Long-term passion for someone I (probably) can't have

[anon1993]

Hi all

Not sure if it's 'broken' or 'love' to be honest... So - I had a girlfriend long term from early 2013 to September 2017. We had our fair share of troubles, we just fell out of love after moving in with each other. I'm now seeing someone else who was interested in me and it's a happy, light-hearted relationship. I will try to summarise as much as possible so that I don't blabber on.

Anyway, the problem itself - and please don't tell me I'm bad, I feel guilt already - is that in around summer 2015, there was a girl at my local shop whom for some reason literally gave me the jitters every time I saw her, and I ended up making myself look like a drug addict to be honest (with how nervous I must have looked). Not long after that, after justifying that it was 'ok' to do so, I tried to do the unspeakable and hit her up on Facebook. Got denied and not surprised. I followed her on Instagram at some point and she accepted it. Also, at Christmas 2016 I sent out a friend-wide Snapchat to all my friends saying Happy Christmas (I'd added her at some point) and she replied with 'You too! Happy Christmas!' etc etc. I'd spoke to her a couple times in the shop in typical shop-talk i.e. where's this, please, thank you etc. I couldn't make the advances as I was in a relationship and had no confidence at the time. As a side to this I just think about the person at least once a day.

These days she works somewhere else so I don't see her regularly anymore until yesterday when she appeared in a superstore whilst I was in checkout. I literally looked up from the check out to direct eye contact, and in came the jitters and the panic. I finished at the checkout and ended up following her and her colleagues out of the store. As we got out to the car park we ended up walking up opposite sides of the car park and I was like 'don't look round, don't look round!', but I caved in, and when I did she was staring right at me. And then, when I left the huge car park in my new car, I saw her in my rear-view coming from a bush-laden path and she took a glance to the car whilst talking to her friend. Maybe I'm crazy, but maybe I'm not and this is what I need to find out.

I think this person may have a boyfriend but on social media (sorry to mention that horrible thing again!) there are no pictures of them together, no relationship statuses etc etc so it could just be a guess. Apart from that, I've been able to take control of my life, confidence, health and image over the last 6 months, and I feel like I'd be able to do something about it (in the REAL world), should I want to. It's just such long term and I don't see a let-up in my brain.

What are the if's, but's, do's and don'ts?

And most importantly thanks for taking the time to read.

[bulrush]

we just fell out of love after moving in with each other.

That's not correct. The honeymoon period ended, you didn't fall out of love because there was not love to begin with. Understand the difference between the "honeymoon period" or "new relationship energy" also called "puppy love". This is not love. Love takes years to grow and it grows slowly.

is that in around summer 2015, there was a girl at my local shop whom for some reason literally gave me the jitters every time I saw her,

This is likely human pheromones if you two were within a few feet of each other. Pheromones are real, and the theory is two people can have a "spark" if their immune systems complement each others, so their kids will be extra strong and immune to more things. However, pheromones sold in the back of Popular Science may not be real. I think pheromones work at a short distance, about 3-4 feet.

Compatible pheremones is at the instinctual level only, it has nothing to do with you two being compatible in other ways. Be VERY cautious here.

There is also what I call "energy compatibility" which works at a longer distance. While not provable by current science, plenty of people experience this across 50, 100 feet or more.

Ask her on a date, use the word "date" so there is no confusing. Tell you have this crush on her. Get to know her and see where it goes.

[anon1993]

That's not correct. The honeymoon period ended, you didn't fall out of love because there was not love to begin with. Understand the difference between the "honeymoon period" or "new relationship energy" also called "puppy love". This is not love. Love takes years to grow and it grows slowly.



This is likely human pheromones if you two were within a few feet of each other. Pheromones are real, and the theory is two people can have a "spark" if their immune systems complement each others, so their kids will be extra strong and immune to more things. However, pheromones sold in the back of Popular Science may not be real. I think pheromones work at a short distance, about 3-4 feet.

Compatible pheremones is at the instinctual level only, it has nothing to do with you two being compatible in other ways. Be VERY cautious here.

There is also what I call "energy compatibility" which works at a longer distance. While not provable by current science, plenty of people experience this across 50, 100 feet or more.

