How to not fall in love?

[peace.fairy]

Well this place is like a diary to me - when I put it all into actual words and write it down it all becomes much easier to me. And also it feels good to have someone read it and share their thoughts about this.
But it's clear to me now, that I need to discuss this with him. Even though sometimes it gets easier to not worry about it and everything seems ok, but sooner or later I just start worrying about same things over and over again no matter if the problems are real or not. And obviously I am not totally happy with this situation and the amount of happiness it brings me is way smaller than the amount of confusion and worrying...

[TheEvilJester]

Absolutely. Inevitably you do need to discuss it with him. That doesn't HAVE TO be now. Or it can be now. It just depends on how you are feeling, really. Again, if you two have only been dating for two months, that is relatively pretty short. Maybe you are fine to just give it some time. Maybe you are not. You definitely don't want to push him, but at the same time, you shouldn't force yourself to be okay with something you are not. From what you've said, it sounds to me (and I could be wrong) like you are at least okay with waiting for right now. So, if you are then give it time and maybe things will progress naturally. If you aren't fine with waiting any longer, then talk to him.

True, you two already discussed taking things slow. That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to change your mind. Or maybe you felt that at the time, but are finding you like him enough that you don't want to wait to move things forward. It's not wrong of you if that is the case.... it would just be wrong if you expect he HAS to feel the same. If you are ready to move forward, you DO run the risk that he's still not. Then, it is just a matter of can you see waiting for a little longer, or are you ready now and need somebody whose time frame can match yours closely? Honesty is almost always the best policy. Even if it turns out that he just does not see things moving forward any time soon, and you are not willing to wait that long.... isn't it better to learn that sooner rather than later.

So definitely in agreement that these are things you should discuss with him. Again, maybe not necessarily right now, but also not too long either.

Back to your over-thinking when you ponder what he may be thinking. Like you mentioned part of you worries if you are too relaxed about it he'll think you don't care enough. ...The thing is, you are not a mind reader. At least I don't think so. If you are, I totally SWEAR he was dead when I got there. The thing is, you can't know what he's thinking and no amount of worrying is going to change that. So, there's no point in worrying about things like that, just do what feels natural and right for you. If it isn't working for him, he can tell you that. If it isn't working for you, you can tell him that. But neither of you can read minds.

I know that's all so much easier said than done (by now you know just how well I know that), but it is still something worth telling yourself over and over again. As always, good luck to you.

[peace.fairy]

I was more than ever looking forward for your answer. I don't know why really. I think I just know there will be something to calm me down;} thank you for that;} And also by now, you know more about this whole thing than any of my friends (again the 'I don't want to bother them too much with my nonsense..') and feels like you even know better what to say in this case than even my closest friends.

As for my fella... I did try to start a conversation. He only came back to work last week after being ill the whole week and I realised that I really missed him after not seeing him for so long. And when i finally saw him I just wanted to hug him. That was thursday. Then on friday, we were the last two people left in the office, so I just went over to him and was like 'oh nobody else is left, I can hug you now' and hugged him, to what his reaction seemed rather cold (he was eating though at that time) then I went home and he went to a game and then to some pub with friends and we didn't see each other the whole weekend. Which kind of tells me he didn't really miss me at all. Then on Monday I just couldn't take it any longer, because in my head he was OF COURSE already in love with someone else... And he left work rather early (went on a date OBVIOUSLY). So I texted him (I know it's lame, but couldn't wait any longer). Asked if he still feels awkward around me at work (he once told me he does) because now I started feeling awkward. So he replied (after a couple of hours) 'I kind of got used to it.. Why did it start feeling like this for you?' I explained him the whole him being sick and me wanting to hug him even more after he came back.. And he only checked the message the next morning. And didn't reply. And we just spent the whole day at work, just as if nothing is going on...

Seems like he just lost interest or something or maybe really met someone else... I don't understand.
Everything was going really well before he got sick and it was getting even better... And now... I don't know.
Of course maybe I am just imagining things (wouldn't be the first time), but it feels like somehow everything's changed and I can't even tell anymore if it's just my paranoid thinking or a real gut feeling...

