Can a love letter bring him back?

[Lonely_Girl86]

I have a complicated story. I am in an estranged marriage — we aren’t even always on the same continent. Several months ago I met a man online who started to very intensely pursue me. He was charming, and before I knew it we were cascading into that online-fall-in-love thing that seems to happen.

As luck would have it I needed to be in his area this month. Unfortunately, it involved some legal matters so my “husband” did as well. Online guy has had full disclosure and repeatedly assured me that he understood the scenario, though we openly discussed how I
would absolutely need to divorce if we met and fell truly in love as we felt we were via Skype video/phone/chats. For reference, we are both mid-30s, so this isn’t our first walk around the block. Also of note: he had a relationship with a married woman for ten years; she ultimately broke his heart.

Moving along -

When I arrived in state, he was elated to the point that he purchased a ticket to fly to my location that night. I initially freaked out — a mix of excitement and apprehension, reminded him I had legal affairs with “husband,” and then suggested our meeting place and told him goodnight (all via text).

He told me he landed...and then I didn’t hear from him. Also of note: he sent photos that clearly verified he really did go to the airport and past TSA. I even saw the menu board with that flight, which I verified online.

The next morning I wrote very excited, but for the first time in three months...nothing. Over the course of the day my notes went from initially playful (we often left cascading notes to each other on busy days) to concerned to eventually realizing he had backed out.

On the next day, he blocked and deleted me while saying nothing. I was shocked. I wrote him and essentially (poorly on my behalf — but I was desperate to understand) berated him into responding, questioning whether he was married or had some sort of life that meant we couldn’t pursue this. Just entirely confused.

He wrote me back and told me he did fly to me, but that I “went crazy,” so he changed his mind and left. I was absolutely BAFFLED by this. My texts were genuinely excited — not crazy! Though yes I did warn him my legal spouse (for now) is here. My best guess is he just couldn’t deal with that though I had already told him that was the case.

In the course of 30 hours he went from saying I love you and dying from anticipation to completely blocking me from his life.

What happened? And can I salvage it?

I pondered carefully before writing a very heartfelt letter apologizing for whatever came off wrong, telling him I was falling in love and that I really hoped he would give this a second chance. I also let him know I have asked my estranged husband for a divorce. I ended by asking him to respond and really just sharing how important he has become to me.

Was any of this real? What happened? Was the email the right way to go — will he respond and if so, might it take awhile?


Thank you in advance for reading along.

[MortensOrchid]

I think you should just let it go. A letter would look creepy. You can write one but don't send it, it's like therapy for yourself to get things out of you just don't send it.

[Hooo!]

I do not believe it was real
If he changed his mind because you „went crazy“ that’s a whole lot of unpleasant crazy right there

You wouldn’t want that it your life

[Lonely_Girl86]

I agree. He wrote me and totally flipped out to the point it actually frightened me. I think he has a lot of anger/rage/control issues that I just wasn’t aware of.

[Hooo!]

You didn’t know the guy in the first place.
So there is quite a lot you are not aware of me or of anyone.
However now you at least know that you and your husband are not for each other?

[Lonely_Girl86]

Maybe, maybe not. I told him a little of what happened — the nature of our relationship is pretty honest — and he complicated things by expressing how he’s messed up and wants a real chance to work. FFS! Lol

[Hooo!]

Do you love him?

[Lonely_Girl86]

I do. We just have a lot of baggage that always holds us up from working. We’re also very different people — he is an outgoing, charismatic, popular type. I’m the academic, introverted, analytical cat lady. Opposites attract...?

[Hooo!]

So you love your husband
You are attracted to him
And even tho he knows you almost had a fling he still wants to fight for you?

Where is the question?
Maybe that was the best thing that could have happened to your marriage ?!

[Lonely_Girl86]

Fair point and maybe so. We have driven each other crazy for years to the point that we avoid one another at all costs, but the experience with this psychopath definitely makes me think differently about what it means to love someone.

[Hooo!]

But obviously he does not want this
And since you love him you don’t want this too?

If this is true then you have the strong common ground of wanting a change for a wonderful relationship.
If my assumptions are true then you have the possibility to finally open up to each other and free yourself from old baggage