I don't know how to Feel.

[Rosebud]

Rosebud, REINFORCE this behaviour. Immediately. Take the note, in hand, and tell him how much it means to you that he does these things. Preferably w/something physical to go along with the words. Trust me on this.

Men whose women are unhappy CAN change, and often WANT to change, but don't know how or what they are supposed to be doing. A good (male) friend of mine once told me that men are basically like trainable puppies...and they WANT to be trained! Not all, perhaps, but the ones that care. So, train him (nicely) to do the things that you like. Its really that simple.

Guys, feel free to comment on this one, but in my experience, a guys LOVES a girl who will tell him what makes her happy.

I truly believe this as well. I have a small child and I use positive reinforcement all the time..actually I think it didn't start with her.. I found it earlier that when you do this it makes everyone happy. Nad trust I will do this when he comes home. I live that way, if something is done for me I give True thanks for it and make sure they know what they did is very much appreciated. And I know I have done that in the past with him when he has done something very nice and it lasted for awhile and then just disappeared. But I now know why that happened as well

Independent, I'm sorry to hear that your ex-husband did that. I wouldn't say give up on that stuff though in the future, it's reversed psychology and it does work as long as the intentions are truly good. I'm glad your not in that sitaution anymore though...

[whaywardj]

VERY fine exchange, ladies. Very fine. Lot's of good stuff for everyone in these recent posts. Made me happy for all of you.

::*sigh* now where DID i put that box of Kleenex...*sniffle*::

[Rosebud]

Awww, Why the sniffle Hayward!

[whaywardj]

Well, silly, because I'm happy for you.

[Rosebud]

LOL, Well thank you but this is far from over. Now I have to figure out aside from positive reinforcement, and figuirng out what needs to be "fixed", how the hell to go about doing all this and where to start.....

[whaywardj]

Appears you've got a very good place to sort things through with the women here.

[Rosebud]

I would agree. Everyone has been so helpful!!!

[independent]

Independent, I'm sorry to hear that your ex-husband did that. I wouldn't say give up on that stuff though in the future, it's reversed psychology and it does work as long as the intentions are truly good. I'm glad your not in that sitaution anymore though...

You and me both, LOL

Ironically, it was him that left me in the end. He said to me that he felt I deserved better, and that he was holding me back in life. That was hard to accept at the time, of course.

Anyway... all this talk has been really good for me - giving me some positive things to think on, and helping me realize why I am where I am (today) and what I really want.

So how's it coming with the "brain dump", Rosebud?

[Rosebud]

Eh, it's coming but I don't get very far. Ya know, I go through the usual things and then I get stumped. I mean I wrote down the things I feel he does that I don't like and would like to fix but that's not fair, I have to do the same for myself. But without him telling me what he doesn't like that I do that's hard. And grnated I'm not tryingt o change him by what said above I'm trying to improve the quality of our relationship (just in case that misinterpreted).

I mean, I know I'm going to give him positive reinforcement when he does things like he did today and that will improve the being taken for granted part (somewhat), and I'm going to do things fro myself more often like putting make-up on again and making myself look as how I feel (Confident), and that in turn should make him feel better as well as I know he will take it as though I'm looking good for him which will make him feel better.

But I'm getting stumped on the things I think we need to change. I mean our relationship is a good one, and the positives do outway the negatives even though they may not look that way. I can write down things I feel are hurtful but I can't find the root of it all. SO as so, I can't find where is a good point to start with.

[independent]

Is this something we can help with??

[Rosebud]

sure! Well let me ask you this, from what I have said about these things on here, and even others you may have noticed without all that. WHat would you say I wokr on about myself? Don't worry about being nice, I have thick skin and I have to realize these things to change them..

[Mish]

There are some chemistry and balance problems in this relationship.

1. As said by Hayward already, since your kid is your single highest responsibillity, all your actions should revolve around her first and yourself second (I think you are on the right track at the moment)

2. Your guy works too much. 7 days a week, 10 hour shifts is way too much time to spend at work for a father. You need to balance this out, even if he works 5 days and you work 2 days, those 2 days off he can take care of the baby and find out what it's like.

3. Because he works too much he needs fixes that bring him personal happiness outside of work and outside of responsibillities (Such as Hunting) - It shouldn't be this way, his family should be his fix. You will need to find a way of establishing that.