But that time I texted him, could have been his chance to explain me what's happening and why it's all weird now.. so it's a bit strange he's not saying anything. After all we did have an 'agreement' to not sleep with anyone else as long as we're being with each other. Even though we were not actually a couple or anything, but still. I think some explanation would be normal in this situation, right? (if the situation is really real of course) But like, at least let me know if you met someone else or just decided to stop whatever this was, so I could move on as well and don't just leave me hanging here all lost.... Especially since every time until now when there was something important he was always putting in effort to make sure I know what's going on.

One part of me wants to just sit down with him and talk about it all and settle it once and for all (well at least for now;D), because there definitely was, maybe there still is, something and for me it's worth to at least try something before totally abandoning it.
But then there is another part that says: 'he is clearly not interested anymore for whatever reason, so just let it go, let him be and give him space and if he wants something he will tell you and then you can choose what to do, but for now you already told him enough and he obviously doesn't care..'

btw, I am at work now and he just came in and didn't even come over to shake my hand as he always does, just waved at me..:| (what happened to 'we need to come up with our own secret handshake..?') And he came in an hour later than usual (so in my head it's OF COURSE because he is sleeping with someone).

Anyways, seems pretty obvious to me that he just doesn't care anymore or needs some space or whatever but it feels like it's kind of over now. Just strange he's not saying anything, so there still is a chance it's all just in my head (as usual).
I think for now I will stick with the side of me that tells me to let it go.
And I won't do anything.
Won't suggest to see each other.
Won't initiate any 'important conversations'.
Will just leave it as it is and if nothing ever even happened.
And I will just do my own thing and focus on work and myself and stop worrying about this(at least try as much as possible ;D)
And be all nice and friendly to him, cos it's really my choice how to react to whatever is going on. I can either be overthinking and worrying and getting mad at him for not doing anything, what will just make me all unhappy and cold and moody at work and won't really change anything. Or I can try to really let it go and accept it for what it was/is and realise he doesn't owe me anything and just be happy.

This was the longest post ever I think, thank you if you read it all. [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] I would really appreciate your input if you have any thoughts about this.

[TheEvilJester]

I will have to admit that after reading your latest update I'm sort of leaning towards thinking he isn't taking your relationship seriously enough. Don't misunderstand. That doesn't mean I think he's met somebody else as you've speculate may be the case. My best guess would be he has NOT. I could certainly be wrong, but I just don't necessarily think that is the case.

It also doesn't necessarily mean he's less interested in you then he was in the past. That MAY be the case or that may not. You've mentioned on many occasions that you often feel like he doesn't take the initiative enough.... so I honestly sort of lean more towards thinking this is just more of him being him. I lean towards thinking there is nothing further to read into it then just this is the way he is....

BUT....and this is a big but here (GIGGLE! I said "big butt.") That doesn't make it okay. To me, the more you share about your interactions, the more I am leaning towards thinking that he is just like that, but that it is getting to a point where he needs to learn to work around that. Similar to how are trying to learn to work around your negative thoughts so you don't drive yourself crazy and then subsequently treat your romantic partner like all the paranoid thoughts you've told yourself actually ARE true. In much the same way, he can't just think it is okay to put basically no effort into the relationship and expect you to just be fine with that.

And, again, you two had the "let's take things slow and just see where it goes" kind of discussion. So, this could very well be his version of that. That doesn't mean you have to just except that and live with it. So, I am personally beginning to think that now may be the time to talk to him about this. I wouldn't necessarily suggest you start it off with a "shape up or I'm shipping out" kind of discussion. I don't think you have to go straight from 0 to p*$$ed off, so to speak. LOL! I just think now is the time to at least bring the topic up for a serious discussion. By that, I mean a sit down, face to face, open discussion. Not something via text message or anything like that.

Now may be the time to sit down with him and just have a discussion somewhat like this:

"So, I don't necessarily mean to pressure you or anything. I get we talked about taking things slowly, and I'm still fine with that. It's just, even with 'taking things slowly,' I have just started to feel like you aren't interested anymore. And, honestly, if that is true, that is fine. But, just be honest with me so we can both move on. But, if that's not the case, then I'd like it if you made that more obvious. To me, when I say I want to take things slowly, that is still with the idea that we are hopefully moving towards a more serious relationship. If that doesn't happen, that's fine, but we need to be honest with each other through the whole thing..."

