Friends with benefits

[bluesummer]

People often say at the end of a relationship that they might want to get back together in the future. But the truth is, you broke up for a reason; and whatever reason it is, when people become separated they change and realize there's other things they want in life. Oftentimes, you'll realize that you miss that person, but don't really miss the relationship, and will just move on. Of course, most people don't realize this until quite awhile after a breakup.

[Tone]

Yes, I agree with shh! and bluesummer... stop sleeping with him. Tell him there is no point in keeping in contact, just be honest and tell him it's too hard for you.

Sorry darlin. =/

[Sugarbabe72]

So you dont think he can actually really mean what he says, and have every intention of getting back together ?

i live in hope.

[gHEXjt]

So you dont think he can actually really mean what he says, and have every intention of getting back together ?

i live in hope.

At some point we've all been through a situation something like this. 99% they're just keeping you on the line "in case." You don't want to be a part of that. You say you live in hope, but the more you continue w/some form of a relationship, the more hope you'll gain, and the harder you will fall when things don't go your way.

[independent]

One of the biggest reasons people say this (or something like this) to someone they are breaking up with (or that broke up with them) is this:

They dont want to hurt your feelings.

Most people cannot bring themselves to say it outright: I dont want to be with you. Or, I dont want to date you exclusively (ie: you're not "the one", but I might have sex with you if I get lonely or bored).

You can wait, and you can hope - and that's all fine. Whatever YOU think is best for YOU. But while you are waiting... get back to your own life. Dont sit around pining away for him. Go bowling or ice skating or to parties with your friends or whatever it is you were doing before you hooked up with this guy. Have a little fun and BE YOURSELF while the time is passing.

This is for two reasons:

1) It is healthy
2) You will be more attractive to him if you are happy & healthy than you will be if you are miserable and needy (if he does come back to you)

I hope that helps. You kinda have to force yourself to get back into your own routine, but you'll be glad you did!! I recently went through that myself, and I am having a GREAT time back in my own shoes (being ME instead of "so-and-so's girlfriend")! It doesnt mean you have date other guys, or sleep with other people... it just means you have to get yourself out of the funk and back into real life.

[whaywardj]

Ah. *sigh* Don't listen to any of these other people, Sugarbabe. They're wrong. Listen to me. I'm right. Here's what you do:

Respond to his latest with deepest appreciation for his honesty and fondest wishes for his happy future, which you're presently hopeful you may share together when and if the time ever becomes right. Keep in touch. Best wishes, (your sig). End of story. Turn the page. Go on with your life without him being a significant feature in it. Nor you in his.

Then let yourselves be available to one another in some comfortable measure for as long as you wish. This, to give yourselves an opportunity to come to know one another as individual people APART from being in a romance together.

See each other occasionally in public settings. Chat on the phone now and then. You know. Keep in touch with each other without staying in constant contact with one another. You don't need to respond to his calls right away, or even answer some of them at all if you don't care to. Nor does he any of yours.

Put everything on a more formal footing and keep it that way until, either, you're certain there's no hope of reconciling your differences, or you both become reconciled to one another. Either one could happen.

Meanwhile, indeed, forego any kind of contact with him that is even remotely sexual, including even any remarks that point to sex or any conversations about it. No making out, either. All that and anything like it is completely out of the picture now. Don't even announce that that's the case. Just don't respond. If he pushes the point, tell him you don't appreciate it and end contact right then. Hang up. Walk away. Log off. Whatever. And DON'T reinitiate contact afterwards. If and when he does, perhaps, trying to apologise, brush it aside and get the conversation off it. Avoid sexual intimacy being a focus in any way at all.

What you want to do is give it every opportunity to work without subordinating yourself in any way to make it work. Forcing yourself to no contact at all is petulant and silly. Surrendering to the comfort of sex together is utterly damaging and counter productive. You want to find a happy medium between the two extremes which closes no doors absolutely, but which doesn't open any without unequivocal provisos either.

Contrary to what virtually everyone else here has said, either directly or indirectly, it IS possible he is being quite genuine in his need to re-assess you, himself, and the relationship, and is just as genuine in a desire as you may be to get through the current whitewaters of your romance to a new, placid calm within it.

But, if it IS done, it won't be YOU guys who do it. It'll be the guys you're becoming who will. And it's going to take a little time for THOSE guys to arrive on the scene.

Give them time to come into their own and make their appearance.

Or don't.

Either way, don't wait for or try to urge them along. But don't avoid them either if you happen to catch a glimpse of them between the lines of a text message or in the weight of a significant pause in conversation. Acknowledge them without praising or blaming each time they show themselves. If luck is on the side of this romance, you'll soon be acknowledging each other altogether over again. If it's not, well, that's something else again.

