Why dating advice on the internet is mostly useless

[Billyman3000]

(it's been a while since I've posted, it's great to be back, though)

So yeah, imagine that you're this average guy who wants a girlfriend but keeps getting rejected/doesn't know where to start. Naturally, you decide to ask on the internet what people think, since it's a place where new ideas are flowing every second. However, it may be counter-productive, since most advice people give you often make you even more neurotic than you already were. Here are, in my honest opinion, some of the mistakes "dating gurus" make when trying to pop your dating cherry:

1. They assume that you're constantly depressed because you can't get laid

Humans are social creatures, wanting a romantic partner is a totally natural thing and no one was made to be an island. Therefore, it's completely natural when someone starts getting a little desperate when he's been alone for a long time. However, this doesn't mean that it's all they think about, there are way more stuff in their heads than just relationships, even though the latter is one of the (if not the most) important aspect(s) of life. Even if you are the happiest being single, it's never as good as being in a relationship with someone(I won't need to mention that your SO needs to be minimally compatible), so it's completely understandable when someone gets sad for being alone for too long.

So, instead of bashing someone for feeling a completely natural thing - loneliness - and assuming that they're always like this, start telling people what to do in order to get over that feeling, whether it's getting a girlfriend(most commonly) or something else.

"But there are people who never find anyone and are perfectly fine with it". Cool for them, let them live their lives as they want, but if someone wants to have a loving relationship you should respect that too. Everyone is different and deserves respect for the way they think.

2. "You need to love yourself before you love others"

Even though I agree that focusing on our emotional well-being and self-care should be a priority, this is completely different from "needing to love yourself before you love others". What they normally mean is that people need a certain amount of "self-love" in order to be qualified for a relationship. This is what scientists call "bullshit". First off, self-esteem is not a destination, it's a journey. There isn't a "finish line" of self-esteem that, when you reach it, everything will be sunshine and rainbows and you'll finally deserve to be loved.

Second of all, life is way more complicated than that, you may feel blissful one day and then hit rock bottom the next one, and this doesn't mean that you don't love yourself, it means that the journey to a better self-esteem is not a straight road but an uphill climb and sometimes people lose their footing. This doesn't mean that you're undeserving of love and that you don't love yourself, it means that you're human. You deserve to be loved not because you reached a certain amount of self-esteem, you deserve to be loved because you're you!

Finally, there are extremely important benefits of building and maintaining a relationship in our early stages of the journey for self-esteem. Having someone by your side who loves you, motivates you, cares for you and wants what's best for you is a hugely overlooked and important resource, it can push you to work harder in a very real way! The way other people look at ourselves is way different from ours, they can see beauty where we only see darkness, they see an entertaining and intelligent person where we only see a boring, uninteresting loser. I'm not saying that we depend on other people's vision of ourselves, but it's certainly an enormous help in our quest for self-esteem.

3. "If you're confident, everything goes your way! Confidence is key!"

This one is partially true. Confidence is a very attractive trait, yes, but it's not a decision we can made. We can't simply snap our fingers and BAM! we're confident. Confidence is merely a byproduct of success. You need some kind of social/sexual/romantic success before you can have genuine confidence. Confidence without success is delusional and/or dishonest, thus fake, and others will quickly recognize it as such.


It’s not really the confidence itself that people are attracted to. Confidence is merely what results when someone has the qualities that are really attracting us. If someone is good-looking or quick-witted, others will be attracted to them. This will make them feel confident. So when someone tells you they are attracted to confidence, they are lying! (whether consciously or subconsciously) What they’re really attracted to are the traits that make confidence possible.After all, we all know that good looks, wealth and social skills are attractive! So when someone says they’re attracted to confidence, what it means is that they’re attracted to success & the factors that make success possible. The confidence itself merely exists as a sign that those other factors (the real attractors) are present.


Plus, when people mention confidence, 98% of the time they are unwittingly referring to one specific kind: social confidence. By its definition, it requires support and acceptance from others (in your own age group) before it can exist. The process of getting it takes time, and setting small, achievable goals and focusing on growth so that you can build your self image is the way to go. I'm not saying that confidence is entirely bestowed by others. Confidence is interpreting your past results in a positive way. Confident people ultimately have learned the skill of emphasizing moments of success and downplaying moments of failure.


Finally, confidence may be important but it's not a magic sauce that'll solve all your dating problems. Thinking that you only need confidence to get a girlfriend is idiotic(if you want a girl who has something other than shit inside her head). Confidence is merely one piece of the puzzle that is female attraction. No two girls are ever the same, one may find you appealing, the other may look at it as cringeworthy and off-putting. Female attraction is absolutely non-linear and confidence alone doesn't do much, it needs to be paired with other desirable traits such as good looks, being funny and interesting, etc.

4. "Talking to girls is a whole new level of social skill"

Sorry to burst your bubble but no, talking to girls is not a hugely complicated problem. They're humans, just like guys, talking to them like they're a goddamn alien race is just ****ing stupid. And yes, some girls are stingy bitches who almost accuse you of sexual harassment only because you spoke to them, but trust me when I'm telling you that they are just as nice as guys and will talk to you about anything and everything. One thing that usually helps is looking at a girl as a potential friend, this allows you to be free of any pressure regarding dating and hey, things happen when you least expect it, don't they?


I'm not saying that girls are easy to attract(as I said earlier, female attraction is complicated). However, if you look at them as a whole new type of human being yet to be understood, you'll have a hard time getting a girlfriend. It's not rocket science!