Anyway, something like that. Obviously put it in your own words, but that is just my idea, off the top of my head, of how you could start the conversation. Then, as best you can, try not to get upset no matter how it goes. As best you can, try to remain calm and open to whatever he has to say. Even if it turns out you don't like what he has to say, then maybe that just means you two decide it isn't going to work out. Hopefully, though, you can do that amicably and remain friendly at least. Or, you never know, maybe he actually WILL want a more serious relationship with you and actually CAN and will work to be better about making that obvious to you. But you'll never know unless you try.

If you still feel like you want to wait and see how things go, I supposed that is okay FOR NOW. You can wait and see if he will actually make the effort if you don't and start to go by that. Again, it is still somewhat early in the relationship. But, you shouldn't wait too long and continue to just leave yourself wondering.

When two people have the "let's just take it slow and see where it goes" kind of conversation, the hope is that means the same thing for them both. Maybe for you two it did. Maybe it didn't. That doesn't make either of you wrong if it didn't mean the same thing, but neither of you should be expected just to accept it and go along with what the other wants if it isn't what you want. And you deserve somebody who will make you happy and NOT make you wonder if they even care at all. Maybe that CAN be him, maybe not. Good luck to you either way.

[peace.fairy]

Thank you for such a sincere reply.
By now I am almost sure he hasn't met someone else and all those speculations was just me being crazy once again.
Anyways it is obvious that he is not taking this seriously enough and I am way more into it than he is. We haven't seen each other for three weeks now (apart from work) and for me that's pretty clear that nothing is happening anymore.
Maybe that's really just the way he is and there is nothing more to it...
or maybe he got used to me always initiating things and because I am not suggesting anything - he isn't either...
or maybe it's because he was (still is a little) sick...
maybe he just got bored with me or lost interest...
maybe he saw I am more into it than he is and just decided to take a step back so I don't accidentally fall in love with him...
maybe he did actually develop feelings for me and got scared...
maybe he thinks I am not initiating anything because I was just using him for my career advantage (he was kind of my superior) and now once my trial period is over and I am staying here I don't need him anymore...
I can come up with tons of reasons, but whatever the case might be - it's pretty clear 'we' are over.
And honestly I am fine with it. Really all I wanted was clarity - and now I have it and I have made (still am making) my peace with it.
We haven't talked about it - I don't even think there is anything to talk about really. As you once said - maybe he will make his intentions clear without me even haveing to bring it up and I think he did.
So as far as I am concerned - we are just friends now. And I can finally truly focus on my job without wondering all day what he is thinking or who he is calling to..;D

I am not going to deny it - it's pretty sad it's over - it was fun and he is a really really good kisser and we have many things in common and even share the same dream about traveling..;D but I would much rather become real friends with him and be able to relax and be myself and be happy around him and at work than constantly worry about where this is going and what he is thinking and drive myself insane.

In the last year I have dated three guys. I left my long term bf last january, then had a crazy passionate but very short romance and was left totally heartbroken and then dated this guy. I haven't been single in about three years, well, single or concerned about someone I am dating or trying to make something work...
I am kind of tired of it and I think it's time to have a year for myself. And just the thought of that makes me happy:}

I still like him, quite a lot really and we do have loads in common and similar backgrounds and dreams and there is chemistry and I still think we could be together someday and it would be great, but I would much rather just step back for now and get to know him as a friend, than push him or go through anymore of this tension and awkwardness. I believe I am worth an honest and loving real relationship and not this 'casual, let's see what happens crap' - I am clearly not made for it;D

So thank's again for your help EvilJester and go have a veggie burger;}

[TheEvilJester]

Well, if it works for you then I am happy for you. I don't necessarily think I'd agree with not at least talking to him. You have a TON of "maybe this" or "maybe that" kind of questions that will probably never be answered unless you ask.

