I mess it up when I'm in love

[phobt]

Hello everybody. I’m new to the forum and would like to share my story with you. I am studying abroad (left a European country for another one) and this January I decided to approach an “indigenous” girl I had seen in the facebook group chat of my dormitory. After a week she replied back. We had some nice conversations, both sides revealing that we want to get to know each other, and like two weeks later, she invited me to her room for a coffee. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be – she had to cancel. So I tried to bring it up the following days. She was very busy with her studies as well, so we couldn’t find a day. Anyway, I pushed it a bit and even though she agreed, she also suggested that we go out with another girl who had posted (again on fb) that she looks for company. I found it strange, especially since she had invited me at her place alone herself. Long story short, she kind of admitted that didn’t feel comfortable to meet alone, so two things happened:

1) she thought it would be a great idea to invite me to her birthday party one week later
2) BUT I insisted to meet her for a coffee before the party because I would feel weird goin to a party where I knew absolutely no one. Note: The time all this was arranged, she asked me if I was available for coffee NOW, but unfortunately I had some obligations to take care of.

She also told me that she wants to get to know me but only as friends. I asked why she said that – “maybe because you’re in a relationship?”
“yess I am”
I teased her and said sth like “ok no problem at all, we can even go out with him if he feels insecure about it”
“no, it’s fine, I just wanted to make sure”

Later on by the way, the assertion was verified, indeed she had a boyfriend.

It’s Friday, the day I was supposed to meet her before her birthday party (which would take place next Saturday). She cancels again because she said she was rly busy and had some serious problems in her life taking her energy. Translation in my mind: “I don’t know you at all, you might be a terrorist or sth, I will stall you until the party so I meet u in my environment with my friends”

Note that she allowed me to bring friends in order not to feel out of place. Also note that in the out texts, she made the party feel rly special, and would implicitly make me feel that she rly wanted me to go to the party.

Note: the party would be hosted by one of her friends – three way birthday party it would be

One day before the party, she texts me that the host hadn’t realized that her friend had not yet met me in person, so she refused my attendance. The sth extremely unexpected and hopeful happened. The girl said she felt guilty for having to cancel again so she invited me for coffee at the moment. I postponed everything and went there with the birthday present I had bought her.

And that was it. The moment I saw her, I felt… Well you know what I mean (butterflies in the stomach)! I was quite a bit anxious as she was too, but soon enough the awkwardness went away. She was so happy about the present, she couldn’t articulate a word or 30 sec. Anyway, the things that stood out were that we had great chemistry with almost no weird pauses for 1.5 hours, plus she had created a wonderful romantic atmosphere (she didn’t use the default lights of the dormitory), plus I was happy she had not mentioned the boyfriend not even once. I managed to become a bit more intimate, like I touched her laps and arms 2-3 times and also her hands (but that was more “justified”, I was showing finger positions on the guitar). We laughed a lot, we had those lengthy romantic stares – the eyes never lie they say, right? We had a great time and when I left, she insisted that I should go to the party because I was no longer a stranger. Later she texted me that she claimed full responsibility for me and my friend, and that we could finally attend.

Next day we went to the party. Me and my friend were the only foreigners so it felt a bit weird. My girl greeted us warmly, but ofc later on she had to attend to the other guests. At some point I asked a girl where we could find drinks and she said:
“Are you from “X place”?
“Yes, exactly!”
“Oh nice to meet you! I am N’s best friend! She told me about you! She told me you are very nice!”

I was happy to hear that. Later on I saw my girl with her friends staring at me and talking (expected to be honest), and ofc I saw those intimate moments with the boyfriend I would like to avoid but unfortunately couldn’t. She had got drunk, so it wasn’t that much difficult to miss the spectacle……

Anyway party’s over, and over the next few days I tried a lot to meet her again, preferably alone. She would sneakily avoid that every time. These we have some festivities in town – break from studying. So she was about to leave to her home town. I tried to meet, but the best I got was an invitation to dinner with her classmates in her room in the evening. She basically told me that she would call me to visit after they would have eaten. But she never did. Then I tried to ask her to meet the next morning before she left, but she started questioning why I wanted so much to visit her, even though she would only be absent for a week.

And then I said I wanted to see her because she is a person that makes me feel very nice, without the need to filter anything but be myself.

unfortunately, she found that too intimate. I insisted a little bit, but the answer I got the following evening was:

“You know, you are a super nice person! But when you reached out to me for contact, I thought you were just looking for “people” with who you could have fun and not especially me. So, I thought of course; maybe we can drink something sometime and I can introduce you to other people etc. But I didn’t mean for us to meet each other alone every week or something! When I’m not busy with my study I’m happy to spend my time with my boyfriend and other friends.”

So I then I decided to have a lengthy recording and send it to her. Its main points:

1. She is somewhat special to me anyway because I chose to talk to her specifically because of her smile, because I thought she would be optimistic and that’s exactly what I needed as a foreigner. Plus I find her personality way above the average out there. So by definition, I cannot just classify her as a person with whom I would just hang out with – thus she is special
2. I would be totally fine to meet with her bf and friends whenever she wanted, but I would rly like to meet in private once per week. Third parties make it impossible to truly learn the other person.
3. Boyfriend: wasn’t needed as a reference since I had said right from the start I would be okay to meet him. Also made clear, that if I ever developed “other” feelings, she would either accept me or reject me and I would be on my way without causing trouble  thus no need to worry about me getting out of hand
4. Since she avoided so much meeting at her place, I thought it would be ok to clarify that I would not try to escalate into sex. That our meetings would be just like the first one.

