Avoidance/Nervousness?

[music_jim]

Hi everyone!

I'll explain more about this particular girl later on, a whole lot behind the story... but basically, my problem right now is that I've liked this girl for months now but she's got a boyfriend (of course), but things have been kinda low key and I think there's a little bit of interest from her, we talk somewhat regularly and are being friendly.

My problem is that sometimes, when I see her coming or looking at me, I tend to look for a way to avoid her or not look at her eyes, almost like I'm scared. I don't know why I do it, I don't want to because I really like her, but I have no idea why. What could I do to make things easier, so I don't freak out like usual and look the other way/change direction?

Oh yeah, she knows I like her, if that gives anymore of an indication. I'd love to pull things off smooth and look right back at her when I catch her looking at me (which I do sometimes), but I always end up darting my eyes away.

Help!

[indigosoul]

If you like her, and she likes you, then let her know. Clearly. Then let her choose. Its that simple. All is fair in love and war until there's a ring (or its equivalent) on their finger. IMHO, anyway.

[music_jim]

If you like her, and she likes you, then let her know. Clearly. Then let her choose. Its that simple. All is fair in love and war until there's a ring (or its equivalent) on their finger. IMHO, anyway.

Well, I did, actually. Three months ago, I was much shyer and insecure than I am now, and I told her I liked her on the first night we actually talked at length. (D'oh!) She had just broken up with her boyfriend, or at least, they were having a big problem as they always do, and said she was flattered, but... yeah...

This has been my project the last few months, and I've made leaps as far as becoming more sociable and comfortable, I'm really not that insecure anymore, but there's still little details like my little avoidance thing.

[Junsui]

So she didn't feel the same way as you when you told her before?

[music_jim]

Honestly, I have no idea if she really likes me back. When I told her that one time, she said "Wow, I'm really flattered, but I'm in a situation right now." After all, she was still waiting to see what was going to happen with her relationship. I asked her if it didn't work out, what the chances would be of me and her getting together, and again it was an "I don't know."

After three months, little things here and there have told me that she's a bit interested, but she's not going to act on it because her boyfriend is very possessive and controlling, really a bad situation going on there and she knows it, but she sticks with it because she loves him. *roll eyes*

I've been patient though, tried to keep being friendly with her and all that, building up interest and sharing things back and forth, so it's been slow going. Still, things are a bit weird between us because she knows my intentions, even though they're on the back burner.

But my main problem right now is that I tend to act weird around her. I can talk to her just fine and we can have a good conversation, I just find that when in passing or from a distance, I tend to want to get out of there or look away, when those could be great chances for ANYTHING. And when I really look at it, I tend to do that to any girl I find interesting, so it makes things really weird for me.

[music_jim]

Anything? Anyone?

[cohdd]

Well she might find your nervousness very adorable and endearing. But if you want to appear more confident, you might want to learn more about body language techniques (over 50% of what you say to women is communicated through your body language). It may help you with your anxiety around her and help you feel more sure of yourself. It might also help you get a better read as to how she is responding to you. I like your patience. Keep being a good friend and you never know what will happen down the road.

In the meantime, you could try going out with other women, or female friends, and practicing things like keeping good eye contact. Then maybe when you are around your lady love, you won't feel so nervous. Also, it might help to put your focus on something other than this girl, by diverting your attention on other women or other activities, you will have something else to think about other than your nervousness.

Also, now that you have realized you are nervous around her, it might be making you even more anxious (kind of like I feel when I have to give a speech to a big group of people). So just keep remembering, she's just a woman. What's the worst thing that can happen, you will do or say something stupid. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm sure there will be a ton of women in your life. You have special things to offer, and your lady love is special in her own way. So just focus on enjoying her company, and not so much about how your actions are affecting her opinion of you.

[whaywardj]

Didn't I already respond to an identical thread elsewhere? What? You posting it twice because you didn't like the answers you got the first time, Jim?

Again: Why are you even entertaining amorous designs on someone who's already involved with someone else, however poor you believe their current relationship might be?

[mhussain]

if she has a bf, why are you pursuing her? she is someone's girlfriend for a reason. dont interfere mate, dont. it always turns to be messy

i am sorry that you like a woman who is already taken.

Hussain

[music_jim]

First of all, the threads are only identical because people forced them to be; I was only introducing myself in the other thread, but it had to be brought out just what I'm getting into. I was aiming this topic at my general nervousness, not the fact that the girl's in an abusive relationship. I wasn't aiming at revealing that in the other thread, either, so kindly back off the notion that I'm "Posting again because I didnt like the answers I got the first time."

