Email from "THE ONE" after four year absence?!?!?

[Dearprudence]

I'm currently dating a wonderful man who I love dearly. We've been through a lot together but our relationship is still going strong. We've been together for about 18 months and living together for a little over a year.

Now...for the twist to my story. Four years ago, I dated the love of my life - he was THE ONE. You know, the one you've loved your entire life, have everything in common with, envision being with them for eternity, and everything is over the moon perfect when you're with them. The four months I spent in a relationship with him were really too good to be true. It was the culmination of a 20 year friendship and lots of underlying love that we were never able to express. Out of the blue, he breaks up with me after dinner one night, tells me that the timing isn't right, but he ends with "but...I always see our story ending with us together." He tells me not to wait for him though. I am beyond devastated and heartbroken. It takes me over two years to move on and start dating again. And...I don't hear from him for four years. At all.

...until this past Sunday night. He emails me and says that he has been thinking about me and feels badly about how he has treated me. He asks to meet with me so he can "clear the air" but certainly understands if I don't want to.

I am completely shocked and caught off guard by the email. I initially read it for what it is: an attempt to apologize and probably clear his conscience. But after sharing it with my best friend and my current boyfriend, they have convinced me that he likely is "testing the waters" and wants to see if there is a chance for us to be together again.

I finally responded and told him that I wouldn't be able to meet with him face-to-face, but that he could send me an email or call me on the phone to express his feelings (or whatever he needs to get off his chest.) He then asked if would be willing to email back and forth for "small talk" and to catch up.

At this point, my boyfriend blew a gasket and insisted that I end contact immediately. I have been 100% honest with him and showed him every email and every contact thus far. But...for some reason, there is a part of me who wants to reach back out and get my questions answered - to find out what happened 4 years ago, to find out what he's doing now, to maybe finally get an apology and some closure, and as bad as it sounds, I want to know if he has missed me too?!?!?

But...is it worth it to risk what I have now with a perfectly wonderful man? I have thought about "if the shoe was on the other foot" and I know I wouldn't like it either.

But again - THE ONE just has this crazy, indescribable pull on me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since Sunday night.
So - I need some advice. What should I do? How should I proceed? (I apologize for the lengthy post, but I appreciate any help from anyone who was able to read until the end!)

[DalM0m]

You're gonna go see him no matter what we tell you or how your current BF feels. Then this One is going to break your heart again because he's not the one. If he was, you two wouldn't have split badly. The only Q is will your current BF forgive you when you try to come crawling back to him

A bird in the hand . . . .

[GLYC]

I'd let him say what he wants to say, but I'd make it abundantly clear that I'm with someone else.

[Dearprudence]

No...I'm not going to see him. I've already told him that. And I still stand by that. I know that is a bad idea. I really need advice as to how or if to communicate with him at all?!?!? Like by email...

Nothing in person...

And after getting lots of other advice on another site, I don't think I will even email him any more. What's the point??

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I think you're right. That's the one thing I haven't put out there. I haven't told him that I am currently in a relationship. I will let him say his peace, but that will be the extent of it.

[GLYC]

Well to answer some of your questions.

Yes, he misses you. He wouldn't have reached out if he hadn't.

Hmm, I wouldn't email him a ton, you're with someone else now.
But. This is all personal opinion and based on what I've experienced.

Don't burn bridges or be rude. I would respond, but I wouldn't keep contacting him for weeks.
I never burn bridges, and it's lead me to date some people again in the future and create more great memories as a result. I'm not saying to lead him on per say, or bag on the idea that you two can date again. After all, although he dumped you back in the day, at least he communicated that he was no longer interested. And he apologized. So he has some type of moral grounds.

That's my opinion. Like how you described, that pull doesn't occur every day. It's rare to find people that youre drawn to like that. It's that great chemistry. I cherish people like that, although I also do realize that "the one" is a myth and there's multiple people that we can share that with.

However, I'd continue to focus on what you have going. It sounds like you're happy with this new guy. So keep going with that. You did what you were supposed to, you moved on when you got dumped. Never wait for anybody, unfortunately this guy did it to himself.

Which, it happens. He's probably dated enough in those four years where he realizes it's rare to find someone with the same connection he had with you, the morals you have, etc. Now he's looking back at how great that was.

[MortensOrchid]

Hear him out but whatever happens DON'T THROW THE MAN YOU ARE WITH OVER FOR HIM. He treated you bad once, he will again.

[DalM0m]

Send him a message then if you like but bcc your BF. Tell your BF that you are doing this.

I'd send a message something like:

I was shocked to hear from you out of the blue. Thank you for the apology regarding how badly you treated me in the end. After our 20 year friendship I was quite upset by your changed demeanor in the end.

I have moved on & am dating a wonderful man. Beyond your apology, there is no air that needs to be cleared.

I wish you well

Then I would treat your BF to something wonderful.

