How do I get her back?

[starky_fh]

Hi guys, just wondering if anyone can give me any advice bcoz im all out of ideas!

I split up with my girlfriend of 7 months about 5 or 6 weeks ago. When it happened it came as the biggest shock because there had never been anything wrong with our relationship and we get on amazingly well. We're both at university so spent the summer apart, but we met up when we could and only 3 weeks before we split up we had spent a really nice day for our 6 month anniversary together. In fact, the last time I saw her before she split up with me, she told me she loved me as I left for home. Then on my first day back at uni, she broke it off.

Although were both at the safe university we study different subjects. She studies medicine while I study geography. Although my course has become a lot more difficult this year hers is obviously very difficult and shes the kind of person that gets naturally stressed. When she broke up with me she said that she had got so busy this year and having a boyfriend was just adding to her stress. i.e. the fact that she has to make time to see me and stuff. She also said that she had gone off the physical side of the relationship too. I told her that I loved her and I just wanted to support her, I was willing to give her as much space and time as she needed for her work and if she wasnt feeling up to the physical side of things I was fine to leave it for a while. She seemed to have her mind made up though and thought it was best that we split then rather than dragging it out, but she also said that maybe in the future when she was feeling better we might get back together.

After a couple of days of feeling like crap I accepted things and told her that I just wanted her to be happy and so if breaking up was what she needed then thats what we should do. I said I would leave everything up to her, if she wanted to do anything she should initiate it but i wouldnt pester her. We see each other on occassion when were out together and we still get on great (once i talked to her for about 2 hours at a club) but she never texts or rings me anymore. When i quizzed her on it she said that its because she misses me and just needs to forget me completely at the moment.

Trouble is, i cant see her workload getting any easier and all i want is her back. I still love her and havent even looked at another girl since and I'm sure she still has strong feelings for me too but im totally stumped as to what to do about it. I dont want to start trying to contact her because thats exactly what she doesnt want it seems, but if i leave her to forget me surely our relationship is doomed?

[scallop]

I'm in a similar boat mate. Except the physical side of things was still awesome when we split, and I am not at University - i'm a few years older. We spent the summer living together and it was marvellous.
We split about the same time as you, and she gave similar reasons. We basically were struggling to see each as often as before due to each others commitments and she decided to call it off cos she couldnt give 100%, and in her words she HAS to be on her own.
She also said that if she finished University tomorrow, this would never ever have happened.
I met her last week for the first time since, and we ended up spending a fantastic night together. We still get on great, but she can't do it.

I, equally, don't know what the best course of action is??

Part of me is hoping that she comes back, but you cannot force someone. What i haven't done is bombard her with emails or texts. I think this is the only way she may change her mind.
Equally, as hard as it is however, you have to try to move on.
I feel your pain mate, i really do.

[starky_fh]

I'm in a similar boat mate. Except the physical side of things was still awesome when we split, and I am not at University - i'm a few years older. We spent the summer living together and it was marvellous.
We split about the same time as you, and she gave similar reasons. We basically were struggling to see each as often as before due to each others commitments and she decided to call it off cos she couldnt give 100%, and in her words she HAS to be on her own.
She also said that if she finished University tomorrow, this would never ever have happened.
I met her last week for the first time since, and we ended up spending a fantastic night together. We still get on great, but she can't do it.

I, equally, don't know what the best course of action is??

Part of me is hoping that she comes back, but you cannot force someone. What i haven't done is bombard her with emails or texts. I think this is the only way she may change her mind.
Equally, as hard as it is however, you have to try to move on.
I feel your pain mate, i really do.

Yeah thats what I figured. I haven't bombarbarded her with texts and emails either and I agree its probably the best way forward. Its just a really wierd situation. I can see that maybe it is time to start moving on but at the same time what we had was so great and i feel like by moving on I'm throwing that away. When I've spoken to her since the split I have told her that I'm not going to go running off to anyone else and she has said she wouldnt blame me if I did but I would still feel bad. I just feel its a tragedy that something that was so great has gone to waste through no real fault of our own. Its just work and other stuff thats gone and got in the way!

[scallop]

Yeah thats what I figured. I haven't bombarbarded her with texts and emails either and I agree its probably the best way forward. Its just a really wierd situation. I can see that maybe it is time to start moving on but at the same time what we had was so great and i feel like by moving on I'm throwing that away. When I've spoken to her since the split I have told her that I'm not going to go running off to anyone else and she has said she wouldnt blame me if I did but I would still feel bad. I just feel its a tragedy that something that was so great has gone to waste through no real fault of our own. Its just work and other stuff thats gone and got in the way!

