How to not fall in love?

[peace.fairy]

Ok, so I am in a relationship with this guy (a coworker, I wrote about before).
We talked and decided to give it a go, but with no pressure and just be casual and see what happens.
And I am ok with it, I really enjoy spending time with him and also have plenty of time left for myself and career. And for now it's fine and I would really like it to stay this way.
But I am afraid that I will just fall in love with him eventually and might end up being hurt... And I am also overthinking it too much...

How to stop all the overthinking and just chill?
And how to not fall in love?

Because I keep thinking about telling him we should step back and just be friends...
But I really enjoy all the time that we spend together and all the hugs and kisses and all the lovely little moments. And it's warmer to have someone to hug in winter;}

[rjkennedy]

Hi Peace
For starters, only you can control that feeling of falling in love. You didn't say how long you were in a relationship with this co-worker. But regardless, if it was two months or two years, still Peace, it's all on you.

As for him, how does he really feel about you? Have you ever thought about sitting down some weekend afternoon with him, maybe for lunch, and see where this relationship is headed? The hugs and kisses are nice, but it's more to a relationship than that. Although you think you may know him, find out all you can about him and see where his head is at. (It can be as simple as just asking questions).

Also, It will help your situation Peace, to visit my website (the url is in my signature below). I have some fantastic articles and other things that will give you a greater understanding regarding the concept of love, dating and relationships. Let me know how it goes. Good luck!

[Hooo!]

You can’t hurry love
No
You just have to wait
Love ain’t no easY
It’s a game of give and take
...

My experience is that women will in this scenario develop feelings

But taking it slow and casual doesn’t mean you can’t develop feelings for each other
It just means you don’t have to

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=84713]rjkennedy[/MENTION]
we talked a little about what's going on about two weeks into the relationship (it's been about 5-6 weeks now).
He said he likes me a lot and everything is great, but he is not falling in love and therefor doesn't want to give me false hopes. And said that we would definitely be together if we weren't co-workers and it would be awesome, but would end in a few months (I don't know why he thinks it has to end in a few months) and then it would be even more painful since we still be working together.
So then I said that I am not falling in love with him either, but it's really very early still and I don't mind that we don't feel that (I strongly believe feelings can be developed over time) and since we like each other and enjoy each other's company, I would still like to just be the way we are and take it slow and see what happens, because I am not ok with just some non-relationship basically just for sex.

So we are in a casual relationship now.

But I am afraid that I already care about him too much to just keep it casual.
[MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION]
exactly my problem - I believe that I will develop feelings for him.
I think I need to talk to him and tell him I feel that way and see what he thinks.
If he doesn't see anything more here than just a few months of fun I'll tell him we should stop it before it's too late...
But I really really don't want that -
first - I really like the attention and all I mentioned before
and second - I am a hopeless romantic and I believe in love and I believe we can develop feelings over time. It's just that he imagines it needs to be like his first love - butterflies and all and if it's not that, then there's something wrong...
But I guess it's better to protect myself.

[TheEvilJester]

A casual relationship is absolutely fine.... so long as both parties are okay with it. You may have been okay with it at first. You may even still be okay with it FOR NOW. But, if you aren't okay with it forever, that certainly does NOT make you wrong. When two people say they are going to take things slow and "see what happens" shouldn't that "see what happens" include the possibility of you two developing deeper feelings for each other? So, you are NOT wrong if you have started to or do start to develop deeper feelings.

That doesn't mean he is wrong if he does not. But, just communicate with each other. Open and honest communication is the key to any relationship. If you start to develop deeper feelings for him and he just does not see things going any further.... well, then all the better to discover that sooner rather than later. That would at least give you two a better chance of ending things in as friendly a manner as possible. Then there needn't be any hard feelings because nobody lead anybody along. You were both open and honest all the way.

Who knows? Maybe he has started developing deeper feelings for you as well. You certainly won't know unless you try. Unfortunately, there is no magical formula to NOT fall in love. Either you'll develop those deeper feelings for him or you won't. So, again, being honest with yourself and being honest with him is the key. At the same time, don't be TOO quick to give up either. If you two talk about it and he's just not there yet.... but he could feel the same way in time, then SOME patience could be worthwhile. Just don't wait too long if it seems like nothing is ever progressing.