4. You mentioned he compliments your body and not your soul, that's because this is the part of yourself you encourage him to compliment (Reffering back to my earlier posts on finding a deep emotional and spiritual connection with him so he values you on higher levels)

My 2 Cs

[Rosebud]

My child is my first priority, becasue I'm not posting about her in here does not make it as though she is not my priority. I'm expressing how I feel about things he does and says to me. I don't see how you can say she is not that high on my list. And to be frank I'm a little disheartened you said ( even knowing it wasn't said to hurt me). Yes I am young, yes I have never gone through this before, btu I'll tell you what I think I do a damn good job at being a mother and making my daughter my priority. Everything I have done has been focused around her, whether it be it to staying at home with her to focus entirely on her and build that bond instead fo working, or it be to leave the relationship I have with the man I love (her father) because she needs more. Those are just examples of how high I hold her. Every decision I make in my life revolves around her. And it has since I got pregnant. I may come on here looking for advice about my relationship, but with that in mind I'm tryingt o make this relationship better for her as well. Whatever happens between him and I affects her as well!!!!!

Yes he works too much, He just started his new job and that is not his fault, he is lookign for another job becasue of this. He doesn't like this schedule but he can't do anything about it. How can we balance this out? It's not negotiable, it's something it just is. They didn't tell him he would be working 7 days a week when he got hired he was told 5 days. And yes I can go back to work, and yeah he could watch her while I do but that's not an option we have at the moment.

When he had time off ( at the other job he had) he would those days with us, he would watch our daughter and let me go out, or he would go shopping with us or whatever. He loves to do spend time with us, he doesn't go out to see his freinds at all. The last time he did that was probably about 3 months ago and the only reason was becasue we couldn't find a babysitter so i stayed at home and TOLD him to go out since he doesn't do it much at all. His preferences are to be at home with us.

[Mish]

My child is my first priority, becasue I'm not posting about her in here does not make it as though she is not my priority. I'm expressing how I feel about things he does and says to me. I don't see how you can say she is not that high on my list. And to be frank I'm a little disheartened you said ( even knowing it wasn't said to hurt me). Yes I am young, yes I have never gone through this before, btu I'll tell you what I think I do a damn good job at being a mother and making my daughter my priority. Everything I have done has been focused around her, whether it be it to staying at home with her to focus entirely on her and build that bond instead fo working, or it be to leave the relationship I have with the man I love (her father) because she needs more. Those are just examples of how high I hold her. Every decision I make in my life revolves around her. And it has since I got pregnant. I may come on here looking for advice about my relationship, but with that in mind I'm tryingt o make this relationship better for her as well. Whatever happens between him and I affects her as well!!!!!

Yes he works too much, He just started his new job and that is not his fault, he is lookign for another job becasue of this. He doesn't like this schedule but he can't do anything about it. How can we balance this out? It's not negotiable, it's something it just is. They didn't tell him he would be working 7 days a week when he got hired he was told 5 days. And yes I can go back to work, and yeah he could watch her while I do but that's not an option we have at the moment.

When he had time off ( at the other job he had) he would those days with us, he would watch our daughter and let me go out, or he would go shopping with us or whatever. He loves to do spend time with us, he doesn't go out to see his freinds at all. The last time he did that was probably about 3 months ago and the only reason was becasue we couldn't find a babysitter so i stayed at home and TOLD him to go out since he doesn't do it much at all. His preferences are to be at home with us.

Rosie, don't get upset. The first point i made wasn't a negative, just a reminder - (I think you are on the right track at the moment) -

Someone from his workplace telling him that he can only work 7 days a week and not 5 days a week is just an externality. "He can't do anything about it" is not true, there are tonnes of things he can do. Let's just say this, when I was treated unfairly at work last year, I went out there and found another job with better pay, conditions and opportunties. I then went up to my ex boss and told him that I want a set of conditions to be improved permanently and for them to be written in my contract. When he refused to do so, I left for the better job. I was living with my ex at the time and even though we didn't have a child together the money was very scarce (but it wasn't Mission Impossible).

I'm just raising the fact that him working this much and spending this much time away from his family is very unhealthy for your relationship. And maybe if he didn't work this much then spending time with his family would be his fix, due to the fact of him actually loving to spend time with his family (As you mentioned above)

[Rosebud]

Of course is it Mish, And no I disagree with you on this job thing. He just got this job ont he 18th. This place has been working 7 days for 8 months even though they don't have to. He is in the automotive industry. And I think I mentioned previously that I have been sending his resume out. Now what else can he do aboutt hat if he's not getting the calls for another job. He hasn't been there long enough to prove his worthiness so he can't give his boss an ultimatum. The only thing he can do at the moment is wait for another opportunity to come up for him. We are financially stable enough for him to just walk away from this as much as he wants to. And I agree if he wasn't on 7 days spending time with our daughter and myself would not be a problem. But right now we ahve to work around his schedule which is what I'm trying to do.

I just got upset about the whole daughter not being my priority thing. I'm ok, I just get a little intense when I feel strongly about something.