Unable to take the first step anymore

[Arkaro]

I have put myself into anti-flirt mode for the past 4-5 years. I kill interest in me before a word is ever spoken by refusing to give eye contact and almost ignoring flirtatious gestures.

Why? I don't know exactly.. but I can spill out a few things that come to mind. All summed up, I look at myself and I can't imagine how anyone, once they really get to know me, would ever remain attracted to me.

I'm not an ugly guy. I'm a few pounds overweight, but I hide it very well as it's balanced all over my body. I don't even have love handles. I'm also much stronger than I look. I'm very flexible with sure footing and a quick step. I've also never had a problem performing in bed. The only complaint I've ever gotten is that I last too long. Girls seem to get very upset if the guy outperforms them.. it's supposed to be the other way around, right?

That leads me to my first problem. I have been in many relationships where they couldn't stand to be around me, but loved to get me in bed. Consequetially, I now always try to stay away from sex as long as possible.. so that a girl will be attracted to me first. However.. that forces me to seem very bland and removes my ability to be sexy in normal conversations in fear of things moving too fast.

My real problem lies in my personality. I'm a perfectionist mainly due to the fact that I'm a classical musician and that just comes along with the territory. Most people never realize that my critical analysis is only directed toward myself. I always look for the good in others. I'm tolerant, easy going, and very patient once you get to know me. However.. as I'm also an educator, I always tend to try to help everyone become better which is another downfall and sorta seems to contradict my other qualities.

Another problem is that I'm not your typical guy. I love fine wines, classical music, sensible conversation, etc. I'm not a sports fan, but I'll tolerate it.. which isn't enough for some girls. I also try to give girls the utmost respect. But girls that are used to being treated like pieces of meat, oogled, and chased find me rather boring.

I have lots of other quirks.. I've always dated college freshmen but now I have a personal rule against that, especially since they're so volatile. You come to college to party and have fun right? No point in settling down as soon as you start college. I don't care for beauty queens. I also can't stand ghetto attitudes. That only leaves plain jane nice girls.. but the next subject typically rules them out as well.

Religion is a huge problem that knocks out 80% of the population. I was raised by a daughter of a Jehovah's Witness, which means she didn't go to church but she loved to preach anyway. Being the fairly intelligent kid, I saw the holes in many of her speeches, learned to distrust christianity, and dismiss it entirely. The fact that she kept condemning me to Hell wasn't very helpful either.

I've always been intrigued with religion and love to study all the differences and similarities. I feel that religion has much to teach us, but I don't believe any of them really have it right. I mean, who can truly believe in a god that is so childishly pathetic to grant freewill to human beings and then to send them to a pit of hell if they don't do everything you expect them to do? Surely there's a better answer. Anywho.. most girls, even wild party girls, don't want to date a guy once they are certain he's going to hell. So that brings me to my current situation.

I talk to girls.. without flirting.. they're still interested until they either see my perfectionist side, my boring classy side, or my religious beliefs. If they decide to forgo all that and just get me into bed, I resist. If they get me that far, I eventually have to break up with them anyway because they constantly beg me for sex and then get up and go home afterward so they don't have to deal with me.

I'm 99% certain that I'm going to die alone.. which is a shame. When asked what we wanted to do when we grew up, everyone else in my 2nd grade class picked careers like fireman, astronaut, policeman, etc. Everyone laughed when I said I didn't care what I did, I just wanted to be a father and have a family. 20 years have passed and nothing has changed. It's a shame I turned out the way I did. I should have wanted to become a porn star and all would be right in the world.

[Arkaro]

Hrmm, that was a very long post.. sorry about that. Believe me, there was much much more I wanted to say. That's just the very core of my problem. Btw, I forgot to mention how my situation is completely ruining my career. I can't seem to stay focused on my current responsibilities. My ego and sense of purpose is shot. Someone, please help me with this.

[lilwing89]

hello arkaro, you are lucky because i have recently stopped visiting this forum as much as i have in the past but i decided to get on today

and to be honest i didnt read all of your post but out of what i did read, i would recommend you see a psychologist about your problems. seeing a psychologist does not make you psycho or anything and you can keep it confidential if you wish.

its the best thing you can do for yourself after you realize and admit there is something wrong.

by the way i am not a psychologist, but if i was i would be glad to help you out, but i insist you seek professional help than rely on the advice of some 16 year old guy or rather somebody on here. you might be lucky to get some decent advice from someone but most likely not..

i hope you decide to do something about all this! i know a psychologist could point you in the right direction!

[Arkaro]

to be honest i didnt read all of your post

Gee.. thanks for trying!

I've talked to psychiatrists before, although not about this issue. They ask you to talk about your past.. try to figure out what made you turn out a certain way. And then they try to convince you that there's nothing wrong with who you are. Lots of time and money wasted. I already know why my life is screwed up. I know a few of the problems, but most of them are so deeply rooted that I can't change them on my own. And how can you tell me there's nothing wrong when I'm getting results that suggest otherwise?