Good luck to you either way. Hopefully his "see what happens" equally includes the possibility of him falling in love with you. If it turns out his "see what happens" was just an excuse to have a casual relationship and not move any further... then you'd be much better off learning that sooner rather than later.

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] thank you so so much for such an honest and 'sober' answer.

I am also a big believer that open and honest communication is the key. Not playing games and trying to somehow manipulate each other.

I have been thinking about what you said for a while now. About what his 'see what happens' means. Because I am open to all the possibilities - I realize nothing might happen but I also believe that there is a chance that something deeper might evolve form this.
And that's basically all I want from it: To just be honest with each other and be open to different possibilities.

And if he only sees this as a couple of months fling just for fun, then you are right again - it is better to know it sooner than later. Because obbsessing and overthinking it all will just drive me insane and keep me from focusing on other things in life. And guessing what he might think won't ever lead to anything good.

And if his 'see what happens' includes all the same possibilities as mine does, then it's all good - I am fine with keeping it this way and actually 'seeing what happens', but not fine with keeping this going knowing that nothing will ever happen.

But I think I will maybe wait a little more before having this conversation. And just see what he does.
And I also don't want to talk about that - it's really difficult for me to actually say all I really wanna say when it comes to these things. And I really enjoy spending time with him. Last weekend I spent two days at his place (for the first time this long) and we spent half the day playing xbox and he would kiss me after every time I lost:}

And I am just afraid if I push him it will scare him away, so I need to prepare not to seem pushy. He had some really bad experiences in the past and I think he's being very very careful and protective now.
But on the other hand I don't want to be treated as just a casual lover for fun for a couple of months. Need to find a middle :}

Thank you again. You really really helped me to put this all into perspective.

[TheEvilJester]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] thank you so so much for such an honest and 'sober' answer.

What are you talking about? I was COMPLETELY drunk when I answered you. LOL! I'm kidding, of course. Actually, I don't drink.

I have been thinking about what you said for a while now. About what his 'see what happens' means. Because I am open to all the possibilities - I realize nothing might happen but I also believe that there is a chance that something deeper might evolve form this.
And that's basically all I want from it: To just be honest with each other and be open to different possibilities.

See, I like that. To me, that is what "see what happens" SHOULD mean. Should ALWAYS mean. To me, if we are taking it literally "see what happens" means, I don't know what's going to happen so I'm not going to ignore any possibilities. Way too often people use "see what happens" as a crutch not to be completely honest. They know that if they were just honest and said "I'm just looking to have some fun and am not interested in anything serious" that some people won't even give them a chance. ...And honestly, that should be a GOOD thing, not a bad thing. If John Smith just wants to have fun and have a casual relationship, but Jane Doe is looking for the real thing.... aren't they really BOTH better off realizing that right away and therefore not wasting each other's time? Hopefully he WAS being honest with you in that his "see what happens" truly meant just that. Sounds to me like you certainly meant what you said. Hopefully he had the same courtesy for you. Which, again, doesn't mean you two couldn't STILL wind up on different pages of the proverbial book. That's okay... if it happened honestly.

But I think I will maybe wait a little more before having this conversation. And just see what he does.
And I also don't want to talk about that - it's really difficult for me to actually say all I really wanna say when it comes to these things. And I really enjoy spending time with him. Last weekend I spent two days at his place (for the first time this long) and we spent half the day playing xbox and he would kiss me after every time I lost:}

And I am just afraid if I push him it will scare him away, so I need to prepare not to seem pushy. He had some really bad experiences in the past and I think he's being very very careful and protective now.
But on the other hand I don't want to be treated as just a casual lover for fun for a couple of months. Need to find a middle :}

Thank you again. You really really helped me to put this all into perspective.

