very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

[broken-confused]

Hello all, well i've done a lot of reading and before i begin I know that a lot of you are going to tell me to end everything and figure out myself.

So here we go. I was in a relationship for a year with someone that stole my heart like I've never felt before. Not even with my ex wife of 12 years. I never felt love like that and it was mutual. We had life plans, marriage, the whole 9 yards… It was a semi-long distance thing (about 90miles apart). But we were on the “2 year” plan to be able to live together in the same town.

She felt the same way i did. We were hard core in love. Like in the movies…

She had a perfect storm of life drama all happen around the same time between her grown kids, work, family, ex husband(been divorced for 3 years by now), financial, and health. I was patient and understanding, but i was not honest with how i felt about things, and it built up, then showed. I became needy and clingy and tried to “help out” too much when i should of stepped back and let her deal with her stuff on her own. It all came crashing down in about 1 months time and then it was over. She kept pulling away and I kept pushing for more. She couldn't deal anymore and said i changed. Which i did. I started only thinking about my needs instead of hers also. Needless to say the breakup took me by total surprise. In fact that last day we were together, she made it feel like she couldn't wait to see me again. Very confusing. I know she loved me with all of her, but i think between all the other drama and our distance apart it was all too much for her. To top it off at the end, i was talking with her friend trying to figure out what was going wrong and then I lied to her about it and she found out. Stupid of me, I know. We both hurt each other very bad.

long story short, it got ugly. Real ugly. She told me never to contact her or her friends/family ever again!

Well after a few months, i found something of hers and mailed it to her with a letter apologizing for everything i had done and asking her to clarify what really happened between us. she responded and said she that i started changing and it was bringing up red flags. I asked her why she never told me these things and she said she tried, but didn't know if it was her issues or what. We both failed by not being completely honest with how we felt. We started texting some back and forth and talked about being “friends”. In our texting she would make little comments. Some seemed like light flirting. She even sent me a selfie out of the blue saying “so i won't forget her”. She has been seeing someone and when i told her i was, she seemed jealous and made a few comments showing that. She did also tell me that no body has ever cared for her like i have. And she has said she misses my kids and even my dog. She has not said she misses me. But maybe she doesn't want to show that? Very back and forth confusing. Especially since everything is over text messages.

Now to the new GF i've been dating. She is wonderful and wants nothing but for me to be happy and to make me happy. We get along great and do and think the same about a lot of things. Even our lifestyles are the same. She knows about my ex and that i'm still fighting demons in myself about that and she wants still to be with me and she said she will wait if i need her to. I really like her a lot. I feel like i love her, but not in any way close that i did/do my ex. However, i think if i would of met her before my ex, I would feel more.

I haven't had one day go by that i haven't though bout my ex. And the thought of us trying again thrills me, but at the same time, i don't want to hurt my GF or give up on something with her that could be fantastic. I know i sound like a douche for even considering going back to my ex. But i've never felt that happy ever in my life before. Even now when i get a text by her my heart stops.

I really don't know how she really feels. If she really does miss me and has love for me still or just wants to really be friends. I do know that i don't think i can continue contact with her if friends is it because of the feelings i still have for her.

So i was thinking of sending her a letter, telling her how i know that i screwed up and that rebuilding trust is very difficult, but if she wanted to try, i would give it my all and be patient.(there was a lot more in the letter obviously). Part of me needs to know for sure that there isn't a possibility of this ever happening or working out again. I have never felt as complete as i was with her. and she always told me that i was her “home”.

So if i send this letter, there are three outcomes. 1. She does want to try and then what do i do? Break my new GF's heart and try, or say screw it and stay with her. and then if it fails again….

2. She says there is nothing left and doesn't want to. then i know for sure and I quit communicating with her all together.

3. She gets irritated with it and tells me to quit contacting her again.



Well, any advice would be great. Please don't hate on me. I'm really a nice guy and just want to do the right thing for everyone and follow my heart. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm very torn and it hurts every day thinking about all of this.

Thanks for all your help and support.

[cocacola]

First of all- let the new gf go. It is not fair to her that you are still stuck on your ex and she could be looking for her "one". Second, pick up the phone and call the ex and ask instead of a letter. To me it sounds like the ex does still care for you or she wouldn't be flirting.