[TheEvilJester]

I think this honestly may be one of those times where we can offer our advice, but only you will truly know what is in your heart. Because I will say this, what you definitely should NOT do is to leave your current boyfriend to go back to your ex. In fact, I would personally not suggest going back to your ex at all. He would probably just wind up hurting you again. Of course, it isn't like we can know that. People sometimes CAN reflect back on their past and realize mistakes they made. Could be he'd realize what he had with you and honestly want to give that another chance.

But, it is just rare that a relationship works out if it already didn't before. Especially given the story you shared. It doesn't sound like there were any problems as far as you knew... he just suddenly decided he wanted to break up. Why exactly would you trust that wouldn't just happen again?

...BUT... as far as should you stay with your current boyfriend? That isn't as clear in my personal opinion. I'll put it like this... if I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend, I wouldn't exactly be happy if she thought of some other guy as "The One." So, the very fact that you are calling your ex "The One" leads me to wonder if your heart is really fully into your current boyfriend. And if you aren't THAT in love with him that is actually okay. You can't help who you do and do not love. But, if that is the case then you may owe it to him to let him go.

You say that you and he are great together. So, I do wish I could say that you two should stay together. That you shouldn't throw away something great. MAYBE that is actually the case. ...But, again, I just don't think it is necessarily such a good sign that you are calling some other guy "The One" and not your current boyfriend.

Now, if it were me personally, I would suggest you just drop all contact with the ex. You don't have to be rude about it, just give him a nice, polite message like "Thank you, but I'm happy now and it is better for me to just focus on that. Best of luck to you." But... you are not me. Maybe you won't feel okay unless you do finally get the closure from your ex. Finally talk, finally get answers. If that is the case, then that is what you should do. You should be 100% honest to your current boyfriend about it. IF that is a problem for him, you should understand that. If it is make or break for him and he'll feel he has to leave you, then you MAY just have to accept that. I would hope it wouldn't have to come to that, but if you need that closure from your ex to move on, then it wouldn't be right to deny yourself that chance.

We can all tell you what we think, but I won't deny this isn't an easy situation you are in. I can absolutely understand how you feel. So, it can be very easy for me, on the outside looking in, to say what I think is right. Thing is... maybe it is not right for you. But, I hope we've at least helped you even if just in some small way. Good luck to you in whatever you do decide.

[omgtotallyxo]

"If you're a bird, I'm a bird"--the Notebook. It's symbolism that whoever you love always come back.

I say meet up with this guy and see how it goes because you know you want closure. You will regret forever if you don't. You might meet up with him and then find out that you actually don't feel the same anymore. Or, you feel it is. The heart wants what it wants. I say find out the truth.

Your bf will be mad about it for sure. And you might lose him. But real love is stronger than that.

[DalM0m]

Real love doesn't intentionally hurt the one we love. The BF will be furious if you meet the EX, dearprudence & you know this.

You get closure from yourself not somebody else. You may see the EX again & realize that you are glad you are with your BF but there is no guarantee you will get closure. What is the price? Do you really want to do this to your BF? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

You do have to do what you think is best & the temptation is strong but please be careful & think about what you will lose.

[breathe123]

The thing is you weren't his ONE or he'd never done that to you & you'd be together with him & not your current BF now. Plus, you said you love your BF, and this upsets him so why make him feel like crap for a guy who once made you feel like crap. If it was me I would go with my current BF to meet him, if he doesn't want the present partner going to then there you have it, no meet up & definitely no little side behind the screens chats. If he has your home address he can write you a long explanation letter, if not then email you it instead.

[omgtotallyxo]

Wait...hold up. What were the reasons and circumstances surrounding the breakup? Then, we can tell you whether it's forgivable.

[TheEvilJester]

Wait...hold up. What were the reasons and circumstances surrounding the breakup? Then, we can tell you whether it's forgivable.

I could be wrong, but I believe that is sort of her question too. It sounds like, when they were dating, he eventually just ended it out of the blue. As far as she knew there were no issues, they seemed great together, and he just decided "the time wasn't right." Of course, about 999 times out of a thousand, excuses like that are just BS. Usually "the time just wasn't right" really means "there ARE reasons why I'm ending it, but I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." Therein, I think, lies the problem. She didn't get the closure she needed back then, so MAYBE she needs it now to be able to move on.

I definitely agree with others that she should find that closure in herself rather than to seek it out from him.... Especially given that it could hinder an otherwise happy relationship. But, maybe she's tried. Maybe she can't. Maybe, no matter the end result, she needs to talk to him to finally get that closure.

Whether you can find it within or ultimately do feel you have to talk to the ex, Prudence, I wish you the absolute best. I hope you finally do get that closure you need, and I hope it helps you to move on to whatever life has in store for you.

[Dearprudence]

Well to answer some of your questions.

Yes, he misses you. He wouldn't have reached out if he hadn't.

Hmm, I wouldn't email him a ton, you're with someone else now.
But. This is all personal opinion and based on what I've experienced.

