Confused about a girl I'm dating

[luyana]

Hi all,

I've been dating this girl and she's really confusing me and it's getting to me. I've already bothered all my friends and colleagues at work and overall they tell me to just give it some time and that it's very probable that she likes me, but is a busy person. Still, I need some more, I don't know, advice I guess. I'm a girl as well btw.
Sorry for the wall of text, I probably just need to get it out of my system. I know I'm giving a lot of information about her way of interacting and what we say to each other but that's just to give you guys a sense of what kind of person she is and the things she tells me because I'm clueless. I have autism and am pretty bad at reading signals.

So we met through tinder and we really hit it off right away. She messaged me like the second after we matched and then after some chatting I asked her to meet up so we set a date exactly a week later. Before the date we messaged once in a while via Tinder but not very often, like once a day or sometimes nothing.

The date itself went really well, we have a lot of common interests so lots to talk about. There were some silences, but nothing too bad. She told me her social life was non-existent at the moment due to school and that she had cancelled on someone else that week so I guess that was a pretty positive sign that she really liked me and wanted to spend time with me. We said our goodbyes, she kissed me on the cheek and then 15 minutes after we had said goodbye, she texted me that she had a really nice time and was happy to finally get to relax after stressing so much about school. I had given her my phone number via tinder the day before, but she hadn't texted me yet so I thought this was a good sign as well. If she just wanted to be friendly, she could've said this via tinder but this way I had her phone number as well.
I asked and we set up a date for the week after. Again, some texting in between the 2 dates but not a lot, sometimes like 72 hours in between her texts. Note, I like texting her and would like to more often but she's really slow in responding so I don't push it and just leave her alone although it's really hard for me. I try to stick to the rule that I only text when I have received a text from her.

The second date went great as well, we talked for hours and really clicked. She talked about her family and friends, showed me their pictures etc. We said goodbye and again, kiss on the cheek while I put my hand around her waist. Afterwards I texted her and asked if she could mee up again next week but she said she was pretty busy and couldn't say yet and she'd let me know. In the meanwhile, I added her on facebook (she accepted it almost right away) and from then on we mostly communicated through messenger. This was hell for me because I would often see her as "online x minutes ago" but I almost never got a message from her in that time. This has been the case ever since I've had her facebook. I do think she's mostly just online for like 5 minutes and then off again, but still, it freaks me out.
A couple of days later I was tired of waiting so checked with her if she already knew if she could meet up and she told me she had to be in my neighborhood because she was meeting up with friends and that she could come earlier so we could meet up. That was ok for me obviously so we had ourselves a third date, huuray.

Nothing had happened on first and second date, I think mostly because we're both pretty shy and insecure, but now I really wanted to kiss her so on our the third date we went to sit on a bench near the water. I put my hand not really around her but on the bench behind her and she leaned on it bit. She didn't move closer however, although we were sitting pretty close together already as our legs were practically touching beneath the blanket I had brought. She also touched my leg with her hand for a short while while talking and laughed and smiled a lot. But none of this made me feel as if I could kiss her, so I didn't make a move. When we were walking back to the station for her to catch her train, I thought "do something, you have nothing to lose" so I grabbed her hand while walking and asked her if that was okay. She said yes very shyly and then stroked my hand with her thumb for a bit. We didn't kiss goodbye because she had to run for her train as we were barely on time. I didn't hear from her that night again, but she was meeting up with friends so I assumed she was busy and tried not to mind that she didn't text or message me.

We did chat a bit in the days afterwards and I complimented her on her look and told her that she really looked amazing on our lastdate (she wore a nice skirt, heels and fishnet stockings). I didn't refer to the skirt or anything, but she presumed I was talking about that and told me "I'll wear skirts more often then ;p".
That was really great to hear, but sometimes I'm wondering if she wore those things for me, or perhaps for the friends she was meeting up later etc etc. She doesn't seem to be a person who wears these things all the time, though.

