Girlfriend cant let go of previous partners

[JeepinJay]

Been with my girl for over 5 years now. Relationship at the beginning was great, however things started to get rocky. I'll spare most the details, but we eventually ended up breaking up for a month or so. During that month, she was with 2 guys. One was a best friend that she had for about a year, and the other was someone she hadn't previously been friends with. Her friend of a year, they had gotten together and had sex twice, and the other guy they only got to 1st base. After talking about getting back together, we eventually did. However this is where the issues I'm dealing with began.

When I asked her to stop talking to the guys that she had been with, she blatantly refused at first. Eventually she did, but only because I essentially told her to or else I wont be sticking around if she continued to talk to them. I know, we were broken up, and she didn't cheat or do anything wrongful, but the idea of her still wanting to be friends with them just doesn't settle well with me.

Most recently I found out that she had unblocked her best friend and wanted to see how he was doing in life, because she feels bad for him and having to end their friendship so abruptly. I also found out that she had started texting the other guy again. Both of these things she didn't tell me because she said she didn't want to start a fight. I feel like shes cares to much for these guys. If my feelings were important enough to her, why doesn't she realize that and just let these two guys go?

I have told her personally how I feel about all this and she doesn't seem to see an issue in any of it. And she may be right... we were broken at the time she that she had been involved with these guys, but it still doesn't settle well with me at all. I don't want to be the person to control who she can and can't talk to, and I've told her that. However that doesn't stop the way I'm feeling. I know shes faithful and loyal, and wouldn't cheat on me. But that isn't the issue I'm dealing with. I guess you could say I'm extremely jealous that she wants to continue her friendship with her previous sexual partners.

My question to you guys is, whats the right way to go about this? Is it wrong for me to tell her to not talk to these people? How do I get over that jealousy that I'm feeling? One of the guys has a new girlfriend now and she had mentioned that maybe we can all get together, and that'll make me feel better about the situation. I just can't stop thinking that she cares more about other guys than me. Any input is appreciated! Thanks ~Jay

[TheEvilJester]

I'll start by saying this. It would be wrong of you to give her an ultimatum and say it's me or them. At the end of the day, if she is not willing to let go of them, she's an adult and that is her decision.

HOWEVER... and this is a big however... that doesn't mean you have to be okay with that. Honestly, I am 100% with you. This would NOT be okay with me. This isn't you not being okay with her having a certain friend just because you happen not to like the person, or something like that. This is you not being okay with her remaining so close to former sexual partners. Not to mention ones she had so recently. Honestly, I think most people would feel the same way you feel.

So, I would not recommend that you give her an ultimatum in a "me or them" sort of way.... but I honestly say that more FOR you then for her. She doesn't deserve the power to make that decision. You've made her understand how you feel. At this point, if she cannot respect that and realize that you, as her boyfriend, are more important than some former flings... then maybe that is YOUR cue to just end it. Don't give HER the power to decide either she'll make you a priority or decide to break up. Make her aware of how you feel about the situation (as it sounds like you already have) and if that isn't enough for her to change the situation, YOU should end it.

I mean, don't get me wrong. If you think you COULD find a way to be okay with it (for example, if befriending the guy who now has another girlfriend would help) then you can certainly give that a try. If you are okay with trying that, go for it. I'm just saying, you wouldn't be wrong if you are not okay with that. Like I said, I would personally not be okay with it. But, again, if these friends of hers are too important to her to let go, then that is her decision. You shouldn't force her to change her mind.... but you shouldn't be expected to just have to be okay with it either. If it doesn't work for you... but she's unwilling to let them go, then maybe you two are just better off parting ways. I mean, hopefully it wouldn't have to come to that. Ideally you two could work it out somehow. But, you would not be wrong if this situation is just not okay for you.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

Stop being selfish

If she wants to be with you over these other guys then that’s a huge compliment.

You can’t tell her (and you should not want to) who she is talking to.

[JeepinJay]

I'll start by saying this. It would be wrong of you to give her an ultimatum and say it's me or them. At the end of the day, if she is not willing to let go of them, she's an adult and that is her decision.

HOWEVER... and this is a big however... that doesn't mean you have to be okay with that. Honestly, I am 100% with you. This would NOT be okay with me. This isn't you not being okay with her having a certain friend just because you happen not to like the person, or something like that. This is you not being okay with her remaining so close to former sexual partners. Not to mention ones she had so recently. Honestly, I think most people would feel the same way you feel.

So, I would not recommend that you give her an ultimatum in a "me or them" sort of way.... but I honestly say that more FOR you then for her. She doesn't deserve the power to make that decision. You've made her understand how you feel. At this point, if she cannot respect that and realize that you, as her boyfriend, are more important than some former flings... then maybe that is YOUR cue to just end it. Don't give HER the power to decide either she'll make you a priority or decide to break up. Make her aware of how you feel about the situation (as it sounds like you already have) and if that isn't enough for her to change the situation, YOU should end it.

