Boyfriend in love with his sister?

[lovemuffin]

Hi all. I would like to start this thread with just asking a question relative to the issue first.

How would anyone here feel if someone you were dating a little while one day mentioned his sister (or brother for the guys here) followed by "My sister is soooo beautiful! People say she looks like (celeb name) but I think shes prettier!"

[TheEvilJester]

How would I feel? I don't know because such a situation has never presented itself. But, hypothetically, I think I'd be extremely uncomfortable with that kind of comment. It's one thing to be able to acknowledge that your blood relative is an attractive person. I sort of think of it as being similar to a straight guy being able to acknowledge that another guy is attractive. I myself am straight, but I can admit that Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson is an attractive dude. It doesn't mean I am attracted to Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson (he said, hoping people believed him. LOL!). I'm only attracted to women. But I can admit that he is an attractive guy.

So, by the same token if I had a sister (I only have brothers) I could acknowledge that she was beautiful.... but I wouldn't be ATTRACTED TO her because she's my sister. I would not be capable of thinking of her that way.

To say his sister is "sooooo beautiful" and go on and on about how she's even prettier than some celebrity people think she resembles.... that sort of makes it sound like he's attracted to his sister. UGH! I mean, of course, maybe he didn't mean it that way. I certainly hope he didn't mean it that way. But... yeah, I think I'd be thinking twice about somebody who worded it like that when describing a relative. LOL!

[GLYC]

It's just a kind comment. I would take it as he has a great bond with his sister.

Parents say all the time, "My daughter is beautiful", that doesn't mean dad's or moms are sexually attracted to their kid.

[Hooo!]

Just because i think someone is hot doesn’t mean I have to or want to **** them...
My wife says that her sister is hot
And it’s true

[lovemuffin]

OK so I didnt think too much of it at the time either in part because I later found out she had had an article in the local paper regarding how much she looked like the celeb. But one day she was sitting in bikini in a lounge chair. He was really taking in her appearance as he stood over her and seems like could barely contain himself. After a few minutes he finally reached down and tickled her foot. She slowly drew it back and seemed a little uncomfortable (maybe just because I was there)? When they see each other they give each other very long hug and kiss and say I love you over and over a lot of the time especially when getting off the phone. He has four sisters and this one has been the nicest and most helpful through their difficult childhood.

One of his sisters was getting married. We were fighting around that time and seemed distant the day of the wedding. I told him I was really looking forward to dancing with him. He had hurt his back a few days before and said he didn't plan on dancing at all that day. About an hour later his sister I feel he's in love with motions to both of us to go dance with her on the Dance Floor. He literally jumped out of his seat and ran over not even looking back at me and dance with her in a very sexy way (although they are latino so partly just the culture). I sat in my chair stunned then slowly went over to the dance floor and started to try to dance with them. He completely ignored me. She tried to include me but I finally said "oh no it's okay just you to dance" and felt angry but not sure it showed. Humiliated I walked back to my table. There was no one else on the dance floor so everyone in the room probably saw this. A few minutes later I went out to the parking lot and was out there for a half an hour. When I came in he said "where did you go?" kind of angrily and asked me what was wrong. I told him how I look forward to dancing with him the whole day and he refused to dance with me but as soon as his sister ass jumped up with her. he apologized and told me to go dance with him which we did.

He has struggled with alcohol a few times in his life and fell back into his drinking ways after a bad argument. During that time I would talk with his sisters about his progress etc... At one point he said something very repulsive to me and we ended up putting his sister on speaker phone to discuss with her at his suggestion. She took my side told him to leave me alone and go home and work on himself to which he was seemed shocked. He said to her "Thank you very much for your f****** advice". She pause and then said "Are you talking to me?" He didnt answer so I finally told her yes he was talking to her. He responded "then don't call me anymore with your problems" and hung up. After she hung up he said "F*** her.. telling me how close we are and talking to me like I'm her boyfriend. Let her go cry on her real husband's shoulder about her issues."

Things got patched up a couple weeks later and I was talking to her about any issue with him and she said "Look I am the love of his life.. he would do anything for me.. he would kill for me. When you are presenting a problem to him just say 'Would you want to see your sister with a guy like that?' " etc....

Between him saying "Talks to me like I"m her boyfriend" and her saying she is the love of his life it led to a big argument between us and me finally asking him "Are you in love with your sister???" His response was "She's married". ???? I said "Thats your response???N Not she's my sister???" He said "Well yeah that too duh!"

[smackie09]

Their dynamic, maybe it's not sexual, but maybe it is, who really knows, the thing is you find this too weird. This isn't going to change so, get out while you can. Just leave.

[lovemuffin]

My question here is.. would/do others here find it too weird?

BTW.. when I confronted him especially about the "talking to me like I"m her bf" he said he meant talking to her about her bf... like she tells has told him stuff about her relationship with her husband. I can almost believe that since he often says things in ways that aren't always real understandable in general in part I think due to him confusing between english and spanish phrasing a lot.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I'm perplexed at how nobody else seems to think it is weird so far. So, maybe it isn't all that abnormal, I don't know. To me, it isn't so much the fact that he thinks his sister is beautiful. Again, as I said, I would hope a supportive loving brother would think that. It's more the way he goes on and on about it. The way it seems completely unsolicited. Like, unless I misunderstood, it didn't sound like you were saying "Hey, your sister is really beautiful" and he agreed. It sounds like he felt the need to volunteer the information that he thinks his sister is "soooo beautiful" and so much more beautiful than some celebrity.

