How to love her when i suddenly just stopped feeling love for her.

[mohit0]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and i really need help.

I have a girlfriend, our relationship is nearly 5 years old now. But this January she left me saying she didnt love me anymore, she cared for me but just didnt love me.
I knew she just needed some alone time cuz relationships can be pretty hard. So i stayed in touch, did some little talks now and then asking how she was and nothing more.
And one day she told me that she did love me all the time but not as crazily like before thats why she wasn't sure if she should stay with me or not.
So i told her that i miss her and i still love her. So she is currently back with me giving the relationship another try cuz she said so herself that she just can't live without me.

The problem -
When we were barely talking, I always loved her so much, i always missed her and now that she is kinda back last Tuesday i suddenly stopped feeling love for her.
I still do care, i really dont want to live without her. She's very kind, pretty and literally the best person i have ever met in my life.
I dont know why i'm always having this negative feeling in my mind that i dont love her, chatting with here now feels a bit heavy cuz we dont have much to talk about.

Can somebody please give me some guidance? i dont wanna live without her or leave her and i really do want to love her but i dont know what happened to me suddenly.
How can we get more things to talk about? cuz i really think we have run out of everything. We've told each other everything about ourselves and all.

I would really appreciate if someone can help.

Thanks for reading.

[TheEvilJester]

This is definitely a situation where none of us can tell you what to do. Because, it really could go either way, and that really is up to you. The thing is, it could very well be there is just part of you that is hurting from her leaving you (even though she did come back) and that you are in doubt because of that.

.....BUT... it could also be that having some time apart from her, and now being back together... you realize that maybe you aren't in love with her anymore. None of us are going to be able to tell you which it is, only you can really know. I do wish I could offer more helpful advice, but this is a case where we can't really comment with any certainty.

I guess I'd say just maybe don't rush into either decision yet. Take some time to think about it and see how you feel in time. In time if you decide that you still love her but aren't IN LOVE with her, then it would be best to part ways even if that does wind up meaning you have to lose each other. Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, but you would definitely both be much better off parting ways than you would stuck in a relationship where you are not in love anymore just because one or both of you doesn't want to hurt the other.

By the same token, all relationships have a honeymoon phase where you are madly, crazy in love.... but then that fades over time and you feel more comfortable with each other. That doesn't HAVE to mean you are no longer in love. That can actually be when it becomes so much deeper because you know each other flaws and all, the excitement and newness of it is gone, and yet you still are in love and want to be together.

Not an easy decision you have ahead of you, so I wish you the absolute best of luck in figuring it out. I hope you are able to do what you truly feel is best, no matter what that winds up being.

[mohit0]

hello,
thank you so much for replying.

I asked a friend he said if i miss her in things its love.
I do miss her, i dont wanna live without her, when im with her its mostly fun but i feel some pressure that im not truly loving her.

I searched the whole internet, watched a ton of ted Talks. But i can't find any guidance anywhere.
Please help me, even some little advice will really help me out.
I really want this relationship to work, i really do like her but i can't figure what SUDDENLY happened to me.
I really want to keep her happy all the time, but if this feeling doesn't go away i may not be able to keep her happy.
When she wasn't with me i missed her like 24x7 and now that she's with me im not SUDDENLY not loving her, no idea what happened to me suddenly....

Please i really request you any help at all cuz if this relationship can work, it'll be the best thing in my life, she's so loving, kind and fun i really don't want to loose her.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, for more specific advice, hopefully some others can chime in with their thoughts. I'll admit to this not particularly being an area of expertise for me.

But, I guess maybe one thing that could help is to visualize the rest of your life with her, and visualize the rest of your life without her. In your life without her, imagine what it might be like if you met somebody ELSE and you and new girl fell in love. In your life with her, imagine what it would be like if some other woman had interest in you... do you think you would be interested in her as well, or do you think you'd only want to be with your current lady.

I know all of that would just be speculation, even for you yourself. It isn't like you'd KNOW... but maybe it could help to some degree to get a feel for how you are feeling. Because, again, you can certainly love somebody but not be IN LOVE with them. MAYBE that is the case with you and her now. MAYBE you love her, but you are finding you just aren't IN LOVE with her. ...But again, MAYBE you are, and you are just still hurting a bit from the recent distance between you two.

