GF on vacation started using tinder platonically

[mealybugpilot]

We are in our late twenties, we have been going out for 5 months.

My girlfriend went to visit a friend abroad for a few weeks. They had a falling out, so she traveled to a city an hour away.

She felt lonely and bored, so she asked me is it ok if she used tinder to meet local people platonically.

Me: Well it is a hookup app, so I'm not too happy about this. Remember? How insistent you were at the start that I had deleted it? And I did. Sure there are no other options to meet locals?


Her: But just as friends! It's not just a hookup app! I have met many friends from there.

Me: Listen, I know you are bored, and I obviously cannot stop you... sooo it's fine if you make it clear to them it's a friend-meet, not a date. Just tell me everything in advance and keep in touch with me throughout the evening



Her: okay

...

So we talk a lot about all kinds of stuff except this, then

next evening

Her: Hey wanna see the guy I'm meeting in 30 mins? I'm not into him, of course, he just seems cool.

Me: ...Alright...


Sends photos of the guy, he seems cool. Not super hot, just cool.

Me: okay, so I want you to send me the screenshot of the convo, so I know he knows it's platonic


Sends ONE screenshot, not even the first, nor the last, I can see they were already talking before yesterday.

Me: so you were already talking, when you asked me if I was okay with it? Not cool, not cool at all.


Her: Ugh why are you like this? I am being upfront. I didn't even have to tell you.

Me: Not exactly upfront, you are giving me facts after. You set up a meet. And I don't see that it's just friends, not clear in the convo.


Her: You are being annoying. It's on my profile that I have a bf.

Me: ...listen... fine if you meet him as friends, whatever... one thing I'd like to ask, and this is important, keep me updated. Like we normally have a goodnight call, just call me before I'm going to bed, 2 minutes tops.


Her: No! You are being a needy control-freak. Don't order me around!

Me: I'm not... It's a reasonable request. I would not be happy if the next time I hear of you is tomorrow. I am serious.


This goes back and forth for a few mins, then she said okay, though she says she doesn't like to make calls during dinner.

...

She didn't call. I have called her, but it's a different timezone, they are probably having dinner. No answer.

Tried to sleep. She sends a text an hour later saying good night. Since I'm not sleeping, I call her, finally she picks up. She's walking on the street, I hear the guy in the background. She said she is going home, he is going the same way for a while. I've told her that I am very disappointed she didn't call. She said she didn't want to be disrespectful to the guy by making a phone call during dinner. Good night/ good night we hang up.

Few hours later she drunk texts me saying she wants me only.

In the morning I write a long message saying that she disappointed me, and she is crossing boundaries, and she was being disrespectful to ME, by ignoring my one small request.

She answered, that I am being clingy and tyrannical. That they were just hanging out as friends, with his friends too. It was just a fun night out in town, nothing else.

Honestly, I don't think she cheated. Still, I am disappointed that she ignored me throughout the evening. When I go out she expects me to answer the phone.

Later, eventually, she says she loves me, and she's sorry.
But I am not sure she is truly sorry.

We are having an argument throughout the day, though I think I was being straightforward. I was basically saying to her what I have written here, that the way she handled this was disrespectful, and that I never was jealous of her friends, but now she met a complete stranger from a dating app, and this is a different situation. I want to know details and see screenshots.

She is upset with me, saying that I am a petty, jealous control freak, she doesn't have to show me any screenshots and so on and so forth.

Who is being unreasonable? Do you think it's okay if I ask her to show me all the convos she is having with guys on tinder as kind of an ultimatum?


Oh, one more detail: few years ago she left her then-boyfriend for a vacation fling...

[DalM0m]

Talking to new people while on vacation is one thing. Using an app to go find them is something else. Using Tinder . . . no way. Your GF has lousy boundaries & very poor judgment. She also apparently has poor impulse control which is what caused her to ditch her friend in a foreign country.

Dating is a try out. A time to spend time together to determine if you are compatible. Look at what her vacation behavior is telling you about her character, her values & how she makes decisions. If you don't care for what you see perhaps its time to reevaluate the relationship.

[PRW]

I don't really trust her myself. I think she has integrity issues. But she didn't write in to here,...you did. So for your part of it you kept fanning the flames of the argument. Men who understand women don't argue with them. You kept arguing on and on over and over beating the dead horse.

You don't understand that women think emotionally. When she said you were clingy, tyrannical, jealous, and a control freak,...it is because that is how you made her FEEL. It is not about the logic of the debate or whether or not your request was reasonable.

