Love/trust or divorce

[OCEANDREAMZ]

My husband and I got married at the beginning of this year. We have a very good relationship for the most part. He does everything for me that I could possibly ask for, except tell me the truth. No he doesn’t lie about big things like cheating or where he is at least as far as I know) no all his lies something to do with his past.
The first thing that he lied
(Before we got married) about was being married. I found out on my ownAfter having the strongest feeling that he was hiding something I search through her stuff and found out that he was going through a divorce ! I confronted him fairly call me asking him if he had anything to tell me giving him the chance to come clean.
Which brings me to the second thing that he lied about. He lied about the marriage all together saying that it was a contract marriage so he could get more money in the military, and she could get military health insurance. He swore that their relationship was not romantic at all and that their marriage was for all technical purposes fake . At first his story added up and made sense to me but as time went on I began to find more and more gaps, for one they had gotten married in 2012 but he had not joined the military until 2014. AlsoAccording to several websites he and her had share the same address which probably means they live together.
So I decided to confront him again to give him another chance to come clean about the whole situation I asked directly if he had really loved this one and if they had been in a real marriage and if they had slept together. I told him that if he told me the truth about everything that I would probably forgive him and that we can move on from his past .
At this time he went off on me accusing me of being paranoid and jealous saying that he had married her into 012 because She needed US citizenship and He was in a different branch of military at the time.
Deep down I felt like something was wrong with his story. That something wasn’t quite adding up. But I had no evidence and I was starting to believe that maybe I was really paranoid and making stuff up.
By this time he was already divorced and we are not each other for almost 2 years. We got married but deep down I still felt like something was wrong then a couple of weeks after we got married I found one of his old cell phones with all of his old messages to his ex-wife. I remember him having this phone when we were first dating and wondering who this woman was that kept calling him. He told me that she was just one of his friends. The messages were all in Spanish so I had to translate them all. And from the messages it was very clear that they were in a real relationship she was extremely angry at him and I could tell that she truly loved him and it one point he must’ve loved her . Throughout the messages they were constantly arguing and fighting she did not want to get a divorce and felt betrayed she also suspected that there was another woman involved.( me)
So again I confronted him about the situation he would not tell me anything until I showed him the messages. Then he told me that yes they had been in a real relationship but that she would have been the most horrible woman imaginable. All of his friends have confirmed that his ex only cared about money and general was not a very nice person. But I am a firm believer in the sacredness of marriage I do not think that people should get just get divorced because they don’t get along or because of fighting over stupid things if you really love somebody which it seems that they did then you should try to work things out. I feel horribly guilty thinking that probably if I was not in the picture they would have worked things out eventually and not gotten divorced and stay together . About a month ago my husband finally told me that the real reason he divorced his wife was because she got an abortion of his baby without telling him. I felt a little bit better realizing that that was a very good reason to get divorced and that maybe me and him were actually a better match for each other. I realize that he has been through a lot in his life and he has a very long complicated past he is truly a wonderful husband but I just can’t get over the fact that he lied to me about so many things, And seeing how easily he lied to me about these big things makes it impossible for me to trust him about anything. It is literally driving me crazy and the worst part is I can’t help but feel paranoid like he’s still hiding things from me and I know from experience now that the only way I’ll ever know the truth is If i find it out myself.I love him but I can’t live every day with this kind of miss trust and I have tried so hard to build up trust with him again but it’s not working. I am at the point where I don’t know what to do. Do I stay and keep trying to build trust with this man? What do I leave and start fresh somewhere else. What is more important love or trust . Can u even have love without trust

[Mr Married]

Your marriage is doomed. Marriage is based on trust, honesty, commitment, and caring.
There are so many red flags here it is nuts.
How many lies will you accept?
Your not in a marriage at all...your in a toxic relationship.

[Hooo!]

The person you think your husband is, the person whom you love so dearly
... - that person doesn’t exist
He exists only in your imagination

[TheEvilJester]

This is another one of those cases where I wish I could offer more optimistic thoughts... but I just can't here. Lies like that are NOT okay. Hell... there would be nothing wrong with it if he were just honest with you right from the start. I mean, maybe that wouldn't have worked for you, but you'd have both been better off knowing that back then. But, he should have just been honest with you. "Yes, we did love each other but, in the end, it just wasn't the right relationship. For XYZ reasons (which he could feel free to elaborate if he wanted) we just didn't work."

I absolutely agree with you that divorce should be about the last resort.... but it SHOULD still be an option. You shouldn't have to be stuck with somebody just because you once thought maybe they were the right person. I don't think you should enter into marriage without THINKING it is forever, and that should be the ultimate goal. ...But that doesn't mean you should be doomed to a miserable marriage for the rest of your life simply because of a mistake you made at a time when you didn't think it was a mistake.