And now she told me she wanted to cut off communication, but didn’t want to discuss my points. I tried to get her into conversation, but she didn’t want to at all. Then I collapsed. She tried many times to persuade me to respect her choice. I was sending her voice messages (I was like a wreck) every time as a response, and I managed to convince her to “leave her doors open in case I would like to approach her again one last time over the next few days to try to explain myself and fix all this”. Right now she no longer has me as friend on fb, but left the chat untouched as channel of future communication”

I’m pretty sure I did many mistakes in this story. That’s how I am when I fall in love – this one feels rly bad to be honest, competing with my worst crush ever so far.
What did I do wrong? Is there a chance for a very last moment turnaround in all this? And importantly, is there a chance she likes me too/has feelings for me? If so, I could build on that. My closest friend here says he thinks so. If she indeed deep inside doesn’t want to lose me, but feels guilty to show it because of the boyfriend, I have to know.

Thanks for keeping up with this “novel” and I’m looking forward to your relevant questions/responses.

[pcmaster]

Well you liked her and wanted to meet a lot. She was more reserved and then cut you off. Girl have a boyfriend. What else do you want? If girl have enough friends and have a bf too and you come to her so strong... This is part of relationships - they either get stronger or people drift apart. Its all natural. You liked her more than a friend so it wouldnt be fair to you to continue this knowing that shes already taken. And she didnt need trouble by having some guy runing after her when she already have guy in her life. Perhaps if you didnt liked her so much and wasnt so pushy, it would work for longer. But then again this girl didnt had for you what you wanted, at least she didnt gave you attention and importance you craved. So now that you stopped wasting time with her its time to move on and continue life.
I used this meditation app called - Lets meditate. Its free amd have a lot of diferent meditation stuff in it. One I used this moorning was Move past your pain. Might be useful for you too.

Sure it would be better if you had everything talked out. That helps to let go cause your heart dont hurt. But with girls it is - once they cut you off theres no way back because they already decided. They decide it slowly before cutting off, thats why when they finnaly decide, the decision is firm.
We guys tend to end things and then think, thats why you see guys running after girl after breakup or feeling good soon after splitting and later on really miserable. With girls its vice versa. So yeah man it wasnt right then and there when she choose to end contact, it was sooner than that.

[phobt]

Thanks for the reply. So even though I convinced her to "leave her doors open", i shoudln't be hopeful at all?

[Hooo!]

1) you are needy neeeeeeedddyyy as ****
That’s not nice
2) you lie to her about the boyfriend pretending it’s „just as friends“ - it’s not
3) you come of slow and then BAM you send her a record with your fullest hearts attire that’s creepy
4) you don’t give her room or pull her to you. You make her the price you are missing out on not the other way around.

[phobt]

1) Since when being in love makes you needy?
3) If u read carefully, my message was just accidentally a bit more intimate, not a love confession
4) I didn't understand this

[Gary Griffin]

I think you need advise/tips from professionals & there is a site it's very easy to use that would be helpful I think, https://loveama.com/ Take a look!

[Hooo!]

1Having a crush doesn’t make you needy
Your behaviour betrays you as needy

3I exaggerate just a little so you get the idea here

4 you do not give her enough reason to decide herself for you. You are constantly pushing her in your direction. You are doing the action.
One of the reasons is probably that you want to „get her“ like a price in a contest. And you feel if you don’t push you might miss out on her. Put this in words that suit you.
You should instead be the one she wants to get and then make her struggle to „get you“


If someone wants to go to the movies with you - but you aren’t sure if you wanna go
Then a little pushing is nice
Too much however will usually have the opposite effect. If people are nagging you you are less likely to want to be doing anything with them
Let alone having sex with them.

[phobt]

I see! Thanks for the response! So... have you got any tips? How could I possibly reinitiate the whole thing? I mean... the chat is still left open. Soon enough I will have to make a move. But I'm freaking scared of messing it up 'cause this is my last chance. How should I try to approach her again?

[Hooo!]

Read your message again

Would you date someone who is scared of loosing you...
... when you aren’t even together?
You smell like insecurity.

You ever trained a dog or made a dinner? It’s not about tricks
It’s about having at least some understand about what you are doing.
The bright side: it’s learnable.


All things aside
What would you want to happen concerning the girl?

[phobt]

The obvious: I would like to have a relationship with her

[Hooo!]

I challenge that
It’s so unconcrete
What do you exactly and in detail want to happen?

Having some relationship to someone is as washy as it goes. In having a relationship with you right now.

[phobt]

I'm talking about the romantic kind of relationship

I miss her so much, I feel terrible that I might not be able to even talk to her again and I would rly appreciate it if u could help me figure out how to reapproach her by Wednesday. I was thinking about texting sth lighthearted so that I do not bring up the tension of last time. But what if she tells me '' I said I wanted no further contact, why are you doing this?''

[phobt]

Please give me some advice, even if you think i should stop trying. i'm gonna give it a shot anyway, so it's much better to have some guidance instead of just following my instinct (which can potentially lead me to dangerous paths since I cannot think straight when i'm in love...)

[Hooo!]

I think you should be concrete in what you want

What do you want to actually happen?
In terms of measureable actions

[phobt]

Pal, Wednesday is approaching, please give me sth I can use!!!

I want to enter her life again, take it easy this time (having a lot of coursework now will probably be beneficial and keep me calm and in line temporarily), give her the time she needs to get to know the real me, and when I feel she is "ready", express my feelings to her.