What you should have done was when she asked you about doing Tinder you should have just said it was up to her to decide,...stop there,...and then not say another word about it. If she is going to cheat then she is going to cheat and there is not a thing in the world you can do about it The requirements you put on Tinder most certainly made you look bad. You looked weak, distrusting, and jealous,...so yes she was right about that part. If you would have just said you wasn't worried about it you would have shown that you trust her (regardless if you really did or not),...she would have been impressed with that,...would have felt kind and happy FEELINGS about you, and it would definitely reduced the chance of her cheating on the guy she FELT so good about.

The reason you put all those "tracking" requirements on her is because you really don't trust her. Part of the reason you don't trusted her is because of how she treated on the previous guy. You are right to distrust her for that,...but there isn't anything you can do about that. Whatever you try to prevent you end up just causing it to happen, which is probably what the previous guy did as well.

[bunnyhabit]

i agree with her you have zero faith in her and are treating her as your child not a girlfriend. i would certainly end the relationship if it was me being daddied by my lover. relationships are based on mutual respect not badgering and control by one partner. if she was gonna cheat she would not have told you about tinder or other guy she was dating platonically.

[mealybugpilot]

I was never jealous of her male friends. Never.

I was even cool with her going for a drink with this stranger from a hookup app. Even though she could have used something else to find new friends.

The one condition was that the same rules apply to us.

When I go out she expects me to answer the phone.

I asked her emphatically, to call me for a minute later in the evening, so I know my gf is not getting roofied in a foreign country. This is not tracking.

When she couldn't comply to this small and reasonable request, that's when I got upset.



I also don't agree with the sexist assessment. I have plenty of female friends who are more than capable of being rational.


And if it is not a hookup app, then why was she sooo insistent that I should delete it?

[Brokenheart9989]

I agree with PRW and bunnyhabit. You are treating her like a child. She's an adult. She has to have the space to make decisions for herself. She already has a father, she doesnt need you for that..

[PRW]

I was never jealous of her male friends. Never.

Your words aren't congruent with your actions

I was even cool with her going for a drink with this stranger from a hookup app. Even though she could have used something else to find new friends.
The one condition was that the same rules apply to us.

The rules invalidate the claim that your were cool with it

I asked her emphatically, to call me for a minute later in the evening, so I know my gf is not getting roofied in a foreign country. This is not tracking.
When she couldn't comply to this small and reasonable request, that's when I got upset.

Roofied is just your justification. There is nothing you could have done if she was, nor could you (or her calling you) prevented it from happening. If she was roofied she couldn't call, you'd never know if she was really roofied, and couldn't do anything about it either way. Bottom line is that you were jealously insecure about the whole situation. I'm not saying that 9 out of 10 guys wouldn't be the same or that even I might do that same,...maybe I would,...but it would be a mistake to do so. I'm just pointing out the situation for what it is. You aren't going to do better next time if you can't see that.

I also don't agree with the sexist assessment.

When a guy throws politically correct words like sexist at another guy he is just trying to shame him, shut him down, and is not open to listening. Men and women are not the same and it is by design. Pointing out those distinctions is not sexists, it is scientific. But I'm sure the PC police will go after the scientists sooner or later. In generations past men have had to have the compartmentalization, emotional armor, and calculating minds to hack each other apart with swords, shoot each other with guns, and blow each other up with bombs,...and keep on trucking, in order to protect their homes and family. The woman had to have the empathy and the emotional makeup to nurture the children and keep things together at home and to be the refuge for the man when he got back from protecting them. The two compliment each other and work together to make life what it is. How do you think women can communicate with babies who can't talk so much easier than a man? It's that women's "radar" that we talk about and why woman can usually see through a guys BS.

When I go out she expects me to answer the phone.
And if it is not a hookup app, then why was she sooo insistent that I should delete it?

She doesn't trust you. It could be an unwarranted projection of her own integrity,...meaning she figures she would cheat under such conditions and therefore she can not believe that anyone else wouldn't do the same (thieves think everyone steals, liars think everyone else is lying, criminals think everyone is crooked, etc). Or, at some point during the time you have known each other you have given her reason to doubt you.

Keep this in mind next time. Women will test you to see what you are made of. If she wanted or expected to cheat she would have just kept her mouth shut and done it. But instead she tested you. She presented you with this situation to see how you would react, to see if you trusted her. The correct response would be to say. "That's fine,...have a great time,...I'll see you when you get back! Maybe you could bring me a box of that [favorite candy or something from that country] when you come home. But instead you got all shook up and hit her with a bunch of rules and expectations (and posted about it here in a public dating forum). She wasn't upset by the rules and expectations directly (and she doesn't know you posted it here),...she was upset that you didn't trust her. When she got upset she emotionally felt you were being clingy, tyrannical, jealous, and a control freak. This isn't that hard to figure out and analyze.