You mentioned that she first took this break from you in January. When did you two finally get back together? I only ask because it may even just be a matter of giving yourself some time to think it out. Often times, this is the sort of thing that will become clearer when you just give it time. Within reason, of course. I'm not talking about dragging it on for YEARS and still being stuck in limbo uncertain of whether or not you still feel the same about her. But, sometimes in time it becomes more clear whether you love her AND are in love with her or you love her the way you would a friend or family member.

Again, I wish I could give you more specific advice. It just isn't an easy question to answer. Especially not for us on the outside. Heck, if it were so easy you wouldn't be here in the first place. Again, though, I wish you the absolute best luck and hope you are able to decide. Even if what you ultimately feel is right winds up being very hard initially, at least know that it would be for the best in the long run. Hopefully that doesn't wind up being the route you have to take, but if it is you'd both be better off making that decision rather than dragging it on. Again, good luck.

[mohit0]

we finally got back together a month ago. And everything was just perfect. I was enjoying texting her, spending whatever time i could with her whenever i could.
But suddenly i dont know what happened and i stopped getting excited, texting started to feel a bit of a burden as we didn't have much to talk about.
When im with her, Im mostly happy, when i see her smile it makes me really happy but i also feel very sad when i realize that i'm not loving her as much as she deserves.

You said `imagine yourself being with another girl` and i did and kissing someone else, holding someone else's hand really will feel like hell. I cant love anyone else like i love her.
Even though she wasnt with me for like 7 months, i never wanted to have relationship with any other girl. One girl did become a friend but then i didnt want anything to go further so i stopped her right there as well and no i dont like that girl if that info is necessary.

You said i might be hurt from her leaving? I can say im not. Her taking a break was kinda devastating but i never despised her or anything.

I seriously want to make this work. I just dont know whats going on with me....

If i could somehow hack my brain or something, my life would be so much better cuz currently im not happy at all cuz i know she loves me but im not loving her back.
I try my best to laugh when she makes a joke but its not coming from the heart.
I do enjoy talking to her for a bit but after that all those negative thoughts come again that damn i have nothing to add to his conversation and im really doing wrong with her.

[Snow White]

First of all, being someone who has been in a long term relationship, I don';t think you are being or actually know what being in one is like. I have been with the same man for twenty years and sometimes we are out and have nothing to talk about and I will think "what has happened to us" and other times there can be a deep connection without barely speaking a word.

Sometimes, when we have a breakup, we feel like we have lost the best thing in our worlds and always forget the negative things. The heart knows what it wants. You cannot try to fool it or rationaiize with it. You know exactly how you feel and asking strangers is not going to make it easier for you. She can be a wonderful person but, perhaps the breakup was exactly what you needed to show you that although you were nice, she just isn't THE one for you.

[Hooo!]

Having a crush on someone or being in love
Is really fundamentally not the same feeling as deep love

Those two are as different as interest and passion.

You may not feel the crazyness you may not feels the butterflies anymore
And that is ok
It's normal


However if you think about her: how do you feel?
What do you want?
What do you want for her?
Do you want her to be as happy as she can possibly be?
Do you feel deep down a need to be with her regardless?

[mohit0]

if you think about her: how do you feel?
I want to be with her. Only problem is these negative thoughts that are annoying me.

What do you want?
I want to love her and be happy as well.

What do you want for her?
I want her to be happy

Do you want her to be as happy as she can possibly be?
Yes absolutely

Do you feel deep down a need to be with her regardless?
Yes

It's just when im with her and i feel normal-ish happy not as crazy as i used to feel. I feel like i dont love her and im doing wrong with her.

[Hooo!]

There is a fundamental difference between having a crush on someone
And loving them

The crush feeling eventually fades and vanishes
Love stays.

You simply have not know love before. You knew that crazy in love crush feeling.

Imagine just for a second that you quit the relationship
And after a week a month and a year
How would you feel about your life without her?

[TheEvilJester]

Again, none of us can read your mind and know which is the case. Are you realizing that you love her but aren't IN LOVE with her? Or are you just hitting the end of the "honeymoon" phase and things are now more so settling into normalcy. That can be an easy mistake to make. The exciting newness of a relationship always fades eventually. That normalcy doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing. It can actually be really good. It can be when you know each other completely, flaws and all, yet still want to be together. Or it can be when you realize you just aren't right for each other. At least not as a couple.

It's hard for us to really know which is the case for you, but I do wish you the best of luck in determining that.