I don't know how to Feel.

[whaywardj]

I feel you. We can take it up some other time. Just let me leave it at this for now: Believe me when I say you're biting off more at one time than you can properly chew to resolution. Break things down into smaller bites.

[shh!]

If he is genuinely a good father, then I would eat quite a lot of crap before I would get rid of him. I guess I just consider spending TIME with the family to be a necessary condition for good parenting, and you have given us the impression that he isn't around much and prefers to spend his small amount of free time playing.

[Rosebud]

Yes and no. Why do you PERSIST in not listening? ONE STEP AT A TIME. STOP the music in your head. QUIT constructing outcomes for a few minutes.

All you know right now FOR SURE -- or so you say -- is that your daughter is your foremost priority. Given that, what comes next?

Does it really sound like my daughter isn't my first priority?? If that has happened I need to change something really quick. And sorry for going so fast. I have so much to say..

My second Priority in all this would be... ugh.. let me think.

[Rosebud]

No hayward you don't have to go anywhere this is a perfect time. I need all this to clear my mind and your helping very much. I have to start somewhere and that's what I need. PLease stay!

Shh, I agree time is very important. Before he had this new job all his time was devoted to her. He had weekends off and then some and he would let me go out and he would take her all the time. He just started this job on the 18th, so it's new to us. The problems are not, but my fault for waiting till now to bring them up. They have been going on for awhile and me being the analytical type have spent months tryingt o figure this out in my own head before I said anything. Does that make more sense??

[Rosebud]

OK Hayward, i know you said to start with my daughter being a rudder for all other situations. I have that mind set. So in thinking this way, what small bites do I start with?

[indigosoul]

Indigo, I'm sorry.. I'm trying to listen to all this and I may be misunderstanding what you guys are saying. I thank you very much though this is really helping me right now. So ok, let me re-read what you wrote before so I can think about it better.

Its OK Rosebud, the things I told you took me a long time to figure out. Years in fact. I guess, basically I'm agreeing w/Hayward (small steps). Just make sure those steps are facing forward, not looking back.

[Tone]

Uh...I hear alarms going off. Let's see: You've expressed your discontent and concerns to him over the last weeks, and when has a chance to take responsibility for contributing to them or their solutions, he goes hunting with buddies, leaving you to take care of your child AND your discontent all alone?

Is it just me, or is there something very off about this picture? Like: He's Just Not Into You (anymore)? Or his kid, either, evidently. Oh! But YOU'RE taking care of the kid. He doesn't HAVE to be there!

It sucks, Rosebud. Draw the line right about here. Otherwise, you may later find yourself chasing after somone who's walking away, one small step at a time, quietly, so you'd never notice he was leaving until he was already gone.

This thread has just made me angry. I LOATH guys who are so ****ing full of their own cum they can't see when a woman is trying her best to please them. Much less appreciate her. PISSES me off to no ****ing end.

I agree with both of these posts, as well as what the majority of people are saying here...

[Rosebud]

OK so you guys may yell at me for this, and to be honest I don't know why I'm so frickin nice, and I even had a therapist tell me that my personality is to put others before myself (can't remember the exact term) as she was very right I guess.

Ok so Last night I told him I told him I know how importnat this hunting thing is to him and I'm ok with him going as long as he sets specific time aside for his family. I told him there is a lot of things I would like all of us to work on, but we have to have the time to be able to do it. He was curious about what it was but I could tell he wasn't in the deep conversation mode. So i told him him and I needed to resetablish some ground rules, and that I have a lot of things on my mind. He told me we could talk about all these things this weekend when were more awake so that we could deviate more time and energy to conversation without distarctions. He said he does want to talk and that he has stuff on his mind as well. Now I know he avoided it last night but I'm not going to let him to that again and I think that was a good start.

The part that you guys are going to yell at me are as follows:

This morning he got up all excited because I told him a couple months back he could buy this rifle that he wanted as long as other things were taken care of, and he was all set to buy it today. He knew I was a little hesitant but since I had promised ti I would follow through, so anyways he leaves and goes to the store and about 15 minutes later he calls em and tells me they can't sell it to him becasue he never changed his address on his driver's license. So he got mad and tried to find a secretary of state around to fix this, well they were all closed and after 30 minutes of trying to find one that was open he got all bummed out and came home. When he came home he was so down he wouldn't even really looked at me. I told him not to worry and that we could still get the gun it would just not be as easy as he had thought. He said it's "It's just typical, nothing ever goes good for me" He was looking forward to being able to get the gun and then fix it all up tomorrow if he had the day off. Then he got all depressed about not having time off and how it sucks so bad and it put him in an ever worse mood. I couldn't say anything to cheer him up, no matter what I said it didn't work. He told me he wasn't going to get the gun because there was no point and that he was just not even going to worry about it. So he got ready and went to work and we talked for a little bit and slowly he was getting into a better modd but still down.

