Wits End

[bmj82]

As implied, I'm absolutely at my wits end in my marriage. Let me give you some background info, and I'll see if you're any better clued in than am I.

We were married young. She was 21, and I 20. We had been dating for 3 1/2 years through high school, and into college. We both come from very stable, very loving families. The wedding was beautiful, and that's where the happiness ended. The wedding was August of 2003, so we've been married 2 1/4 years now.

The trouble: Basically, we live like good roommates. We get along fine, know how to keep the other complacent, and that's about all there is. We rarely fight, and we always fight fairly and with respect. Yet, there is ZERO passion. We decided to wait until marriage for sex, and were both completely comfortable with that decision. We eagerly awaited sex, (and I feel sublimely confident that she was as excited as I) but when it came, she seemed to tune out of the relationship. In the 2 years and 3 months we've been married, she's been interested in sex about 12 times. I regularly go 2-3 months with no sexual interaction at all. I have ALWAYS wanted to be gentle to her, and make sure that she's comfortable with anything we do. She has verbalized indications that she prefers ME to initiate sex. However, on several separate occasions, she's given me lines like "I just don't want to be touched right now." or "I feel like your toy, like you're using me." I don't get angry or upset when she says stuff like this, because I don't want her to attach a negative mental picture to sex. So I graciously say "OK" and ask if I can do anything for her. Then I wait, and wait, and wait for any indication that she'll be interested in sex. It never happens. I can count on one hand the times that we've had sex in 2005. Both of us have busy days between work and school, but its nothing that leaves us exhausted. On most days, we have plenty of energy left. I'm kind to her always, I do my best to clean the house, do dishes, and get to repairs when she asks. I cook some dinners, do some shopping, and generally am VERY involved for someone who's in school 30 hours a week, and who works another 30 hours on top of that.

I HAVE discussed the sex issue with her on probably 10 separate occasions. She understands fully that a guy's body is NOT okay with sex every 2-3 months. She just can't seem to make herself get around to feeling sexual.

As of the last few weeks, I've just become angry. I've been an absolute saint to her for 2 1/4 years. I've been patient, hoping that discussion and being a helpful husband will make her come around, but no luck. I've done everything she asks, and tried to work out my sexual frustrations civilly. I'm not asking for anything crazy sexually. Hell, we've never done anything but missionary, and I've never requested anything else.

So now I'm just upset, mad, and feeling very betrayed by her.

I'm a 22 year-old, attractive college student/intern (I don't say that to be arrogant, but to indicate that I AM someone sexually desirable)

So, now I've started sleeping in the guest room. (in the last week) She's indicated that she doesn't like it when I sleep away from her, and asked why I sleep in the guest room. I just shrug, because right now I'm too mad, and an angry argument would NOT be productive.

I just feel so defeated, emasculated, and humiliated with another night in the string of 3 months that she's hopped in her grungy pajamas, and rolled over to bed. So, I'd rather sleep alone.

I KNOW that this isn't a solution, but I feel that in 2 1/4 years of marriage, sleeping with her, and trying to be kind/romantic has done nothing for her, and CERTAINLY nothing for me.

Help me. I really am at my wits end.

[gHEXjt]

I don't understand how a 22 year old woman doesn't ever want to have sex. The only thing I can think of to suggest is that you seek counseling together, because she obviously has a serious problem, not that I know what it is. Hopefully others will be of more help.

[Junsui]

Why did you make two of these threads?

[shh!]

I am assuming that you technique is decent, and that you actually know how to provide pleasure to a woman, although if you married as a virgin, there is a very large possibility that you don't. Maybe you should do some research into what women like just to be sure. (You know about the clitoris, right?)

Is she taking birth control pills? They can mess with your hormones and lower your interest level, so it might be a physiological problem. Maybe she ought to talk to her doctor to rule out anything physical.

Even still, I don't think this is a good reason to withhold sex, and if it continues, I suggest you get some good counselling. Sex becomes a HUGE issue when there is this much difference in interest levels, and this could easily lead to divorce.

By the way, some of your problem may be due to your ages. While you are at your peak in sexual interest, women's sexual interest peaks in their 30s, so when you are less interested, she will be more interested. Ironic, huh?

[Lloyd95]

Maybe she's getting some on the side? J/K.

I'd say counselling. Unless there is alot of stress at her end, I don't know what would be the issue.

[NeoSeminole]

I think you should be allowed to sleep with other women. Your wife is being very inconsiderate by not even attempting to satisfy you. I understand she may not be in the mood for sex, but why can't she give you head at least? You two are married for f*ck sakes. Next time she asks you to help around the house, tell her you're not in the mood. See how she reacts. You should propose to her that you find sexual gratification elsewhere. She won't be pestered for sex anymore and you don't have to worry about not getting any. Problem solved.

[Lloyd95]

I think you should be allowed to sleep with other women. Your wife is being very inconsiderate by not even attempting to satisfy you. I understand she may not be in the mood for sex, but why can't she give you head at least? You two are married for f*ck sakes. Next time she asks you to help around the house, tell her you're not in the mood. See how she reacts. You should propose to her that you find sexual gratification elsewhere. She won't be pestered for sex anymore and you don't have to worry about not getting any. Problem solved.

....and let the flaming begin...

[shh!]

Way to inflame the situation, neo!!

[Junsui]

lol oh god

[Tone]

You mean you guys are just now noticing he does this shit on purpose?

[Asip4u]

I think you should be allowed to sleep with other women. Your wife is being very inconsiderate by not even attempting to satisfy you. I understand she may not be in the mood for sex, but why can't she give you head at least? You two are married for f*ck sakes. Next time she asks you to help around the house, tell her you're not in the mood. See how she reacts. You should propose to her that you find sexual gratification elsewhere. She won't be pestered for sex anymore and you don't have to worry about not getting any. Problem solved.

hahah..Good way of solving the problem dude.

[NeoSeminole]

what do you mean on purpose? I'm being serious. I love reading some of your stupid comments like "you should talk to her" or "try to be romantic." He's been married to her for 2 1/4 yrs. He said he's discussed the problem with his wife on separate occassions. She understands it's not okay for a guy to have sex once every 2-3 months, yet she does nothing about it. He does his best to improve the situation. He tries to cook, do the dishes, clean the house, get repairs done, and do some shopping. What more can you ask of him? I think he's done everything he can. He should be able to sleep with other women if his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. I call bullshit.

[Junsui]

Yes, he should sleep with other women.

[NeoSeminole]

damn straight

[misombra]

what do you mean on purpose? I'm being serious. I love reading some of your stupid comments like "you should talk to her" or "try to be romantic." He's been married to her for 2 1/4 yrs. He said he's discussed the problem with his wife on separate occassions. She understands it's not okay for a guy to have sex once every 2-3 months, yet she does nothing about it. He does his best to improve the situation. He tries to cook, do the dishes, clean the house, get repairs done, and do some shopping. What more can you ask of him? I think he's done everything he can. He should be able to sleep with other women if his wife doesn't want to sleep with him. I call bullshit.

i guess i'll agree. i'd be pissed if my boyfriend had sex with me 5 or less times in one year.