[broken-confused]

First of all- let the new gf go. It is not fair to her that you are still stuck on your ex and she could be looking for her "one". Second, pick up the phone and call the ex and ask instead of a letter. To me it sounds like the ex does still care for you or she wouldn't be flirting.

Okay, I just need to ask a couple more things. I am an ignorant man BTW. LOL. So i'm not sure if she is really flirting or misses me or is just being friendly. If i could give you some examples, maybe you could help me out.

She rode quads like me. I asked here if she's been riding and she said not since she went with me. That she doesn't have anyone to ride with.

So i said "maybe we could meet up sometime in the future. I'm always down for a ride. I guess you never know what the future holds"
and she said "down for a ride huh?! Lol sorry....never know ��"

It was later that night that she sent me a selfie.(It wasn't taken just for me though. I kind of think she took it for her BF that is living in another state right now and she just sent it to me also.)
I did send her one back the next day saying "so you don't forget me" and she replied "I will never forget u. Or those blue eyes...."
She also told me that she didn't think she was making me happy anymore.
She does have a way of avoiding questions though.
I asked her this" For me when we split up. It felt like I lost a piece of me. Still does. Do you ever feel like that also?"
and she replied. "I am grateful for our time together. I've never had anyone care for me like you did."

So that's confusing. Does that me she does feel like a part of her is missing now? or ??? why not just say no?

Another thing, don't know if this is flirting or just talking...
I hurt my leg one day and told her about it. then i told her "it's throbbing" LOL.
she said " what is??! LMAO"

I just am so unsure. The guy she is seeing, he is living in another state for a couple years(just moved there) and i guess she won't see him but a couple times a year. She said " so i'm not any a real relationship anyways if that makes you feel better"

I'm so confused. It really feels like she does miss me and possibly wants something, but was just too hurt by how it all ended and too afraid of getting hurt or hurting me again.

Please women out there, really read this and tell me from a women point of view, is this flirting or "missing" me or is it just being friendly? Our contact has slowed down quite a bit. I haven't messenged her unless she contacts me, so it has only been once or twice over the last few days. I did send her a birthday card, she should be getting it friday. It's a sincere card, but sweet also, not suggestive. I kind of want to get a feel from her reaction from that before i do anything else. I was thinking about seeing if she would FaceTime me...

[cocacola]

Either she wants you back or is just a major flirt, but I think shes trying to get you back because A)She sent a selfie B)She said "I dont have anyone to ride with" sounded like she wanted you to ask her and C)She said in no real relationship only sees guy 2 Xs a year. D)Shes texting you

"I am grateful for our time together. I've never had anyone care for me like you did." could mean anything but the second part of that sentence is good.

I feel like she regrets the breakup and wants you back. Thats my guess.

[broken-confused]

I don't know, maybe it's just not meant to be. *It freakin sucks. *I love her so much. *Probably always will. *I wonder if too much damage has been done. *I do want her to be happy, but at the same time, we were so happy together. We really were. She even told me at one point that she hopes that her boys grow up to be like me. *Just a bad sequence of events that screwed up everything and me not being honest with how i was really feeling about things. *I keep hanging on to this thought of something happening again. *I wonder if i should just count my losses and cease all contact forever and focus on what *i do have in front of me. *But dang, this wondering if i could have her back... *It's killing me. *I just found out her son is back for a few weeks and she is also going to visit her brother this weekend. *So timing would be horrible to bring this up to her. *I will have to wait a little longer. *Killing me though.

lately when we do text she cuts it short. Like she is done. So hard to tell if she is just being nice now? Maybe she went through a small phase of missing me and now she's over it? God I hate this. I hate texting. But know is not the time to call, she will be busy with her son and her trip this weekend.

[smackie09]

Down the road she will be a distant memory....and you will look back on it and say to yourself "What the frick was I thinking?!" You will see how bad of a situation it was, and will be glad it didn't go any further than it did. You will feel like an idiot for getting so worked up over it. Right now you are simply obsessed, but that will fade for sure.

Yes you should cease all contact with her. Life is too short, time to get over it.

[broken-confused]

Down the road she will be a distant memory....and you will look back on it and say to yourself "What the frick was I thinking?!" You will see how bad of a situation it was, and will be glad it didn't go any further than it did. You will feel like an idiot for getting so worked up over it. Right now you are simply obsessed, but that will fade for sure.

