She doesn't love me best

[Unreasonable?]

i met my wife when we were both about 33. I fell head over heels for her and we were married within 18 months (second marriage for each). Things were great, had two kids, happiest I'd ever been and then after 6 years together she has a chance meeting with an ex (not her ex husband). I ask her about it, get a bit upset over her response, and after a bit of fussing I'm ready to get over it. I seek comfort from her to put it away forever by making the comment, "It's okay, as long as you love me best." To my shock she responds, "I'm sorry I can't do that." She later adds on to say that choosing between us would be like choosing between our two children. Her position was that she does love me and she chose me (to be her husband, father of children, etc.). It's years later now and we remain married but the special "over the moon" love I had for her in our first 6 years immediately changed to something more ordinary - good but something less than I felt at first. I am certain she has never been unfaithful. She continues to say she loves me. Nonetheless I thought of the event as something like a betrayal. I thought we had something that apparently we didn't - mutual "best ever" love for each other. My question for the forum: Am I being unreasonable? Should I more easily accept that she has been a good, loving wife and dedicated mother for now 15+ years? Or am I unreasonable to expect that my wife loves me best of all her romantic relationships? What should an idealist do who married a pragmatist?

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[Unreasonable?]

Hi Hooo!, I'm not sure whether your response is a statement, meaning I should be happy with what I have or whether it's a question to understand what I want. To answer the question, what I want is for the woman I love more than any woman I have ever known to reciprocate with the same level of feelings for me. My question to the group is whether you would have a similar expectation. Am I being unreasonable in setting a bar so high that I shouldn't expect it?

[lovebroken]

Your honeymoon phase lasted longer than most peoples last and she said she chooses you and loves you, so accept that and be content if not content them try to make your relationship better, more romantic. Things do just automatically change to be better if you do not work at making it better.

[Hooo!]

Let us say she would reciprocate the same level of feelings towards you
How would that change how you feel or act?

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I think this one is harder to answer. This one really boils more down to your own personal feelings than it does to any one black and white answer. Because, sure, on the surface things seem okay. She loves you very much, she's faithful to you, she chose you and wants to be with you. So, on paper, what's the problem?

Here's the thing....

That would be a deal breaker for me. You are telling me there is some guy you love more than me? I'm sorry, but that would not work for me. In my opinion, fine. You go be with that guy. I don't see how I could ever give my whole heart to somebody, and love somebody more than anybody else when I'm basically their consolation prize. When I'm their silver medal. And, don't get me wrong. Love isn't a game, nor a competition. It isn't like the person has to give you exactly X amount of love or they aren't worthy of you or something like that.

The thing is, it isn't about that. It is a hard thing to explain, which I am sure you understand since you seem to feel exactly the way I would. So, I think it is vastly over-simplifying things if I were to tell you that you should just get over it. I, for one, understand how you feel. I'd feel the same way in your situation. By the same token, you shouldn't just throw it away either without at least trying to see if you can make it work. I think this is a case where there is no black and white here. There is a lot of gray.

On the surface, she loves you and chooses to be with you, so sure... why not stay together? Yet, on the other hand, you can't help how you feel, and if this makes you feel as though you are not the priority to her you should be, that could be a problem. This is definitely not an easy decision you need to make, so I wish you luck in making it. In the end, I truly hope this works out for you (and for her) in whatever way turns out to be best. Maybe that will be with you two staying together and you can find a way to feel secure in that and okay with it. Maybe it will mean you two find a way to part ways in as friendly a way as possible. But, whatever turns out to be for the best, I hope it goes as well as possible for you.

Good luck.