When it comes down to it, though, it does definitely sound like he's not putting enough into the relationship. Maybe that was because he was not that into it, maybe it is just who he is. Either way, it obviously doesn't work for you. Honestly, even if you DID talk to him, that probably wouldn't have changed. Maybe, but chances are things would have pretty much been the same.

So, if you think it works better for you just to call it quits, then maybe that is for the best. I guess let me just ask this as a hypothetical question.... if you started dating somebody new tomorrow, would he be upset/feel cheated on, or would he just think "Well, okay, we weren't really that serious, so no biggie?" I ask because if there was any indication that you two were officially a couple, then he at least deserves to know you've changed your mind. I will say... it doesn't sound like there WAS ever any indication you were, so maybe your approach is just fine. I just offer that up as food for thought.

Good for you, though, for wanting to find yourself again. I can say, I've done that myself recently. I have become so ridiculously happy over the last year or so, and almost all of that came from me. I've learned to accept myself in a way I never thought possible. It has kind of unfortunately made me lose interest in looking for love. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that's a bad thing. I don't know. I just know for now I am enjoying the Hell out of it. And I know if I DO decide to start looking again, I can do so knowing I can be just as happy with myself if things don't go well in my love life. Definitely makes the impact so much less. So, for sure I am a HUGE supporter of learning to love yourself.

To me, the ultimate goal in life as it relates to love is to be happy enough by yourself to not NEED love.... but to still want it anyway. I, myself, FINALLY discovered my path to that first part. ....Now I just have to work on getting back to the wanting it part. Good luck to you. I hope you find your inner peace so you love yourself enough not to need love from anybody else.... but then I hope you find the love of your life anyway.

[peace.fairy]

I am glad to hear that you are happy. I really really wish you to find real love one day. As you mentioned you feel like you were meant for love I do understand what that feels like, I really really hope you find it.

And as for me, I think you are right that I should at least talk to him. I just think I will hear the things I don't really wanna hear, so I need to prepare myself better. I mean, even though it's quite obvious he isn't that much into this and I am at least half way fine with it, there still is a part of me that hopes he does have some feelings for me and be willing to try something more serious.... I know it sounds probably naive but I am a hopeless romantic and I really believe that 'all you need is love' and it is the most important thing for me, so if there still is at least slight chance, I am willing to take the risk. So yeah...I think I will talk to him after all... And it would be great if he tells me what I secretly hope to hear but I will be alright even if he doesn't, I just know it will be unpleasant to hear that...

He did start to show attention again though. He's starting to feel better (was really sick and still is a little..) and he's getting a bit flirty again. Though he also said a mean thing to me today. We were playing foosball at work today and as usual we were a team (there are only a few people who play and sometimes we switch teams but mostly I am always with him). I am the worst player of them all though and he used to be encouraging at first and sweet about my lousy playing but today he said 'wow nice! your game is getting better and better' very sarcastically even mean a little after I made a stupid mistake... got me really upset. Was very very weird... He is having a tough time at work though and he gets agitate quite easily. Well at least I know he wasn't being nice to me before out of pity (my grandma died last week..( ) And also it's clear I am not totally indifferent about him. And there's also this weird tension building up...

Anyways, I really wanna sleep with him again. To at least get rid of all that tension... And it's been age since we kissed... Probably he feels similar and maybe that's why all those flirty vibes are there again... But I won't do it, unless we talk first and he does want to try a real relationship.. Otherwise I am really done with it. Maybe there are girls who can just have casual sex, but I clearly wasn't made for it. Sex and intimacy is a big deal to me after all and I do catch feelings and I want more meaning to it all. Well I'll see how it goes, but one way or another I am totally sure I will be happy. With him or without:} This whole loving myself and focusing on myself thing is really kicking in and I am really enjoying it.

Thanks for all the advise and all those thoughtful replies:} I hope you realize just how much I appreciate it:} I think I will deal with what's left with this on my own now, because it's better to just focus on myself and my job and not ruminate about this anymore.