[mealybugpilot]

Your words aren't congruent with your actions

What? I never asked to see conversations with her actual friends... only texts from strangers on a dating app.
We are monogamous ffs.

The rules invalidate the claim that your were cool with it

I asked her to communicate like we do normally. Goodnight call etc. She expects me the same when the tables are turned. This not tracking or tyrannical rules.

When a guy throws politically correct words like sexist at another guy he is just trying to shame him, shut him down, and is not open to listening. Men and women are not the same and it is by design.

Saying women are biologically incapable of being rational is blatantly sexist.
Evolutionary psychology is a pseudo-science. See Lewontin, Evelyn Fox Keller, Stephen Jay Gould, Steven Rose et al. But this is off topic.

She doesn't trust you. It could be an unwarranted projection of her own integrity,...meaning she figures she would cheat under such conditions and therefore she can not believe that anyone else wouldn't do the same (thieves think everyone steals, liars think everyone else is lying, criminals think everyone is crooked, etc). Or, at some point during the time you have known each other you have given her reason to doubt you.

No not really.Actually she is more of the jealous type than I am. Meaning she blows things out of proportion. Double standards etc.

Keep this in mind next time. Women will test you to see what you are made of. If she wanted or expected to cheat she would have just kept her mouth shut and done it. But instead she tested you.

I've been in healthy relationships before. This kind of testing the boundaries is a mark of a toxic relationship.


I have written here to collect my thoughts because she has the tendency to gaslight me.
Honestly I am surprised by the answers. I've asked the same question on a different relationship forum and all of the answers (around 20) took my side and said what basically DalM0m said. I have asked close friends: same result.

I consider the topic closed now. Thank you all!

[pcmaster]

Double standarts man. She dont let you use it but use it herself.

You have rights to use it too. And why does she needs male friends when she can get female friends on app like meetup.

Tinder is for meeting only if its groups. Meeting singles from there is using it as a dating app cause people there are FOR DATING.

Also she says she have met friends there. But friendship between guys and girl can exist only if both have been together and it didnt work, then they became friends or if one is not attracted to others looks.

Now your girl was attracted to his looks. On tinder you see only picture and there is no profile info - you just swipe by looking at picture - judging by looks. Also this guy liked what he sees so he swiped right. Mutual attraction right there.

[Minikimini]

(Mademoiselle) doth protest too much, methinks...

Hmmmm... that's a pretty flimsy excuse for using tinder.

No one who is above board gets extra like this.

The guilty always make the most noise.

I wouldn't be around when she gets back to town--as in no pick up from the airport and her on block. Let her figure it out since she wants to live that single life.

Do you think it's okay if I ask her to show me all the convos she is having with guys on tinder as kind of an ultimatum?

Never issue ultimatums unless you are ready, right in that moment, to act upon it. Unless you are truly ready to put her down, then keep this one to yourself.

[PRW]

I have written here to collect my thoughts because she has the tendency to gaslight me.
Honestly I am surprised by the answers. I've asked the same question on a different relationship forum and all of the answers (around 20) took my side and said what basically DalM0m said. I have asked close friends: same result.

I'm happy to be unique. Yeah I've been kinda hard on you here and you are in no way obligated to pay attention to me, but I believe firmly in the principles behind what I have been saying. Next time you run into a similar situation you should at least consider the things I said, even if you "don't buy it" right now. You may be surprised to find out I am right.

[smackie09]

Sure she's an adult and can make her own decisions BUT what she is doing is inappropriate and crosses relationship boundaries. She should have thought twice about what she is doing. If it makes your partner uncomfortable, then don't do it. IMO the OP is not being unreasonable. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable using a hookup app to find a fair weather friend, I would go to a local bar or cafe and meet a mixed group of people to hang out with.

[Hooo!]

Stop controlling her
Just let her do shit
And make sure you **** her brains out
And under ALL circumstances: don’t make her regret being open with you
That’s just stupid
Because if you punish her for being open then guess what
She’s not gonna be

[PRW]

Sure she's an adult and can make her own decisions BUT what she is doing is inappropriate and crosses relationship boundaries. She should have thought twice about what she is doing. If it makes your partner uncomfortable, then don't do it. IMO the OP is not being unreasonable. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable using a hookup app to find a fair weather friend, I would go to a local bar or cafe and meet a mixed group of people to hang out with.