Yes you should cease all contact with her. Life is too short, time to get over it.

Easier said then done. LOL. as far as being obsessed. I was when we first broke up. I was more obsessed with not knowing why she left. She gave me the "it's not you,it's me" bullshit. When we started talking again, that's when she finally told me what was going on.

Now i'm just confused and have that question in my brain of if it could work out. Is there a chance to get that back? I really do believe there is only one great love in your life. I feel like it was her. I may be wrong, maybe i will love someone more or harder than i did her and i will look back and think wtf. but right now i can't help how i feel. I really can't.

i mean seriously, if there is a chance of having what we had again?? am i stupid to pass it up or am i stupid to pursue it in case it fails again?

I know for me if i don't try, i will spend the rest of my life wondering "what if" and i don't think i will ever be able to give someone else all of me like i did her. However if i try and it doesn't work, then i will know.

I did find out yesterday that her oldest boy is home for a few weeks, and that she is going to visit her brother for the weekend this weekend. So it's bad timing right now to push the envelope. That was one of my flaws, I always brought up shit about me at the worst time possible. One of the things i learned about myself. When everything was screwed up, that's when i got butthurt and clingy and made things worse. I'm going to have to wait until next week if i do decide to do anything. I guess we will see what happens. I did send her that b-day card, so i'll wait for a response from that. I guess if i send her that letter, if she says no, then i have my answer, and that will be the last time we talk. I know i can't try to be "friends" with her. Or at least right now. Maybe someday way down the road. Maybe not.

I did text her that if she was traveling though my town for her flight, that if she has time before or after her trip, we could meet for coffee or something just to talk. I even said "if she can't or doesn't want to that's cools too. Just a thought." I tried to leave it light and friendly. That was yesterday afternoon around 5:00. Haven't heard from her since. So maybe that's my answer? But my freaking brain doesn't stop. I think, well if she didn't want to she would just text me and say no you should leave this alone and that's not a good idea. Or if she was done she would tell me that we should quit texting? I don't know. That's why i'm on this forum, to pick all your female brains out there.

So if you started texting your ex off and on. and you decided you didn't want to anymore, would you just keep responding out of courtesy or would you tell them you're done? Thanks ladies.

[smackie09]

I said down the road, when time has passed, you WILL get over her.

Anyways, stop responding and go no contact. It's the only way to get through this. AND focus on your new GF. Gosh how would you like it, while you were still with your ex and she was still mackin on her ex BF. Would that make you feel gutted? Stop being so self absorbed in your emotional baggage.

- - - Updated - - -

As for her reasoning for responding to texts, she's doing it out of courtesy because she is that way, doesn't want to be rude.

She didn't respond to that last message because she's hoping you will get the hint and the answer is NO. It's not a female anything, that is called avoidance. People do that because they are avoiding any drama that may occur.

[broken-confused]

Well she did respond. Took her a day to do it, she said that she didn't think it's a good idea to meet at this point. So i guess she is just being courteous. Still confusing why she would text me all that she did, and say some of the things that she did. Oh Well.
I think i am going to tell my current GF i need some time to get my head straight and tell her i still have feelings that i need to resolve. This sucks bad. I really thought i was past this and over her. Now i feel like i'm in this limbo of the unknown. I am going to send her a letter. I need to know for sure exactly how she feels. If there is a chance, then i have to try. I can't go through the rest of my life wondering what if. I'm sure i may come across like am obsessed with her. I'm not. I just love her. that's all. I don't know if any of you ever felt love like i did with her. It's a beautiful thing. I can't even begin to explain the feeling I had. It was amazing. All I ever wanted was just to make her happy. Sucks now that she's gone, but if there is a chance of re-sparking what we did have, then isn't it worth a try?

[Dearprudence]

Oh bless your heart!! I am going through something very similar. I posted my issue on here and on reddit. I did *not* get very favorable responses though. I understand your feelings of "what if" - I had THE ONE and it ended very badly four years ago. (My ex and I had very bad timing for our relationship and I always believed that it ended only because of that bad timing. But...what people on here have told me: if it was meant to be, then it would have been. Nothing would have been able to come between us then.)

