Insecurity After Breakup

[bluesummer]

Oh god, the dreaded insecurity bug is settling itself into my system.

Ever since I ended my relationship with my bf, I've started to panic. Thinking "Maybe I shouldn't have left him. Maybe I will never meet anyone who will love me like him. Maybe I will never meet anyone else that can accept all my odd flaws. Maybe I don't deserve better than him. Maybe I should just get back together with him, to be safe, and get married."

I know this is so wrong, and I don't know why I keep thinking this. Some days my self confidence is through the roof, but then it just dips down when I realize I've really and truly let go the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with. I completely panic. And I start to question whether or not I've made the right decision.

When I broke up with my last bf, there was no question in my mind whether or not I'd made the right decision. I was also bursting with confidence afterwards.

Is this a sign I maybe have made a wrong choice? Anyone else gone through this?

[shh!]

Are you kidding? Doesn't everyone go through this?

Be brave! You are letting your fear get the better of you. You aren't any more "odd" than anyone else, and based on what I've read from you, are probably less so. Besides, even if you are odd, look around - don't you see plenty of strange people who meet and marry? If they can do it, so can you!

This guy was not the last fish in the sea, and you certainly deserve better. Hang in there - it will get easier.

[whaywardj]

Nothing is written in stone, Bluesummer. As distasteful as it may now sound for me to say so, you've set the ride a-turning, now take it. Throw yourself into your new experiences, men and all, in a panic if you must, and ride out the momentum of what you've set in motion. Let the pendulum swing where it will.

Once it settles down to a more steady rhythm of oscillation, THEN assess your position in scheme of things to decide if you were right or wrong in what you chose to do.

[independent]

Yes, I have felt exactly the same way - and very recently, as you know. I still have the fleeting thoughts...

I gained 40lbs while we were together (some of which I have already lost since the break up) and he never blinked an eye. In fact, I swear he was even more attracted to me than ever.

He knows everything about me. He knows the worst things about me. And he just laughed about them - and loved me anyway. He would cuddle up with me when I had the flu. He would spoon with me even if I didnt feel like taking a bath. Yada yada yada...

He still loves me. And he still wants to try to work it out. And most days I think that is a hopeless idea. And other days (or at least for spells of time out of the day) I feel hopelessly connected to him... like I am being frivolous with this great thing called love that we obviously have.

We just didnt have some other important ingredients. And I keep getting reminded of THAT.

I'm confused as hell. I dont have any advice, of course (thank goodness, huh? LOL) but just wanted to post and say I know exactly how you feel!

[bluesummer]

... like I am being frivolous with this great thing called love that we obviously have.

Yes, that's the thing that keeps eating at me. Am I being frivoulous with love? Am I expecting too much?

I mean granted, I went through I lot of shit I shouldn't have had to, but I'm not really giving him a chance to change.

[whaywardj]

Keep in mind, ladies, what you're feeling is really nothing more than just a little chill brought on by the winds of change. That's precisely why we men so dislike change. We don't like being unsure of ourselves.

But, if one is ALWAYS in a position of surety, and arranging to stay so, how does he ever discover, much less learn, the full range of his capabilities OR his true limitations?

[independent]

I mean granted, I went through I lot of shit I shouldn't have had to, but I'm not really giving him a chance to change.

Yep, I feel exactly the same way.

Now what do we do?

I have mine moved out. We are living separately. We are currently "dating" (or something). He has called every time he said he would. He has taken initiative to ask me out to do things he KNOWS I want to do - places I would want to go, etc.

He has shown respect in a lot of ways - like not 'pawing me' or going low with things like a "booty call". Oddly (for him anyway) he is letting me make the first move in that department.

I know him well enough to know that this is his "best behavior suit". And he's wearing it well right now. He was this great when we first started dating, and that's why I fell in love with him.

So what is this now that I feel? And what does it mean?

What if I can JUST date him (not live with him anytime in the near future)... and enjoy THAT? Is that okay? I started a whole thread for it, and got told to get over it and move on with my life.

I'm having a hard time doing that...

[independent]

At the same time, I can definitely say that my life has gotten A LOT better since he moved out. I am on a great roll with my work, with my own personal goals... and back to doing things I love to do. All great things!

So can this be so bad that I am able to enjoy ME again, and also enjoy him too?

Or is it true that I am just dragging out the inevitable... or inviting more of the same (more hurt from him like that which caused this situation in the first place).

And what if I walk away now and never look back. Will I harbor regrets? Will I wonder if I "missed out" on some fate thing I was ignoring? And what if I stay... and miss out on something even greater coming down the pike (that I will never even notice if I am wrapped up in this complacent semi-relationship).

Blah

[bluesummer]

I know him well enough to know that this is his "best behavior suit". And he's wearing it well right now. He was this great when we first started dating, and that's why I fell in love with him.

I know, mine is doing the same. And my thought is....can you stay this way, knowing that you will lose me forever if you go back to what you were? I don't know if I trust this. All my friends are unconvinced and say he's just desperate to keep me.

But, if one is ALWAYS in a position of surety, and arranging to stay so, how does he ever discover, much less learn, the full range of his capabilities OR his true limitations?

I agree with this. Oftentimes, the only way to learn and grow is to step out of your comfort zone. But it feels like this time I've leapt out of my comfort zone. It might take me a little longer to regain my composure this time.

[bluesummer]

And what if I walk away now and never look back. Will I harbor regrets? Will I wonder if I "missed out" on some fate thing I was ignoring? And what if I stay... and miss out on something even greater coming down the pike (that I will never even notice if I am wrapped up in this complacent semi-relationship).

Blah

I swear you and I are sharing a brain.

[independent]

Well I wish you would hurry up and decide something definite so I can get on with my life!





J/K

[independent]

I know, mine is doing the same. And my thought is....can you stay this way, knowing that you will lose me forever if you go back to what you were? I don't know if I trust this. All my friends are unconvinced and say he's just desperate to keep me.

I dont trust it at all.

My thought is: If he could stay this way, knowing he would lose me forever if he didnt, he would have done so in the first place!!!!

[independent]

But maybe... just maybe... I should give him a chance to "catch up" now that he's been smacked with reality, and realized just how much he does love me.

*sigh*

[independent]

Quick question, BlueSummer:

If you were going to give this one shot to either work out, or not... how much time would you devote to it? 6 months? Or what would be fair?

How long would it take for you to stop waking up every single morning wondering if THIS is the day he turns back into a jerk??

[bluesummer]

If I were, which I'm currently not, I would say maybe three months. If I see any former behaviours working their way back in, in any form, before that time, I'd think it would be safe to say I'd made the right decision.

In some ways I'm being reaffirmed, as my ex has already started to 'give up'....after two weeks. He's started getting all bitter and moody with me. I understand he's hurt, but to think he thought a couple days of tears and flowers and love letters and housecleaning would be enough to change my 'feeble' mind is sort of insulting.