Should I wait for his love to grow?

[midava]

Hello everybody. This is my dilemma:

I've been dating this guy for about 4 months now. He's 37 (I'm 32). He has had 2 long relationships before (5 and 8 years) and many short ones. He is LTR oriented though or at least that's what he's told me. Initially he was fascinated with me. I am an educated, stable, honest, sincere, loving and affectionate person and his last relationship on the other hand, weren't good ones. He was cheated on and hurt big time and quoting his own words he was very happy to meet me because he had never dated someone with such qualities and that made him feel that he could have a stable relationship with me.

Initially his history of traumatic relationships kind of freaked me out, because I had the feeling that he had some sort of pattern to involve with people who could not offer him stability and healthy emotions. And also that he had the typical baggage that come from these experiences. But after a while I forgot the issue because he seemed to be committed to work for our relationship.

Anyway, in the beginning everything was great. He was very romantic and all... But later, things started to change. As time passed by I started to be more emotionally involved in the relationship and have stronger feelings toward him, but he, on the other hand, were gradually becoming aloof and not as romantic and affectionate. One thing that I've always known is that he's EXTREMELY attracted to dark skinned Latins (I mean, they're the biggest turn-on for him). Even though I'm also Latin, I'm light skinned and have European features. All his former relationships (longs and shorts) have been with dark skinned latins and all of them (excepting for the first one) have been disastrous.. His partners have been cheaters, gold-diggers, liars and liked to play games.

After noticing that he was changing, last week I finally asked him what were his feelings toward me and he said that he had a "tender feeling toward me", but that he wasn't "in love" with me. Then I asked him: "If you're not in love with me what makes you want to be with me?" and he answered: "because you're cute, smart, honest and have a future" (I guess that by saying that "I have a future" he meant a "professional future", because I'm a MD and next year I'm starting my residency in Psychiatry) and then he added: "and I want to let my feelings grow toward you".

So, what I think is that since I'm not his perfect type he's not crazy about me (He doesn't feel a strong chemistry towards me), but because of the other things that I have to offer (cuteness, intelligence, honesty and "have a future": things that he hasn't found in any former relationship) I am a convenient partner. I think he is afraid of letting me go and regret it later and because of that he prefers to stay with me hoping that later on he'll start to love me for real. This hypothesis was confirmed in a conversation that I had with one of his best friends, who by the way have advised him to stay with me.

I have to admit that this whole situation has brought me down big time. I have had the impulse of just sending him to hell and breaking up with him for my own dignity's sake. But on the other hand, I like this guy like I've never liked anyone before. I see all the good things he has, things that I truly value in a boyfriend: a big heart, intelligence and great values and personality.

I am very confused. I wonder: is it really that he doesn't love me or that he's afraid of acknowledging it because of his wounds from his past relationship?

He was very passionate with me initially, but then his passion diminished.. Is that normal? (I’m not so experienced in this area unfortunately). And if is not, what future does a relationship has if it starts out of convenience (i.e. if I'm a good catch for him), but there is not such a big chemistry from his side.

Could love really be born with time under these circumstances?

Should I stay with him to give him the chance to feel love for me or am I just wasting my time? Are we both fooling ourselves?

Please, those with similar experiences in life advise. Thank you.

[Rosebud]

Just for the factor you posted the same question in 3 different threads, I'm protesting it, and will not give you any advice what so ever! That's so annoying!

[midava]

I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose. I was trying to edit the message and reposted it by mistake. I deleted the rest as soon as I realized of the error.

Just for the factor you posted the same question in 3 different threads, I'm protesting it, and will not give you any advice what so ever! That's so annoying!

[shh!]

YOu've only invested four months, sweetie. I'd let it go and keep your dignity. You seem to be more concerned about whether or not he considers YOU to be a good partner than you are about whether or not you consider HIM to be good for you. Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you could do better, but just don't know it yet.

[Rosebud]

I appreciate you doing that. Sorry to jump on you, but it happens a lot here on purpose. I'll go back and read this and see what's going on.

[Reverb]

I dated a girl recently I wasn't that into, because she was a great person, Intelligent, warm, funny, supportive, and we had an amazing amount of things in common. Problem was I just wasn't that attracted to her . I tried to make it work anyway. I tried hard, but it just wasn't there. It ended sort of badly recently, leaving me with some fresh regrets, and a more realistic outlook on relationships. My .02

[iamfeelingsad]

Midava, same thing happened to me 3 months ago, I'm still heartbroken. My advice is to leave him as soon as possible before you hurt yourself even more. I could have hurt myself much less if I werent so stubborn. It took me 3 months to finally accept that when someone doesnt feel you, you can do nothing about it. You cant make him love you by loving him more, by looking good, by spending more time with him, by changing yourself, by talking with him for hours and hours about how he actually feels, by telling him how much you hurt, by crying, by screaming at him...I tried all those, and now I wish all I did was to just walk away like I didnt care.

