seriously ready to move out...

[misombra]

thanks roseb- i'll definitely try that.

::hugs::

[Asip4u]

Sorry to hear that misombra. I agree with Lloyd's first post. There's really not much you can do because he most likely won't change his ways. You can find a guy who's willing to help you out but you may find other things that bother you about him. You have to see how much of a burden this really is and act accordingly.

[whaywardj]

Sorry to hear about that, Misombra.

I'm thinking back on times when I was like that and I think it went something like this:

I didn't do this-or-that around the house which needed to be done a regular basis because I didn't have to. It -- whether laundry, dishes, house-cleaning, an unmade bed -- didn't bother me that much if it didn't get done. And some things, like dirty dishes, were just invisible to me. Why? Because SHE would always break down and do it all. Eventually.

When "she" went on strike and things ran out, I washed -- or bought again -- what I needed. Whichever was more convenient for me to do at the moment. But only what I needed for right then. I'd actually take two sets of dirty clothes out of the hamper and wash them, leaving the rest because I didn't want to bother with it. Or wash ONE plate from a sinkful. When "she" realized her strike was only causing MORE (newly purchased) items to appear in the hamper or the sink, she'd -- again -- break down and do what needed doing for her comfort.

Why was I like that? I have no ****ing idea. I've known how "keep house" since I was eight, even unto knowing how to mend clothes (sew) since I was ten. (Actually modified an old suit coat gone too small into a bolero jacket when I was 13, and, later on in my teens, converted an Army-Navy Surplus Officer's Great Coat into a killer wrap-around, repleat with a slash of mouton running along the double-breast from hem to collar.) So, lack of domestic acumen was certainly no excuse. It wasn't that I didn't know how, or didn't recognize when things had to be done. I just didn't want to to do them. Except when I felt like it.

I suspect my being that way had something to do with my believing that my working, paying bills, not philandering and being an, otherwise, good companion was more than adequate contribution to the relationship, and my not having to think about all the daily chores was fair and just payment for that contribution. Never occurred to me "she" had a life, too; or that, maybe, "she" might not want to have think about any of that stuff in precisely the manner I didn't. Never occurred to me, either, I was disregarding her wishes and her comfort...and what that might imply.

Quite sexist, actually.

Fortunately, I grew up.

Yes. I'd make very clear to him how seriously his domestic habits are affecting your relationship. Even unto letting him know it's enough now to cause you to move out, or have him move. He'll be amazed and unbelieving to hear it in such terms. Perhaps, even ridiculing. But a fact's a fact. Whatever else is going on, it's just not anything you can live with anymore, pure and simple.

[shh!]

Ahh, misombra!! I just now saw this thread. How did I miss it all day??

Stupid men!! Why must it always come to this to get them to grow up? Ugh! I feel for you. I'll tell you what I did to inspire my daughter to keep her room clean. I took away all her toys and gave them back one at a time. When she had enough that she was unable to keep them organized, I figured that was enough toys for her, and I threw the rest of them away. Maybe you can modify this technique to fit your big little boy.

You have my sympathy.

[misombra]

i think i'm going to start manipulating him with sex. no clean, no sex. it will be a strict, consistent policy that will start beginning today. i will be holding true to my belief that, in love and war, all is fair.

[whaywardj]

Yeah. No house-cleaning; no sex. Some house cleaning, some making-out. More house-cleaning, one feel...outside your clothes. Yet more house-cleaning, one feel inside your clothes. And so on.

Like that.

[whaywardj]

Hm. Radar, evidently. I posted mine the same instant you posted yours.

[Mish]

My condolences misombra. I agree with Hayward's post and I must confess I was guilty of that too...

I'm not quite sure what the best solution is, but I think maybe appointing Shh! as your personal advocate in this matter may help to solve this problem. Shh!'s hard handed technique with her kid has earned her a reputation of an Iron hand troubleshooter. Communicate to your SO through her and I'm pretty sure before you know it, the problem will be over

[Chlorine]

Misombra----I remember your 'cleaning' dilemma some months back. Hmmm...situation has not improved.

He's taking you for granted. You work hard, you contribute towards the bills and yet, a simple thing like washing his own mug or fork/spoon....he can't do that. Just leaves it in the sink to pile up.

So I'de say, the time for negotiation, discussion, compromise, withholding sex, etc etc IS OVER. When the lease is up, pack your stuff and return your set of keys to the landlord. Move out and find a place of your own where you don't have to clean up after him.

[shh!]

Hey misombra - something occurred to me while I was sleeping. (You see, women's grey matter is active even while we sleep!) Men, like children, need routine. Why don't you try making one day a week "cleaning" day, where you ALL participate at the same time. It should be the same day/time so they can get used to the idea of housework requiring regular maintenence. Make a complete list of what needs to be done and everyone picks from the list and works at nothing else until it is complete.

You see, women have grey matter that tells them when the tub is dirty, it needs to be cleaned. Men, lacking significant amounts of grey matter, are unable to make the connection. That is why they have to be scheduled.

:-)

[Junsui]

Shh!, you're great! lol

[TAVS]

"The study shows women having more white matter and men more gray matter related to intellectual skill, revealing that no single neuroanatomical structure determines general intelligence and that different types of brain designs are capable of producing equivalent intellectual performance." - UC Irvine

[url]http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/01/050121100142.htm[/url]

[Lloyd95]

Hey misombra - something occurred to me while I was sleeping. (You see, women's grey matter is active even while we sleep!) Men, like children, need routine. Why don't you try making one day a week "cleaning" day, where you ALL participate at the same time. It should be the same day/time so they can get used to the idea of housework requiring regular maintenence. Make a complete list of what needs to be done and everyone picks from the list and works at nothing else until it is complete.

You see, women have grey matter that tells them when the tub is dirty, it needs to be cleaned. Men, lacking significant amounts of grey matter, are unable to make the connection. That is why they have to be scheduled.

:-)

First, I don't think you should lump all men in this category; second, I think this is treating him as a child, which I doubt will work; I think he'll resent it actually.

[shh!]

Why is it more important that he not be resentful than misombra? She is ready to leave him over this. Besides, it is all in how you present it. She can butter him up before presenting this system. I think he loves her, and would probably like to see her happy, but is just lacking in his follow-thru. This is a way to give him the opportunity to improve before she leaves.

[shh!]

By the way, I don't really lump all men into this category. That part was only said in jest. (Carry over from another thread.) Neither my husband nor my son have this problem, but my daughter does.