...But he should have just been honest with you from the start. What's worse... when he got caught for lying... he tried to just cover it up with MORE lies. You shouldn't be spying on him (things like reading his old text messages)... but you also shouldn't be put in the position where you feel like you HAVE to.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you think you can trust him again. IF and only if he can prove worthy of trust, then maybe it is worth it to you to give him that chance. But, personally, I could never trust somebody again after all this, and that definitely IS reason enough for a relationship not to work. Best of luck to you either way.

[thelonelyone]

Don't even think about getting together. Live on

[bulrush]

These are not just occasional or small lies, this is a big deal. How can you possibly have a real relationship if he lies constantly? Why did he lie about being married before? What possible purpose could the lie achieve for him?
People get married, discover it's a mistake, and get divorced. It happens.

> But I am a firm believer in the sacredness of marriage I do not think that people should get just get divorced because they don’t get along or because of fighting over stupid things if you really love somebody which it seems that they did then you should try to work things out.

True, they should try to work things out, but not if there is abuse in the marriage. When 2 people are too incompatible, there are often a lot of fights, which is toxic. Getting out of a toxic relationship isn't about giving up, it's about determining if there is any potential for real change in the positive direction. So while my wife [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] was very abusive, I also discovered she would not go to counseling, or even admit the abuse was wrong, and that means there was no potential at all for change. So I dumped the dead weight.

[sherril2291]

Hi oceandreamz,
I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now. The first years of marriage should be filled with intimacy and passion and fun as you build the foundation of your future.
From what I can tell, as another poster mentioned, there were definitely red flags before you made the decision to marry your spouse, but you chose to overlook them and marry anyway. There must be wonderful aspects about your husband to decide to marry him in the midst of such doubts.
You stated in your post that you believe in the sacredness of marriage, so that leads me to believe that you are willing to fight for your marriage.
Many people become defensive when they are confronted with something they did wrong. I am praying that your husband can admit to himself at least that what he's doing is destructive and is hurting you, and that he's willing to work hard with you to save your marriage. I'm so proud of you for how honest you were in your post and I'm praying that trust can be rebuilt.

[TheEvilJester]

True, they should try to work things out, but not if there is abuse in the marriage. When 2 people are too incompatible, there are often a lot of fights, which is toxic. Getting out of a toxic relationship isn't about giving up, it's about determining if there is any potential for real change in the positive direction. So while my wife [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] was very abusive, I also discovered she would not go to counseling, or even admit the abuse was wrong, and that means there was no potential at all for change. So I dumped the dead weight.

Agreed. Honestly, I would even go as far as to say an abusive relationship (whether physically, verbally, mentally, or whatever kind) isn't the only valid reason for a divorce. Two people can THINK they are compatible and find out they were wrong. They can honestly just not work anymore as a couple. Unfortunately, though, often times when two people DO discover that, it can degenerate into an abusive relationship because they are both unhappy and don't necessarily handle it the best.

It's kind of a sad state of affairs in this world. I swear it is like we can't find a healthy balance as human beings. Everything has to be to one extreme or the other. Back in the day, marriage was considered so scared and divorce SO taboo that people didn't even dare think of it. And that is not good because that results in a lot of people stuck in terribly unhappy marriages, abusive relationships, etc. all because of some stupid ideal that was good as a guideline/goal, but shouldn't be an excuse to be stuck in a miserable situation for the rest of your life because of one mistake. ....But then nowadays people don't take marriage NEARLY seriously enough, and over half of marriages in the US end in divorce. There needs to be a healthy balance. Divorce should be possible in case somebody does make the mistake of thinking they found the right person only to realize later they were wrong.... but it shouldn't basically be the default.

[bulrush]

I swear it is like we can't find a healthy balance as human beings.

Most people simply refuse to learn about the science behind relationships, what works, and what doesn't. This is what I've been studying for 30 years, and the knowledge has helped me immensely. Usually self-help books only talk about the author's personal model for relationships. I've only found one good book that takes into account multiple models, and actually mentions studies.

This one: https://goo.gl/48JOhp

[TheEvilJester]

I think that is awesome that you have come here as somebody who has actually studied this for so long. Thank you for joining here to share your own thoughts and advice. Love and relationships are the sort of thing anybody can offer thoughts and advice... but they come from personal experiences, beliefs, etc. It's good to have somebody here who is obviously still also their own person (and can therefore offer personal experiences, thoughts, advice, etc.) but is also a studied professional.