Confusing Relationship/Story

[hell4kyo]

I work in a company and am good friends with X
Everyday we used to go for Lunch together and a girl (Y) used to meet us for lunch.
I didnt think anything of it.

A few ago, X left the country for some work.
During this time, Y and I got close.
We met up for drinks once and totally hit it off
She opens up and says that she doesnt believe in relationships
When we're casually talking, we talk about X and she says that yes, X is a person she would probably consider dating.
X calls her when we were there and i joke to him that she would like to date him
I dropped her back home and we had a hug, a really long lingering hug
I didnt do anything about it

Im very focussed on work and dont really pay that much attention to women. i dont have flings. I like things to have a purpose.
A week goes by and we're texting everyday.
Im a little flirtatious, she is not.
One day i turn up at her doorstep with flowers and all
and she is totally smitten
She suddenly says that we need to talk
I'm like sure

We go out
She sits me down and says that she's seeing someone
and that i should stop flirting with her
I apologise saying, i didnt really mean anything by it
and that i didnt know she was seeing someone
She describes her relationship

The guy in question doesnt want anyone to know that they are in a relationship
Its all hush hush.
This is a red flag for me and i go on a rant
On how she is awesome and she needs someone who has passion
and tell her sweet stuff on how she deserves to be treated

she gets emotional
she says, that after our first night our she wanted to kiss me
i say i wanted to too

meanwhile, i figure out by matching character traits that her boyfriend is X
I decide that i want to backoff because this is too complicated then
Im annoyed that X kept this from me

The next morning, she comes over for a quick breakfast cause she feels bad about putting me down
We hook up
Over the next few weeks, she tells me all about herself
we go on drives in the middle of the night
she is brutally honest about her background
how shes gone through so much
Im impressed and fall for her

She tells me about her relationship with X
She tells me how they never spend time together
She tells me how they meet once a week at most (Other than our run-ins for lunch)
She tells me how she told him she loves him and he didnt say it back
She tells me how she keeps fighting with him because she doesnt want it to be a secret

I tell her i love her
She tells me that she loves me

This goes on for a while
we're totally honest with each other
X comes back from his trip

I meet him the first day at work
and i tell him that he shouldve told me
if he had told me i wouldnt have hit on her/flirted with her in the first place
he denies the existence of relationship

A week goes by
Y and I decide to not stay in touch
It was a mistake, they are a couple, im nowhere in the picture
I accept it

I catchup with a friend (Z) for dinner
Im a little upset and want to tell her the story (minus the personal details)
She starts crying
She says that until a month ago, she was dating X
She ended it when she found out he was also dating another girl (P)

As it turns out
X was dating P
then X started dating Z
then X started dating Y

I dont really know all the details of their relationship
I want to call X and tell him
At that time, X messages P telling her that im a dumbass for assuming X and Y are dating and he insists that nothing is going on with him and Y
I call Y and tell her we need to talk

I go home first
Talk to my sister and ask if i should tell Y the whole story
I want to do so, but im a little emotional right now
She says that i should
I go over to her place and tell her the whole story

Y is weeping
P sends me chat screenshots that Y shares with X
Lots of drama
Y says that she cant deal with this anymore
Y wants to leave the country for a while
Y goes abroad
I'm supportive during this
I told this story to a friend of mine about how upset she was
and he/she replied asking why she was upset, since she also did technically cheat on him with me.
Y sees this message

She is abroad and she talks to me every night
She talks to X every night as well
We talk about the possibility of us dating
she talks about how she doesnt want relationships anymore
She then opens up and says that its weird
All her friends just came to know about X
and she cant just go and tell them suddenly that shes dating Xs really close friend
She mentions that she wants to give X another shot
They arent dating, but she wants to keep it open and see where it goes
cause she feels guilty cause she technically did cheat on him as well, its just that he managed to get caught
During one of our conversations
I say that its not healthy to talk to me and him every night
she needs some alone time to heal and talking to me/him would be counter productive
I also say that he would probably be uncomfortable with me talking to her
and i dont think its a good idea for her to talk to him
She says then shes not going to talk to me
Im a bit hurt and i put down the phone
She tells me that shes tired of people telling her what to do and what not to do
I back off

A week later i talk to her
we start talking again
we become super close again
Then she tells me that she talked to X a day before and they want to give it another shot
Im upset, and i hang up
She calls back and we have a fight
she says that she lied, she just said that to push me away because we were getting close
im upset because she had a choice and she willingly hurt me.
We stop talking

