So Confused

[MizzLost]

Last Monday, I found my bf of 9 months on a dating app, actively seeking a relationship. I found this because the last couple of months, our relationship had been off. He was working a lot but also being a bit flaky and slow to respond at times. So, I made a fake acct on the site we met on and let it sit.

However, when we were together, everything was good. The last weekend he was here, he had his children with him and he was his normal fun, loving, playful self.

He was supposed to come back to my house once he brought his kids home, but said something with work came up and he ended up not coming back. The next day, he was supposed to take me to dinner after work, but when I asked him about it via text he seemed to avoid to confirm our plans. And finally said they had to work late but would be on his way as soon as he could.

I remembered my fake dating profile and looked. And there I saw he had viewed my profile. His profile is up to date and has recent pics.

I confronted him about it and he denied it, saying he deleted his profile and doesnt have the app on his phone. I wanted to believe him so bad, but the profile was showing online and people dont steal profiles and use accurate information. I told him if he wasnt happy with me, to please just tell me.

He said he was happy with me and only wanted me, but he wasnt ready to live together. (We had been discussing living together for a few months, he seemed open and excited about it). He said he was scared of the relationship failing and having to find a new place and starting over again.

I was too upset about the dating site to really hear what he was saying, and I felt he was deflecting, so I told him doubts were normal and he should have talked to me about them. However, I cant discuss anything until you can be honest with me. If you cant be honest with me then leave me alone so I can let go and move on, and please dont disrespect me again by saying that isnt you're dating profile. He said he would leave me alone and hasnt spoken to me since.

I've sent several texts asking him to talk to me, letting him know I didnt really want him to leave me alone, that I just needed him to be honest, but he hasnt replied. I sent my last text this past Friday telling him I did not understand how we got to this point but I felt he no longer cared about me. And I told him I knew nothing I said would change his mind and told him I was going to do my best to move on and wished him well.

Now, I feel like I'm dying and I dont know what to think or do. I know he lied and possibly has been cheating, but I dont know for sure if hes actually done anything. I'm questioning our entire relationship. Was it ever real? Did he ever actually love me? If not, why involve his children?

And I'm frantically trying to find a way to get him to talk to me, to know how he feels and what he's thinking. To know if I'm wasting time and energy hoping hes just having second thoughts and if he will ever realize he made a mistake and will reach out to me.

Please help me. I'm going insane.

[DalM0m]

You are not going insane. You simply don't want to believe the facts in front of you:

1. He has an active OLD profile

2. He is lying to you by denying it & who knows what else.

3. All these last minute work emergencies are cover ups for his other dates

4. Now he won't talk to you in a mature manner.

You are being played. The only Q is how long will you allow this to continue before you kick him to the curb.

[MizzLost]

I know you're right, but its so hard to see him as being that type of person.

And why on earth did he keep bringing his children around knowing he was just playing me?

I honestly just can't wrap my head around it.

[GLYC]

Yeah, it's a dating curveball. I'm sorry, that's a very hard situation to be in.
Any respecting individual would at least end things before going on a dating site.
So, he's a terrible communicator, he lacks loyalty, he's a liar.

"but I dont know for sure if hes actually done anything"
It really doesn't matter does It? He's actively looking at others and probably engaging with them.
Possibly just trying to get some prospects together, thats a deal breaker for me.
You were with him for 9 months.

Realistically? I think he reaches out to you in a few months.
However, I wouldn't take him back. Eventually he will likely do the same thing.
And do you really want to have to wonder if he is doing those things again?
Or having to monitor websites to make sure he isn't on them?
Forget that nonsense.

Don't chase after him. All that does is confirm that he can jerk you around and you'll still come back.

[MizzLost]

GLYC, thank you.

I did send him a few texts last week, but I sent my last one Friday. I know I shouldn't have sent any but I was just in shock....I still am. Everyone who knows us that ive talked to about this is shocked.

That's kind of why I'm leaning more towards he got scared than intentionally playing me. Idk though. Hes been divorced 2 years and I'm the first serious relationship since then.

[GLYC]

What do you mean by "leaning more towards he got scared than intentionally playing you"?

Like scared of the commitment?

I would say no if that's what you're thinking. The problem is you're looking for answers, you're trying to find answers to the questions that you're thinking about, like why he did this. However, he refuses to communicate, so you're trying to rationalize things and figure things out. The problem is, it takes two to tango. If he doesn't communicate you can't.

I also think that if that is your thought process, that you are possibly trying to rationalize things to reduce the pain. People will do more sometimes to avoid pain, than face reality.

[MizzLost]

Yes, like scared of moving in together. I asked him why he talked as if thats what he wanted and he said it was because its what I wanted.

Honestly, I wasnt ready for that, either, and was working up to talk to him about it.

[GLYC]

Regardless, that's not exactly a valid reason to join a dating site, is it?

That's something you talk and discuss with your girlfriend like a mature adult.

[MizzLost]

I agree. And I do keep coming back to that. Its like I'm playing tug of war with myself.