On a side note, did you think more about a month of vegetarian eating challenge? I am seriously suggesting you try it;} If not for anything else then at least for getting to know yourself even better. And if you eat so much meat, I bet a month of not eating it would probably save a cow or two;}} Try it! Try it! ;} Just kidding of course, but think about it;}

[TheEvilJester]

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of the path ahead of you. You said that part of you is worried that, if/when you ask him about it you won't like what he has to say. Thing about that is, you have already hit the point where you are about ready to give up on the relationship anyway. So, even if you DID talk to him about it and don't like what he has to say... you are in no different a spot then you'd have been had you just chosen to give up without even talking to him.

So, as long as you can feel confident that you can talk to him about it and stick to your guns either way, then go for it. In this instance "stick to your guns" could mean more than one thing. Could mean if he's NOT interested in anything more serious you decide it is time to just move on. But, it could also mean if it turns out he IS ready for something more serious that you take a chance to see if you two can make it work after all.... albeit with still some level of caution on your part and some patience, but not TOO much patience, if you catch my drift.

Sounds like you are on a pretty good path either way finally. Good luck to you in your continued journey.

And thank you for your well wishes for my own journey. (Am I the only one who can't hear that word without thinking of the song "Don't Stop Believing?" LOL!) These days, I've come to accept that love just wasn't meant for me. I'm okay with that. Or at least I am for now and I'm hoping that will last. But... I'm also not closed off to it. If the universe saw fit to prove me wrong, I wouldn't try to deny it that chance. But, I spent WAY too much of my life miserable and lonely. I think I deserve this time to be happy.

And, the vegetarian thing is something I'd love to try. I don't know. Maybe some day I will. I don't think I could even entertain the idea of going full on vegan. Even just based yogurt alone that would kill me because I LOVE yogurt. LOL! But, I could maybe at least give a vegetarian diet a try.

[peace.fairy]

Well if you ever decide to try the vegetarian thing, let me know how it goes:} and I couldn't go full on vegan either. But I don't even think it's natural. I am all about everything natural when it comes to food (and many other things). And being vegan just isn't natural to any human, because you need certain vitamins, specifically B12, which you can only get from animal produce and it's essential for every human. And while on vegan diet you need to take supplements to get B12, so it just seems wrong...

Anyways, I know I said I won't talk about my fella anymore, but I am confused again. So I hope (I know it's my overthinking, but I have to write it - I know you'll understand) I am not bothering you too much....

Friday night he left the office just a few minutes before me and when I left the building I bumped into him just outside talking to some friend and he says 'waaaiiiit' to me - just like he used to when he wanted to make plans with me. So he said goodbye to his friend and we walked a little bit to his car and he gave me a ride home (I live like 10 minutes on foot from the office). We of course just made small talk, but there was that same tension like before when you can feel that there's something more we wanna say... Anyways, it was as if nothing ever changed.
So probably nothing really changed (in his mind) and nothing was happening really just because he was sick. And since we're 'casual and taking it slow' it didn't seem like a big deal to him. So apparantly we can just continue on with what was going on.

But this whole past month, since we were last 'together' I had a lot of time to think and I figured out what I want and what I don't want. What I don't want is to be used for fun until someone better comes along, because most likely I will develop feelings and get hurt in the end if he doesn't see this ever turning into something more...
And what I do want is to be with him in a real relationship OR to be just friends. Though, even being just friends I would still secretly hope he wuold develop feelings for me and we would be together. Sounds stupid probably, but don't get me wrong - it's not that I am hopelessly in love with him, I do have some feelings for him I guess but they are more just attraction or smth and I just see a lot of potential and I can imagine we'd be great together. And since I am ready to give up on him anyway, I might as well just try something to get what I really want before totally giving up...
And he seems to be quite passive in this and the kind of guy who I could move in the direction I want if I just played my cards right... Now, I don't really want to play games, but a part of me thinks 'oh come on, just try it and you might get a great bf'...

So, my questiong is what 'strategy' to use to get the most chances of him falling for me? DD Even writing that seems ridiculous, but, oh well, maybe I just need to go for it.

One way is to just continue this casual thing, being all sweet and kind a warm to him and hoping that all the amazing sex and talks we have will make him fall in love with me, but at the same time keeping it cool and watching myself carefully keeping in mind this might not end the way I want and not develop too strong feelings. And maybe when I get the chance casually ask him what he's thinking about all this, but without the 'so where is this going?'...