I agree 100% with everything you have said there. I have thought exactly the same things. It sounds like you are thinking the same thoughts as me.
I am the same - i don't want to just throw it away either, and i don't want to meet anyone else.
I just don't know what else to do.

[starky_fh]

I agree 100% with everything you have said there. I have thought exactly the same things. It sounds like you are thinking the same thoughts as me.
I am the same - i don't want to just throw it away either, and i don't want to meet anyone else.
I just don't know what else to do.

Its really frustrating. I'm really sorry to hear that your in the same boat as me but I have to admit it is nice to have found someone in the same situation. All my friends and family have tried to give advice but its just not the average break up so i think they find it difficult. I've gone through break ups before and theyre horrible but usually they are a climax of things turning sour for a long period. With this break up, and it seems yours aswell, things are different. Essentially there was no reason within the relationship to ever think that it was going to end and so when it did it came as a huge shock, not a gradual process. Because of this the usual rules dont really apply. You cant just move on because you feel if she was willing to get back together there really wouldnt be a problem in doing so but you cant contact her because you know that its not going to do any good for her and if you love her thats always your main priority. So instead I've been left in a sort of limbo ever since we split up, not being able to move on but not being able to go back either. What makes things worse, which it seems is the same with you, is that I finish this year and will go back home so in some ways time is running out. I can see a long distance relationship working if we were to get together again soonish but not if we stay apart for the rest of my final year. Surely then the distance is going to be to great to be able to start afresh!

I feel for you though mate,

its a real tough situation!

[Junsui]

Ok, I haven't read all of the posts after your main one, but there isn't anything you can do to make her come back to you. The relationship is over and you need to start to move on. It always seems to be a shock to guys when the relationship ends. We were discussing that in another thread.

[mhussain]

its a shock to anyone when the relationship ends and not just guys....

and to you mate, no you cant get her back ... sorry

Hussain

[Junsui]

Yes, I know it can be a shock to girls too. I've just noticed more guys seem to be caught off guard by it.

[starky_fh]

Ok, I haven't read all of the posts after your main one, but there isn't anything you can do to make her come back to you. The relationship is over and you need to start to move on. It always seems to be a shock to guys when the relationship ends. We were discussing that in another thread.

Ok, I understand what your saying and I agree I need to leave her alone, if anything changes it will have to be from her initiative. I dont agree about it always being a shock to guys though. Ive been through break ups before and i have to say its always been obvious when things are coming to an end...Things start to deteriorate over a long period of time and even though you might be in denial, afterwards you have to admit it was coming. This was different. We spent amazing times together right up until the split and she never stopped telling me she loved me. She even gave me a framed photo of the both of us together as one of my bday presents 2 weeks before. Sound like the actions of some1 thats thinking about ending a relationship?!

[Junsui]

I dont know. I would have to talk to her or be there when that's going on. Besides I said it seems to be a shock. I'm sure a lot of times it is just denial. I know some women are caught off guard too. Of course, I'm mainly basing my opinion on experiences I've been through or my friends have.

[starky_fh]

I dont know. I would have to talk to her or be there when that's going on. Besides I said it seems to be a shock. I'm sure a lot of times it is just denial. I know some women are caught off guard too. Of course, I'm mainly basing my opinion on experiences I've been through or my friends have.

Cool, cheers for the help anyway...If it seemed like i was trying to get at you it wasnt meant to. Just trying to explain the situation better. Good to hear peoples opinions on it whatever they are.

[Junsui]

I gotcha. Good luck with whatever decision you come to.

[Rosebud]

I think what might have happened was when you guys were apart she realized she enjoyed her freedom and becasue you guys were away from each other the whole summer if felt as if you weren't together in the first place. And when she saw you again it just confirmed what she had been feeling. Grantyed this is only an assumption here but I can see why you were so taken back because she never mentioned this to you prior to breaking up with you.

Things do get hard when your going to differnet schools and what not but the only things you can do from here on out is to learn from what happened, and keep your priorites straight. With having a hectic school schedule relationships can get tough but if you make an honest effort to stay in contact then you'll be ok and I'm not saying this is your fault, I'm saying at this point it just doesn't like the timing was good for either of you!