Rekindling with my ex

[Intexas3518]

Hello. My ex and I were together off and on for 4.5 years. Alot happened during that time, and we both hurt each other significantly. We have a child together. We just recently started pouring our hearts out about all that happened, and when I suggested if we were going to get back together and told him how I felt about him, he has told me that so much happened in that time we were together, and we both need time to heal. He says he doesn't want to go through all of the hurt and pain we went through again, and he doesn't want me to either. He says we are making a big step just by being able to talk about things. He has not said no, but this other responses are troubling me. I know he feels very deeply for me, as I do for him. I understand the fears, because I too feel them, but I want to work through these things with him. I told him I am giving him the time and space he needs...I don't want to aggravate the situation or force anything. Can you give me advice from a man's perspective on what he is going through? Is this a nice way of saying "no" from him? I am confused and just don't want to ruin things more.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean... we can't really know that for sure any more than you can. We can't read minds any more than you can. So anything we could tell you is just speculation as well. If I had to make an educated guess, that guess would be exactly what you speculated. That he does not want to rekindle your relationship but also didn't want to hurt your feelings. That he does want you two to be able to be friendly (especially since you two have a kid), but he doesn't think a relationship could work now when it didn't before.

But that would just be an educated guess at best. I could be wrong. Maybe he truly does just want/need some time and in the end maybe he COULD see giving things another try with you. I think I'd just say this...

He's taking some time to think about things, to try to grow and heal from the past experience. So, for now you should do the same. In time, maybe you'll realize that you and him are better as friends for the sake of the child but not necessarily as a couple. Or, maybe even after some time you will still want to chance to try again.

Once you feel enough time has passed (there is no magical number here, it is just what feels right for you) if he has not already brought the subject up again, then maybe you bring it up to him. But, just keep an open mind. Even if you decide that maybe you would like another chance to make it work, maybe he won't. Or vice versa. Being as you two do have a child together, though, I think the most important thing is that you do find a way to be friendly to each other. Maybe in the end that can be done while also seeing if you can work as a couple this time around. Maybe it will have to be done with you two separate, but at least friends. Time will tell.

You two being able to talk in such a friendly manner is definitely a good first step. Just don't feel you have to rush anything. Often times if relationships don't work, they don't work for a reason. Trying again is often an exercise in futility. You greatly reduce your chances of success if you rush things and thereby don't deal with the issues (both separately and eventually together) that ended things in the first place. So, take time to do that on your own now. If you two decide to give it another go, do that together then and work through things slowly. Best of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

You are both just scared of being close

My advice would be: to be as close as you both want to be. If you want to be close and or when you want to.

Forget labels and the future for a while if you want.
Learn to respect yourself and your partner equally
Learn and nourish honest talking about how you feel
Don’t expect and plan
Just be there for each other
Go with the flow

Good luck