I really need help and advice

[damage009]

Long story bit shorter. We are both Bulgarian, and he was my friend for more than 7-8 years. His father died from cancer so he moved to Germany to find a job, his brother lived there already. After a year, I moved to him, because I could not find a job, and I needed money and his brother told me they will help me. He never had a girlfriend before, and I had no boyfriend. I dated guys, but nothing special, and he did not date anyone, ever. Only had few one night stands.

After a while, while we were only Bulgarians here, we started to hang out more and more, almost every day. And one time we ended up together. (I have to say, when we first met, he wanted to sleep with me, like one nite stand, but I refused. I was atracted to him, but that is not my thing.)

So, after we ended together, I started to feel more and more for him, but he was cold, and told me he does not want a girlfriend, he does not dream love, he wants to be alone, he does not know how to have a girlfriend etc. I was first girl he kissed. And he is 28, I am 31.

I know I know..

So, I accepted that and moved on. After a while I spoke to his brother who told me that his dream was always to have a tall, blond girlfriend, who he can show to others. I found myself attractive, but in my own way. I have little bit more meat , and I am short. But I had never problems with that.


After a while, I got a job in the same company where he worked. And there I found out that he has something with one really pretty woman. (Altought she was only 18, and playing with him.)

I ignored everything but he keept on coming back to me, and we ended together once more, than again, and again... And after a year and half, I told him, I cannot anymore, he has to decide, are we a couple or not. And I ignored him. I decided to focus on my life and do something with my life, not only smoking weed and watch movies. (Yeah, we did only that. mostly. ) Then after few days, he asked me to be his girlfriend, told me he has feeling for me, and soon after he asked me to move in. We decided he pays rent and bills, and I buy weed and grosseries. (not proud of that. )


Start was good. about a week after, he coplained to his brother that he doesnt have his peace anymore, because I am always here. He was working 6-14, and I 14-24. We barely see each other, and when we did, he was playing games or watching action movies, sometimes something what I wanted, but not so much.

But, soon after, he got bill for some game 300 euros, after a while for gass 200 euros, and he never had any money, so I paid them. Than after a while he quit his job, and had no money. I had to take minus in bank that I can pay our rent. He didnt want to give up weed, so he would "buy" but withouth money, so I needed to pay that later. Than we decided to go on Vacation in Bulgarien, visit our families, but than, he told me, "I am going few days with my friends" and I noticed later he took all the money and spend it with his friends, buying them drinks, and looking like sheriff, with all the money. Than we were back, he told me he cannot sleep in same bed with me, because he has no place. He is really tall, but I was with taller men, and had no problems.

Than his mother started to tell me that I should maybe do something else with my hair, I should be prettier, blaa bla.. Nobody knew that I worked 10 hours a day, going shopping alone, carry everything because he didnt want to go or drive me. so I can make him dinner every day, so that he has everything. I really loved him. Just for the record, he wasnt only bad. We had good times, but mostly high, talking about universe.*

He never took me anywhere, never bought me anything, never gave me compliment, we had sex only one a week, and It was really bad. I had so much pain, I couldnt get wett, because his words were always in my head. I left him. But the same day he came back to me crying and telling he is depressed because his father died, and I sholud give him another chance.. I felt so bad, like I was the bitch. His family attacked me too, that I treat him no good, but I didnt know what I did wrong, aI only told him he is an asshole, and I do not want to work for his debts, and I also want to enjoy my life and travel, but we were together still. Was good, but after a while he startet to abuse me psihically, he lied about everything, his family start to terorise me that I am no good for him, and all this time I was the best. They all loved me. I cleaned, I cooked, I look after his neece, gave them everything. He finally found a new job, but started to spend so much money on clothes, everything expensive, and I was stucked with my 3000 euros minus. From month to month was only worse, but I couldnt left him.*

Then I went on dinner with his mother and told her I wish he treated me better. I told her that I do not know where does this relation leads to, because I do not know if I want to marry this kind of man. She told me I should left him, I deserve better, and his plan is to go back to Bulgarien and live with her but doesnt want to tell me?? He never huged me. We never cuddled. He was in his movie, pretend he was some action man, soldier... then she told him that I yelled at her, and told he is lazy and bla bla.. Which never happened. I never jelled an anyone. Specially not an someone who is 60. And we had a fight. Because he didnt believe me and called me a liar.