I mean, don't get me wrong. If you think you COULD find a way to be okay with it (for example, if befriending the guy who now has another girlfriend would help) then you can certainly give that a try. If you are okay with trying that, go for it. I'm just saying, you wouldn't be wrong if you are not okay with that. Like I said, I would personally not be okay with it. But, again, if these friends of hers are too important to her to let go, then that is her decision. You shouldn't force her to change her mind.... but you shouldn't be expected to just have to be okay with it either. If it doesn't work for you... but she's unwilling to let them go, then maybe you two are just better off parting ways. I mean, hopefully it wouldn't have to come to that. Ideally you two could work it out somehow. But, you would not be wrong if this situation is just not okay for you.

Good luck to you.

I haven't given her an ultimatum, but I have thought about it. I do feel like that would be the wrong thing to do though. I've asked her to respect my feelings and my view on the situation. She agreed to not talk to him, however It's the type of agreement just to make me stop talking about it. She had told me that she stopped talking to him, however I actually just figured out she is STILL talking to him. She claims It's just small talk. I don't give a rats ass... talking is still talking and she knows how I feel about it.

She says she feels bad, to let go of someone so abruptly. I asked why he is so important and she couldn't even give me a good answer to that. Emotions all over the place. She's been with me since high school... I want to leave but just cant stomach that idea. I want her morals and views to be the same as mine, I want her to agree with me when I ask her to not talk to him. And I've told her that myself. I know someone will never see everything the same as you, but I'd hope that something like this would be important enough for her to be on the same page as me.

- - - Updated - - -

Stop being selfish

If she wants to be with you over these other guys then that’s a huge compliment.

You can’t tell her (and you should not want to) who she is talking to.

Not sure if you've read my post but... I said that I don't want to control who she can and can't talk to. I'm not being selfish by not being ok with her wanting to have friendships with her previous partners. Not sure how that is selfish in your books. And just because she is choosing to stay with me doesn't make it ok to befriend her ex's.

[dollhouse]

Did she **** these two male (friends?) to get back at you and is keeping them around a reminder to you that she can get dick and doesn't need yours if you break again? That's how I am reading this. What do you think? She the malicious type? The fact they were sex partner and makeout buddy during one month break is reason enough to not talk to them because they are reminders to you.

[Hooo!]

So in order to be friends with you she has to cut contact with all the persons she loved once or whom loved her, just because they ****ed in the past?
Yes I call that selfish

[TheEvilJester]

Did she **** these two male (friends?) to get back at you and is keeping them around a reminder to you that she can get dick and doesn't need yours if you break again? That's how I am reading this. What do you think? She the malicious type? The fact they were sex partner and makeout buddy during one month break is reason enough to not talk to them because they are reminders to you.

Now there is an aspect that hadn't even occurred to me. I don't know if that IS the case. I would hope not. That thought hadn't even come to mind for me until dollhouse brought it up, but it is a good point. Maybe that's not what she's doing at all.... but maybe it is. If it is, then I would honestly feel like you deserve better and are just better off without her. I'd like to think, though, that is not why she's still hanging onto these friendships, but it is good food for thought.

Anyway, I cannot agree that it is in any way selfish to not be okay with your significant other remaining close friends with an ex. Is that not part of most of our nature? Wouldn't most people feel a little iffy about that kind of situation? What WOULD be selfish would be to expect that she HAS to fall in line and do what you want. Like I said, if she deems these friendships too important to give up, then she is an adult who is allowed to make that decision. She is an adult who has to live with the consequences of such a decision. But you are also an adult who is allowed to not be okay with that. I don't know. Maybe I'm the weird one here, but I just almost never see the point of remaining friends with an ex. It's not like you have to HATE them and think they are the devil incarnate. But, I don't think it is necessarily healthy, at least in most situations, to remain friends with an ex. It is better for EVERYBODY involved to have a clean break.

I know you don't want to break up with her, so I sincerely hope you don't have to. I hope you two can find a way to make this work. Whether it means she puts them in her past once and for all.... Whether it means you learn to accept the friendships so long as they don't cross the line.... or whether it means you find some way to sort of meet in the middle. However it may be, I hope you two find a way to make it work. ...But you can't make somebody change their mind sometimes. If neither of you can budge, then going your separate ways may be the only viable option.

Good luck to you either way.

[bulrush]

You two are not right for each other. It doesn't matter how emotionally attached you are to each other, you're just not right for each other. She wants to have other friends and you are an insecure type. To help with your insecurities you need to have more experience dating other women so you can find someone more compatible. She is not wrong, neither are you, but you two being together just makes your insecurities worse. You need to find someone to help you grow.

I know breaking up hurts but you have to think long-term for these things.

[Mr Married]

I want her morals and views to be the same as mine, I want her to agree with me when I ask her to not talk to him. And I've told her that myself. ...........

Never going to happen she is her own person. Plus.....you have already proven to her that you are just talk and you are not going to do anything about it but keep talking.
If you don't set a hard boundary on this and let your actions do the talking (not your words) she will just continue to run all over you.

You are setting yourself up very very early in the game to become a doormat.

[Gary Griffin]

I would suggest, you better ask any relationship/intimacy coach here on this platform, https://datingama.amafeed.com/ I am sure this will be very helpful!