Confused....

[chinita]

I couldnt understand why he can have cyber sex with his ex (i assumed, 80%) and then few days later telling me that he miss me and having all this "poor me", wanting me back behaviour. Is this considers normal to a guy? Are guys usually like that?

I love him very much and miss him a lot too, but i just dont know what to do............

[stoph8ting87]

As Whayward said, it is obvious he wants you back. He is giving you a guilt trip and trying to make you feel sorry for him; The sad looks, saying he doesn't want to go home, exagurating the lump on his back, generally being down on himself. He's got a "poor me" personality.

To take the other side...

If your positive he wants you back, and you still have feelings for him. I would give him another chance, if you can handle that. But before you do that you have to confront him and ask him about the pictures and explain to him how you came across them. I think most people overlook how easy it can be to forgive and forget and move on. Many relationships end in a big disagreement or someone holding a grudge. I would follow your heart on this one.

Good luck to you

[whaywardj]

Stand back, Chinita. You're too close to it.

It's a process. Some days he's going feel this way about things. Other days, he's going to feel another way. You, too. Since you guys broke up prior to his re-connecting with his ex (presumably), it's, really, none of your business and you don't need to understand anything about it.

If, after you two have spent some time apart thinking things through, and you DO get back together, then it IS your business and he shouldn't be doing it or anything like it without your knowing and knowing why.

[chinita]

I understand that i have no right to be angry over what he did shortly after we broke up, im just very dissappointed.

Like you said Whay, Some days he feel this way about things and other days, he is feels another way. After spending some time thinking about what had happened to our relationship, I told myself that I gotta make my mind up. As much as I miss him and love him, I cant make myself like a shelter home, where he can always come home to whenever he feels lonely, miss me or miserable. Althought everytime when i saw his sad, "poor me" face, it feels like a thousand niddles poking into my heart.

and a little more background on our relationship:

He is my first love, im now 25 and he is 27. We met each other college back in my home country (Malaysia). I am completely head over heels for him. Shortly after we started dating, we moved in together and have been living together ever since. His family moved to China after he graduated, but he decided to stay and got a job in Malaysian. We rented a nice apartment together, sharing the rent and living costs (both of us already working at that time) and we were happy.

About a year later, he decided to go to Canada to study, so he left to China to spend sometimes with his family and then he will leave to Canada from there. We were separated for 2 months (not break up, just that it became a long distance relationship, and we talked on the phone almost every day), I joined him afterwards because i simply couldnt stand living without him anymore.

He has many gfs before me, and some he still keep in touch with. One of them is his first love, and the other ex of his is the one before me, she cheated on him (which also the same one i think he is having cyber sex with recently). I always have isssues with this 2 ex gf of his (everytime when he writes to them, when I show up he will then quickly close the window like he is hiding something.)and we have also fought many time because of them too, but he told me that he had moved on and they are just good friends.

We spent 6 months in China living with his family, that was one of the happiest time we had in our relationship. At the end of the 6 months, he got his visa to study in Canada. And almost roughly at the same time, I found his first love pictures in his wallet, yes, he still keeping them close to him after 6 years. I was so furious that I wanted to fly back home immediately. But at the end he apologize and took those photos away and promised me that it will never happen again, he said that those are just good memory that he keeps, nothing more. And I love him so much that I chose to believe him. Few weeks before he depart to Canada, I told him that I am not going with him this time because I dont have the money. I still remember that night very clearly, he cried like a baby telling me that he wanted me to come with him. So he spent the money he earned while he was in china and bought me a ticket (with a little help from his parents, they like me alot and they want me to go with him too coz they know that i'll take good care of him). I was very happy, and feel like the luckiest woman on earth.

So, we came to canada together almost 4 years ago. We have no one else here in this new country aside from each other. Things went pretty smoothly for the first couple of years. It was last Christmas he told me for the first time that he is bored of the relationship and wanted to take a break. So I moved out, and we live separetly for a while. In less that 2 months, we get back together again, because we both miss each other a lot.

Everything seems to be fine afterwards until about a month later I found a naked photos of his ex (the one that cheat on him and the same girl i think hes having cyber sex with recently). I was so upset and hurt that I keep myself away from him for few days. I confronted him afterwards, and he explained in a casual way that it's nothing but a tease from his naughty ex gf. He didnt expect to receive the photo as well but he just treated it as a lifedrawing photos, nothing special. I dont know what you all will do if this things happened to you, but again, I chose forgive and believe him.

So many time have we fought over his ex gfs, as much as i wanted to, I dont know if can trust him anymore with his ex gfs if we ever get back together. Is there really such thing being good friends with your ex? Is it too much asking him stay away and NC with his ex gf if we ever get back together?

How long it usually takes for someone to think things through? Im ready to talk, i think, how do i know when is the best time or he is ready for it? Or should i wait and see what happens?

I wish I could love him less.............................................. ........................

Long story, but I hope you guys dont mind. Just need to let them out . Gosh, so nice to have a forum like this, it helps alot. Thanks very much guys!

[misombra]

dump him.
________

[whaywardj]

"Life drawing photos," my ass. And: He wants a break, but YOU moved out? Bullshit to that. HE should've moved out and not put you through the trouble of it. I don't believe a word of what he's telling you, and it seems a little as if he's dragging you around from one place to the next just to keep you on hand. If he's all that sad about not being with you, and always wants you around, why the **** doesn't he just go ahead and marry you?

There's no excuse for him maintaining contact with his ex's as he is. If for no other reason than it makes you uncomfortable, he should dump all the momentos and stop all contact with them whatsoever, if that what it takes for you to feel okay.