Another way: to just tell him straight away that this casual thing is not really working for me because I am starting to care a little more and if he doesn't think he can feel the same, then maybe we should stop all that and just remain friends. But then I'd still be all fun and sweet and flirty and make him develop feelings for me and at the same time get to know him better without that constant thought at the back of my head 'he's just using you for sex'...

I think I will continue with the first plan for some time, and definitelly talk to him about it, but not too seriously and if nothing changes after a while (mostly I give it 2-3 months, depending on how I am doing in the feelings front;}) and I can always just tell him I'd rather be friends later anyway...

Or should I tell that to him now and hope that this sort of rejection and withholding all the intimacy will make him want me more? I know you can't possibly answer this, but maybe you can just share your thoughts one more time.. ?

[Hooo!]

Honesty pays of in the long
Especially as a foundation of any intimate relationship

But that’s just my opinion

[peace.fairy]

Honesty pays of in the long
Especially as a foundation of any intimate relationship

But that’s just my opinion

Mine too. That's why I don't wanna play games or anything like that. And I want to be honest not just with him, but with myself as well and only when I do that, I can really feel good about myself. It's not always the easiest thing to do, but I believe the best one. Thank's [MENTION=85121]Hooo![/MENTION]

[TheEvilJester]

To be perfectly honest with you, I would personally not recommend either of the options you presented. At least not at this point. The first option of just continuing as is and hoping that things progress MAY have been a good strategy earlier. However, and I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like you are at a point where you are not enjoying the uncertainty anymore. It would be different if you both were on the same page. If, for example, you weren't ready for anything serious yet anyway so you were actually 100% okay with the way things currently are. I could be wrong, but it certainly does not sound like you are still okay with this level of "let's just see where it goes."

However, I am also not entirely sold on your other plan mainly for one reason. That being that I DO NOT think it is a good idea to end the relationship... but in the back of your mind be hoping that at some point the relationship will be rekindled. Or, to think you can somehow influence him into changing his mind. I would NOT recommend ending it and then just hanging around him hoping he changes his mind. Somebody is either going to want to be with you or not. You can't really change their mind.

So, IF you made the decision to end the relationship, my personal advice would be only one of these few conclusions.

A) You end it, and consider it 100% over in your minds... but you remain friends with him and leave the option open. In other words, you 100% assume nothing more than friends will ever come of it. You move on and look for love elsewhere rather than in him. ....BUT, you still leave the option open (you don't say that to him, this is just in your own mind) if he actually did change his mind. In order for that option to work, it HAS to mean you actually buy into it/believe it. Not that there is just some part of you hanging around hoping he'll change his mind.

B) You end it, consider it 100% over in your minds, you remain friends, but you actually have 0% interest any rekindling of the relationship anyway, you see him as just a friend.

C) You end it and do not even remain friends because you know that it would otherwise be too hard for you. That doesn't even mean you can't be friendly. For example, if you saw him at a party, you don't have to leave. But, you also don't have to hang out with him all the same. With this option, you'd essentially treat him like a work acquaintance. Somebody you wouldn't necessarily reach out to on your own, but it isn't like you'd throw acid in their face at the mere sight of them.

Again, this is only my own opinion. You do have to do what is right for you. It's just, I almost never think it is a good idea to waste your time hanging around somebody hoping that somehow they'll change their mind about you. In the end, if it seems he isn't as into this as you, you'd be better off moving on. How else can you ever get over him and maybe find the guy with whom you are actually meant to have something very special?

All that said.... you should at least talk to him first. Again, it doesn't even have to be with any hurt feelings. Just something similar to what you suggested yourself. Something like "Hey, I know we talked about taking things slow, and I did mean that at the time. It is just, I am not finding that is working for me any more. I need something more serious, so I want to know if you feel the same way. If you don't, I understand, if you do that is great and we can discuss further what that means for us. But, our current arrangement just doesn't work for me anymore."