[independent]

Hmm.

Could this apply to me, and my circumstances as well? Or no?

(Sorry for sidetracking your thread, Sugar - I'm just curious...)

[whaywardj]

I'd think it would apply to anyone who wanted to give THAT romance with THAT person every possible opportunity to work. Most can't endure the length of time it usually takes for actual transformations as may be afoot to achieve fruition. More often, they either become impatient to acquire their own gratifications more immediately; harbor grudges that block any further communion; or allow themselves to become distracted, then absorbed, by new romances...and do something that makes it impossible. Hence, the general consensus "it isn't real" or "it can't be done" or some other similarly self-justifying nonsense.

In my view, if you haven't utterly and completely backed off without closing off, and given someone the absolute freedom of movement and choice they need to come to a complete resolution about being WITH you, as distinct from merely around you, you haven't given them every chance you could have. How long one keeps that option open is relative to the people involved. All which matters, though, is that you know within yourself you gave them AMPLE time, information and opportunity (for who they are) to come to terms with it all. If they don't, well, there they are and there you go.

[Sugarbabe72]

Wow, what can I say Hayward, that is the most sensible and helpful advise I have been given and I thankyou very much. It makes so much sense.

Thankyou also to others who gave advise also, but Haywards hit the nail on the head. Each and every situation is different, and in my case I thought the NC rule just wouldnt work. Occasional contact in a public setting as Hayward suggested is the way to go, as I do not want to shut him out completely. If there is any chance between us, he needs to see the 'new' me I have become, as the old one was not very nice, and hence his reason for leaving.

I am definately not going to put my life on hold. Im going to move on, "try" and enjoy myself, and patiently wait for the time to pass. If by that time he or even myself, decides its not going to ever happen again, then I know I will be stronger by that time to deal with it, and I know it was never meant to be.

Unfortunately I didnt read any of these replies, before I messaged him back. When he messaged me, and said he needed time etc, I didnt respond back, hence triggering a phone call from him. When he called me, he said are you upset by what I just wrote and I basically said yes it wasnt what I expected etc etc etc. Anyway the phone call wasnt the best, and when we hung up , I wrote him a msg saying I understand and respect your feelings etc but at the end of it I wrote I must move on I cannot wait for you.

Because I never got a reply from that msg, I started to freak out thinking why isnt he replying to me. This is where it all went wrong. I got caught up in a whirlwind and started messaging him like crazy (what a fool i am ! ) Little did I know he was sick and asleep and didnt get any of my messages until the next day. My last message to him was something along the lines of, well if youre going to ignore me thats cool, this is the last time you will hear from me, take care and I hope you find what you are looking for in life.

Well I learnt a valuable lesson from that. Its to have PATIENCE . I say that because he just rang me and said omg whats going on with all the messages I only got them before . I felt like such an idiot. I felt like a needy desperate fool !!! So I apologised to him and he said thats ok, I will talk to you tonight.
Lets just hope I didnt put my foot into it. And from here on in, Im going to follow Hayward's advice.

I will keep you updated..

[independent]

I'm glad you feel better, Sugar... Now I'M all confused again



LOL *sigh*

[shh!]

haha - it only took you 36 posts to get someone to tell you what you wanted to hear! Good luck; I hope all works out the way you want it to, sugar.

[Sugarbabe72]

Well I dont really know your situation Independent. Your sig says youre single and happy ...why dont you keep it that way?

Has your ex tried to contact you, and you have ignored them ? Is the NC killing you? Most importantly, do you want to get back with your Ex ?

Like I said before, each and every situation is different. Only we know the people in our lives, not the people on this board. And people will only give "general" information. I just feel that what my ex is saying is genuine, and Hayward's advice is the only one that matched with my situation if that makes sense. You also would have to know the reasons why we broke up as well, and thats a whole other story. If you knew that, then you would understand the reason he needs space and time and to find himself again.

I could be wrong. Totally wrong. But my gut tells me Im not. My gut tells me he is being genuine.

Time will tell.

[Sugarbabe72]

ssh ..I appreciate and listen to everyones posts. And its not what I wanted to hear. It just feels more relevant to my situation.

[independent]

Has your ex tried to contact you, and you have ignored them ? Is the NC killing you? Most importantly, do you want to get back with your Ex ?

No, I'm still sleeping with him...

Long story *sigh*

[whaywardj]

Well I dont really know your situation Independent. Your sig says youre single and happy ...why dont you keep it that way?

Um-hm. Now THERE'S a terrifying thought. LOL!