We work in partner companies
X goes abroad for work (faking with the company that he's doing some work whereas his actual goal is to win her back)
So there is an opportunity abroad
I go abroad as well, but to a different city (X&Y are in the same city)
I talk to Y only for work, keep it formal
but inside its eating me alive
So one day i make a decision
I call her and tell her i want to talk
Then i tell her
that i it hurt a lot that she was willing to throw me under the bus that easily
i want to vent, and i tell her that im venting
Then i tell her, that we can be friends
because in all of this i've realised that she is quite lonely,
more than a lover, she needs a friend
it still hurts me that im the one shes completely honest to
She cant be that honest with X
But still she's dating X
Its a brutal hit to my self confidence
What does he have that shes with him inspite of everything
and me, inspite of being so nice to her and everything, cannot get her

Its the hardest thing i've had to do (atleast it feels that way)
but i do it
im supportive of her
She tells me how shes back together (not fully, they're dating, but shes not sure about anything) with X
I support her, im a friend.
One of her only close close friends

I havent told her, but i still have a lot of strong feelings for her.
But i dont trust her like i used to
From my conversations with her
it sounds like shes given him another chance and is just waiting for him to **** up so she can leave him
i cant be sure about that though.
But she is really fragile
She takes really emotional stupid decisions
And i really really care about her

And here i am
The guy who voluntarily entered the friendzone

In my opinion, i made the right call. Its hard for me and a piece of me dies every night
But shes happier and happier every time we talk
She talks to me much more than the 'boyfriend' X

Any advice on what i did wrong?
What i could have done differently?
What i should do?

Would appreciate the opinion of someone of the opposite sex.

- - - Updated - - -

P.S This is the best i could do to summarize. Apologies if its confusing.

[hell4kyo]

No Takers?

[Hooo!]

You wanted to kiss her? But didn’t
You didn’t want to enter the friendzone? But did

Tl dr: guy crushes on coworker y
Y secretly dates his friend x

She’s unhappy whith x.
Guy is a pussy and doesn’t act

And now you wonder what you did wrong.

Perhaps you should ask yourself what you did want in the first place.

[TheEvilJester]

I have to respectfully disagree with Hooo's summary. Here's how I see it.....

- Guy crushes on co-worker Y, but co-worker Y instantly tells him she's not interested in a relationship. This means one of two things A) she's not interested in serious relationship with anybody right now but just wants to "have some fun," OR B) she's not interested in HIM that way and was hoping that putting it this way would spare his feelings.
- Guy thereby decides not to pursue anything because he wants something serious and she apparently does not. Frankly, I don't see why you'd have done anything differently. I mean, unless you were also fine with just a casual, have fun, see what it goes kind of relationship. But, it sounds to me like you wanted something that at least had the potential to be serious.
- Even so, guy sends flirtatious texts and even shows up one day with flowers for her (That doesn't sound to me like he didn't act. Sounds like pretty clear actions to me.)
- Girl tells him that he needs to stop flirting with her because she's seeing somebody.... this from a woman who, not long ago told guy she didn't want a relationship with anybody (that, to me, was a BIG red flag that makes her sound like a duplicitous flip flopper and not somebody I'd trust anyway).
- Apparently drama happens between Girl Y and Mr. X. Girl Y confides in Guy all these complaints about how Girl Y and Mr. X never talk enough... never see each other enough... yadda yadda yadda..... all apparently from a girl who "doesn't want a serious relationship."

I could go on and on, but I have to say that I am drawing a very different conclusion from all this.... I personally don't think she even deserves you. She sounds like WAY too much drama. Don't get me wrong. I 100% understand why that may not be the advice you want to hear. I completely understand how sometimes we can't help our crushes. As the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. But, truth be told, I don't see how a relationship with her could ever work. At least not right now. At least not until she gets her S together. It sounds like she needs some time to just be alone and get her head straight.

I wish I could say differently (and truth be told, I could be wrong) but it frankly sounds like a relationship with her would only end in a lot of pain for you. Possibly even worse. It could even be a situation where she flip flops back and forth on you, super in love with you one day, super unhappy and wanting to leave you the next day. Again, it's not like I'm psychic. Maybe if she gave you the chance, you'd turn out to be the man of her dreams and she'd see that and all would be great. It's just that stories like this have been told probably about a million times, and probably about 999,999 all end the same.

If you ask me, the only thing you did wrong is by continuing to be her friend. Truthfully, even if she was 100% a perfect innocent angel, but it just so happened she wasn't interested in you like that, I'd tell you the same thing. You can't be friends with somebody when you really just wish it could be more. That isn't right to them and it isn't right to you. You may think you aren't, but the truth is you are holding yourself back from finding love in somebody else because part (or maybe even all) of you is really just hoping if you wait around long enough she'll change her mind.

Her happiness isn't your job. It isn't your responsibility. If she doesn't have you as a friend, she'll find another way to get better. To get through her drama. So, I think the only thing you did wrong (at least in my opinion) is being voluntarily being friend-zoned. Once it became clear a relationship between you two was highly unlikely, you should have just respectfully wished her the best but made it clear you had to move on.