He went then working 3 weeks in Austria, and I asked him if its true that he is going back? He lied NOOO. After he got back, he got fired, because he did not want to go to work few days, and the next day, he went to Ireland on vacation, because he needed it. I was so tired of everything, and so alone, I didnt want my parents to know the situation, so I lied that everything is good. His mom kept on texting me like nothing happened, sending me hearts and telling me I need to change him. I must make him stop smoking etc. but i tried and couldnt. He didnt want to. And than I told my mom what happened, and I think he is only damaged because of his father. I told her abotu the money and that i needed help. And she and my dad sent me 6000 euros to start again. I was so lucky, (drivins licence finally, because I didnt have money to make one before) I could not wait for him to come back. But.. He texted me from Ireland, that he is not comming back to me, he is going to stay at his brothers place (brother live in same city here), after 2 years, he told me he has no feeling for me, told me that I am bad for him and he cannot love me, and i only always attack him. Told me that I am not attractive..*(I am, but should I wear skirt and high heels for washing dishes? When I wanted to go somewhere, he didnt. Only with me, who ever called him, he went right away.)

I asked him why, I cried... After all this time? (In meantime I payd all bills, he didnt even say thank you)

The worst thing.. My father, man I loved more than anyone ever, had heart attack few days after (I still blame myself for that), and I called my ex if he can drive me home so I can see him, because he was in coma and my mom told me I have to come fast as I can because he wont survive). He lied to me that he cannot, he didnt do nothing, I told him i will pay him.. He didnt want to. I looked for a flight, train, bus... I came home to late. My father died. My whole world crushed. I am empty. I do not know why?? I found myself a very good person. I am talking shit about him, but I told him that everything in face. I never said anything bad about someone behind his back. I am honest. I tell everything direct, and after, like here, to all other people. ) My dad was always fit and healthy man, never had any problems, had no diabetes, didnt drink alkohol, was always working something.. that was so much of a tragedy.

I still cannot sleep, eat... I had only 5 days free, I came back, he was still by his bro, and visited me everyday (only because he knew I had money and weed, and couldnt stare his brothers kids, wanted his peace) cried to me if I can help him to pay 1500 costs on his car damage. I did. He got than 4000 euros from his uncle and told me his moving back to mama.* I was alone. Dead. For Christmass he wrote me that he want to visit me, and talk to my mother, look hows it going, but never showed up. Had nothing to do, but didnt find time for me. he lives 30 minutes from me..

And I still do not know why did he treated me like that? I told him I had enough of his lies and his mama messing everything up. He lied that his credit card was in my wallet all the time and I was not organising our money well, and thats why we were in debt, told me not to contact him anymore, but I did, once more, and than he told me he vant end. He doesnt want me in his life.

Few weeks later, he met one girl when he was traveling, and second day he brought her home to his mother, and now they are together. He told her he loved her after 2 days of knowing her. His mom is so thrilled. She is perfekt. He seems so happy. I WAS NOT THE REASON HE WAS SAD!! I did him no harm. He was just like that. Since I know him. He never smiled. Always so nervous and angry. Now, he is here again, in Germany, with her. They are now month together. I saw them in caffe bar, holding hands. His brother is also trilled, told me he never saw him so happy, and in loved. He told me, my ex, that he wants to feel what it is like to be in loved. And last I told him was, in a month, believe me, you will found somebody. First who shows interest, you will take her. And he sad nooo, I do not want that, I am not shallow, I need to get to know somebody first.. And bam! She is tall, thinn, and blonde. I found out they are moving in together because she lives 600 km away, and that she changed him. He doesnt smoke anymore, and treat her like queen. :/