There doesn't even necessarily need to be any hard feelings if you two just aren't on the same page. On the surface, he didn't necessarily do anything wrong. He was honest with you right from the start that he just wasn't ready to get serious. You knew that and were okay with it at the time. But that doesn't mean you have to continue to be okay with it.

Anyway, as I always say, you have to do what feels right for you. My advice may not be the path you want to take, and if not then you should do what you decide is right for you. It's just, again, little good ever comes from waiting around for somebody just hoping they grow to care for you more than it seems they do.

As always, I will continue to wish you the absolute best of luck, and the happiness you deserve, whether that winds up being with him or with somebody else.

[peace.fairy]

firstly about that waiting around for someone... I always remember my first love. I liked him from the very first time I saw him. I used to even think he was out of my league and I was completely unexperienced in this so I didn't even do anything about it. We were studying together and I was sitting next to him for 1,5 years before we started dating. For 1,5 years I secretly liked him and just hung around with him as friends hoping he would feel the same. And eventually he did. And it was my first and biggest love ever.

Anyways, I need to write it all out again and put all my thoughts in order...

Things seem to get back to the way they were with my fella.
We even went on sort of a date on Sunday.
He invited me to go have a donut with him. he picked me up, drove to that place (there's this old school donut shop) we had a coffee, chatted, had some laughs. When we sat back in the car there was this little awkwardness when we were deciding what to do next. Since the weather was terrible, there's not much we could come up with and I didn't want to just suggest going back to someone's. I got a feeling he did want to suggest that, but didn't. So he drove me home and then before getting out of the car I kissed him and we made out for a while and that's it. And we singed up for Netflix together and have a joined account now

And then this week he's showing me attention at work again, being flirty and all and asking what I am doing after work... Obviously I think he just wants sex again. And for the last time I am realising I can't do this anymore. But then I am confused again... Maybe I can? ...

I definitely need to talk to him, but I am not sure what I am going to say..
But I need to talk to him anyways, because even when we randomly spend time together, like on Sunday or when we go out for lunch at work it's getting weird to talk to him and I start talking nonsense and we just make small talk, because there are real things I really need to discuss with him, but I am too scared..

As Hooo! says I need to figure out what I want and go after it.
So what I truly want is a normal relationship. Not necessarily with him - I am not in love with him or anything, but I like him and at the moment there seems to be something between us, so I wanna try it.

So I don't want to end the relationship. Though I don't even think there is a relationship to end... But I think, I can't keep doing this 'casual' thing anymore. I like him and I want to actually 'see what might happen' meaning that I want to try and make things happen. And I am not sure if it's my paranoid thinking because of how I was hurt in the past or it's real but I am getting the feeling that he is just using this 'see what happens' as an excuse for sex...

Then again, things seemed to progress before he got sick and now we even went out in daylight and in a public place and not drinking alcohol so I keep thinking if i just wait a little while longer and see how it goes maybe this casual thing will turn into something more serious. But it wouldn't be fair to do this and hope it will turn into something more and then be all upset each time there're clues it will never be anything more...

But then I think, people do this - they date for a few months and then it either turns into something more or it doesn't... So maybe I should wait a little while longer...?

It's not that I NEED a relationship RIGHT NOW. If he doesn't want it and we just stay friends, I am not going to go look for someone else. I am then just going to focus on myself but I would keep an option open that this might be rekindled at some point, not that I would actively pursue it.

And if he could see this going somewhere then I can wait, we can take it slow as long as it at least might go somewhere.. We don't need to become an inseparable couple all of a sudden and start hanging out every day. But I don't want to be just anyone for him to spend his lonely evenings with once in a while because I am already starting to care. Sure I'll be sad if he doesn't feel the same at all and it all ends, but I won't be hurt. And I need to know what's going on more clearly. This uncertainty is just messing with my head way too much.

I think that's about what I should tell him. But I need to be calm and make sure I say everything I need to say and without any hard feelings or anything. But I just don't know how to do that. How to start such conversations. It seems like I could stand up right now and just walk over to him and be like 'you know, I need to tell you something..' but obviously I won't do that at work...arrggghhh such a stupid situation.

