To break up or not?

[wishywashyfreak]

Sorry, I originally posted this in the wrong forum (I had it in the dating forum). So if the mods want to delete, that's totally understandable! Anyway, here is what I wrote.

Hi all. This is my first post here! Feel free to tell me if I'm being a moron or not.

To give you a bit of background, I just turned 23 and my boyfriend is 24. We were friends for 2 years before we started dating, and have been in a relationship for 3.5 years and have lived together for about 3. He is REALLY great. He's smart, funny, cute, friendly, etc. My family loves him and I love his family! They're all really nice and fun to be around.

So if I feel this way, then why the heck do I want out?

I've had a boyfriend since I was 15. So, since 15 until now, I've only been single for about a total of 8 or 9 months. I feel like I haven't had a chance to be by myself or figure out what the heck I want to do with my life. I have a pretty good job doing what I want to do (graphic design), but I want to go back to college because I never finished. I want to really concentrate on myself for awhile because I have the lowest self-esteem ever and I feel like I really need to get myself together.

I know that I bring him down a lot. I gained a lot of weight this year after being on some medication. I don't like to go out anymore and I feel like I don't deserve to have him. We have been talking marriage lately and the thought of getting married TERRIFIES me. On the other hand, the thought of being single makes me so excited that I'm bouncing off the walls.

There are a couple of things that bother me about our relationship, though. Being intimate with him is like a chore. Not fun at all. It was never good either, not even in the beginning. Also, as you can probably tell, I have some depression problems and when I was at my lowest point...he didn't really comfort me at all. I felt so alone when all I wanted was to be held and listened to. He seemed more interested in other things, even when I told him how I felt.

I don't know what to do. Should I stay with him because he's such an awesome person?? I don't want to lose something really great. But most of all, I don't want to hurt him. The thought of hurting him rips me apart.

Another thing, I've had about 3 serious relationships and I get bored with EACH AND EVERY ONE. I have breaken up with all of my boyfriends. I don't get myself?? Is it normal to just get bored and want to move on? I frustrate myself and don't think I will ever be happy because I'm such a WISHY WASHY FREAK!!

Any advice at all?? I'm sorry for rambling. I just woke up but this has been plaguing me all night and I had to tell someone. Thanks for reading.

[whaywardj]

Uh...actually, you've made things quite confusing for people by posting again without deleting your other, duplicate post, and there's no point in bothering the mods about it when you can handle it yourself. If you want to post here rather than there, go back to your original post and delete that one. (Click the Edit button. You'll get a Delete option. I think you'll have to type in a one or two word "why" statement before it will actually delete.)

All in all though, as I meant to suggest in my reply to your first post, you've already answered you own question: You feel as if you haven't lived you own life yet. Anything beyond that isn't relevant...unless you just need to vent your feelings or express your thoughts to gain greater clarity.

Incidentally: Your almost instinctively offered remark that the mods could handle any issues your duplicate posting might cause suggests something about your character and causes me to wonder: Do you ever imagine whether you're in the habit of creating complications, then automatically assuming someone else can or will clear them up?

[wishywashyfreak]

Actually, I'm on a lot of forums and I can't edit or delete my posts on most of them. I guess that's what I'm used to? Thanks for the advice on how to delete. I did delete it.

Now that I know I can edit...I also want to say that I am really confused about this relationship because he hasn't done anything wrong. I feel like I'm not being fair to him. We are such good friends. We enjoy being around each other, talk about lots of goofy things, share the same beliefs, etc.

Should I stay and try to work things out? Or should I leave because I'm a selfish a-hole? I am really confused about leaving because I have done this to other boyfriends and I don't know if I will ever be satisfied. I tend to be a perfectionist and I always think there's going to be something better out there. I don't know. I am really upset this morning. Thanks for listening.

[whaywardj]

...I just don't f*cking get myself. I do this to every boyfriend I've had. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I ever going to be content in a relationship? Why am I always having doubts? I hate me.

Thought I'd do you the favor of bringing this post quote over from the other forum for continuity's sake. I also deleted my initial reply there. If you were to go back and delete your remaining post, there'd be that much less for all of us to sort through.

But, to your remarks above: Why hate yourself for simply wanting to live your own life for a time? Beyond heretofore not having been clear within yourself on that desire and, as a result of not yet knowing it was there, involving yourself with bf's you couldn't possibly know you weren't going to stay with, I see nothing at all you should feel out of sorts with yourself about.

As to contentment, I doubt any of us are ever content in our relationships at all times. Nor would I, for one, want to be. We grow. Change. What was satisfying one day, another day is not. The absence of discontent would cause me to worry I'd stopped growing. By my lights, the primary job of staying with someone isn't a matter of struggling to maintain a sense of contentment, but one of working to resume a sense of committment when what makes you content changes.