I do not know why am I so upset, because I do not want him back. I miss that what I tought he is. I miss talking to him. I miss someone who undestand me. And only people who understood me was my beloved father and him. And I lost both, in a month. That whats happened with my dad, hurt me for life. Cannot get worse than that. If I survived his death, I can survive anything. And I do not want to live, because nothing makes me happy. Luckly, I have now better job, I have really good salory, but I miss people. And I do not want to go out, because my father died 2 months ago. I do not know how to get out of this depression. I tried everything. I have friends, but told them all I want to be alone for a while, found new hobbys and set things clear in my head. Recover from my dad. And then I saw him. Here. After 3 months. He has now everything he ever wanted, and I lost everything. My dad, and my respect. I am too naive, I know that. When I love someone I gave him everything, and I am always the one who hurts.. And I think i didnt deserve that. I cannot believe that he never told me he loved me, and actually told me he has no feeling for me after 2 years, and after 2 days he told her he loved her. Only because she is pretty. I think that she is good to him, but I cannot believe that he is already in loved and love someone he doesnt really know. How can that be? Is he a psychopat? how can you live with someone for so long, and do him so many bad things withouth feeling sorry? altought he told me once, when he was drunk, that he will never addmit he loves me, and that he wants to kill himself everytime he sees himself in a mirror because everything he done to me. (That was after I left him first time.)

[harmony1]

you have been through a horrible experience of abusive relationship and loveless. when he will realise what he has lost in you it will be too late. He is a jerk and you dont deserve a jerk. Never give up hope on love. plus he is young. I have also been with someone younger, 5 years younger than me and it was almost similar stories. I broke up with him after 3 months because I saw him flirting with another girl in front of me. came back to me with tears but after 2 years he broke up with me and one week after he was already in relationship with another girl that we met just before he broke up with me. so I can relate to what you feel even though it was not exactly the same.
Keep your head up, you are not to be blamed in this situation. It is ok not to feel ok. you just lost your dad and this is a hard time. It is also ok to spend time alone to find yourself and what really makes you happy. It is actually very therapeutic to do something like running, painting, gardening, writing... anything that you can express yourself in a creative way. and it is a phase that you are going through.
There are 5 stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance.

so it is a process that you will go through. it is very dark for you right now but keep the hope that you will get out of it as a conqueror. it is his loss not yours and you are also very confused because you lost your dad.
Cry as much as you can. it is a phase, not your destination.
Keep yourself busy. when you come home from work, find an activity to do. watching a new series with many seasons and episodes on free streaming or youtube can help. document yourself about how to get over your grief. you can find interesting articles on google, youtube or even in books if you want to buy books.
get your body tired, do some sports if you cannot run do power walk or swim or anything that can get you tired. or dance, there are lots of free zumba videos on youtube, or pilates or yoga. I am sure you will find something that attracts you. Give yourself less time to think. there will be a moment that you wont be able to help it and you will just break down and cry it is normal and it is good to let it out. But teach yourself not to give in to depression, try until it becomes a reality for you. try by keeping yourself busy and allowing yourself a normal life.
Go out with your friends, have fun. it will be hard in the beginning but try until you can really enjoy it.
Build your cocoon: normally consisting of your family and friends. and feel free to move away from anyone toxic or not helping. it is about you now.
Get rid of his stuffs or anything that reminds you of him
Build new memories in the place you have been, in the clothes that reminds you of him. Do something exciting there or with that clothes that will overcome the previous memories.
Get dressed and pamper yourself. lean to treat yourself as a queen because you are one. not his queen but you are your queen before everybody else.
Learn from your mistakes. write down what you have learned from that relationship and what you need to avoid next time or what you think you should improve for next time.
Do things that will make you feel good about yourself. He is not worthy of any more of your feelings. he was a mistake now take charge and get back up again. finding the right partner will come only when you feel great about yourself and not looking for it. so be busy taking care of yourself and let that future partner chase you until he gets you. not the other way around. you deserve to be happy and you are the only person responsible for your happiness. guard your heart and give yourself a chance to be happy I send you lots of love to heal your broken heart and I pray that you come to the stage of acceptance very soon.
Take care