Don't burn bridges or be rude. I would respond, but I wouldn't keep contacting him for weeks.
I never burn bridges, and it's lead me to date some people again in the future and create more great memories as a result. I'm not saying to lead him on per say, or bag on the idea that you two can date again. After all, although he dumped you back in the day, at least he communicated that he was no longer interested. And he apologized. So he has some type of moral grounds.

That's my opinion. Like how you described, that pull doesn't occur every day. It's rare to find people that youre drawn to like that. It's that great chemistry. I cherish people like that, although I also do realize that "the one" is a myth and there's multiple people that we can share that with.

However, I'd continue to focus on what you have going. It sounds like you're happy with this new guy. So keep going with that. You did what you were supposed to, you moved on when you got dumped. Never wait for anybody, unfortunately this guy did it to himself.

Which, it happens. He's probably dated enough in those four years where he realizes it's rare to find someone with the same connection he had with you, the morals you have, etc. Now he's looking back at how great that was.

That's an interesting take on it...it never even occurred to me that "burning the bridge" could be a bad thing. But also of interest - I told him over a week ago that he could email back with his thoughts, feelings, etc. and I haven't heard back from him. That may be my answer there...

Thanks for your help!!

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Real love doesn't intentionally hurt the one we love. The BF will be furious if you meet the EX, dearprudence & you know this.

You get closure from yourself not somebody else. You may see the EX again & realize that you are glad you are with your BF but there is no guarantee you will get closure. What is the price? Do you really want to do this to your BF? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

You do have to do what you think is best & the temptation is strong but please be careful & think about what you will lose.

I am finding that closure from within, as we speak. I have realized over the last week how truly valuable my current relationship is to me. Nothing is worth ruining that...thanks so much for your response and advice!

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The thing is you weren't his ONE or he'd never done that to you & you'd be together with him & not your current BF now. Plus, you said you love your BF, and this upsets him so why make him feel like crap for a guy who once made you feel like crap. If it was me I would go with my current BF to meet him, if he doesn't want the present partner going to then there you have it, no meet up & definitely no little side behind the screens chats. If he has your home address he can write you a long explanation letter, if not then email you it instead.

I agree - I have had other people tell me this same thing: if he was THE ONE, then we would have made it. We would have survived anything that came our way...so clearly, he wasn't IT for me. I have definitely decided to not meet him and I haven't heard anything back from him since last week. So there we have it...

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I could be wrong, but I believe that is sort of her question too. It sounds like, when they were dating, he eventually just ended it out of the blue. As far as she knew there were no issues, they seemed great together, and he just decided "the time wasn't right." Of course, about 999 times out of a thousand, excuses like that are just BS. Usually "the time just wasn't right" really means "there ARE reasons why I'm ending it, but I just didn't want to hurt your feelings." Therein, I think, lies the problem. She didn't get the closure she needed back then, so MAYBE she needs it now to be able to move on.

I definitely agree with others that she should find that closure in herself rather than to seek it out from him.... Especially given that it could hinder an otherwise happy relationship. But, maybe she's tried. Maybe she can't. Maybe, no matter the end result, she needs to talk to him to finally get that closure.

Whether you can find it within or ultimately do feel you have to talk to the ex, Prudence, I wish you the absolute best. I hope you finally do get that closure you need, and I hope it helps you to move on to whatever life has in store for you.

This is 100% true - that was my main question. WHY?? The break up caught me completely off guard so I have always wondered what happened. But even now, there is no guarantee that anything he says will be honest. The timing was terribly bad - and I *do* know that. He was recently divorced, with three small children. Bad, bad, BAD timing.
So that part was likely true...at least to a certain extent.

I am working to find closure within myself - and I mean REAL closure this time. Thank you SO much for your help and the well wishes!!!!

[TheEvilJester]

Well, so it sounds like maybe he has pulled a disappearing act again. Maybe he'll ultimately get back to you, maybe he won't. Maybe he is going to take you up on your offer to put his thoughts in e-mail form but is just taking time to get his thoughts together.

As it is, though, it sounds like you are starting to find that closure and inner-peace within yourself. On the surface maybe that sounds weird. You didn't have that closure all these years, and yet he STILL hasn't given it to you and yet suddenly now you are finding it in yourself? But, honestly, that CAN happen. Maybe him reaching out again just sparked something in you. Maybe you'd still like answers.... but maybe it made you realize that whatever answers he may give don't matter all that much to you anymore. That your life took you on the right path and that path didn't include him.

Hopefully you will find that peace and closure in yourself whether or not he bothers to talk to you about it. And, you never know. Maybe once you've finally achieved that inner-peace you will find that your boyfriend is "THE One" after all. It could very well be that it just took remembering why your ex was NOT the one to even more so see the value in what you have now. You never know where life may take you. Your ex apparently wasn't the one, and MAYBE your boyfriend won't turn out to be either.... but MAYBE he will. I think you are now, or at least are starting to be now, in a better place to truly and fully explore if your current fella may be the man you've been wanting.

Good luck to you!