Should i take the initiative ?

[DonnaBella]

I fell in love with my former professor. I am 22 y.o and he is 33 y.o. He is a chemist scientist who spends most of his life on research, publishing articles, and making experiments. As I know he doesn’t have neither wife nor girlfriend. He was never married. He doesn’t drink alcohol. He is very responsible and self-controlling person. I am not sure about whether he ever had a girlfriend?

When I was taking his class, he helped me a lot, so I was very grateful to him. He showed many signs that he is attracted to me like he was always looking at me during class time, he was joking a lot and looking the way I reacted to it, he was teasing me and I just naturally felt his strong attraction to me. My best friend also noticed his special attitude to me. However, after a couple of time my professor told me that I lack life experience. At that time I didn’t seriously take it. Then I realized what he meant. He actually was saying that I am immature and probably childish for him. But still even after passing his course I saw him in the uni and I fell his attraction to me.

I also started to study French and thus asked him for a help. He is native French speaker. He agreed to help me. We were supposed to have a class during which we can speak French. On that day he invited to our class his colleague who is also a French-native speaker. So the three of us went to a coffee house and talked in French. When introducing me to his colleague, my professor told that I am seeking a husband in France; to which I rashly responded that I am not going to marry in my next 10 years because I want to make my career ( I am from very traditional central asian country where girls usually marry early). He was laughing at it and during our conversation he mentioned again about marriage. I don’t know was it a sign ? But he always teased me, so I didn’t pay attention.

Also, I noticed that when we are alone, both of us feel a bit awkward when it comes to speak about something different from lectures or class.

Once me and my mother went to a restaurant where he was sitting with his friends and colleagues. He noticed me and got scared. At first I didn’t notice him but then I felt that someone was staring at me and then hiding after the door. They were sitting in one private room, so when they finished, he went out and wanted to pass unnoticed. Then I saw him and said hi and then introduced my mother to him. He turned red and was very shy. Even my mom noticed it and told me that my professor is very shy. All those small occasions showed me that he is not indifferent to me. My feelings grew up to him every day. But then I suddenly heart that he is leaving because he accepted a new position in other uni in London. I was very sad about it. I decided to forget him. However, I failed.

After half a year he came to our uni again because of his work and gave a lecture as a guest in our uni to which I came. And guess what? I still like him. He was again looking at me, joking a lot and teasing. I am sure that he related to me different as to other students, female-students. There is definitely something more what he feels for me than just as a professor to his probably favorite student. He arrived only for a week and then he left again.

I recently graduated from that uni and now I am planning to proceed my studying in London. It’s not just because of him. My decision was mainly based on the quality of education. But the fact that he lives there now pushes me to try to start relationships with him. I really do like him a lot. I want to know him better. But from his side there was no initiative which I explained to myself as his shyness or uncertainty and also academic restrictions on the romantic relationships between prof and students.

So can you help me by giving me advice and telling whether it is ok if I take initiative and start dating him ??????? And what kind of tips can you give me?????

[TheEvilJester]

Is it okay for you to take initiative in asking him out? Absolutely it is okay. I am sure it would have been nice if he asked you first, but it isn't like there is some law saying the guy HAS TO ask first. As a ridiculously shy guy myself, I can confirm that him NOT asking you out does not necessarily mean he is not interested. In fact, I can't know this for sure, but based on what you've described my guy reaction would be that there was at least some interest on his part.

Again, not like I can know that for sure. To be perfectly honest, I think given the situation you describe, my advice would be to just go for it. Being 22 and 33 is not such a big difference. Just as an example, it is much different from being, say, 18 and 29. That's the exact same numerical difference (11 years), but yet very different in practice. At 18 you are still very young, still very much a kid even though you are legally an adult (in the US anyway, not sure the age in other countries). But you really aren't an adult yet. So 18 and 29 are maybe not so compatible (generally, anyway) but 22 and 33 could be.

So, with the age difference covered.... it sounds like you two are no longer in a professor/student capacity. Unless the new university you will be attending happens to be where he works. If so, then maybe it would be best to wait. But, if not then you are now officially not professor/student, you are just two people. So, no reason for awkwardness or any concern of impropriety there.

But, honestly, the most important reason why I personally think you should just go for it.... If you don't there will be part of you just left wondering "what if?" Possibly forever. Even if you ask him out only to be rejected.... at least you know. Sure, it would suck, but at least then you know and can move on. But... what if you ask and he happily accepts? Wouldn't you be kicking yourself for even considering not trying? Does he like you? We can't know that for sure any more than you can. It certainly sounds like there is at least some interest on his end. Maybe he had reasons for not asking, or maybe he truly was just too shy. Believe me, I know from experience that us shy guys can want to ask a girl out VERY badly and yet still never do it. Unless he suddenly decides to ask you out, the only way you'd ever know is if you take the initiative first. So, I say go for it!

