Could i ever trust her for a serious relationship?

[Hooo!]

It's just, I've always personally felt if a relationship is going to end, it is going to end of its own accord. If it wasn't going to end you certainly shouldn't try to make it end. If it was inevitably going to end anyway, you shouldn't egg it on to help it end. Again, though, I don't know if maybe I'm just too old-fashioned.

And this is exactly where I disagree what sleeping with someone else means

If the person you sleeping with maybe needs that act to make themselves clear of the end (or continuency?) of their relationship then that is their decision.
If they want it for whatever reason, can I or should I say: no! Your decision is not right, so I will decide what is best for you?
If I want to sleep with them then it's their decision if they want it too
Maybe that's exactly what they need
Maybe you are helping them make the right decision (whatever that may be)
Maybe they are just reclessly damaging a happy relationship
But they are adults
They know what they are doing
And they have every right to decide that on their own. And you have no right whatsoever to decide that for them

[GLYC]

I disagree.

Think of it like this. Could you morally sleep with a woman who has a husband and kids waiting at home for her and think that's okay? I couldn't. Even if she's unhappy in her marriage I couldn't. Morally, I think it's wrong. And the people that engage in that, don't be surprised when you get cheated on. You reap what you sow.

I think, people need to do the right thing and end unfulfilling relationships if they're not happy with them.

Not live a dishonest life.

I think that's important to live that way. And the reality is, you should want nothing to do with people that are liars and cheaters if you're looking for a healthy, long term relationship, I will be the first to say that if you think otherwise, you're wasting your time.

People can do whatever they want, yes. But morally, I think that it is wrong.

[MsLondonB]

TheEvilJester can be too kind sometimes. That girl is an emotional mess. When you love someone in the military, that is a very difficult thing. You are either committed or not. She seems desperate for attention and affection. If you are ok with an occasional make out session, then go for it. If you are looking for a serious relationship, I think it is obvious you are not going to find one with her.

Agree with Snow White. She's an attention wh*** but she's 21 so par for the course.

You also said she been with her bf for 7 years, so she's been dating him long distance since she was 14? And he was 15??? She's far from ready for what you seem to want, if you were smart, you'd recognize this and walk away, but we're always not so smart when it comes to matters of the heart, so good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

And this is exactly where I disagree what sleeping with someone else means

If the person you sleeping with maybe needs that act to make themselves clear of the end (or continuency?) of their relationship then that is their decision.
If they want it for whatever reason, can I or should I say: no! Your decision is not right, so I will decide what is best for you?
If I want to sleep with them then it's their decision if they want it too
Maybe that's exactly what they need
Maybe you are helping them make the right decision (whatever that may be)
Maybe they are just reclessly damaging a happy relationship
But they are adults
They know what they are doing
And they have every right to decide that on their own. And you have no right whatsoever to decide that for them

I don't personally agree... but I do definitely agree on part of what you said. That it is the responsibility of the person in the relationship (not you as the person outside of the relationship) to decide if they respect their partner enough not to cheat. I still don't personally think that makes it right to be a willing participant. ESPECIALLY if you were the one to instigate the activity. Maybe SLIGHTLY different if the person in a relationship was the one trying to instigate things. Though, I still would want nothing to do with her if it were me.

This has been an interesting conversation, though, I must say. I always enjoy a conversation where people can disagree... and yet do so respectfully. Sadly that is so rare on the internet these days. I mean... I guess it is rare in general... but especially on the internet. LOL!

I disagree.

Think of it like this. Could you morally sleep with a woman who has a husband and kids waiting at home for her and think that's okay? I couldn't. Even if she's unhappy in her marriage I couldn't. Morally, I think it's wrong. And the people that engage in that, don't be surprised when you get cheated on. You reap what you sow.

I think, people need to do the right thing and end unfulfilling relationships if they're not happy with them.

Not live a dishonest life.

I think that's important to live that way. And the reality is, you should want nothing to do with people that are liars and cheaters if you're looking for a healthy, long term relationship, I will be the first to say that if you think otherwise, you're wasting your time.

People can do whatever they want, yes. But morally, I think that it is wrong.