Hey, if you aren't in a rush to have your answers YET, there's nothing wrong with waiting a little while and hoping that he just makes his intentions clearer without you having to even ask. I'd just say have some kind of time line in your mind for how long is too long to wait. It doesn't even have to be a set in stone time frame, just a basic guideline. Because you certainly don't deserve to be in limbo forever. At some point, if you are still just as confused as ever, then you would certainly not be wrong to talk to him about it. You are awesome for not wanting to push him.... but it doesn't have to be that. It doesn't even have to come across that way.

I hear you, for sure, on wanting to have more of a plan. I'm kind of like that myself. With difficult discussions like this, I am a bit of a planner myself. I have to have at least some idea of what I want to say and all the points I want to get across. I definitely don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting to do the same. It is a conversation to approach carefully. Not so pushy that you push him away, but not so passive that you don't make your intentions clear and/or don't get any clear answers. So, I get you for sure on wanting to give yourself time to be ready for the discussion. Though, that too should have a limit. There is a such thing as OVER preparing. The more you tell yourself that you want to get it just right before you actually talk to him, the harder it gets to actually motivate yourself to move forward. So, there too, just don't waste TOO much time in prepartion.

Good luck to you. If I could make a wish for you, I think it would be that you never even have to get as far as HAVING the conversation with him because he starts making it clear he DOES have deeper feelings for you. But, in a realistic world I will just say that I hope things work out for the best, whether that winds up meaning he DOES fall in love with you, or whether that means you two realize sooner rather than later that you just don't want the same things. Again... good luck.

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] again, after reading your answer, I got so much calmer. You explain it all in such a calm and clear manner it just makes me feel good. And makes me feel like you really understand me and the whole situation and that your advices are really honest;}

There is a work Christmas party coming up tonight we are both going to.
I am a bit worried about it, since I really want to clear things up, but I don't want to ruin the party for either of us. But I also don't want to spend the entire party making small talk with him when what I actually want is to talk real things to him. Hopefully I can put all my worries on hold and just enjoy it all (have a cute-sexy costume prepared;})
And then of course we will have a few drinks what will make me forget about all the worries or it can also make it a bit easier to talk openly and get all my points across. Guess I'll just see how it goes.

But I would really like to learn to enjoy whatever is happening a bit more and expect less and chill and to stop overthinking so much. Until of course I don't have to go against my own beliefs and truths.

I definitely don't need my answers RIGHT NOW. So I will wait a while and see how it goes, maybe talk to him a little casually about it, if it gets too much but won't make a big deal out of it. As long as I am not in love with him and I really wouldn't mind just staying friends I guess it's ok.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't even know himself what he really wants, or he is scared and cautious so maybe I need to give him time, because I definitely care about all this and it feels like he does too, just not sure to what extent. Though sometimes I also think this whole 'see what happens' might just be an excuse for him to have sex on a semi-regular basis.. but maybe those are just my own bad experiences talking...

Thank you again for the kind words;}

[TheEvilJester]

I am so glad I've been able to help, even if just in some small way. Believe me, I know what it is like to overthink things constantly, so sometimes it can just help to have somebody else who can put things in perspective a little. Us over-thinkers, we tend to already do all that speculation in our own head... but it can be hard for us to realize when it makes sense and when we are just being insane. LOL! So it can help when somebody else says some of the same things you've been saying to yourself.

As it is, I think my personal advice around the Christmas party would be just to enjoy that. As best you can, save the big talk for later. A Christmas party really wouldn't be the best place for that. Small talk really is more the order of the day in a party setting.

As it is, you may not be so far off about it. Guys often don't know what the Hell they want. LOL! Heck.... PEOPLE often don't really know what they want. So, hopefully in time he will figure that out. Hopefully in time you will figure that out together. If not, then that may be your time to move on. For now, though, just enjoy it and start the bigger talk when it feels to you the time is right.

Once again.... Good luck.

[peace.fairy]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION]

Thank's to you, this topic is kind of under control now I think. I will just try to enjoy whatever this is as long as I am comfortable with it and just see what happens and when the time is right I will ask him as casually as possible what he thinks of all of this and all that.

