She told me she loves me. I’m not ready. Advice?

[jacob143]

I’m in a situation where I should be over the moon but I’m not. Well, I don’t really know how I feel. The story goes like this. My girlfriend and I were talking over the phone last night when out of the blue she just dropped the “Love” word on me. She told me she loved me and I got caught off guard. My response was “you too,” just something cordial so I could give a response at that very moment. She didn’t seem to mind, though.
We’ve only been together for six months. My friend went on a romance tour and I tagged along as a tourist. While he was at this event, I went out and eventually met this girl. We had a lot of fun together and we kept communicating even after I left. That’s how we got together. It’s quite a sweet story for me, to be honest. However, no matter how sweet this is, this still doesn’t mean that I already love her. It could lead to that but not now.
I’m afraid to tell her that I’m still not on that level yet because she might get upset. Do I have to say the L word too even if I don’t really mean it? Won't that be even worse than not saying it at all? I think I can dodge her for a while but I know eventually I would have to explain why I'm not saying I love you back. I'm confused here. I need some advice.

[Hooo!]

So what do you want in regards to her? What do you feel for her?

[TheEvilJester]

Do I have to say the L word too even if I don’t really mean it? Won't that be even worse than not saying it at all?

Well, I'll start off with that. Respectively... NO! Do NOT say it if you do not mean it. And YES! That is worse than not saying it at all. So, you are definitely on the right course there as far as I'm concerned. The only thing where I'm not 100% sure myself (so I hope others can chime in with thoughts) is whether you should address it immediately, or just leave it alone for now.

I would think maybe best just to leave it alone for the time being in hopes that maybe it doesn't come up again until you are ready to say it anyway. Then, just say it to her whenever you feel it is the right time. However, again, that is one aspect where I'm not sure if I may be wrong there. Maybe waiting isn't the right move.

Either way, though, whether it is right now, or whether you do it if she KEEPS saying the big "L" word, I DO feel like my advice would be the same. Which is, if it comes to a point where you feel it needs to be addressed, you'd be better off just to talk to her about it. Just be very honest, but tactfully honest. Something like "I really like you. I don't want you to worry that this means I'm not into you or anything like that. But, I just am not there yet. I am not saying I don't see us getting there. It just takes me more time. But, I do like you and I do still want us to keep seeing where this is going." Something along those lines, but obviously put that all in your own words.

You have to do what feels right for you and for her, but that is just what I think personally. If it keeps coming up, it would be wrong to tell her you love her too if you don't truly feel that way. So, it may need to be addressed if she keeps bringing it up, but you just aren't there yet.

Good luck to you.

[peace.fairy]

Definitely DON'T say it back if you don't mean it - it's much worse than not saying it at all. I would agree with EvilJester that it's better to wait and not address it right away. It might be she didn't even focus on it that much and it wasn't really a big deal. Of course if it keeps coming up it would be better to honestly talk to her about this and say something like EvilJester suggested. As a girl I would be totally ok hearing this - much rather this than a fake 'I love you'.

I was actually in a similar situation recently - I started dating a guy and couple weeks into it he said that he is just not falling in love with me. He said he likes me very much and enjoys to spend time together and doesn't want anything to end, but he's just not falling in love and he even said he's not sure if he ever can. And he began that conversation himself and said he just wants to be honest and make things clear, which I very much appreciated and we are still 'seeing where this is going'. Ok the situation is actually different, but I mean it's not that bad to hear such things. Him being honest is much more important. So just be honest. Definitely in no circumstances say 'I love you' if you aren't there yet.

[omgtotallyxo]

Explain to her you can't express something that isn't true (yet). People fall in love differently and at different pace. There is nothing you can do about it. Conversely, just because someone say they love you, doesn't mean its true. I'm not saying she is lying but she herself may not even know it isn't true. Love stands the test of time and troubled waters.

[Yadi]

Everyone misunderstands what love really is... It's just an emotion.

One minute you feel the love, the next you feel angry, it comes and goes. To say "I love you" and expect it to last forever is just Hollywood nonsense. Say it when you feel it, dont say it when you dont feel it. If you want to use it as a word for lasting commitment, its better to use "Lets get married" instead.

I'd concentrate on the feeling, and learn what it really is if I were you. Then I'd explain it to her.

[TheEvilJester]

Everyone misunderstands what love really is... It's just an emotion.

One minute you feel the love, the next you feel angry, it comes and goes. To say "I love you" and expect it to last forever is just Hollywood nonsense. Say it when you feel it, dont say it when you dont feel it. If you want to use it as a word for lasting commitment, its better to use "Lets get married" instead.

I'd concentrate on the feeling, and learn what it really is if I were you. Then I'd explain it to her.

I agree with a lot of this. I do think a lot of times people do greatly misunderstand "love." Love can mean many different things. Love can also be permanent or temporary. The difference is, for lack of a better way to describe it, true love. I'm not even just talking about romantic love. True love can be the kind of unconditional love a mother has for her child. True love can be shared between two friends who have been there for each other their whole lives. And, true love CAN be romantic love. Love that lasts. Love that may not be as new and exciting forever, but that doesn't have to mean it fades. In fact, it can be all the stronger for it.

...I guess I'm kind of getting ahead of things. You two are too new in your relationship to really know if it can be something that will last. You yourself aren't yet ready for the L word. I'm just saying that, often times people do use that word WAY too lightly. Usually when they do they don't MEAN to/don't realize it.... but some people are too quick to jump to that word. That may well be the case with her. Though, conversely, there are some people who are just bizarrely in tune with themselves in that way and somehow just know. Could even be possible she's like that.

Bottom line, though, without being able to read minds, you can't really know. So, more important for you to consider is what you want. Even if you aren't yet ready to say the L word.... if you feel like you still like her enough that you think you WILL get there, then no harm in just continuing to see where things go. Again, if it HAS to be addressed, then address it. For example, if she keeps saying it, you can't necessarily just not say it....but nor should you say it without meaning it.

Sounds a bit contradictory, I know..... But what I mean is basically if she keeps saying it, you can't just keep saying things like "Gee, that's really swell," or "Thank you," or stuff like that. LOL! Which does NOT mean you should say it if you don't yet mean it. It just means, if it keeps coming up, you'll have to just be honest with her. Fully honest. If fully honest means you like her and think you'll get there, you just need time, tell her that. If honest means you just aren't feeling it, that you like her but don't feel that special spark.... then tell her that. If the way you feel isn't enough for her, then you are both better off realizing that sooner rather than later.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you are able to figure it out and that it works out in whatever way turns out to be best for you both. That could mean that you get there yourself and feel ready to say it to her. It could mean you two realize you just aren't the right match and you move on. Whatever winds up being best for you, I wish you that, and I wish you happiness.

[profpromise]

nice concept