need advice...please

[xatoris]

Dear Bros/Sis,

I wish to share my current situation and seek some good advices from u guys.

I gotta know my current gf at workplace. She's 31 and I am 35. We had knew each other for about 2 years but did not really keep in contact until late last year. Subsequently, we went into a relationship since April this year. Though she did not say, "yes lets be together" but I believe actions speaks louder than words right.

So, starting was fine and we almost video chat every day. However, she is quite conservative and didn't want to declare our relationship at workplace which is fine for me as well. We then went to our first overseas trip in June and we got intimate but I think I too long never do so it does not end with what it should be. (I hop u guys understand).

Subsequently, I realized that whenever we meet, she would sometimes goes silence and until 1 point I asked her what's wrong and she said I always talk about work only. So after that I never really talk about work anymore and more personal questions. However, I realized she don't answer my video call often like before and he msg reply would be rather short.

Also note that since first day, she had never msg me first and it was always me who msg her first.

Just recently, I finally asked her why is she acting hot and cold towards me. She then finally admitted that she could not really let go of her past relationship who had been together for about 7-8 years. She said she could not really focus in our relationship. I told her I'll wait and she said, "you want to wait is your problem. I just want to let u know how I feel now. Even if u don't wait, I will not say u are not good or what".

Since then, we still go out together and like couples, with French kiss and stuffs but she is still very cold towards me. I asked my female friends and they said I should just break off but to me, if she's really not interested in me at all, I mean at all, why would she still go out with me and does not reject me kissing her and stuffs??

I am really confused. I know I should just give up but I am holding on to that little chance that she was just testing me and see my endurance.

Please share your advices.

Thank you.

[ConnyFluff]

This guy I know. Has a classmate that went to the same high school as him. They were in the same classes at university.

He wasn’t into her at all, but they hung out as friends with other classmates during high school. She was always nice, but nothing more.

At university they didn’t hang out much. But one day they started talking and she told him how much casual and public sex during the summer. He thought it was really out of place and odd thing to start talking to him about.

Was she flirting? Or trying to make him jealous?

[Lucile Louise]

Why not try to woo her again? Help her forget her past relationship and focus on the present-you and her.

Try some of these tips I found at https://fckme.org/your-guide-to-get-and-keep-the-woman-you-want/.

Push Pull
A relationship is like a dance. You take two steps forward and two steps back. If you take too many steps forward, you end up chasing her. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t what the woman wants. She knows that valuable things require work to attain. If you make it to easy for her to “get you”, then she won’t value the relationship.

You should be one step behind her in the relationship. If she sends you two texts, then you send her one. You’ll also want to change it up a bit. Move in closer, and then pull back. This is one of the biggest things you can do to keep her interested. This concept is called mirroring, and it was first mentioned in The Art of Love, a poem written in 2 a.d. What works the best, however, is mirroring minus one. You mirror her emotions back to her, only you show a little less interest than she does. If she moves in closer, so do you, but not quite as much. When she withdraws, you withdraw as well.

Get Her Invested
You want to make her feel special, but you want her to put work into the relationship to. The more invested she is, the less likely she is to lose interest. Picture a slot machine. When a woman puts a few coins in, she isn’t very invested in the outcome. After an hour, she’s much more invested in the machine, and she’s much more likely to keep playing until she wins.

Don’t Put Her on a Pedestal
You want to be nice to her and make her feel valued, but you need to value yourself as well. Make her work for your attention at times, and lavish her with it at other times. Keep her chasing you, but be sure to reward her enough that she doesn’t give up on pleasing you.

Nice Guys Finish Last
Maybe you are the nice guy, or maybe you know someone who is. They treat women very well. However, they end up in the friend zone, the woman loses interest in the relationship, or she takes total control over the guy. You don’t want to be this guy. Respect yourself enough to not give too much, and you’ll be able to walk that fine line between being “a nice sexy man” and a “nice guy”.

Live Your Life
You’ll want to include your special lady in your life, but you should still have a life. Don’t drop everything to be with her on a regular basis. Doing so occasionally can make her feel wanted, but doing so on a regular basis makes you look clingy. Continue to do the things that you did before you got together. Don’t blow her off for no reason, but don’t be at her beck and call all of the time, either.

