely remember the things you said and apologize.

There was a girl I made of fun of in high school. Out of the blue, she added me as a friend on FB which surprised me. Soon after that, I called her to apologized and told her I was very immature. She cried and was happy and we have been good friends since then.

[Dragonfly92]

Thank you guys.
Glad to hear everything worked out with her madotnx_nihs. It would be a miserable if she ever forgave me. I don't hate her at all. I really don't.
The HS events happened almost every day during our those whole years; unfortunately we picked on her frequently. I would lead the group.

[madotnw_nihs]

Hope it works it for you. Just be sincere when you apologize to her. Cause everyday of those 4 years of hs must have been miserable for her.

[Hooo!]

Actually if you surrender to rage to the point where you cause her pain on purpose
You are no where of being responsible enough for a relationship
and far from marriage

[TheEvilJester]

What you did to her in the past was terrible and cruel. ....But it seems like you understand that and feel bad. EVERYBODY does bad things from time to time in their lives, especially at difficult ages like our teenage years. You show me a person who can tell you he or she never did something cruel and hurtful in their life (even if they never meant to, were going through a bad time and reacted poorly, etc.) and I will show you a liar. HINT! HINT! They'll be the same person. No one person is completely innocent of ever having done something like this.

Good people learn and grow from it. It sounds like you learned and you've grown. So, that is great. Hindsight is always 20/20. So, unfortunately this advice comes too late... but I would have personally suggested you not ignore it/pretend you didn't remember her. If you were engaged to her cousin, then chances are even if SHE didn't remember you.... eventually it would occur to her. So, rather than ignore it, that would have actually been the perfect time to bring it up and just sincerely apologize. Honestly, that would have shown proof of how much you've grown and how sincerely sorry you were for how you treated her in the past.

Believe me, though, I understand why you chose to ignore it and just hope she didn't remember. It is awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I am sure, even if just in part, you also sort of didn't want to risk reminding her of a hurtful time if maybe she'd already forgotten it. To be honest, she is certainly not 100% innocent for THIS current issue. That was many years ago. She could have let it go and given you the benefit of the doubt that you were just a stupid teenager like the rest of us were. She chose to keep pushing it.

So, I can't entirely blame you for not exactly reacting in the best way possible. I think now your best bet is just to apologize sincerely. That is assume your apology WOULD be sincere. You sound like you honestly do regret the way you treated her in the past, so I am assuming that it would be a sincere apology. Hopefully your fiance will also understand that sometimes teenagers are cruel and that it isn't necessarily an indication of who you are now. Admitting your wrongdoing and showing you've change can hopefully help him to see that maybe you were a little nasty as a teen, but that you aren't like that anymore. Best of luck to you.

[Dragonfly92]

Sorry to post this late. A lot of things have been happening over this week. I'm at my workplace at this moment but will post you all the update after work.

- - - Updated - - -

I'll break it in parts as to what the update was been up to now:
- Fiance broke it off and wants no further contact (he's hurt more about me lying about my past, the recent name calling and thinks I'm just sorry for being found out)
- I went to the meeting on Saturday, Dorothy mother's slapped me twice (leaving me with a swollen face and a busted lip), we both talked about other each's side of the story (her being the bullied and me the bully)
- I apologized over and over, she accepted it and created her fb profile for the first time, requesting me as a friend and I accepted it
- I'm accepting my relationship is truly over and grateful she was very forgiving

My bullying was very bad enough. I'm going to share several things we did:
- It started in our freshman year by passing a rumor that she lost her virginity
- Literally have others removed from several pep-rallies while I was in the front (leading the group; a couple guys were involved in this too) opening the exit door
- Hide her gym clothes; that's the reason she would either show up late for Physical Fitness class or be there with her regular clothes
- A couple times leaving her for a while without her shoes and socks
- The slime incident where my friends (me leading them also) threw it at her during lunch
- Have her believe that some guy wrote a love letter and likes her
- Telling her she doesn't belong to this school and ask why doesn't she leaves already, that everyone hates her, that she's a loser, etc.
- All of us singing ''We are the champion (getting louder in the ''No time for losers'' part) and other songs to her
- The school project incident; we were divided into 4 and none of us did anything; we gave her all our assignments and she stayed all night long doing them
- Sometimes invited her to our parties and either left her alone with no one to talk to or humiliated her with my friends (ex: once leaving her without a toilet paper roll; we took it out)

Lastly:
Carrying her and placing her in a garbage bin several times, treating it as a joke and two of us sitting on top for a couple minutes while she was yelling at us to let her out. We then flipped it to the right side and ran laughing.

[madotnw_nihs]

Ugh, you know those bunch movies about assassins or spys that can't leave their past behind in a new life, I feel this is your story with this case. I know it was fun and games for you and your friends, but it was really over the top. You read about kids committing suicide over stuff like this. Be thankful that she is strong enough and added you as her friend. I also don't condone the mother slapping you, but I can't completely blame her. It must have been hell for her daughter and seeing her like that everyday.

I don't know what to do with your ex-fiance. I am trying to think what I would do if I was him. It boils down to do I really think you have changed. I would then also solicit advice from my cousin. I know marriages usually don't involve other opinions like that, but it's an exception in this case.

[Dragonfly92]

I don't blame her mother either. I think it was deserved. Her parents recently found out about it after the break-up. They never knew before why her daughter would be found sometimes crying at night, in a bad mood at times, lost of appetite, etc.

Things got melodramatic after that. My mother then called her mother and they both argued over the phone. My mother was yelling and saying things like ''I hope you're happy you and your daughter ruined my daughter's engagement, dreams, happiness''. Then basically, she said ''ever attack my daughter again, we're going rounds''. Just her mother, my mother is protective too.

My mother wanted me to call the cops when she saw me like that. I told her no.

[madotnw_nihs]

So what's your sense with your ex-fiance? Is there a chance to turn him around?

[Dragonfly92]

So what's your sense with your ex-fiance? Is there a chance to turn him around?

For the meantime I'm backing off and giving him his space. I don't want to sound desperate by calling. He has already informed me that he will ignore any attempt to contact him and wants to be left alone for now. In addition, he only changed his fb profile to single.

Yes, I'm feel grateful and lucky she was forgiving. Such a sweet person that didn't deserve any of that.

[madotnw_nihs]

You said your fiance is upset about you lying about the past? Do you blatantly lie or just omitted everything?