Then she had to start studying for her exams so she had even less time. We managed to schedule something but a couple of days before the date she said she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it but she was hoping she could because otherwise she'd miss me for too long. She then asked if it was okay if she'd let me know something the evening before. She end up having to cancel anyway, but I still thought it was a good sign that she was really trying.
I then asked her if she wanted to set up a date for after her exams and she immediately said ok and suggested the evening of her last exam. Again, very good sign I think and for me it was ok, so we had ourselves another date scheduled, like 4 weeks after our third one.
I also told her that I was meeting up with friends in the city she lived in, so I could drop by if she wanted. She said ok but we didn't talk about specifics. In those 2 weeks before I saw her again, she hardly ever texted. We chatted two times for a longer while but she also did not contact me for about 3 days. We did flirt a bit over text and she told me she was really looking forward to our date after her exam, so that seemed positive to me. I don't think she'd say that if she didn't mean it.

So then 2 days before I was going over there, I asked what time was ok for her and asked her address. She didn't really respond to the question and told me she was really busy and had a lot of work. I asked her if that was her way of saying that I couldn't come over but she said that coming over was definitely ok, just not for too long. I then had to ask for her address again for like 3-4 times before she answered. She always seemed to text about other stuff or respond to my other questions.
So we met up, I had brought a rose for her which she thought was really nice of me but she just put it away somewhere once we were in her room (she lives in a dormitory). I had already assumed that she wasn't a flower girl, but did want to take the risk. It she didn't like flowers, she'd appreciate the gesture anyways, which in the end she did.
So we sat on her bed, talked a bit and she was saying that on our next date we could watch a movie at her place and she was calculating the time her exam would be over, I'm guessing so I could come over asap. I also finally had the guts to kiss her and it was really special. She kissed me very tenderly, a bit shyly and it was really nice. We didn't make out or anything, didn't use tongue, we just gently kissed. Then we talked a bit, kissed some more and then when we said our goodbyes we kissed again. I told her that I could come over in the evening again if she wanted and she said maybe and that it would depend on how much work she still had left.
Then about 2 hours later she texted me that I wouldn't be able to come over in the evening because a classmate had asked her some questions about their exam and s/he was coming over. She told me she thought it was a real shame, but that her classmates always ask her these things last minute. She's the smart one in class ^^ She then asked me how it was going with my friends, I responded it was a real shame because I really wanted to see her again. I then didn't hear from her again for the next 1-2 days.

Our next date was then scheduled for two weeks later and again, she hardly ever texted. I was hoping she'd send me something after her first exam to tell me how it went but she never really did. I just left her alone a bit so she could study and on the days of her exams, I texted her good luck and she really liked that. She had a lot of stress for her exams and sometimes she would message me about how much she was stressing out, so I would try to calm her and message her something sweet and reassuring. She usually didn't reply right away but like a couple of hours later or even the next day and usually said that what I had said was really nice etc. and then sometimes used the kissy emoji with the hearts.
In that period, I told her once in a while that I kind of missed her and that I was really looking forward to seeing her again, but she never replied to any of that. She just talked about other stuff when she responded. I think it was the stress of her exams?
She also got ill during her exam period and had to skip one. She just told me afterwards when I asked her how that exam went and she just sent "Docter told me I couldn't go because I'm ill". I was a bit taken aback, just because I'm really interested in her and want to know how she's doing etc, but she hardly shares any of that.
So 2 days before our scheduled date, on the day of her last exam, I asked her what time we were actually meeting up and then like 7 hours later she told me it was going to be a tough one because she was still ill and very exhausted from her exam period and the illness and just wanted to sleep after her exam. So yeah, another date cancelled but this time she didn't say that she thought it was a shame or that she really wanted to see me or whatever. I understood that she wasn't able to meet up, but still, it sucked as I was really looking forward to it.
I then asked her if she could meet up a couple of days later, in the weekend (this weekend) and she said she couldn't really say, which made sense because she can't predict how she would feel ofcourse... Still, this made me feel really bad and uncertain.