Ask her on a date, use the word "date" so there is no confusing. Tell you have this crush on her. Get to know her and see where it goes.

I will research pheromones, it's a new term to me. As far as I'm concerned, everything has always been 'physicality' or 'personality', but this just feels different, and it's going on for so long, that's the major difference. It's not just 'oh, she looks hot' and then 10 minutes later it's forgotten. The other problem is the practicality aspect. I don't see her around anymore. She works in a place that isn't somewhere you would just walk into without an appointment, and to be honest I'm scared of being a creep. The last thing I want to be is a creep.

I skirt around the idea of just going and asking for fear of making the wrong impression, or being slapped (for some intergalactic reason), or just any one of a million reasons that makes me continue to skirt around. It's like a car on the edge of a cliff - I want to pull the car to get it back on land, but I don't want to pull and fall off the cliff with it.

[bunnyhabit]

No study has led to the isolation of true*human sex pheromones, though various researchers have investigated the possibility of their existence. Sex pheromones*are chemical (olfactory) signals,*pheromones, released by an organism to attract an individual of the opposite*sex, encourage them to mate with them, or perform some other function closely related with*sexual reproduction.

i agree with bulrush there was never relationship between you and her. only a bit of negative play acting as a drug addict.

you should address this as a new potential dating prospect as the best possible outcome given your past contacts with this stranger

[anon1993]

i agree with bulrush there was never relationship between you and her. only a bit of negative play acting as a drug addict.

you should address this as a new potential dating prospect as the best possible outcome given your past contacts with this stranger

Sorry, are you saying I am addicted to her like a drug? And are you saying I should basically forget about her and learn from it? Or start treating her as a potential dating prospect based on what's happened?

Thanks both for your insightful answers. It's great to get off the beaten track and see it from another POV.

[bunnyhabit]

Sorry, are you saying I am addicted to her like a drug? And are you saying I should basically forget about her and learn from it? Or start treating her as a potential dating prospect based on what's happened?

Thanks both for your insightful answers. It's great to get off the beaten track and see it from another POV.

No I was referring to your mistake of "ended up making myself look like a drug addict" and
start treating her as a new potential dating prospect

wheather you give up or start treating her as a new potential dating prospect is your decision

[HappySpirit]

Just ping her, send her a message and start a conversation and get a feel for where she’s at?

- - - Updated - - -

Not sure what happened to original reply but I would be single for a while if I just got out of a long term partnership. It’s important for self-esteem and opportunities. You never know what or who you could miss out on.

[anon1993]

Just ping her, send her a message and start a conversation and get a feel for where she’s at?

- - - Updated - - -

Not sure what happened to original reply but I would be single for a while if I just got out of a long term partnership. It’s important for self-esteem and opportunities. You never know what or who you could miss out on.

Very true. I don't know what happened, this current one was meant to stay light hearted but time as flown and now it's a couple months in.

I may do just that, but I don't know whether in person would be better but that's hardly possible now as I say. So social media is pretty much the only way. Thanks

[HappySpirit]

No problem. Women can be on the down low about their feelings, especially if they’re into someone. If she was giving you attention I’d take that as sign enough. Absolutely send her a message via social media. She was looking at you. Maybe she doesn’t know whether or not you are single and is being respectful, doesn’t want to look foolish.
Best of luck

[anon1993]

Thank you for the positive ideas. Hopefully I won't be back ��

[HappySpirit]

Good luck!

[Hooo!]

I don’t understand the problem
You want her
You don’t want your current girlfriend
You don’t know if you can be together
Ask her out and see how it goes?

[GLYC]

You're biting on nothing really based on your first post. Those are pretty minor things.
I mean, a highlight was that she said "you too", to a mass holiday greeting.
However, there's nothing wrong with hitting her up and just being more direct.

Its really the best approach because If she rejects you, you'll be able to just move on much easier.

Really that's what being a man is all about though. Speaking your truth. Despite what the outcome may be,
I've done that several times in my life and had really great results from it.
In some cases, i was initially rejected by a woman who later came to chase me further down the road!

And that's a great feeling when that happens