What to do now?

[Summersong]

Hi! I'm in a relationship for almost 6 years. We started dating since I was 14 years old and now I'm turning 20. We are very happy and I know I can't live without him. But I made a wrong decision 4 years ago and until now I can't get out of that decision. I have this friend, he is my crush since we are just a kid. He is my childhood crush and i call him as my "SUMMER LOVE". His parents are friends with my parents so our worlds are very connected. He lives in our province and I always went home in that place every summer. 4 years ago year 2014, I met my childhood crush again in that place and things went wrong because he talked to me and his friends told me that he has a crush on me too. My heart fluttered and I felt butterflies in my stomach when I heard that he likes me too. I almost forgot that I have a boyfriend and because of that my childhood crush became my summer love.

My summer love gets along with me everyday in our province and we talk about our childhood days. But after summer 2014, I went to the city to finish highschool. After that summer we did not communicate with each other even in facebook or text message. Then, here comes summer 2015.... I saw him again and I was very happy (I didn't told him about my boyfriend because I was scared and I don''t know what to do. I was not matured enough that time to handle the situation) So during Summer 2015, we enjoyed each others company again. Laughing everyday with our corny jokes and talking about our lives. After summer 2015, he lived in the city where I lived because we are in college already. So, even if it's not summer, sometimes he would contact me whenever he wants someone to talk about his problems in his family. That time, i just think of my summer love whenever I see him and I'm scared to tell my boyfriend about that guy.

Then summer 2016, We went home again in the province, and my boyfriend went abroad so we can't see each other and I felt lonely. My summerlove was there to make me laugh whenever I feel down and he asked me if I can be his girlfriend (He doesn't know I'm taken) I didn't told him I have a boyfriend I just rejected him by joking. Then he said, " Okay but if we reach 28 years old and we're not yet married, then let's marry each other" I smiled it was a bitter sweet feeling because I felt guilty for not telling my boyfriend about this. Days had passed and I thought my decisions are wrongs so I told my boyfriend via phone call that I'm sorry because I like someone else now and I can't fight the feelings. He doesn't want to let go of me. He said he'll help me to forget the guy (summer love).

After summer 2016, I'm happy with my boyfriend and things are okay with us. But my summerlove suddenly asked me to go out with him but I refused and I told him already that I have a boyfriend he felt sad (maybe) then after that, he shares about his crushes and girls to me. We talk about his problems. Then summer 2017, I went home in our province and tried to avoid my summer love. I cried because I miss him sometimes but I think It's time to let go of our summer love story. Then after that summer, he talked to me and asked me to watch his basketball games. So we get along with each other talking about each others problems. We drink together and remain friends. he had a girlfriend, but he still asks me to watch his games. I asked him why he still invite me instead of his girlfriend. "I'm happier when I'm with you" he replied.

He's aware now that I'm in a relationship so he's not flirting with me I think because whenever we are together, we just talk about our dilemmas and problems. I can't avoid him because he's depressed and his my friend. I want to guide him and help him to overcome his depression. We doesn't talk much in social media, we just drink sometimes. But my problem is, I miss him I always miss my summer love. I feel very guilty whenever I feel this because I know in my self that it will be better if I'll stay with my boyfriend. Until now, whenever I see my summer love, everything is in slow motion. I'm tired. Tired of thinking about this situation I can't help myself.

[DalM0m]

Your relationship with your BF is very long for one so young (even a few not so young). However you have no experience dating anybody but him.

If your friend is depressed, don't drink with him. Alcohol is a depressant so drinking makes things worse. Depression is also a disease. It's not something you can help a friend through. He needs professional medical care. Suggest he get into therapy.

I think you are not as fully committed to your BF as you would like to believe. You say all the right words & you try but you have been emotionally cheating on him for your entire relationship. You should have stuck to your guns in 2016 when you tried to break up with him.

You can date either of these young men out of pity.

Perhaps you need to drop them both & be alone for a year to get a better sense of who you are.

[Hooo!]

What would you ideally (realistically) want?