So what do I do?? I go up to the store and buy him the gun! I brought it home and put in our bedroom still in the box right by the door so he'll see it when he comes home. Now I know this is going to make his day, becasue he just called a little bit ago and said the night shift didn't do what they were told, so everyone is working tomorrow becasue of it. So I know this is going to cheer him up, and I know you guys are going to be disappointed in me becasue I'm only condonign him going hunting but I love doing nice things. And I know he's having a really ahrd time right now with his emotions as well. So maybe this will help him and realize some more things about me.

[Asip4u]

The part about being too nice, i've noticed it long ago Rb. If you give in to everything, there will come many points in your life when you won't be able to give him or your kids what they want, it will cause you to go nuts. It's better that you start thinking about those things now. Even though this gun will make him happy, don't go trying to fix everything. Realize that not everything will go your/his way and those things that you can live without, better to stay away from. I'm much the same way trying to make everything just right but i've realized long ago that it's not possible and you have to deal with it and not worry so much. Hopefully you'll get better with it.

[independent]

I'm not going to yell at you, Rosebud... because I am like you. I am very giving (to the point of attracting "takers"). Maybe it's the gemini thing *smile*.

Anyway, I thought it was an incredibly nice gesture. And I do think that you are sending him a very big message... about who you are, about how much you care about him... and about the way you expect to be treated too.

He may or may not get all of that. But perhaps he will. This is a big deal to him. This is something he feels very deeply about. And you made the effort to go an extra mile for him.

Your own feelings lately are not so "obvious". It's not about a physical thing like hunting season or a new gun. It's about feelings and thoughts and concepts - and all of that other invisible stuff floating around.

It's not tangible, so he cant "fix it". (as easily)

While he's gone, put some thought into what it *would* take. How he *could* fix it. Specifically. And be prepared to talk in terms he can understand (solutions) so that when you share your deepest feelings and concerns with him... he can see what is expected of him, or what his part is in the "fix".

And you might say... "you doing xyz for me is like my going out to get the gun for you. It's something you do for your partner because you care enough to make sure they are happy and fulfilled in life"


Good luck Rose. I hope that made sense...

[Rosebud]

I agree Asip, And thank you for your kind words. I have always delat with being too nice.. it kinda lets people walk all over me. even though I say i can handle things on my own, I know a lot of the time I can't. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time with all this stuff, I try to fix things myself but this has been really hard for me to do, which in turn is why I feel I also feel very vulnerable right now.

With this gun thing idf it was something I wanted and I had a hard time getting it like he did I would have said ok it's not meant to be obviously and that's that but becasue he doesn't look at things that way I always feel compelled to go out of my way to rectify the situation. Which is also something I have to work on... Damn, lol I am more messed up that I thought..LOL

[Rosebud]

I'm not going to yell at you, Rosebud... because I am like you. I am very giving (to the point of attracting "takers"). Maybe it's the gemini thing *smile*.

Anyway, I thought it was an incredibly nice gesture. And I do think that you are sending him a very big message... about who you are, about how much you care about him... and about the way you expect to be treated too.

He may or may not get all of that. But perhaps he will. This is a big deal to him. This is something he feels very deeply about. And you made the effort to go an extra mile for him.

Your own feelings lately are not so "obvious". It's not about a physical thing like hunting season or a new gun. It's about feelings and thoughts and concepts - and all of that other invisible stuff floating around.

It's not tangible, so he cant "fix it". (as easily)

While he's gone, put some thought into what it *would* take. How he *could* fix it. Specifically. And be prepared to talk in terms he can understand (solutions) so that when you share your deepest feelings and concerns with him... he can see what is expected of him, or what his part is in the "fix".

And you might say... "you doing xyz for me is like my going out to get the gun for you. It's something you do for your partner because you care enough to make sure they are happy and fulfilled in life"


Good luck Rose. I hope that made sense...

It did entirely Independent. And I think I'm actually going to ahve to write down all the things that are on my mind and write down solutions to them if I know them of course. But just to get all this mumbo jumbo out of my head and onto papaer so it can be a little more organized. PLus I think I'm going to re read some of the posts in this thread and use those tools as well, maybe that will help me a little. Thank you!

[independent]

I call that a "brain dump" Works wonders for me!!

The more I read from you, the more I am realizing we are very much alike. I struggle with the same issues...

[Rosebud]

yeah It surprised me too....LOL, I could tell that from all your posts even before you knew much about me

And I like that...Brain dump! haha

[gHEXjt]

There's nothing wrong with what you did this morning Rosebud. Even though you're having some troubles right now, you love him and what you did today was extremely nice and will make his day. At least in my mind, there's never anything wrong with doing things for the people you love.