Now that you've shared even more of the story, I've heard nothing to make me feel any differently. Yeah, it is great for families to be close, but there is a reasonable level to that as well. And I also agree with you on his reaction to being confronted with it. You ask him if he is in love with his sister and his gut reaction is "She's married." Seriously?! If she wasn't married, what would have been his reaction? Shouldn't "No, she's my sister" been the first thought?

I'll tell you what though... let's take the whole "possibly in love with his sister" angle out of it for a moment. I think the much more important issue (at least it seems to me) is simply that he doesn't treat you like enough of a priority. Sure, family should be a priority. But, if you two were ever going to become serious as a couple, eventually you would become his family. Maybe you two aren't there now, but eventually you should be his top priority. But right now his actions don't seem to prove he can make you a priority at all.

I am 100% with you in how you felt on that dance floor. You had told him all day you wanted to dance with him, but he didn't want to due to his back. I COULD understand that, but then literally the second his sister asks he is up like a gunshot. And what's more, he ignores you on the dance floor like you don't even exist. Reminds me way too much of an ex of mine. Not specifically on the dance floor, but just in life in general. We'd hang out with mutual friends together. It would be like I was there hanging out with our friends and her.... our friends where there hanging out with her and me.... she was there hanging out with our friends. With her, it was like I might as well have not even been there. So maybe this hits home for me a little too much.

But, either way, it doesn't sound to me like he treats you like a priority to him. And that either does have to change... or you deserve better. As for their family dynamic... I don't know. Maybe that isn't so weird after all. I certainly think it is borderline inappropriate, but some others didn't seem to think so. I could be wrong. But, no matter the family dynamic, he needs to make YOU feel more attractive to him than any woman, much less a family member he shouldn't be finding attractive anyway. Hopefully he can do that. If not, then maybe he doesn't deserve you.

Best of luck either way.

[lovemuffin]

In fairness... We had been fighting the day before the wedding really badly. He told me that's why he was kind of ignoring me all day and on the Dance Floor.

Also when we get into a really bad fight he sometimes starts going off on saying really mean things about my appearance (double chin...short...fat.. which I have put on weight... and that he can get a hundred times better than me). He tells me later he was only saying it because he was mad at me and felt like I was about to break up with him.. it was my gut feeling that's why he was doing it also not to say it still didn't hurt.

During the recent thing about his sister I said to him at one point " okay so nobody's perfect... Tell me something that's not perfect about your sister's appearance". He said I don't look at her like that... she's my sister. I said well you know what she looks like and you think she's beautiful so yeah you must know about some of her imperfections as well. He refused to answer.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, see none of this is making me like him any better. He's perfectly willing to hurl insults at you like a petulant little child, deliberately wanting to hurt you... yet can't seem to find even one little thing about his sister's appearance that isn't perfect? I mean, honestly, not that he SHOULD be commenting on things that are not perfect about ANYBODY'S appearance. More so, what makes me personally not like this is simply the fact that he criticizes YOU.

I don't know. We definitely all do and say things we regret later and don't really mean when we are upset. Anybody who tells you they never do is a liar. None of us are the best example of us at times of heightened negative emotions. But to me there is a big difference between angrily arguing rather than deliberately saying hurtful things. To be perfectly honest, if I were you and he was telling me he could do a hundred times better than me, my response would be "fine. Go ahead and try. Good luck and goodbye." Truth be told, YOU could probably do 100 times better than HIM.

And, again.... as I often say, take my thoughts and advice with a grain of salt. I only know the little bit of the story you've shared with us. I don't know day to day him. Maybe 24 hours of the day 364 days a year he's awesome, amazing, and all that and it's just that 1.25 days a year he can be a jerk. I wouldn't know. So, maybe I am over-reacting... which is very possible given how much he reminds me of my ex, and it took me WAY too long to realize I deserved better than her. I hate to see other people make the same mistake.

So, you would really know better. Maybe these are just minor issues that you and he can talk out and improve. I just know that, at least based on the details you have shared with us, I'm not too fond of this fella. I, myself, ponder whether maybe you deserve better than him. And, hey, truth be told it is even possible HE could be that "better" himself. But, if not then maybe you deserve the chance to find somebody who will appreciate you the way you deserve. Let him go crush on his sister all he wants. LOL!

Good luck to you either way. I hope it works out for you in the happiest of ways, whichever path that winds up being for you.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks for your input everyone. I actually love that he's close to his sisters and like his sister in question a lot. I just want to make sure there's not some weird infatuation going on or secretly he's always been in love with her... that would probably be a deal-breaker for me.

[TheEvilJester]

I do agree with what amitkr had to say. I should really have even touched on that myself. Because I definitely agree you can't dictate to him how his relationship should be with his sister. Hopefully my advice didn't imply that since that wasn't my intention. I still definitely DO agree that eventually you should be treated as his top priority. Even if you two aren't there yet, if you continued to become more and more serious, I do not think it is an unreasonable expectation that you should become his top priority. (Which, of course, doesn't mean he doesn't have other people who are also a high priority. Just means that if you eventually became his long-term girlfriend, his fiance, his wife, it isn't unreasonable to expect you should be the most important person in his life.)

However, it should not be because you force him to do so. When it comes down to it, if he is unable to treat you as the priority he should, and you are not okay with that, then it is likely better to just part ways rather than to expect that to change.

Anyway, as far as whether or not he's secretly always been in love with his own sister.... I think chances are you'll never really know that for sure. Even if he was, he would probably never actually admit to it. Speculation isn't really going to do you much good. So, as amitkr says, it really is more about what you need out of a relationship and does he provide that or not? Honestly, though, I'd be right there with you if it were me in the same situation. I would not feel like I was being treated as a priority.

Best of luck.