Is he manipulative?

[Meolinda]

I’m in a distant relationship with my boyfriend but we see each other every weekend which I’m really glad for because I love him so much but one thing bothers me. We haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks because he’s on holidays with his family and we’ll see each other in September. I was meant to go to a concert by the end of the September but it turns out I’m not after my bf told me that he would like to spend more time with me because we haven’t seen each other for so long. Angry, I said “can’t even go out with my friends” and he got really angry. He said “And if i'm stopping you from seeing your friends and enjoying yourself because I want to see you as much as possible, even tho I live far away, then shouldn't of wanted to go out with me and should've broken up with me earlier”. This made me really sad but I ended up apologising because it did make sense to me since he always sacrificed himself to me. Moreover, he also got angry when I said I want to have few days where we don’t see each other on a half term because I wanted to study and the situation ended up being the same.
After I apologise etc. he says the same thing “the worst part of this is that if I haven’t mention this at all you woudn’t realise this .”

I’m just not sure what to think about this...

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I think this sounds like a situation where we would need more details (if you are wiling to share them) to really comment. Because there are just too many variables that could change the way I feel on this one to one way or another. First question, I guess, would be how long have you two been together? But I also have more specific questions related to your story.

For example, I have questions about the concert situation. How long have you known about this concert you wanted to attend in September? Did your boyfriend know you were planning to go to this concert, or was this discussion the very first time you brought it up? Also, why didn't you think of inviting him to the concert? (That isn't to imply you HAVE to as you are certainly allowed to do things separately as well, I was just curious.)

The reason I ask those questions is because it could change things a little bit. For example, if you've known about this concert for MONTHS, but are just suddenly telling him about it now, I could understand him being a little upset. You two haven't seen each other in a while and suddenly you have these plans you hadn't shared with him. He's maybe been looking forward to finally have some time together only to learn that you had plans for part of the time at least.

BUT.... that doesn't change the fact that he's also a little in the wrong here because you both should be able to have a life outside of each other. It is great to spend as much time as you can with each other... but you also do need to be able to spend time apart now and then. Not only that, but it isn't like you decided to schedule the concert so it just happened to coincide with time that you two were going to be together. I'd venture to guess the concert just happened to be during that time. So if you want to go to the concert, you have no choice but to go then.

I have a little less sympathy for him on the study issue. How the heck can he not support you taking whatever time you need to study? But, maybe it was just a case of him being upset in the heat of the moment. Truth be told, I think communication is key here. Talk to him about all this, not us. These sort of issues CAN become big enough to end a relationship if you let them.... but they don't have to. If you two talk about this, preferably when you can both calm down first, these are normal things that come up in any relationship. It is healthy to learn a good balance of time together and time to do things separately.

So is he manipulative? I'd say we don't have enough evidence to say yes or no. Is he BEING manipulative? There I would say yes. He's not being fair to you.... but he may not be doing so in a controlling or intentional way. We aren't close enough to the situation to know. Maybe it truly is just a case of a misunderstanding. Like I said, even though I do agree it sounds like he didn't handle it well, I could still understand him being upset if you two hadn't seen each other in a while, yet when you finally have that time you suddenly drop on him now a bunch of reasons you aren't available. You are allowed to have a life, I'm not saying you are wrong for that. I'm just trying to help you see how maybe he took it.

Gut reaction, this sounds to me like a situation where there really is no right or wrong. It sounds like you are both right. Just maybe more clear communication is key here. Best of luck to you.

[Hooo!]

So he goes out on holiday with his family and accuses you of not having enough time because you want to go on a concert some weekend?

And the you ask the internet who is right?

Learn to properly communicate your needs
Learn to stay down to earth and make your own decisions
Learn to communicate your decisions but also to make compromise s


And honestly if he wants to spend time with you then why doesn't he go to the concert too?

[Gina.G]

If you sense someone is manipulative, 10/10 times they are. I say that because everyone possesses the intuition to recognize manipulative behaviors in others. It's the reason we get a nagging feeling that someone is being manipulative. What he's doing to you is called "gaslighting". It's a very common tactic of manipulative people. Google it and find some examples of gaslighting. If your boyfriend uses any of the examples you find, then yes, he is manipulative. Many people are. Most of them don't realize they are being "manipulative", it's generally subconscious. These are people who have not learned how to communicate in a mature and healthy way, so they learn ways of getting information or controlling other people's behavior by using manipulative tactics. Manipulative tactics can be displayed in many different ways and are different from social influences. Essentially, a manipulative person is someone who attempts to control other people by using scheming, or conniving tactics to benefit themselves and create an imbalance of power.

If you think your boyfriend fits the signs of manipulative behavior, then he is manipulative. There's not a whole lot you can do about that, other than discuss his behavior with him and see if he is willing to listen and acknowledge his faults and take steps to change the way he handles situations in his interpersonal relationships.

[TheEvilJester]

If you sense someone is manipulative, 10/10 times they are.

I disagree with that level of certainty. Largely in part because I was once with somebody who liked to act like everybody around her was so manipulative and otherwise bad to her. I believed it for WAY too long. When we finally split, I heard all these stories I'd heard from her (about arguments with friends, difficult times with loved ones, etc.) and heard the TRUTH behind what actually happened, which always painted her in a much less flattering light than she'd led me to believe.

Not only that, but who amongst us hasn't been manipulative here and there, and often without realizing/intending it? None of us are perfect.

....BUT.... all that said, I do otherwise agree with you. It does sound like his actions/attitude are manipulative this time around. I'm just not necessarily willing to automatically make the conclusion that HE is manipulative. Especially not given the little we know about the situation, since the OP didn't share a lot of detail. You probably ARE right, though. I just don't like to deal in absolutes without enough information.