I don't think she made the wisest of choices either. I'm being more analytical about it than trying to apply morals. Hooo! posted just below your post hit on a key point I'm making. He said she was being "open" and I agree, forget just for a moment about what other messed up thinking may be going on,...she was being open. Now you clearly have your act together better than most women so you probably never run into this yourself, but women do "test" guys and they don't always consciously know they are doing it. If she would have wanted to cheat she would have just shut her mouth and done it. Instead she told him what she planned to do.

It is well known that women will test guys by warning them that she is going to do something that would commonly trigger a jealous reaction to see how the guy will respond. If the guy gets mad, resists, flips out, and acts jealous or acts likes he does not trust her then he fails the test. She will feel like he doesn't trust her and that he is all the adjectives that this girl called this guy. She will no longer be "open" in the future, will be more secretive, and real actual cheating is almost inevitable. But if the guy doesn't get knocked off center, is calm, unworried, and acts like he trusts her then, she would be pleased, happy, and hold him in much higher regard, and more importantly her loyalty will increase. Because she would then respect him more she may likely not even do the thing she warned of doing and she won't be afraid to be "open" with him about other things in the future.

Would this particular situation worked out that way? I don't know. But I see a clear pattern of behavor here. He clearly failed this test. I don't think she will be as open with him in the future and I think any relationship is doomed here.

[TheEvilJester]

To be perfectly honest, I think this was a case of both of you being in the wrong a little. I cannot blame you at all... but I do think your approach could have been a little better. I don't personally agree with what some of the others have said that you should just be okay with her using tinder whether she claims it is just to find friends or not. I personally think she was very wrong there. Tinder is a dating app. I don't care if she SAYS she makes it clear to guys she has a boyfriend, Tinder is a dating app. Sends the wrong message.

However, by the same token, you can't necessarily tell her what to do or not do just as she should not tell you. So, I think a better response may have been something like "To be honest, I'm not really completely comfortable with that. Tinder is a dating app. If you really want to then I'd feel more comfortable if you at least made it clear you were in a relationship and only looking for friends. But, if I'm being honest I'd just rather you used something other than a dating app for that." I think that allows you to express your feelings without you basically telling her what her to do. Then just let her do whatever. Don't actually tell her yes or no. Just let her do it and hopefully she is true to her word and remains trustworthy. Honestly, if she isn't trustworthy you'd find out soon enough anyway. So, better just to let it be and just remain cautiously optimistic.

I also think you maybe went a little too far in asking her to actually send you screenshots of the conversations. Sure, she shouldn't have anything to hide... but at the same time you should give her some level of trust unless she specifically has proven unworthy of trust. So, that was probably a bit much. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you for that. I understand why you wanted that. I just think it probably would have been better not to go to those lengths.

I do think asking her to check in with you at the end of the day was fair... but I also do agree with her that she shouldn't necessarily be expected to do so in the middle of their dinner or whatever event they were attending. I do agree that when you are with somebody you should be spending time with them, not on the phone. Just as I am sure you'd appreciate her not constantly talking to people on her phone when you two were on a date..... BUT.... there's no reason she couldn't shoot you a quick text or talk to you on the phone briefly. ESPECIALLY considering she agreed to do that for you.

So, I do think, in all fairness, you could have handled the situation better.... but I also think she was in the wrong in many ways. Even more so when you consider it seems she has a lot of double-standards here and that is NOT fair. You two get serious and she basically demands you get rid of all your dating apps.... yet suddenly she decides she wants to use dating apps to find friends?! When you are out with other people, she expects you to answer her call right away.... yet she thinks you are being controlling if you ask them same? She sounds like a hypocrite to me.

I think what may be best for now is if you take some time to cool down and then talk to her when cooler heads have prevailed. Talk about things more in how her actions made you feel and why certain boundaries are important to you. As others mentioned, in the heat of the moment you can react a way that makes your complaints seem more like an attack/controlling even when you truly are being perfectly fair. When you can take some time to cool down and THEN discuss it you may get a chance to discuss more constructively.

So, tl;dr version of all that... There are definitely ways you could have handled the situation better yourself.... BUT, she definitely did violate some boundaries as well in my personal opinion. So, she was not right in the way she treated you. She complains of you dismissing her feelings and stuff like that, yet that is exactly what she's doing to you by expecting you just to be okay with an uncomfortable situation.