Not to make anything overly-long, let me offer the following. She says it much better than I can and I think it's something it might help you greatly to hear:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that activate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others."

-- Martha Graham

[Vanilla Gilr]

Leave him. Yes, he'll hurt, but this will free him to find something better out there.

[whaywardj]

Aww, VG. Do you think that's really a fair thing to say? What about WWF's desire for a life of her own makes her any less than anyone else who might be "better" than her?

But on the point of your bf, WWF, there's nothing at all which says you can't disclose your impulse for independence to him and let the cards fall where they may. To me, it is a very loving relationship, indeed, where two people are willing to risk losing each other for the sake of one having an opportunity to find themselves. There, of course, must be NO harboring of recriminations, blame-laying, guilt or hurt feelings for a letting-go of one another to possibly result in a closer intimacy afterwards. Nor can there be ANY discussion of one's plans or of what things might or might not have happened while apart.

[misombra]

martha graham is my hero.

[whaywardj]

Yes, quite a woman, wasn't she, Misombra?

Meanwhile, WWF: You may also want to get clear with yourself on what you're really after. Do you want free from the relationship, or merely a sense of your independent self apart from it? Or recognition of your individuality within it? What? Exactly.

Before you can determine any of that, though, I'd hazard you may FIRST have to come to grips with this apprehension you seem have over leaving him merely because you fear you may not be able to do better elsewhere. That may require a good degee of truth-telling to yourself you may not be much motivated to face, but must, if you're ever to be able to sort out all the other sensibilties you may have for which that apprehension may be their unpinning. Keeping in mind, meanwhile, that some discontents you may be experiencing could be red-herring rationales designed to compel (or prevent) your making a choice just as easily as they could be actual discontents. You may discover that staying, not leaving, is an expression of selfishness.

Unfortunate for him though it may be, his feelings should be secondary considerations in your self-reflections. In their own becoming, one doesn't wish to cause any more hurt than they have to, but they, more, don't want to hold the truth of themselves back out of pity for another. One can't, as a matter of fact. Who one really is eventually leaks out and creates fissures of escape from any facade he or she may cast in efforts to pretend things are anything other than what they really are.

As ever, you must know and accept yourself before you may know or accept anyone else. Sometimes, two people manage to give each other room, freedom and love enough for such knowing to come to pass. Unfortunately, in our current place and time, that kind of love is generally reserved for enjoyment between a parent and their child, and is not something "adults" are supposed to have any use for any longer.

Would that that were really the case.

[Vanilla Gilr]

"I tend to be a perfectionist and I always think there's going to be something better out there." stated by Wishy

I was merely pointing out that HER comment that she thinks there might be "something better out there" for her...might well be the reverse.

Personally...I wouldn't want someone to be with me if they think they can do better. It would deeply hurt me to find that someone was staying with me till "something better" came along. I'd rather be hurt quickly than strung along.

If she wants to be single..then she should BE single...for her sake as well as his...that's all I'm ineptly trying to say

[whaywardj]

Ah. Point taken. I overlooked that remark.

[wishywashyfreak]

Wow, thanks for the very thoughtful replies. whaywardj - your thoughts really mean a lot to me. I printed them out to stick in my journal to give me some things to think about. Thank you.

As for the comment...I want to add that I didn't mean it in a way that I think I'm better than him, because I DEFINITELY don't think that at ALL! I put him on a pedestal and often think he is better than ME. I don't feel like we are equal...I feel like he's smarter than me, has a better, job, etc. Because of my self esteem issues and various other reasons, I haven't felt as happy in this relationship as I used to feel, and I often wonder if I would be better off with someone else who I felt more equal with. But I don't really want anyone else either. I think I just need to be alone. I don't really think I deserve anyone, especially right now.

As for him, I think he could DEFINITELY find someone better. No doubt about it. It makes me so sad to know that I could be holding him back from someone really great for him. It also makes me sick to my stomach to think about someone else.

Either way, I have so much thinking to do. I think I know what I want for now. I am too screwed up in the head to be with anyone!

[Vanilla Gilr]

Wishy, there is nothing at all wrong with taking some time to be alone to figure out who you are and what you want.

Try to realize that your happiness has to come from within you...it cannot be dependent upon who you are with.

I never said that you don't deserve someone, so don't let that thought play in your head. We all deserve to be loved, appreciated and accepted for who we are....and there's alot of us...myself included...that are screwed up.

You don't have to be hard on yourself...just be real.