My ex reached out to me and wanted to "come clean" and tell me about everything that happened back then. I opened the door *a little* just to allow him to share his feelings with me. I haven't encouraged it any further than that though. At this point, he continues to string me a long, attempting to maintain more contact, I think. I am very happy with my current boyfriend though and decided that it is too risky to continue talking to my ex. My ex really hurt me - and I mean REALLY hurt me - so I have been polite and cordial in my emails, but again, I haven't encouraged him.

I wish there was something better I could say - I can only tell you what I have decided to do, based on all the feedback I have gotten. And trust me, it hasn't been pretty. I also have always believed in "THE ONE" but I guess, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. I hope things work out for you - whatever you decide to do. But remember, ultimately, this is YOUR decision and whatever the consequences may be, you have to be able to live with it. Good luck...

[smackie09]

Actions speak louder than words.....she doesn't want to see you....that is how she feels about you.

[broken-confused]

Oh bless your heart!! I am going through something very similar. I posted my issue on here and on reddit. I did *not* get very favorable responses though. I understand your feelings of "what if" - I had THE ONE and it ended very badly four years ago. (My ex and I had very bad timing for our relationship and I always believed that it ended only because of that bad timing. But...what people on here have told me: if it was meant to be, then it would have been. Nothing would have been able to come between us then.)

My ex reached out to me and wanted to "come clean" and tell me about everything that happened back then. I opened the door *a little* just to allow him to share his feelings with me. I haven't encouraged it any further than that though. At this point, he continues to string me a long, attempting to maintain more contact, I think. I am very happy with my current boyfriend though and decided that it is too risky to continue talking to my ex. My ex really hurt me - and I mean REALLY hurt me - so I have been polite and cordial in my emails, but again, I haven't encouraged him.

I wish there was something better I could say - I can only tell you what I have decided to do, based on all the feedback I have gotten. And trust me, it hasn't been pretty. I also have always believed in "THE ONE" but I guess, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. I hope things work out for you - whatever you decide to do. But remember, ultimately, this is YOUR decision and whatever the consequences may be, you have to be able to live with it. Good luck...

sounds very familiar. Timing was horrible with us as well. I believe if we would of met the same way a year later, that everything would of turned out different. There was just too much bad things that was happening in her life on a daily basis towards the end and neither of us could handle it.

Oh well i guess. just hurts. Hurts to miss someone like that, I've even tried to focus on the bad parts and that hasn't helped.. I guess it just takes time. Lots of it. Yes, i've come to realize that she doesn't or can't see me. For whatever the reason, whether she just really wants to be friends or that she's afraid of feelings or whatever. I am done trying though. I need to focus on me and my future with what i have. It is hard. sometimes i do wish i would of never met her. Not because i wish i wouldn't of ever been with her, but because of this pain and hurt. Whomever said it's better to love and lost then not love at all is full of shit. I can tell you that for sure.

[broken-confused]

so i sent her this text for her birthday saturday morning.

“Every once in a while a beautiful soul comes into this world. Sometimes that soul is pushed, beaten down, and challenged over and over again. But because that soul is so beautiful, strong, and rare. It emerges above all odds and rises higher than any other. Shining bright and wonderful for the world to see.
47 years ago, one of those souls was born into this world. Yours! You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman. I’ve always been impressed and in awe of how you rise above like you do. And how no matter what is thrown your way, you still have love and compassion for those in your life and those that aren’t as well. I will always be very grateful that I got to share part of your life with you and be influenced by such a beautiful person.
I hope this day is great and you celebrate yourself all that you’ve accomplished. You deserve the best that life can offer.
Take care of yourself.
Happy birthday”

She sent me back a text saying

" you're so incredibly sweet. Thank you. ��"

But haven't heard anything from her since then. So i guess you're right... if she wanted to be with me she would say so. I just can't help but wonder if she is just scared and afraid to admit it. This really sucks. I think i need to just be alone. As much as it sucks. Until the day comes that i'm not thinking about her or missing her anymore. I can't fully give myself to someone else. God this hurts. feels like my heart breaks over every day. love stinks... Why do i have this heart that i do. i really wish i was hardened and cold sometimes. So i could never let anyone in to let me hurt like this. Damn I'm a mess....