Losing my mind.

[lostlove]

Hi everybody,
I am new to this board. I am in desperate need of advice. My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. And I am really confused, because, our relationship was really great. I honestly felt that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Over the 2 years, we were amazing. However, several months ago, she broke down into tears and told me that her friend of a year was being flirty with her, and she couldn't resist the temptation of flirting back. She went on to say that he had been flirting with her for the entire year they had known each other, and because he had been very convincing and slick, she couldn't get him out of her mind. So finally, in most emotionally devastating break-up I could ever imagine she came over and told me she had to explore other people if she was to ever truly know what we had (I was her first love and she was mine). So needless to say the first week I was pretty messed up. However, after a week of not talking, we starting talking online, and decided to be friends, which I truly want to be. So the guy she basically broke up with me for, is now basically toying with her, not telling her if hes interested or not, and she is suffering over that, and it make me suffer more that she is suffering. So she has recently convinced him to go out with her, and over the last week she has been going over to his apartment and watching movies with him in his room. I don't know whats happening in his room, but I assume only the worst. I haven't been able to sleep, and I've been crying in my bed every night I know she is with him in his apartment. Last night, we had decided to go out to dinner as friends, and it was amazing. The chemistry was wonderful, and it was like we were in the beginning of our relationship; we were laughing, joking, flirting, playing around and hugged several times during the night. So after our dinner she goes to his apartment, and when I ask her on IM how her night was, she won't talk to me. She won't tell me if they are together, or not; just for my closure. She get mad, and says I need to get over her, and that "I am not your girlfriend!", which of course I knew. I, a once really stable person, have been reduced to a pile of crying mush, and she is out living it up with him. I have no, "rebound", or anyone that I can even see myself pursuing. I am going crazy. I cant sleep well, I cant stop thinking about her, and I know I have to. Any Advice?

Thank you.

[gHEXjt]

I know it sucks man. Experienced something similar a little while ago. The best piece of advice I can give you is to cut off all contact from her. This is very hard to do, but you have to do it. If she just expects you to "get over it" than she has a serious problem. No one should be able to get over a 2 year, serious relationship, in 2 weeks when they were the one dumped. It's a work in progress that I'm still going through even after being single for 4 months.

Bottom line is, though, that you cannot be friends with someone you were in a serious relationship, unless you are completely over them. Which you are most definitely not. At least for the time being, you should not talk to her. And then when the time comes that you are over her, you may or may not want to contact her and be friends.

It is still very soon after the breakup too. The fact that you want to be friends with her may only be stemming from the fact that you hope to win her back. But the fact of the matter is, that she left you for someone else. And is now telling you to get over it. Why do you want to be friends with someone who would **** you over like that? I spent 2 1/2 months in contact with my ex after she dumped me, and you know, everyone was telling me not to call her or see her, but I didn't listen. She ended up telling me she has a new bf after leading me on the whole time, and I was back at square 1. An even bigger wreck than I was the night she dumped me. So I told her to get ****ed, basically, and haven't spoken to her since. And you know, in the past 1 1/2 months of not speaking to her, I've gone from feeling no better at all, to feeling much, much better.

I don't talk to her, and even though I want to and I miss her like crazy, the no contact is helping me move along. I "want to be her friend," but only because of the idea that it would possibly allow me to get her back, which I'm finally starting to realize won't happen. Plus, you need to look at things a little differently here--You're gf basically told you, "I love you, but I think there's probably something better out there. So I want to see if I can find it, and then if I don't, maybe I'll come back to you." AKA you are her second choice now. And nobody deserves to be that.

So stop talking to her. I cannot stress that enough. It will only help to make you feel more like shit, I guarantee it. And go out and do stuff with your buddies. Don't worry about a rebound, if you find one, great, but just start working to improve yourself, get involved in some shit, and party up with your friends.

So for the love of god, don't talk to her anymore, at least for a while, and keep yourself busy. It's when you lie around and have nothing to do that you really think about this bullshit, and get the most upset.

[independent]

I'm not really in a good position to offer advice, so after I read your post (twice) I just clicked off. My heart goes out to you, though - I can tell you're really hurting. I just didnt know what to say... so I thought it was better I didnt.