Now I wanted to ask you another thing as a fellow overthinker and I won't bother you anymore;]

Do you have your overthinking under control? And if so how do you do that?
Maybe you could give me some advice on how to handle it better?
Because sometimes my mind totally spins out of control. And then I come up with problems that aren't even real or I create all these scenarios in my head and they are usually the worst case scenarios....And then they are all in my head and I drive myself insane. Or totally make mountains out of molehills and become really upset over something really small and stupid (and most of the time not real).

Lately it's mostly about that guy of course (but I used to have this with other guys as well). Maybe it's trust issues or something or low self esteem....i don't know..

But for example:
he mentions that his ex used to have the same skirt that I am wearing. And I start wondering if he still loves her...
Or today at work another colleague (three of us are kind of friends) was talking to him about going to some christmas party next week, even though he was talking about that with both of us before and suggesting we all go there, but neither of us said anything and then I just start imaging two of them going there and not even remembering me and then him meeting some other girl there and ending things with me...

And then I start thinking maybe we won't even see each other during the holidays, since lately he never initiates seeing me, we either end up together after a work party (been a few of these lately) or I suggest we meet up.... Or maybe he doesn't even care about me enough to see me during the christmas time.... And I wanna try and not suggest seeing him and see what he does then...

Or he doesn't text me and I am thinking what he is he doing after work if not seeing me.... and it's silly I know. He does have a life and we don't need to see each other every single moment but I make mountains out of molehills in my head and 15 min later I am there sitting totally convinced that he still loves his ex and doesn't care about me at all and I start feeling real bad... Is this anxiety or something?

I am starting to think maybe I need serious help already...

[TheEvilJester]

Now I wanted to ask you another thing as a fellow overthinker and I won't bother you anymore;]

Well, first off, let me make it very clear that you do NOT bother me. I don't mind offering my thoughts and advice. I enjoy helping people in whatever way I can.

As for your question... I will say that I wish there was some magical answer. Some way to stop our over-thinking ways once and for all. Unfortunately, at least in my personal experience, that just isn't very likely. In fact, in my personal experience, I'd actually recommend you not take the approach of trying to force it to stop. Honestly, that is just more likely to actually make it WORSE.

What has worked for me, personally, has more so been realizing how much of an over-thinker I am. Has been having a better understanding of that part of myself. Because I know that about myself, I've been better able to realize when it is very possible I'm doing that. I can't stop that over-active and overly negative imagination of mine from saying things like "XYZ person didn't respond to my text within a couple minutes! They hate me now! What the Hell did I do?" ....BUT... I realize I am being a bit crazy and I intentionally engage my intellectual side on the thought process too. I take a step back and say "You know... I don't always answer people's texts right away either. They could be at work and busy, they could be out at the moment, or any number of other sensible reasons."

I essentially just explain to myself all the (often times MUCH more likely) possible positive realities of whatever it is I am overreacting about in the first place. I won't say it is easy to do, but it is like just about any skill. You get better with practice. And it really does help. You describing how your thoughts spin out of control reminds me so much of myself. Sometimes it really does help to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think about it reasonably. Another possible tactic is to imagine the situation as though it was happening to your best friend instead of you.

For example, if your best friend had a fella and he made the same comment about his ex having the same skirt she was wearing.... in all likelihood, you would probably think something like "Well... that was kind of a weird comment to make, but it probably doesn't mean anything." You probably wouldn't even entertain the thought that it meant he secretly still loved his ex.

So, it is really just more about learning and adapting to your own over-thinking so you can step back and also be your own voice of reason. Honestly, more often than not you will realize that the more reasonable voice in your head turns out to be the one who was right. Sure, sometimes Captain Paranoia will be right too. LOL! But, usually the more reasonable thoughts will turn out to be true.

As far as your fella, him never seeming to initiate you two getting together could be a problem. ...Or it could just be that's kind of the way he is. Some people are like that even if they don't necessarily mean to be. So, again, I think your approach is pretty reasonable. Give him some time and see how things go. Again, though, just have some kind of reasonable breaking point where enough is enough. You don't deserve to be stuck in limbo with your relationship forever.