I was hoping she'd be chattier now that she has some days off and with all the stress of school and exams gone, but nope, again like 1-2 days go by without a text or message. And then yesterday morning we were chatting for like 5 minutes and then she told me she was going on a trip with her parents for 3 days. I was taken aback again and like "What, you can't meet up with me and now suddenly you're going on holiday?". I didn't tell her that of course, and I know that I was overreacting but it did suck. She has a good connection with her parents and they probably just surprised her. And I mean, who wouldn't say no... It's completely normal that she's going on this holiday.
Anyways, I then asked her if she wanted to meet up next week on Wednesday and/or Saturday, very concretely and she responded like 24 hours later (= today) "Oh, those are really bad days for me". That's it, no alternative days or anything. I replied and asked her what days would be okay for her but haven't gotten a response since, which is probably normal as she is skiing over there.


As I am writing this I get the feeling I'm completely overreacting and that she's definitely into me, but still I have this nagging thought in my head about the following things:

- She hardly ever messages me, even though I regularly see her as "online x minutes ago" on messenger. I don't see her as active very often, so I do think that she's usually online for like 5 minutes or something and then offline again. It's not that she's on messenger the whole day chatting away or something.

- She never asks for a date herself and doesn't put in that much effort to find a suitable time (or at least it seems like it), but usually does want to meet up. I think she's probably just a chaotic person and doesn't really plan a lot in advance.

I think these two things are perfectly explainable. but I can't convince myself and they keep popping up in my head and make me doubt everything. If I just follow my guts, I'd say she's into me and I just have to give her some time and space, but I'm prone to over analysing (yay autism and OCD) and have a lot of insecurities from my past. The first 2 dates for example I was constantly afraid of being put up or be"ghosted".

Anyways, thanks for reading. If you have any advice or thoughts, please respond! Even if it's negative, I don't mind! I just want to hear people's honest opinions.

[bunnyhabit]

she probably is cozy with other people perhaps a boyfriend or girlfriend. you should let her take the lead sometimes. i would rate you as a nag if i was her. you should play a little bit "hard to get" to test her feeling for you. have you ever asked her if she was dating anyone else?

i think you are pushing her too hard so she is avoiding the constant pressure from you. cool off for a while and let her breathe. if she likes you she will come after you. you should question openly her feelings for you and indicate how you want your future to unfold with her.

[luyana]

she probably is cozy with other people perhaps a boyfriend or girlfriend. you should let her take the lead sometimes. i would rate you as a nag if i was her. you should play a little bit "hard to get" to test her feeling for you. have you ever asked her if she was dating anyone else?

i think you are pushing her too hard so she is avoiding the constant pressure from you. cool off for a while and let her breathe. if she likes you she will come after you. you should question openly her feelings for you and indicate how you want your future to unfold with her.

I don't think she's seeing other people, she doesn't strike me as the type that would kiss random people or date multiple people at the same time. But then again, who knows... I haven't asked her yet, I was planning to next time I saw her because I want to avoid asking these kind of things over text.

Isn't openly questioning her feelings for me and letting her cool off for a while a contradiction? I've not literally expressed my feelings for her but I have indicated that I really like her multiple times. I once told her that I'd really like to be with her, to which she replied that she would like to be with me too. She did mention that her last relationship broke off because she spent too much time on school work. She wants to change that and make more time for people she really liked, and then mentioned that I was one of those.

I would love to tell her I'm crazy about her, but I'm scared that'll push her away. I really try not to be a nag and I never text her more than once. If she doesn't reply, I just wait until she does but then I usually respond pretty fast, because my phone is always near me or I'm on facebook anyways.

It's just hard to find the right balance between showing interest and coming on too strong...

[bunnyhabit]

you should question her feelings after you let her cool off for awhile and she initiates the conversation.

. "She wants to change that and make more time for people she really liked, and then mentioned that I was one of those." is a strong indicator she wants relationships with other people not exclusively you.

it seems from your comments you are really pushing her and she is coming up with excuses to avoid you. this is reason i suggest you back off a little and let her take the lead.

love is never easy i think you should see other people as she wants to do, this will certainly challenge her feelings for you

[Hooo!]

I am tired of running after you.
I find you intriguing but this whole begging for dates thing is not really my thing. So: do you want to meet up again?

When?

[AnErin]

Well, I know this is not what you want to hear but this woman is transgender.
Yes, she used to have male parts. That is okay though. No one else has to know.

If she starts doing things like working on the car or watching football, you know it is a transgender you are dating.