Person of interest wants me to support his conversations

[purplerain2010]

I have been talking to this guy for two months now and i am more on the listening side as this guy feels like he can tell me anything in the world and I will just listen but recently I realised that he liked to talk about his wild ideas of destroying a group of people he hates because of what they have done to his extended family and he keeps sharing this wild imaginations that has made me feel uncomfortable to respond and which by my principle I will not encourage. We like each other very much and I know he will not do these things in reality but his trend of thoughts on being violent towards these bad people is making it difficult for him to talk about anything else and he even wants me to support his conversations by encouraging it and sharing my ideas of what violent actions can be done towards these people. I am a peace loving person and he seems to have said that it will be a deal breaker between us if I don't allow or support him with this trend of thoughts that he has because i also believe that one thoughts will always influence ones action and I cannot imagine what he is capable of doing if he feels the impulsion to do something dangerous or to inflict harm to these bad people. He has already hurt himself when he saw the news one day and got so angry that he injured his own finger.

I have asked him to leave me alone for a few days as I am really sad that he chose to place his preference to have this kind of conversation over me and wanting me to decide whether to give in to this behavior or not.

What should I do when I don't wish for this to be the reason for us to part ways when we have so far liked everything else about each other? I have made more effort than him to show how much i like him and care for him that i feel he has not learned the art of impressing a woman and made this idiotic request to ruin it all.

[DalM0m]

Just tell him this line of discussion makes you uncomfortable. You can tell him that you don't believe he will do it but you need to shut down the discussion. Sometimes the more somebody talks about stuff like this the more real & OK it seems. If you point out to him that it's wrong, he might recognize how sick this line of thought can be.

[TheEvilJester]

I will 100% understand if you don't want to give any more specific examples, so don't feel you HAVE to just because I ask... but if you don't mind, I would be curious if you can be a tad more specific about what you mean. Is he prejudiced against a certain racial group, or something? And what sort of things has he claimed he wishes to do to them?

As it is, though, based on what you have described, I couldn't personally say anything in support of his attitude. I don't know what in the world happened to him/his loved ones to make him feel so violently about this group.... but no amount of justification makes it okay to treat any group of people like they are all the same. (I'm going to use an intentionally ridiculous example here...) If your family has repeatedly been mugged by purple people with blue hair... that doesn't mean all purple people with blue hair are bad, it means THOSE purple people with blue hair were bad. I could understand and forgive having some angry feelings towards those SPECIFIC purple people with blue hair... but not against them all as a group.

When it comes right down to it, though, you can't tell him what to do. If he insists on dwelling in this hate, you can't force him to stop..... BUT... by the same token, he cannot force you to join in the hate with him. So, if he feels that strongly that you need to support his negative attitude, maybe you are better off without him. That does have to be your decision, but that would be my personal suggestion. Anybody who talks THAT much about violent thoughts is USUALLY somebody who is likely to act on them. I think we all have probably said, at some point in our lives "I want to kill XYZ person..." but most of us never actually mean it. That, and we calm down, we move on, and we forget it. To me, the fact that he keeps saying these things, and that he feels THIS strongly about the things he says are not very good signs.

[smackie09]

" he seems to have said that it will be a deal breaker between us if I don't allow or support him with this trend of thoughts "

this ^^^^right there should be a dealbreaker for YOU.

[pcmaster]

Guy is kuku and you are not. He have issues and should see therapist if he plans just even if it in his mind, to destroy people. I mean why you should listen to this crazy shit. Cut that BS at its roots. Talking and communication is good but talking about same crazy topic again and again shows mental ilness.

[GLYC]

" he seems to have said that it will be a deal breaker between us if I don't allow or support him with this trend of thoughts "

this ^^^^right there should be a dealbreaker for YOU.

Exactly. This guy sounds like a nutjob He got so mad at something that he hurt his finger?
Real men control their emotions. I've been in a lot of stressful situations, i never hit anything..

That's a red flag.

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly. This guy sounds like a nutjob He got so mad at something that he hurt his finger?
Real men control their emotions. I've been in a lot of stressful situations, i never hit anything..

That's a red flag.

Eh, maybe. Even that, I'd kind of want to hear more specific details to truly judge. I mean, who hasn't hit an inanimate object out of anger at some point in their lives? Or stupidly/angrily kicked something hard only to hurt themselves.

So, I definitely agree that doesn't exactly sound good, but I'd still want to hear a little more before I rush to judge. ...Though, honestly. Based on the details she did share, I'm thinking you are probably right anyway.

[smackie09]

You have forgotten the fact that him being manipulative by saying "you have to agree with what I say and think if you want to be with me." now that's sick stuff right there.

[purplerain2010]

thanks all for your reply. to be specific, he is mad at a certain religious group especially the clergies in a specific country that is causing and has caused a lot of harm to other people and at one point to his extended family so to some extent I understand his frustrations but we have been talking almost every day and he would pick up this topic consistently with his wild ideas that makes me uncomfortable. he knew that i did not like to encourage his with this idea and he eventually mentioned that he wouldn't be very happy if I did not want to listen to him talking about it. I cried as I liked him but when he placed this issue as somewhat a condition, it just threw me off as I spent a considerable amount of time and energy to talk to him and i did the trip to see him after talking for a month since i was on holidays and had the time to travel so i didn't mind making that trip as an excuse to see a new place too but i eventually felt that i was making more effort in trying to make this work. So i told him not to call me for a few days now but today i had a really bad day and i just had to send him a message and to also let him know that i cried and got very upset. he apologised and agreed that it was not the right thing to say but i can somehow sense that he is no longer interested to make any effort to fix things. I have not been in any relationship and I really wanted to just try to get to know someone well but i feel very sad that it had to come to this point now where I am also doubting if he will really make any effort to convince me.

[TheEvilJester]

That, I can understand to some degree. It is a sad truth that a lot of people use religion as some kind of excuse for them being a horrible human being. It completely freaking baffles my mind how in the blue Hell they don't get the hypocrisy of that. They are using RELIGION... something meant to give us guidelines on how to be a decent human being and live a good life so we can go to whatever positive after life we happen to believe... and they use it as an excuse to treat others terribly. So, I can understand him having a problem with the SPECIFIC MEMBERS of that religious group who have wronged him and/or those who loves.

But, again, a few bad people do not necessarily represent and entire group. It is understandable if he hates the ones who have wronged people... but it is NOT okay to just blindly hate the whole group when some of them may be good people who don't condone the wrongdoings of the others in any way.

Frankly, though, his level of anger sounds excessive and unacceptable even if it WAS somewhat justified. And again, like I said... who among us hasn't angrily said "I want to kill XYZ person" at some point in our lives? Again, though, most people don't actually MEAN that, and once they calm down that visceral anger also fades. The fact that he dwells in that hate is NOT good and NOT healthy. For him or for anybody around him.

[Hooo!]

Bitter hateful violent man
I wouldn’t help you if I could

[smackie09]

This is the reason why you need to go through the dating process. It is how we can determine if they are stable and sound enough to make as a life time partner. In time you will realize that relationships are not all forever, and the right plan of action can be is to leave them, not fix them. In your case there is nothing that is fixable, and you are way better off without him. You can do better than him.

[GLYC]

You have forgotten the fact that him being manipulative by saying "you have to agree with what I say and think if you want to be with me." now that's sick stuff right there.

I agree 100%.