Yeah, GLYC pretty much mirrors my own thoughts here. I also sort of think of it like this.... say for example a friend of mine robs a bunch of local businesses and gets quite a bit of money out of the deal. I know he has stolen that money. My friend then offers to buy me something nice/expensive with the money. Well.... I didn't steal the money, he did. So, does that make it okay for me to accept his "gift?" Some might say yes, I personally say no. I would not be okay with accepting anything stolen or that came from stolen money. I sort of think of it similar to that. Sure, if you sleep with somebody who is already in a relationship, YOU are not the one cheating. You're not in a relationship, they are. But, like I said, I would just personally feel no less bad. Heck, I'd maybe even feel worse because instead of screwing up my own life, I'm screwing up two other people's lives. Okay, so truthfully the cheating woman is the one screwing up her own life and that of her partner... but I'd not feel right participating in said drama.

Agree with Snow White. She's an attention wh*** but she's 21 so par for the course.

You also said she been with her bf for 7 years, so she's been dating him long distance since she was 14? And he was 15??? She's far from ready for what you seem to want, if you were smart, you'd recognize this and walk away, but we're always not so smart when it comes to matters of the heart, so good luck.

I will admit that I agree that is most likely the conclusion here. Even if I do sometimes try to give the benefit of the doubt a little bit, it doesn't mean I don't recognize when it seems like things probably aren't right. It's just you never really do know. I tend not to like to deal in absolutes because life is rarely absolute. But, yes, I agree that it seems the most likely conclusion here that he'd be better off moving on and finding somebody who would appreciate him. If that is the case, I'm sure our OP will see that in time. You are right that sometimes we can't help what our heart wants. Sometimes it just takes time and space to let those feelings fade and see what a mistake the person would have been.

[Hooo!]

And i understand your point of view exactly
And i agree

However if disagree with the notion that cheating always is bad or immoral or whatever. I think that in an idealistic world that may be. But I'm more pragmatic

I once saw a documentary about brothels where one man said he was married. And he loved his wife. But the sex just sucked (if he ever got some) and he needed that. If he wouldn't be going to the hookers his marriage would already have ended.

I knew a girl who knew her relationship was shaky and it wouldn't last. But the thing that finally made her realize that she needs to end the relationship was the fact that her imagination was captured by another man, with whom she has been faithfully happy the last 10 years.


Those are fundamentally different to the man having a wife and lying to her and his sidegirls, who is destroying a relationship because he thinks it's nice. Or a woman who has different lovers every now and then just because her man is unknowingky little more than a money machine to her

And that's what I'm mean. It depends on the relationship in question. It depends on how this relationship should be treated and honored. And it depends on whether you would help someone treat their relationship in a certain way.

Just to assume to sleep with someone else even though you are married or in a relationship is immoral, would be making the world more easy than it really is

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, I absolutely can understand your examples above. I definitely see the sense in that argument. For example, the guy who goes to brothels because sex with his wife is bad.... but he truly loves her and doesn't want to leave her. Did the documentary happen to mention if she knows he does that, or does he do it in secret? That would also, to me, be a big difference. Because, in my opinion, you shouldn't have secrets like that from the person you are supposed to love most. I'd more so say if the sex is so bad then they should talk about it. Maybe there are things that could make it better, maybe they can have an "open relationship" sort of agreement... or ultimately maybe they aren't right for each other. I don't think sex should be THE most important part of a relationship, but if two people are sexually incompatible that could be a deal breaker.

As for the girl you know, I'm curious did she cheat first and THEN discover she needed to end the relationship? Or was it merely starting to fall for the other guy that made her realize it and so she then ended her relationship before doing anything with the new guy? Because, again, to me that would also make a big difference. In my opinion, it isn't necessarily wrong if you fall for somebody else while still in a relationship because you can't help feelings you don't control. Especially if we are talking about a relationship that isn't going to last for whatever reason. Then, sometimes discovering somebody who could be a better match can be the catalyst to decide that the relationship is wrong after all. It's just, again, I personally feel you should decide that and deal with that FIRST, then consider pursuing something new.

But, I do definitely agree with you that those examples are fundamentally very different from the worst case scenario type examples you shared. Because, truthfully, whether I agree with it or no, there is a big difference between somebody thinking they are doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.... and somebody just doing the wrong thing because they simply don't care. We definitely agree on that part.