Best of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

I don’t understand the question?
Is starting a relationship ok?

I don’t get what you are even unsure of or I just totally fail to see the problem

[DonnaBella]

Is it okay for you to take initiative in asking him out? Absolutely it is okay. I am sure it would have been nice if he asked you first, but it isn't like there is some law saying the guy HAS TO ask first. As a ridiculously shy guy myself, I can confirm that him NOT asking you out does not necessarily mean he is not interested. In fact, I can't know this for sure, but based on what you've described my guy reaction would be that there was at least some interest on his part.

Again, not like I can know that for sure. To be perfectly honest, I think given the situation you describe, my advice would be to just go for it. Being 22 and 33 is not such a big difference. Just as an example, it is much different from being, say, 18 and 29. That's the exact same numerical difference (11 years), but yet very different in practice. At 18 you are still very young, still very much a kid even though you are legally an adult (in the US anyway, not sure the age in other countries). But you really aren't an adult yet. So 18 and 29 are maybe not so compatible (generally, anyway) but 22 and 33 could be.

So, with the age difference covered.... it sounds like you two are no longer in a professor/student capacity. Unless the new university you will be attending happens to be where he works. If so, then maybe it would be best to wait. But, if not then you are now officially not professor/student, you are just two people. So, no reason for awkwardness or any concern of impropriety there.

But, honestly, the most important reason why I personally think you should just go for it.... If you don't there will be part of you just left wondering "what if?" Possibly forever. Even if you ask him out only to be rejected.... at least you know. Sure, it would suck, but at least then you know and can move on. But... what if you ask and he happily accepts? Wouldn't you be kicking yourself for even considering not trying? Does he like you? We can't know that for sure any more than you can. It certainly sounds like there is at least some interest on his end. Maybe he had reasons for not asking, or maybe he truly was just too shy. Believe me, I know from experience that us shy guys can want to ask a girl out VERY badly and yet still never do it. Unless he suddenly decides to ask you out, the only way you'd ever know is if you take the initiative first. So, I say go for it!

Best of luck to you.

thank you for your answer! you gave really good tips) but how can I show him that I am mature enough and want to start serious relationships with him? what if I invite him for coffee, he will come, we will talk as usually, and he won't phone me back and invite for dating? what if he will still have doubts about me and him?

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly... what if is too dangerous a question. Why worry about it? Just try and find out. Try, see how it goes, see how you feel, etc. For example, you ask what if you ask him out to coffee, you two do that.... but then he doesn't call you or make a move to set up a second date.

....Well.... ask yourself if the coffee date seemed to go well. Did he seem to enjoy your company or did it maybe seem like he was just being polite? If it seemed like he genuinely enjoyed your company, then maybe just try asking him out again... but this time be sure it is more clear that it is actually meant as a date and not just a friendly get together. I mean, you shouldn't HAVE to beat him over the head with it. LOL! So, eventually if he never makes the initiative you may be better off just throwing in the towel and moving on.

But, at least initially, don't worry about all the what ifs. Just go for it. Just try. You seem to get the impression he is kind of shy. I am RIDICULOUSLY shy. Complicating that, I also have this lovely and exaggerated sense of self-doubt to the point where I refuse to let myself believe a woman could ever be interested in me. So, honestly, a woman could probably damn near throw herself at me and I'd still be completely oblivious, or at best thinking to myself "Naw, no way. I'm imagining it." And thereby convince myself not to even bother because in my own mind (whether this is even true or not) I KNOW nobody could ever like me that way.

Okay, I am an EXTREME (ridiculously extreme) case. LOL! And maybe I'm exaggerating a tad... but my point is if he's as shy as you think it may take a little coaxing at first. At the same time, though, if you have to basically drag him through every step of things then either A) he's not interested after all or B) he's not worth the effort. As ridiculously shy as I am, as little as I believe in my likelihood of finding love, even I eventually DO pull my S together if/when the situation actually arises. So, don't waste too much time if it seems way too much effort to get him into things. But, why not give it a try?

What if is such a dangerous question.

[fearoflove]

Go for it. Give him some hints, touch him. See how he reacts. If he springs away, you know he isn't interested. But if he comes closer, he is interested.