Regardless of whether you have any friends where you NOW are, I agree completely with Misombra. Dump this ******* and strike out on your own. You WILL find someone else more deserving to give your devotion to.

[chinita]

We saw each other today, I told him that we should leave each other alone for a while from now on. He said that he felt like an *******, but he just needed time to do some soul searching, get the "demons" in him out. I told him at I couldnt just sit here and wait, im tired of this and i wanted to move on now. I also told him that i cant trust him no more because of what he did, if he really love me, he will have to proof it and gain my trust again. But Im not sure if it's going to happen anyway, the future is unknown, maybe it's too late for him already.

Thanks alot guys for all the advice. you guys are great.

And Whay, you words is a like slap to my face, makes me wake up and realize how weak i was taking all this crap and let all this things happened to me. But from now on no more, I promise myself to love myself, taking no crap from no one anymore, I learnt from it and gotta move on. I actually feel proud of what i did today.

This is going to be a long process, hard and painful, but it's a step I have to take.

It's snowing right now outside, snowing in Vancouver at this time of the year is very rare, but it's beautiful...

[whaywardj]

...I also told him that i cant trust him no more because of what he did, if he really love me, he will have to proof it and gain my trust again....It's snowing right now outside, snowing in Vancouver at this time of the year is very rare, but it's beautiful...

A nice thing to contemplate, but it rarely happens. Once broken, most people don't have sufficient capacity to forgive for trust to be re-acquired. Meanwhile, others don't have sufficient discipline to honor having been forgiven.

Interesting, don't you think, that it's snowing as you make your decision? the phrase "[URL=http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/44200.html]pure as the driven snow[/URL]" comes to mind.

[idlewild]

Hi chinita, your boyfriend (ex) sounds remarkably like me (it's not don't worry!) i have posted check out "what can i do" he acts the same as me and the truth is he doesn't know what he wants thats the problem and i'm telling you know it's gonna hurt and take time but what you did on the bus was the best thing you could have done. He will try harder to get back with you but keep strong and don't he will get bored again the relationship finished for a reson it's time to move on. It will take him longer to see this but he will agree in the end.

We broke up mutually and agreed to remain friends, because he is bored of the relationship and needed sometimes to think about it. He also said that 1 part of him couldnt leave without me, but the another part of him just wanted to go away. (we were together for 5 years, and we've been living together ever since a couple months we started to date each other 5 years ago)

As for the pictures, It happened when I was there using his computer to scan and print some stuff (that was a week ago, and I need to get the documents done urgent, and his place is near by). I accidently saw those pictures when Im trying to save my scanned files in the computer. You know, when you close a file in photoshop, they will ask you if you would like to save the file, and then a saving destination will pop up if you say yes. And I think he probably took the photos the day before or so, because that's the destinantion that pop up when I clicked yes, and there you go, I saw the thumb nails of his naked photos.

I was so shock at that moment that I dont know how to react. I didnt go through them, I just quickly close the window as soon as I realize what I saw, save my file, then left. He was there too, but he didnt know that I saw them. And he wanted me to stay and hang out more too that day but I just had to go because I couldnt look at him any minute longer, It will reminds me of the pictures. So I left, and he thouhgt that I was in a bad mood or something. And untill now, he still have no ideas that I saw them.

I couldnt sleep yesterday night after coming back from the dinner party. I am lost and dont know what to do. What is he that he wants? Perhaps him doenst know either himself.

[Penny_Wise]

If he wants to let the demons inside him out I could refer you to a good catholic priest. But only if you want.

[Tone]

Penny Wise... THE DANCING CLOWN???

[chinita]

"Here's a thing i've been keeping for years that i thought you might
like to read. Its written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Anyways, he wrote this years ago and i find i live by it day by day.

1. I love you not for who you are.....
but for who I am when I'm with you.

2. Nodoby deserves your tears, and whoever
deserves them wont make you cry.

3. Only because someone doesnt love you the way you want to, doesnt mean
he doesnt love you with all his being.

4. A true friend is he/she who takes your hand and touches
your heart.

5. The worse way of missing someone is sitting next to him/her and
knowing you'll never have him.

6. Never stop smiling, even when you're sad, because you never know who
might fall in love with your smile.

7. You may be only one person for the whole world, but for one person
you are the world.

8. Dont spend time with someone who doesnt want to spend it with you.

9. Maybe god wants you to meet many wrong people
before you know the right one, so that when you finally do,
you know to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened.

11. There will always be people who hurt you, so the only thing
left to do is to keep trusting and be more cautious with who
you trust twice.

12. Become a better person and make sure you know
who you are before you meet someone else and expect them
to know who you are.

13. Don't strain too much, the best things happen when you
least expect them.

"In a way, I have always lived by these sayings, regardless of them
being written down by Marquez. But I find that reading them helps me
remember what I need to do with my life, what choices I need to make
and what I need to do to keep my honesty and integrity."

Above is what my ex wrote to me today, and he ended the email with "Yours always, with love, ******"

And I dont think im going to write back........

[whaywardj]

Someone pass me the insulin.

[whaywardj]

...And I dont think im going to write back........

Please. Don't.

"I don't love you for who you are..." indeed. That pretty much says it all.

[chinita]

I am not writing back to him, hayward, i promise. You've been very helpful, I really appreciate that. There should be more people like you in the world...

Just want to let you all know that I found a lot of courage here in this forum, thanks everybody!

A Big hug for Hayward and all of you here.