As far as whether or not you need "serious" help.... I suppose I can't say that for sure without knowing you better.... but I lean towards thinking you don't need "serious" help, per se. However, I would never suggest AGAINST seeking out some professional help if you think it could really help you. You don't have to need "serious" help or be completely messed up to benefit from professional help. Maybe there are some underlying past issues you don't realize you haven't full dealt with that contribute to this. Maybe better understanding them would help you to move on. Sometimes I think we all could use it whether we take advantage of it or not. I certainly probably should have over the years. I may be in a relatively happy place these days, but maybe I would have gotten there so much quicker and more effectively had I sought help.

So, if you can afford it and think it could be helpful, by all means look into therapy. A good professional certainly could help you learn the tools you need to rationalize better and be able to derail your negative thoughts before they get out of control. Just remember that even finding the right therapist can be like finding the right relationship. Sometimes one just doesn't work for you right off the bat and you have to try again.

Either way, I will continue to wish you the best of luck. Whether you are able to go it alone, or need to tag in some help, I hope you learn to be better to you.

[Hooo!]

Here is how you stop overthinking

Step one: what do you want?
Step two: how can I make this happen

All other questions are overthinking. Usually overthinking is interpreting situations in different ways.
Another one would be thinking about things or actions or circumstances outside of your control.
If you can’t know or can’t change it even if you did knew it’s useless information. It doesn’t help you with anything.
And it especially keeps you from focusing on what you want.

If you have to interpret then just assume everything is how you need or want it to be until there is evidence to the contrary.

[peace.fairy]

well, about the 'bothering you' part - that's my overthinking talking... I just can't seem to stop. I will really really need to work on this and all of what you said, what might help and what might not seem to make sense. I think I will wait with the therapy and try overcome this issue on my own, I used to meditate and I believe I need to get back to that practice - would probably help me a great deal in this situation.

As far as your fella, him never seeming to initiate you two getting together could be a problem. ...Or it could just be that's kind of the way he is. Some people are like that even if they don't necessarily mean to be.

I am leaning towards the thought that he is just that way - form all he tell me, he never seem to initiate any gatherings...Every time I just hear he was invited somewhere or his friends offered him to do something, never that he organised something. And at work he is rather similar - most of the time he just goes with the flow of whatever someone else wants to do (i.e. where to go to lunch or where to hang out after work..)

And last time I went to his place he said 'I invited you with my mind....5 minutes more and I would have texted you myself..' So I am pretty sure that's just how he is. And maybe he just needs to relax more around me which is also what happens more and more lately.... So I will definitely wait with 'the talk' and just give him time and space and actually 'see how it goes'. And in the meantime I will focus on my job and overcoming my overthinking.

And what you said about people not texting you back right away - jeeezz! Exactly how I am! I would be sitting at work and the workday coming to an end and I am thinking 'why is he not asking how long I am staying today (he used to in the beginning), he doesn't want to see me after work! why?! what have I done wrong? what is he doing instead? is he seeing someone else?'
now when i just wrote all of this I realised how stupid that sounds. I really need to get some control over this.

Thank you for all your advices and for sharing your thoughts. It is really really comforting to meet a fellow overthinker and learn that I am not going insane here and that this is just how some people are. Though I am sure there are some underlying deep issues behind this. Hopefully I will learn to del with it. And I hope you to:}

- - - Updated - - -

Here is how you stop overthinking

Step one: what do you want?
Step two: how can I make this happen

First of all: I am not always sure what I want and even when I figure that out then the overthinking starts: I start thinking of the best possible way to get that and thinking about all the possible outcomes of all my moves and imagining loads of worst case scenarios...

