Will he forgive me or should I move on?

[Lisi0702]

I’ve known my current bf for 5 years with occasionally dating on and off but this time it’s been consistent since Jan 2017. Six months into our relationship, we had a big fight and he told me he didn’t want to be together anymore. So in the month time span that we were separated, I spoke to 2 different guys include 1 sexual pic exchange (no hookups). Months later after we got back together he found those texts on my old phone. I apologized and since then have been making sure he feels comfortable in every way possible.

The other night he accused me of having sex with someone the night before and having “stains” on my skirt. I thought he had forgiven me but apparently, he has not. It’s been about 6 months of nothing being brought up about what happened until the other night. I’m taking it as though he has NOT forgiven me. I was pissed that he thought I’d stoop to that level on sleeping with someone else and then wearing that outfit with him. In order for us to move forward, he needs to forgive me and I asked him yesterday if he could and he said he’d let me know. How long do I wait? We can’t move on if he doesn’t forgive me for that mistake.

Any advice? Is he just being immature? He doesn’t handle these things well and tends to shut down. Should I break up with him??

[GLYC]

He's immature. You weren't together, you were apart for a month, there was no evidence you two were going to get back together. So you started to move on. You did nothing wrong.

The off and on stuff. I never understood that, youre supposed to be a team. Its communication, sorting through your problems, not walking away..

[rosyparkle]

To find the answer, just imagine if the tables were turned.

What happened between you and that guy hurt your current BF. That is a fact. What keeps two people together? Good feelings. That hurt does the opposite.

Whether your BF is fair or not, I can't tell. But on your part, I think you are paying little attention to how he feels. You are quite eager to be absolved of all the consequences. World does not work that way. Everything you do will have an impact, good or bad. Apology or forgiveness only go so far. The rest is mutual care. You guys clearly lack mutual care.

[Lisi0702]

You’re right. How do I become more understanding and sensitive to his feelings? I just want to move forward with our relationship.

[itina]

I want to wish you good luck

[rosyparkle]

Imagine what happened is like you tore a big hole on your wall. No apology can fill the hole. Even if you fill it, likely there will be a scar left afterwards. Moving forward with your relationship is like living in the house with a big hole on the wall. There is no quick fix. So far it seems like all you did was fixing the rest of the house and hoping he would forget about the hole. Well, it doesn't work that way.

Your problem may not be that he has not forgiven you, but more of he does not trust you. In his eyes, you are 'casual' about sex, and he has good reason to fear so. You need to start doing some soul-searching to find out how you can be more trust-worthy. That's the fixing the hole part. Fixing the hole will also take BOTH time and effort.

But the most important thing to remember is: You can't make him stay by bending yourself backwards. It's who you are (how you treat everyone and yourself) determines whether someone wants to be with you. For a big mansion, a big hole on one wall would not matter much. For a small house, a hole on the wall will be very devastating.