[TheEvilJester]

firstly about that waiting around for someone... I always remember my first love. I liked him from the very first time I saw him. I used to even think he was out of my league and I was completely unexperienced in this so I didn't even do anything about it. We were studying together and I was sitting next to him for 1,5 years before we started dating. For 1,5 years I secretly liked him and just hung around with him as friends hoping he would feel the same. And eventually he did. And it was my first and biggest love ever.

That is a really great story. To be honest with you, though, my gut reaction to that is really two things.... 1) Firstly, that is pretty rare as the end to a story like that, so your situation there was really more the exception rather than the norm. 2) What could have been had you said something rather than waiting a year and a half? Maybe he actually would have been interested in you all the way back then. Hell... maybe he WAS and he was also too shy to say anything.

Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. That's in the past, so it isn't like you can change it now. Maybe waiting around for somebody worked for you then.... but it so rarely does. More often than not, it just results in the loss of the opportunity. The other person gets into a relationship, or you know each other so long they can't help but think of you as just friends, or any other number of things.

This case is a little different because, though it isn't exactly clear WHAT your relationship is, you two do have a relationship of sorts. It isn't like you are just friends and you are secretly hoping it can be more. ...But it still sounds like you are at a point where you are no longer comfortable just "seeing where it goes." So, again, I personally cannot suggest just continuing to wait. Again, that's just me. But, I can't help but point out... exactly how long are you going to wait?

Recently, you seem to hit a point where you feel done with the relationship... but then he will do or say something that is essentially throwing you a small bone and you'll doubt that decision and be willing to wait again. Believe me, hopefully you know me enough by now to know I don't mean that to sound like I am criticizing you. Believe me, I understand how you feel. I just do not want to see you continue to hurt yourself with all this doubt.

If you are no longer okay just waiting around hoping things will progress, that doesn't make you wrong. It wouldn't make you wrong to talk to him about it. You can approach the conversation as casually as you want. If you are fine with a slow relationship but at least need to know that you two are headed in the same direction, then great. If you are at a point where you need to take it to the next level soon (or, if not to move on otherwise) then that is how to approach it.

But it is clear the same old same old isn't working for you right now. And that is okay. He's not wrong if it DOES still work for him.... but you're not wrong if it does not. I still remain of the same opinion that talking to him about this all is the only way you'll put your mind at ease. Either he just doesn't see things progressing (or even if he does, his time frame is jut too slow for you), or he is actually more on the same page as you than you realize. Either way, you won't know unless you talk to him.

Again, best of luck to you. I really do hope it works out for the best. Maybe the best actually will be that you two wind up together after all. Maybe it will be that you find somebody else. I cannot predict the future. But, I wish for you to be able to find your very own happy ending.

[peace.fairy]

Thank you as always made me calmer somehow about the upcoming conversation I need yo have witg him.

Not for a second I thought that you might be critisizing me or anything.. actually it's good to hear (read) things like "he's throwing you a bone" - it's a bit harsh but true and brings me down to earth and opens my eyes a little to make me see things from a different perspective. So thank you for that too.

I feel like tomorrow might be the day I finally talk to him. Since it's friday and he's been flirting with me again and stuff and I feel he might suggest we do something... even if he doesn't I will ask to talk to him. You are right it is the o nly way I can put my mind at ease. There are two possible outcomes: either he does feel the same and we move forward or he doesn't and we go back to being friends - either one sounds better than what it is now. I get the feeling though that it will be the second thing and we end what ever this is right now. But I was already ready to give up on it, heck I already thought it WAS over and kind of made my peace with it...and now it's starting again...

Hopefully I manage to stay true to myself and be totally honest and tell him everything I need and not scare him or anything.

I guess I will have something to write about after talkimg to him, so I bet it's not my last post just yet.. Hope you still have some patience to read it

since I decided I definitely will talk to him, I am getting nervous. And I can convince myself as much as I want to, but honestly I still have some kind of hope that maybe he will want to try being together...But I am almost sure that he won't and I think I know how the conversation will go.

today at work we were all talking about goin on 'worcation' in a few months and we're thinking about going to Barcelona, but then started joking about where else and he suggests (in a joking manner, but still..) going to Ibiza. His ex lives there now. That kind of sucked to hear.