Secondly: the overthinking usually happens about things that have nothing to do with what I want. Like 'why is he not texting me?' Ok, I do want him to text me. There's nothing I can do to make that happen... I wish my mind worked as logically as yours ;}

[TheEvilJester]

I absolutely mean no disrespect at all, not even in the slightest.... but I can't help but laugh a little bit reading your latest message. I'm not laughing at YOU at all. I'm laughing at me because, my golly... everything you say sounds SO much like me. Even in the "I'll stop bothering you" part. LOL! I do that sort of thing too. There's that one little voice in my head that always tells me I'm bothering people. Like, I could have an online friend with whom I e-mail back and forth constantly. We chit chat about all sort of this and that.... and yet there will still be the one voice saying to me "He/she is sick of you and is just responding because they don't want to hurt your feelings." LOL!

Actually, for that one I DO have a sort of solution that always puts my mind at ease. I make it very clear early on to the person (but not in an obsessive/paranoid way) that I don't mind if it may take them a while to answer back or, if at some point, our conversation just kinda comes to a natural close so we don't e-mail anymore unless we have something come up we want to discuss. I will usually wait until it naturally comes up for conversation like if maybe it has been a couple days and their next message starts with "Sorry for the late response" or something like that. But, I just achieve my end result with a simple quick message like "No big deal on the late response. I get things get busy sometimes. You never have to feel obligated to respond right away or even at all. If we get to a point where we don't have much left to say we can always just talk here and there when we do." It's a little silly and really kind of goes without saying, but it puts my own mind at ease.

Meditation is definitely a great idea. I should probably try it myself, but it just never seemed my kinda thing. But I definitely think it is a good idea if you are into it. Achieving a calm, peaceful mind is part of that whole process, so it could certainly help.

Anyway, it does kind of sound like you could be right in that he is just that way. To some degree, though, that's not okay. He should show SOME effort for you. It's one thing for friends. If they always wind up making plans anyway then who cares who initiates them? But, in a relationship there should never be the feeling that if you stopped trying he'd just cease to be your boyfriend because he wouldn't even try. LOL! But, in general that just may be how he is and therefore better if you usually make the effort. Again.... just so long as it doesn't cross extremes that would be a breaking point for you.

Funny enough, I am actually kind of like him in that matter to some degree. I'm not Mr. Social by any means. So, more often than not, plans with friends are because THEY invited ME and not vice versa. I do sometimes make the effort to be the one to initiate, but more often than not it is somebody else getting the ball rolling and not me. Though, in my case, part of that is because my friends do so often that I rarely get the chance to be the one getting the ball rolling as it is. I enjoy my me time. I wind up being so busy that when I finally have some time for just doing nothing I cherish it rather than looking to make yet MORE plans. LOL!

But, with a relationship (not like I ever have one to speak of) I make sure to make the effort. I forget because I've been responding on your thread for a bit now. How long have you two been together? I skimmed your first post and didn't think you said, and I didn't really have time to skim through all your responses. I ask because if you two have been together for a while there is also very much the possibility that he's sort of just relaxed into a comfortable feeling with you and that is why he sort of just goes with the flow. And that doesn't even have to be a bad thing. That can be a good thing.

Hooo actually offered some great advice. I think his advice actually did a great job of putting into normal human being words (because I am most certainly NOT a normal human being, LOL!) what I was getting at with my explanation. A lot of what he said is what I'm talking about when I say to engage your intellectual side to explain away the negative thinking when it comes up for little or no reason. As Hooo suggested, often when situations arise that require you to speculate to fill in the blanks, there is really no positive result to assuming the worst case scenario. Without knowing the truth, it is best to just assume the best case scenario until given actual evidence to believe otherwise. The problem for peeps like us is we think everything is evidence of the negative thoughts we have. LOL! We just have to better learn to realize when we are over-reacting and when we are seeing ACTUAL evidence of our concerns.

I, myself, have learned to better direct my thoughts to the much more likely and usually more positive conclusions... but as my story shows, it isn't always easy.

Once again, good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Like I say
Thinking about why someone did or does (not) do something is useless
You either ask them
It you assume the best case scenario for you

On how to get what you want:
1 find out what it is
2 find best possible imaginable route and or outcome
3 imagine worst case scenario in the route above: think about how you would deal with that
4 Imagine vividly with picture sense and smell step 2
5 assume everything is or will Forinte the route you have set for achieving what you want
6 (define) and start first step