My Friend belives that I have Sex with another guy

[Vika]

I am 32 years (female) old and my boy friend is 44 years old.
I love him very much and we have super Sex.
I have only one problem, he has the obsession, that i have sex with another guy
But this is not true.
He argues, that i show only little emotion. And he also says that after he has soken with me about it i suddenly show more intense emotion - like at the push of a button.
He says that my sudden change is very curious and that he doesn`t understand how this is possible.
I really love him i a do anything to make him happy
How can i convince him that my love is true and deep and that there is no other man in my life?

[whaywardj]

You can't. He has to convince himself. Or, at the very least, he has to get off your back about something that not's happening except in his own insecure and controlling little mind. If he CAN'T, you have to leave him because what he's trying to do is make you conform to his ideas of how you should feel and when you should feel that way. It's a form of abuse.

[Vika]

You can't. He has to convince himself. Or, at the very least, he has to get off your back about something that not's happening except in his own insecure and controlling little mind. If he CAN'T, you have to leave him because what he's trying to do is make you conform to his ideas of how you should feel and when you should feel that way. It's a form of abuse.

Maybe I should add that he had a bad childhood. His father tried to kill him and his sister when he was 14 years old. They both survived but his father committed suicide shortly after that. Maybe this shock last a whole life long?

[whaywardj]

Sheesh! Yes, I'd think SO. That's awful. But it's no excuse.

[Bluevetteracer]

Wayward is on que.

Try sitting down with him, take his hand, and tell him that you are not having sex with anyone other then him. Speak softly, and speak from your heart.

This is about him, not you. If he is unresponsive, or says he needs to think about it, then tell him you need to separate until he can take a leap of faith and trust and believe you. This is usually the start of a conditioning. He, through his own insecurities, is trying to set the mode of mistrust, which in turn makes you overtly concerned about the impropriety of another. So in effect you are on guard all the time, so as not to have any setting, event, or actions of cheating. Soon you will stop going out, as this will lead to him critiquing the time you came home, who you were with etc. Then a phone call from a co-worker that is male will lead to suspicions. It never ends. Guys who are like this really cause problems for the next good guy that comes along in your life.

Remember it is bad form to speak of past relationships. I have had many long term relationships, and of course we travel, and lived a life while we were together. When mentioning past experiences, I omit the past EX from the story. You may be mentioning your ex of hand and not know it. Unless asked about an EX, I never mention them. And if I do, it is vague, expressionless and to the point. Your past is just that, your past, other then being a learning experience for you, it has no bearing on any future relationships with someone, and they should not be overly concerned about your past unless in someway it effects them.

[whaywardj]

All makes perfect sense from where I sit, Vette. Especially what you say about ways a person can begin limiting her life merely for the sake of keeping someone else's mind at peace. To me, somewhere around in there is where the whole dynamic begins to tilt toward abuse. Since one abuse accepted generally leads to another worse one being delivered, the relationship can only degenerate if that particular momentum isn't, somehow, altered before it gets that far along.

[Vika]

All makes perfect sense from where I sit, Vette. Especially what you say about ways a person can begin limiting her life merely for the sake of keeping someone else's mind at peace. To me, somewhere around in there is where the whole dynamic begins to tilt toward abuse. Since one abuse accepted generally leads to another worse one being delivered, the relationship can only degenerate if that particular momentum isn't, somehow, altered before it gets that far along.

i think i should say that my friend and me first met in an marriage agency. my friend believes that all girls going to such agency are more or less like prostitutes. he says he loves me but its hard for him to believe that my love is honest.

[whaywardj]

Well, if he wasn't ready to deal with who he'd meet at a marriage agency, why did he go there in the first place? It's still on him.

[Mish]

Maybe I should add that he had a bad childhood. His father tried to kill him and his sister when he was 14 years old. They both survived but his father committed suicide shortly after that. Maybe this shock last a whole life long?

No wander, a shock like this would leave some very life longs scars. And many of these issues of trust whether with parents or partner can be interelated especially later on in life.

It could perhaps be that having suffered such a tremendous blow and lack of trust so early on in life he views that his trust is very sacred and has to be earned rather than given. I think it's a very deep psychological issue and seriously I would recommend proffesional help to deal with it.

Face to face you can talk to him about this as well as ask for proof and for his reasons for his baseless accusations (Innocent until proven guilty is how your a tried in a court), however I doubt this will do any good...

In any case, good luck!

[Only-virgins]

LoL! ..super sex....lol

[Bluevetteracer]

After reading all involved in the posts and I am sure there is more then small scratches listed here, I would consider moving on. I would sit down over dinner or lunch and have a nice heart to heart.

Your topics should include:
-Him trusting and respecting you.
-Dealing with whatever it is that is bothering him.
-Seek professional help if needed.

You have some work ahead of you; it may be a good time to pull the plug. If you feel you can work on it, good luck.

[Late_vamp]

wow , i dint know you owned the strip club downtown of Montreal city named super sex ... thats one of the best in all of montreal , its been there since the beginning 80's ....

[Lloyd95]

You can't. He has to convince himself. Or, at the very least, he has to get off your back about something that not's happening except in his own insecure and controlling little mind. If he CAN'T, you have to leave him because what he's trying to do is make you conform to his ideas of how you should feel and when you should feel that way. It's a form of abuse.

I agree with your posts, but disagree that it's "abuse".

[shh!]

I agree that abuse may not be the right word. I like manipulation better. Life is short - why don't you look for a man who isn't such a pain in the @ss?

[Lloyd95]

Life is short - why don't you look for a man who isn't such a pain in the @ss?

this could answer 95% of the threads here.