As I was going about my other business, this was still on my mind. And it occurred to me that it's like she cheated on you with your permission. Maybe that's a skewed way of looking at it, maybe not. But thought I would share that thought that popped in my head, so you can dismiss it yourself or chew on it to see how it makes you feel.

Wishing you all the best...

[lostlove]

Thank you both for your replies. In response to her "cheating on me with my permission"; kinda. Its thought because, in all long-term relationships, given enough time, people have little crushes or something on another person, but they never act on them because they are committed to their partner. It was kind of a though situation between me and her. I am in medical school and live 30 mins away from her. This basically prohibited me from seeing her on weekdays, and thats what wore her down eventually. She would be soo happy with me on the weekends, but when I wasn't around during the week, she missed me like hell, and was depressed. So in a way, she got tired of feeling depressed. Another part of it was, I was her first "real" relationship. She had never experienced a real committed relationship before, and didn't truly understand that the honeymoon period always wears off, and the relationships will always lose some of that "freshness". I had told her that but she didn't fully believe me. I think she thought that there was this "perfect" person out there who will suprise you everyday, have everything in common with you and who will always want to do the same stuff you do. Based on my experience in high school relationships, this is a common rookie error. But in the end, I think the distance is really what pushed her over the edge. It was kind of weird, because she was kind of an nerdy, unattractive girl growing up, so she never developed the emotional skills to deal with other people being interested in you, like most attractive girls have to do. When she got to college, she had become very beautiful, and wasn't used to guys hitting on her all of the time. She took people at their word, and never assumed that a guy was just talking to her to her to try to get with her. She didn't know how to handle her emotions, so in a way, I am not as angry as I normally would be, because she was really really confused. Actually she was so confused she would always be upset and crying and emotionally taking it out on herself. I don't feel like she didn't love me and was going to someone else she did love, because I know she loved me, very much. She just had a really bad case of the "what ifs". "What if I never date again? how will I know who/what I want?" ect.. She was lonely and depressed 5 out of the 7 days of the week, and just couldn't take it anymore. The guys she left me for was 2 mins away from her, and she had a part-time job where she worked with him, so of course, she saw him more than me, and also would talk to him a lot on the IM, mostly when I was busy studying. I've been out of the house most of today and have realized that, yes, when I hung out with her last night, I still had the "I'm going to get her back" mentality. That is the reason that her leaving dinner with me and going to the other guys house hurt so much. I've talked to a few new people today that I wouldn't normally have, and really decided that I'm done with her. I actually had a long discussion with her today, after this decision, and it really didn't bother me. I appreciate the input gHEXjt, and I defiantly agree. I really want her to figure herself the F out, because right now shes kind of an emotional train wreck. She doesn't "know" how to be in a committed relationship, and in the world she has good company. So, I'm done worrying about it. She was my best-friend for the 2 years we've know each other and I really couldn't stand to sacrifice that, but I may have to consider a temporary break in communication depending on how the next few days go, after my resolution that I'm done "trying"; I'm done with her. In the end, I'm sure the world has a plan, and whoever/whatever that plan includes I just have to be prepared and open to accept. Thanks guys!

[TAVS]

The sooner you get her out of your life the better. If you run into eachother a few yrs down the road and both want to try again, then great. But for now, you two are over and continued relations with her will only bring you pain.

[gHEXjt]

My girl was my best friend for 4 years, but being "friends" with her after the fact was not the same. It hurt, and continued to hurt me because you will never be friends on that same level again. In this instance, your best friend has basically come to you and said, "I still want to be friends, but I don't want to be best friends anymore." And that really sucks. Which is why no contact is the way to go, at least for a while. It will allow you to begin healing, and could possibly cause her to realize what she has left behind.

[lostlove]

Yeah. I'm beginning to realize that's the way to go for now. Seeing her only make me think about the good times, that I can't have anymore, and also reminds me of that twisted, interfering, persuasive #$&^$# of a guy that shes with now. Good call.