And I'm after her because to me, a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is not much of a boundary. That's why people date, so they can see if the person they're with is worthy of spending 60+ years with later on. And this guy's a real piece of work. She hasn't told me to lay off, so until she does, I'm going to keep working, even if it means a long wait. Good things come in time.

For now, I'm working on becoming the best person I can be for myself, for her, and for anyone else I might meet later on. I know she's not going to leave him for what HE does, so I've got to concentrate on having her leave him for what I do.

[whaywardj]

"Back off"? My. Touchy little shit, aren't you?

So, the best person you can be is one for whom other people's idea of commitment is of no importance, and who interferes in a relationship that is none your business to begin with?

I assume that works in reverse, too. Your relationship with a woman presents no boundry for you to date other women. See the fallacy in your logic? If not, that's sad. And to be avoided by any woman who has any sense.

Why would you want to involve yourself with a woman who you think tolerates abuse in the first place?

[music_jim]

Well she might find your nervousness very adorable and endearing. But if you want to appear more confident, you might want to learn more about body language techniques (over 50% of what you say to women is communicated through your body language). It may help you with your anxiety around her and help you feel more sure of yourself. It might also help you get a better read as to how she is responding to you. I like your patience. Keep being a good friend and you never know what will happen down the road.

In the meantime, you could try going out with other women, or female friends, and practicing things like keeping good eye contact. Then maybe when you are around your lady love, you won't feel so nervous. Also, it might help to put your focus on something other than this girl, by diverting your attention on other women or other activities, you will have something else to think about other than your nervousness.

Also, now that you have realized you are nervous around her, it might be making you even more anxious (kind of like I feel when I have to give a speech to a big group of people). So just keep remembering, she's just a woman. What's the worst thing that can happen, you will do or say something stupid. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I'm sure there will be a ton of women in your life. You have special things to offer, and your lady love is special in her own way. So just focus on enjoying her company, and not so much about how your actions are affecting her opinion of you.

Thanks, cohdd. All very good points. I have been interested in other girls, and I generally just try to keep my mind on work, because I know sitting around is only going to create an opportunity to mope, and that'll drag me down more than anything.

And yeah, my biggest problem is shedding my fear of her. Sounds rediculous, but it's true. Would you want to go out with someone who's afraid of you? Didn't think so.

[music_jim]

"Back off"? My. Touchy little shit, aren't you?

So, the best person you can be is one for whom other people's idea of commitment is of no importance, and who interferes in a relationship that is none your business to begin with?

I assume that works in reverse, too. Your relationship with a woman presents no boundry for you to date other women. See the fallacy in your logic? If not, that's sad. And to be avoided by any woman who has any sense.

Why would you want to involve yourself with a woman who you think tolerates abuse in the first place?

I could've used worse stuff than "Back off", buddy. Just be glad I'm chalking up the "touchy little shit" comment to the misconception that I don't know much just because I'm new here.

Secondly, I'm not asking her to cheat on him. Anything that happens is ultimately her decision and I respect that, but like I said, this topic is more about self growth, if I end up with her that's an added bonus.

Oh and I see the fallacy. We're all prone to being hurt in some way, shape or form. How we keep that from happening, or deal with it when it does happen, shapes us all and brings out the true colors of a person. And I do know that acting like a whiny little b*tch when a significant other starts hanging around others isn't exactly the best thing to present. That's when you start stepping things up, friend.

[whaywardj]

No. It's not about self-growth. It's about you looking for advice on how to interfere in someone else's business. And, since you brought up "true colors," what we seek out in the absence of threat says very much more about us than anything we might feel compelled to defend against.

As to whether you know much, I couldn't say. You certainly haven't said anything yet to make me think you care about very much beyond yourself. Hardly the kind of person I'd care to be involved with, if I were a woman.

[music_jim]

Okay, obviously we come from two very different operating manuals when it comes to committment in a relationship and the boundaries of it from outsiders, and obviously there's no way that I'm going to get help from you because all you can see is that I'm trying to interfere with someone else's business. That's not at all what I'm about, I don't go around looking for girls with boyfriends just so I can mess with what they've got going on. I know my boundaries, and if she tells me to get lost, I will. I know there are others out there, I just pick certain girls that appeal to me and I'm pretty devoted because I've got time.

So if all you can see is a dark motive coming from me, then just let me be. It wasn't my original intention to come here and ask about how to break up a relationship, it was about how to not be nervous around girls, especially a particular one, and our personal opinions on ethics differ there. If in the end I'm wrong then I'll be back to tell about it, give slaps on the back and cup a few balls. So relax.