[Chlorine]

midava-----"I finally asked him what were his feelings toward me and he said that he had a "tender feeling toward me", but that he wasn't "in love" with me. Then I asked him: "If you're not in love with me what makes you want to be with me?" and he answered: "because you're cute, smart, honest and have a future" ..........and I want to let my feelings grow toward you".

There's your answer. He's not in love with you. The truth hurts.
You probably don't want to move on from him, so i won't tell you to do so. Just don't be dissapointed if one year from now, he says something like "I care for you (but I still am not in love with you)".

[Vanilla Gilr]

As Shhh already said...it's only been four months. In my opinion that is far too early to be worrying about love...also too soon to be having sex with each other...(not to sound sexist...but sex does complicate a womans feelings) You two barely know each other..at four months...you don't know enough to 'really' be in love...love does grow....

However...you say he's mean...you say his passion is fading...that's not a foundation to build on. That...to me...implies that you've been a pleasant past-time....and it's time for you to move on.

Next time...take time to get to know a person...before jumping into a relationship. If you want something to last...give it a good foundation...you are worth the time and effort.

[whaywardj]

Not begging the question of whether being "in love" with someone is any more or less virtuous than to "love" them, I'd guess whether you wait or not depends on what you're most enamored of: him, personally, or merely the idea of loving someone like him.

[clynn]

Well, I dont' know myself, really. I mean, my love for someone might grow over time that I'm with them. And after a while, I might think...gee, I used to think I loved that person, but if I love them now what I felt back then wasn't love it was infantile emotions or puppy love ... but now I REALLY do love them....(comparatively).

However, I questioned TAVS on a statement he made on a thread titled "Love Without Sex" that was posted a while ago. His post is below along with others responses etc.:.....seems to me that he believes it is possible for love to grow, , I'm not sure.....maybe ask him....?
Thought you might find this interesting / relevant:


TAVS
I dont think I "Love" my girlfriend yet, but it's the best sex I've ever had.

CLYNN (that's me!)

What do you mean, you don't think you love your girlfriend YET?
Like, do you expect to, in the future?

ROSEBURD
What kind of question is that? Obviously he's got a good thing going, and and he's happy!

CLYNN (That's me again)

Do you mean my question?

I just wonder how you can not love someone YET? Seems to me you either do or don't......but I'm not certain. Just looking for feedback.

ROSEBUD
Yes I was. Yes that's true you do or you don't. But I'm assuming that because he's very happy with his relationship and see's it leading to that.

TAVS

All I was trying to say was that I'm not that deep into the relationship at this time. But to answer your question, I do believe with time will come love for this woman. To be honest, I feel like I have a wall around my heart from my last relationship and that will hold me back for a time.

[Reverb]

To Vanilla Gilr,
Four months is too soon for sex?!!! wow! I'm not saying do it the first night, week or even month, but damn! Four months in a mature adult relationship seems excessive to me.

[misombra]

dump him.
__________

[whaywardj]

Let me rephrase my statements as a question: Are you in love with him, or just in love with the idea of being in love?

[Vanilla Gilr]

To Vanilla Gilr,
Four months is too soon for sex?!!! wow! I'm not saying do it the first night, week or even month, but damn! Four months in a mature adult relationship seems excessive to me.

When I was younger I thought so too....however...I'm different now from the girl I was...and I do wait as long as I need to. It would be very hard for me to just meet someone and fall into a sexual relationship with them in just a matter of months. If it was someone I'd known for awhile and we had been a 'couple' for four months...that would be different.

I guess it's just me...I want to be in love/love someone...I want there to be a good solid emtional connection before I have sex...for me...it works...because then I can completely let go and fully enjoy the sexual expeience.

I don't know...I just see so many people meeting someone and then within a month or two ...they're living together...and then a years later...they're complaining...'if I knew he/she was like that before we started living together...." Well...if people took some time to get to really know person ...they would have known some of the things....The first months of any relationship...most people are on their best behaviour...in just four months of knowing someone...you really don't.

Anyway...for me...meeting someone...and four months later...having sex... would probably not work for me. If it works for you...fine...no problem. We all need to do what's right for us.