[whaywardj]

Seems to me, lostlove, your thoughts on the whole thing are pretty even-handed and level headed, all things considered. I'd try to draw some solace from the fact I didn't have my head up my ass about any of it, as most might. It's tough but, from what you've said here, I think you'll make the right decisions in their proper time.

Maybe a tip will help: At times like yours, the biggest struggle is not letting go of the other person as much as it is letting go of your own hope you won't have to. Once you do that, things change dramatically.

[lostlove]

Very true whaywardj. That was kind of the theme of today. I've realized that not seeing her (the physical separation) was no where near as bad as the idea that it "may" never be again. And that little curious "may" was what was killing me. I have to live my life with the conviction that it "won't" be again. One, because it would not be fair to anyone else I date, to have buried hope in relationship with someone else, and two, for my own sanity; so I don't always have to worry and wonder about it. Its kind of ironic, I met someone today while venturing around that has recently gone through the same thing with her ex and was in my position in her relationship. So, needless to say we had a lot to talk about, a lot to share. I think it has turned the corner, and its all going to be better from here out. Optimistic thinking is the key. Cheers all!

[whaywardj]

...And that little curious "may" was what was killing me....

That's a very clever and perfectly apt way of putting it. It IS a damnably curious thing.

[mhussain]

we all make mistakes and thankfully we all pay the price.

i have no sympathy or pity for those who cheat, no matter how they do it. whether emotionally or physically.

if she suffers at the hand of the other guy, she has then deserved it.

i know its hard for you right now, but time has healed all of us and it will heal you as well,

take care of yourself

Hussain

[independent]

Yeah. I'm beginning to realize that's the way to go for now. Seeing her only make me think about the good times, that I can't have anymore, and also reminds me of that twisted, interfering, persuasive #$&^$# of a guy that shes with now. Good call.

I can relate to this. Going through a bit of "separation anxiety" myself right now... and the advice here was good for me to read through as well. Thanks, all!

[lostlove]

I realized something from this forum discussion. I had not really expressed my anger towards her as much as I probably should have. I was very angry at her, but I was worried that by being openly angry with her she would push me further away, and for a while there I wanted to be really nice and make her want to get back with me. So I held in my anger, and in doing so, I kind of send the message, "what you did to me is OK", and that is not the message I want her to hear. So I wrote her a long e-mail today detailing how she made me feel, which is something I've kept inside for too long. It feels good. I hope she can be humble enough to admit some fault for her infidelity and apologizes.

[mhussain]

she wont be.

but you need to show her how much it hurt her and you need to stop worrying about what her reaction will be to your anger.

do not, repeat DO NOT feel sorry for those who cheat

Hussain

[*konstantine*]

I feel sick reading your post....i've gone through something similar...i know your going through alot right now and i'm sooo sorry that you have had to experience this but you seem to be thinking in the right direction and have really good insights about the whole situation....

....its good that you got to express how you have felt in the email, it probably felt alot better to get that all out, if you haven't sent it all ready i would wait a day or two to see how you feel...at this point i don't even feel like she is worth emailing...and their r things u may regret saying and it could start a whole dialogue between the 2 of you that just brings up more feelings of hurt....but i understand the need to send it and hopefully it will bring u some closure if you do....

I know it sucks b/c your in all this pain b/c of her and she gets to go be happy and live her life, but don't give her the opportunity to string u along, she might have her doubts w/this guy and if she does try hopefully u will be at a point where u don't need to have her in your life....i think she did a horrible thing to u, she at the very least could have waited a while before seeing this other guy...

I'm not sure if you still plan on being friends w/her but like ghexjt and tavs I would seriously try and hold off on that...Until your completly over her you'll just end up hurting yourself and putting yourself in vulnerable situations...given the amount of time you were together and how much u care for her I don't see how you will be able to get over her while your still trying to be her friend. and like you said you live 2 hrs. away which i see as a big advantage right now, you don't have to worry about running into her and can just focus on yourself right now, because thats what she's doing right now....

i know right now it feels like notthing will make u feel better or stop thinking about it but honestly in time u will begin to feel a little better and the sooner u are outside of this relationship the faster u will see her and what she did to u for what they truly are....
my heart really goes out to u and i hope things start to feel better for u soon!