I absolutely DO agree that you need to be bold and go for what you want sometimes in life.... I just cannot agree this is an example where you should have done that anyway. To me, the moment she said she wasn't interested in a relationship, I'd have moved on, so I don't think you did the wrong thing there by not acting. But then all the drama with her and Mr. X happened after that and that, to me, is all the more reason NOT to bother with her.

Best of luck to you either way. Believe me, I understand it can be hard to let go, but this may be a case where that is what is best for you.

[Hooo!]

I think we have read two totally different texts.
If a girl tells you she wanted to kiss you
And you did too and THEN you don’t kiss her after she tells you this, then you might as well seal your pants with combination locks


But honestly I can’t read all of the walls of text. It’s just too much for me.

Usually it’s either a sign of people wanting to talk but not solve a problem.
Or being confused and unclear
Or not being able to get to the point.

[hell4kyo]

EvilJester
Thank you for the time you took to go through my post thoroughly.

I agree with your analysis. Part of me did definitely think that making her happy is not my problem. but the heart wants what the heart wants. The irony of the situation is that the advice you gave is exactly the kind of advice that i would normally give one of my friends. Unfortunately, when you're the one in the situation it becomes a whole different matter. None of my friends have been pragmatic enough to help me.

Listening to you break down the sequence of events is very reassuring. Even though its not something i wanted to hear, it is definitely something i needed to hear.

Thank You.

- - - Updated - - -

Hooo!

I think that is an oversimplification of the sequence of events. But thank you for your advice nontheless. It is appreciated. Its nice to have different perspectives.

[TheEvilJester]

EvilJester
Thank you for the time you took to go through my post thoroughly.

I agree with your analysis. Part of me did definitely think that making her happy is not my problem. but the heart wants what the heart wants. The irony of the situation is that the advice you gave is exactly the kind of advice that i would normally give one of my friends. Unfortunately, when you're the one in the situation it becomes a whole different matter. None of my friends have been pragmatic enough to help me.

Listening to you break down the sequence of events is very reassuring. Even though its not something i wanted to hear, it is definitely something i needed to hear.

Thank You.

I am glad if I was able to help, even if just in some small way. And I think you hit the nail right on the head yourself. Sometimes you just can't help how you feel. Even though every ounce of your logical side screams at you that you are better off moving on.... even when you know logically that if it were a friend or loved one in the same situation you'd advise them pretty much the exact opposite of what you are doing... sometimes you just can't help how you feel.

Sure, the best thing you could do in a situation like this is to just move on completely. Let her go, forget her, give yourself time to heal, etc., etc. Sometimes, though, it just isn't that easy. Sometimes you just need to work through it on your own even if you know you really should just remove the situation. Honestly, it is almost like having an addiction. Some people can just stop dead... quite cold turkey. Some people need time to ween themselves off.

So, though I do wish for you that you could do what is best for you even if it is what is initially hard, I do understand if you maybe cannot bring yourself to do that now. In time, though, I think you will. So, if nothing else I at least wish that for you, that in your own time you do find your own way to move on. I mean, again, unless I am wrong after all and things somehow DO find a way to work out for you with this gal. That would be great if they did, but often in situations like this they don't. But, bottom line I do wish you the best and hope this works out to the best possible conclusion for you, whatever that happens to be in this particular situation.

I think we have read two totally different texts.
If a girl tells you she wanted to kiss you
And you did too and THEN you don’t kiss her after she tells you this, then you might as well seal your pants with combination locks

Okay, I can maybe somewhat agree with that. Maybe that was a time he could have and maybe should have made a move. Even if it wasn't to kiss her, maybe just some move to show that he wanted to move forward. Honestly, given everything he described happening up to that point, I still think I'd have personally advised against it because she sounded like more drama that she'd be worth. At least until she could deal with her drama and get out from under it. So I'd have personally still thought better to move on and forget her for the time being.

But, given that he still wanted to pursue a relationship with her at the time, I do agree that you couldn't have asked for a much clearer sign that there at least had been some interest on her part as well. Ultimately, though, I think he's better off anyway. But I would, generally, agree with the overall idea that he should take this as positive evidence for learning to be more bold.

[Hooo!]

If a woman tells you that she is so into you that she really wants to kiss you
I mean
What do you need?
A written invitation would not help

[TheEvilJester]

If a woman tells you that she is so into you that she really wants to kiss you
I mean
What do you need?
A written invitation would not help

Well... "wants you to kiss her" is very different from "wanted" you to kiss her. He claims that she had said she had "wanted" (past tense) him to kiss her. That could mean she still did, or it could mean the ship had already sailed. I don't think we can know which, but that moment is in the past now anyway, so kind of a moot point.

[Hooo!]

You really mean this?