As a final word of advice, I'd like to say: STOP READING SO MUCH ADVICE ON THE INTERNET AND PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. GET A DATE, GET REJECTED, WIN SOME AND LEARN SOME! FIND YOUR WAY AROUND THE DATING MAZE!

[Hooo!]

Yes. Stop reading this and go **** someone instead.
I agree with that
Very Deep
Enlightening i would call it

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know if I go so far as to say that most internet dating advice is useless...

But I have to say that I agree with almost everything you said. Especially with your list item [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2]#2[/URL] . That advice has always been a HUGE pet peeve of mine. That one and it's twin sister of "If you can't love yourself, nobody else will ever love you." For some people (myself included) you might as well just say "Nobody will ever love you." How does "advice" like that make ANY sense when being alone, and seeming hopeless to change that situation is such a large part of why some people DON'T love themselves?

And just as you said, it isn't like I am saying you can be miserable and go around life being miserable, depressed, and constantly negative and think love will find you and save your life. It also doesn't mean I disagree with the INTENTION behind that advice. We do all need to learn to appreciate ourselves. I would never deny that. I've often said on here how the ultimate goal should be to find enough love and happiness in yourself to not NEED love... but yet to want it and ultimately find it anyway. But, as you say, that is a journey. Not a skill we can acquire and then we are suddenly good for the rest of our lives.

I also agree that confidence isn't some magic bullet. Confidence is very important, but just like you say it is just part of the package. It can help you to attract the right kind of people your way and can help you to eventually find the right person.... but you can also be the most confident person in the world and still not find anybody. Or, you can be ridiculously un-confident, but just luck into the right situation. Confidence is great and we should all strive for it... but it's not some guaranteed love/success potion that will have everything we want handed to us on a silver platter.

Overly-simplistic advice like that isn't helpful. Don't get me wrong. I know people usually mean well, and they are usually genuinely trying to help. But, I myself know from experience that things like this don't help because it truly isn't that simple. Not for some of us. To some people saying "You need to love yourself before anybody else can love you" may be all they need to hear to life the clouds and send them in the right direction. For guys like me, you might as well just be saying "nobody will ever love you." I am doing so much better on my own personal journey these days. Appreciating myself so much more than I ever thought I could. But I've been at rock bottom before and know from experience how frustrating it can be when people act like it is just so easy.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I enjoyed reading that.

[Gina.G]

People learn the most from rejection and trial and error. I agree, receiving advice can create limitations for some people, based on the information provided and the replies they may receive. Everyone's situation is unique to them and their own life, and not every piece of advice is helpful for people. That being said, some people don't have positive relationships with enough people around them to get advice IRL. So they come to internet fora, looking for some insight to their issues. The people who are the most annoying are the askholes who use advice fora as a ruse to get attention, with zero intention of ever using anyone's advice. They use this format to have other people they don't know validate their thoughts and opinions, because some people (a lot of people, actually) rely on "being right" more than looking at how their choices have brought them to the point they're at in life.

[GLYC]

1. Nope.
2. Actually partially true. If you don't love yourself, you will fail in many areas of your life. It's normal to not like things about yourself, I would say, it's even healthy.
3. Lol, no. Definitely not the reality, but it will help you and you do need some of it.
4. Not really, but it does require confidence.


I agree, advice only does so much for you. And it's also important to not become a robot and just rely on technique. I would say that the best dating gurus are going to be those that force you to question yourself and how you show up. Being good at dating is really about having a different mindframe. More so in staying true to yourself, by still being genuine. But also, being that way in a healthy manner.

I don't think advice is bad however. Some people definitely do have issues that they should look into. And some people just naturally are very good at dating, and have a great character to them.

[TheEvilJester]

People learn the most from rejection and trial and error. I agree, receiving advice can create limitations for some people, based on the information provided and the replies they may receive. Everyone's situation is unique to them and their own life, and not every piece of advice is helpful for people. That being said, some people don't have positive relationships with enough people around them to get advice IRL. So they come to internet fora, looking for some insight to their issues. The people who are the most annoying are the askholes who use advice fora as a ruse to get attention, with zero intention of ever using anyone's advice. They use this format to have other people they don't know validate their thoughts and opinions, because some people (a lot of people, actually) rely on "being right" more than looking at how their choices have brought them to the point they're at in life.

100% agreed. When somebody is coming to us for advice, I would almost never 100% blame them. Even if it seems they may well be 100% the problem and they aren't getting that... blaming them isn't going to help. Yelling at them, belittling them, etc. isn't going to help. ...At the same time, though, ALL of us can use a little self-improvement now and then. It never hurts to examine yourself and decide if there are things you may want to change for the better. If certain things in life aren't going your way, it never hurts to take a closer look and see if there may be some ways you are contributing to them not going well.

So, I completely agree that you often have to be part of your own solution. ...It's just, at the same time, some of that is also out of our control. Again, that's why I've always hated simplistic advice like "If you can't love yourself, nobody else will ever love you." That's completely unhelpful and untrue. I think the better advice is if you constantly act like somebody who can't love yourself then nobody else ever will. In other words, some people get so trapped in their misery that it seems like every word out of their mouth is all about how much they suck, and are ugly, and nobody will ever love them, etc. etc.

If you are constantly that negative, then of course you are going to drive people away. I speak from experience as somebody who has been that low before. At that point, you aren't even giving yourself a chance. You need to at least give yourself a fighting chance. Who amongst us doesn't occasionally feel a little down on themselves? You just can't let them control too much of your life. Of who you are, of how you act, etc.