Listen to Her
Guys, this is a biggie. If you want to keep a woman interested, you need to listen to her. Be interested in what she is saying. Ironically, not listening to a woman may be a biological issue. Women’s voices are very different than men’s. They are much more complicated. Studies have shown that men actually have a harder time deciphering a woman’s voice.

Here’s a common scenario. You are busy doing something, and your girlfriend is trying to talk to you. You ignore her. then your friend comes in, and you start talking to him. You can blame it on biology, but it won’t make her feel any better.

Take time out when you are focusing on your conversation with each other. Get rid of potential distractions. Look in her eyes. Hold her hand, and listen to her. It will make her feel loved and valued, and she will see you as a great catch. Remember it doesn’t take a lot of time and effort to tune in to her for a few minutes, and the reward is well worth it.

Let Her Know She’s Special
There are different ways to make your lady feel special. Plan a romantic date and surprise her with it. Light candles in your bedroom and surprise her with a sexy nighty.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel about her. You’ll want to mirror her feelings, but be a little less intense than her. If she says I love you, say I think I’m falling for you. Don’t say anything that you don’t feel, and hold back just a little.

Leave Her Wanting More
This is one of the best tips you will ever get. Always leave her wanting more. Whether it’s phsycial contact, revealing your emotions, or your time, always leave her wanting more. Try taking her to bed, getting her sexually excited, and then getting up and leaving. Tell her that the waiting will make your next time together incredible. It will drive her crazy, and will certainly keep her interested. Just be sure that you are withholding in a playful manner so you don’t seem like a jerk.

[TheEvilJester]

I could maybe be wrong, but I personally disagree with bothering to try to woo her again. At this point, even though I know it isn't what you want to do, I think it would be better to move on and forget her. She told you that she was still hung up on her past relationship. Maybe that is true, maybe that is her just trying to let you down easy and thinking she is sparing your feelings. We can't know that any more than you can.

But, either way, the end result is the same. She's not putting the attention into your relationship that you deserve. You are not somebody's consolation prize. So you should not wait around for her just hoping she'll eventually pick you. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to vilify her. Maybe she honestly is just stuck on an old relationship. I can understand that. Or maybe she did just say that in hopes of rejecting you in the nicest way possible to spare your feelings. She may never have meant to hurt you. But, either way, she is not/maybe cannot put her full attention into your relationship.

Heck, in time maybe she will get over her ex, and in time maybe she WOULD decide she'd like to give you a serious chance. So it isn't like you have to burn the bridge, tell her to F off, and all that. You can leave the window open for her.... but you should probably move on as though it were over and as though that never would change. That way, if it never does, at least you aren't wasting time waiting for her when you could be finding other women. But, if it DOES change, you can always decide then if you want to give her another chance.

But, far be it from me to ever tell somebody what to do. That is what I would personally suggest... but if you truly insist upon still giving this relationship a chance, I think my suggestion would be to at least have some kind of time frame in your own mind for what you feel would be reasonable to wait. You can respect her wishes and give her time to deal with her stuff and get over her ex.... but that time should not be years and years. Eventually, if she wants to continue a relationship with you, she needs to do so with her full heart and with the intention of taking it seriously. Maybe you two will work out really well, maybe you won't anyway in the end. But, you certainly won't if she's not even giving it the full attention you deserve.

Best of luck to you either way.

[Snow White]

Once again, I agree with EvilJester. While he is always sensitive and tactful, I will point out to you that she was quite clear and honest by telling you she wasn't over her past relationship and if you wanted to wait around, that was up to you. She's not going to break up with you because having someone is better than being alone.

You said yourself that she is cold to you. Do you enjoy being treated that way? She is not testing your endurance. To her, you are just better than have nothing.

[TheEvilJester]

I will point out to you that she was quite clear and honest by telling you she wasn't over her past relationship and if you wanted to wait around, that was up to you.

Yeah, in fact... it's not only that. She, apparently said to you "if you want to wait, that's your problem." That's definitely not vague in the slightest. Me personally, I interpreted that as "I'm telling you I'm not interested. I don't know why you'd want to wait for me. But, it's no sweat off my nose if you want to waste your time."

Again, it's not like I am a mind-reader. I COULD be wrong... but that was how it hit me personally. Hence why, again, my personal advice would be you should move on. But, again, if you aren't ready for that, then please at least care enough about yourself to have some kind of threshold for where eventually you will move on if nothing gets better.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?