Ya know.. I don't expect you all to be able to solve my problems, but I just hoped someone out there would have a word or two of encouragement. Or hell, a few words of certain damnation would even be a bit of consolation.

I'm hanging off the end of my tether right now and you're basically kicking the ball out of my hands by just sidestepping the issue like that.

[Rosebud]

OK Ark, I don't know if I will be able to help a lot but I can try. As far as I can see there is nothing truly wrong with you as you would put it. You like things that others may not and you have high expectations which you should. You were brought up a certain way and that's who you are. I don't know if there's anything in particular you are wanting to work on specifically so I'm keeping this general. Life can take all kinds of different directions. If things are meant to be they will be.

There's nothing wrong with staying away from sex but if it's becasue you don't want to get close to someone than your setting yourself up for failure. Your stopping yourself from experiencing happiness. And don't think that party girls or nice girls only look for one thing, there are girls out there that have interests in all the areas you have discussed but it's a matter of finding them and how you find them.

[Arkaro]

Thanks for replying, Rosebud. I'd like to rebutt with the questions lingering in the back of my mind. Please don't take it as an argument against your help.

Life can take all kinds of different directions. If things are meant to be they will be.

What if I'm meant to be alone? Lots of people live their entire lives never finding anyone to accept them. What's the point in going on in a living hell like that?

there are girls out there that have interests in all the areas you have discussed but it's a matter of finding them and how you find them.

Any ideas on where I can go to meet girls that are good because of all the right reasons and not just because it says so in the bible?

I once had a friend ask me if there was any way I'd "convert" to a religion in order to keep my wife from social repercussions. While I believe that using religion for personal gain (to get girls) is likely an unwritten sin, I don't see anything wrong with converting in order to protect the honor of the woman I love. Only problem is actually getting to that stage of the game.

I appreciate your comments on sex.. that is an issue I could just lighten up on and hope for the best. Part of the flirtation issue is my lack of self-esteem and the assumption that all relationships will eventually fail. I always assume too much.

Anyone else have any words of advice for me?

[Lloyd95]

Hey! I didn't read a word of what you wrote, but do you know Tone? He's from Lincoln NE? Wow, two people from NE, never thought I'd see it.

[Arkaro]

Hey! I didn't read a word of what you wrote, but do you know Tone? He's from Lincoln NE? Wow, two people from NE, never thought I'd see it.

Yeah, I noticed that as I was perusing the other threads looking for anyone with similar issues to my own. Hey Tone, we should go have a beer and talk about relationships.

[Lloyd95]

Hey Tone, we should go have a beer and talk about relationships.

Ugh, just when I thought you might be cool (well Tone is and he's the only person I ever knew from NE), you have to go and say something like "Let's talk about relationships"?

What are you, gay? (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

[Only-virgins]

i would recommend you see a psychologist about your problems.

ROFLCOPTER!

[Arkaro]

Ugh, just when I thought you might be cool (well Tone is and he's the only person I ever knew from NE), you have to go and say something like "Let's talk about relationships"?

What are you, gay? (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

lol.. well, figured we'd talk about something he's used to talking about. Heck, having a casual conversation about girls might just help me get over my current issues and boost my self-esteem. Geez, trying to make friends here and you've gotta go pull the miscommunication card!

[NeoSeminole]

ha ha, I'm the same as you except I am good looking. I don't flirt with girls b/c I feel stupid when I play by "their rules." I just act like myself and go from there. Don't bother mentioning you enjoy fine wines, classical music, and good conversation. Girls don't care about those attributes. Ask a girl what she likes in a guy and she will most likely tell you confidence, a sense of humor, and outgoing. You don't seem to be exuding any of these qualities.

If you want to feel better about yourself, you need to stop worrying about girls so much. I find that most of them are immature bitches anyway. Pick a hobby or sport that interests you. Keep working on improving yourself. This will help take your mind off girls. Eventually, you will build up confidence the better you become at different things.

[Only-virgins]

I dont give a shiet attitude > confidence

[Junsui]

There are women out there who don't follow any religion either. Not every girl is the same, just like not every guy is the same. Just find someone who shares your interests. Since you're so negative about relationships and certain they are going to all fail and you will end up alone, most likely that will happen. I don't understand why a psychologist would explore your past and then tell you there is nothing wrong with you and that's it. Usually if you are having problems in certain areas of your life and you don't know how to fix/change it, they will help you with that. Not saying you're crazy or anything, but when I read your post it made me think of American Psycho.

[Lloyd95]

Geez, trying to make friends here and you've gotta go pull the miscommunication card!

Want a friend? Buy a dog. Want the truth, come to LF.c