Why does this always happen to me

[updraft]

Why did they break up in the first place?

[MastaPDiddy]

I would recommend a one on one conversation to find out where all the pieces stand. I think you should know for yourself what's going on. The way she came back to you with this so suddenly is not looking good at all. And I don't think you should be with her if she is already one foot out of the door...

I'd say talk to her, find out where everything stands, she should know that your feelings are not something to be played around with. I mean, she choose you this time, but what happens if she runs into another ex? How can you be certain of her choices in the future?

We've talked about it. And I;ve asked her to come clean about her feelings for me. She reassured me that no one has made as big an impact on her life as I have, and that she loves me more deeply than anyone.

to quote her she said "I know i told you i needed space to figure things out, but then i realized maybe you could help me get through this"

[Vanilla Gilr]

to quote her she said "I know i told you i needed space to figure things out, but then i realized maybe you could help me get through this"

I honestly don't mean to rain on your parade...but that may not be such a good thing. I mean, is she saying that you might be able to help her deal with whatever feelings she may have for her ex? I hope I misunderstood you...but if I didn't...that's a very vunerable place for you to be. I know...cuz I've been there...and ended up feeling like second choice...a consolation prize. He never meant to hurt me that way...but he did...and I allowed it. Think better of yourself than that...I wish I had.

[MastaPDiddy]

I honestly don't mean to rain on your parade...but that may not be such a good thing. I mean, is she saying that you might be able to help her deal with whatever feelings she may have for her ex? I hope I misunderstood you...but if I didn't...that's a very vunerable place for you to be. I know...cuz I've been there...and ended up feeling like second choice...a consolation prize. He never meant to hurt me that way...but he did...and I allowed it. Think better of yourself than that...I wish I had.

No no. She needs to deal with other things in her life. When she first explained this to me, she said that her whole life shes been with a guy, shes always a had a boyfriend. Shes only had 3 total, but all are long term. She says sometimes she feels like she doesn't know who she is as a person. Then she apparantly changed her mind about that. We have had about 3 conversation since this all happened. Believe me i bring up what happened everytime.

I just feel like everytime i bring it up, I put her in a position where she thinks I'm doubting her.


So I think I am not going to bring it up anymore....that or I may bring it up one last time. If o what questions should i raise?

[Junsui]

So, she's afraid to be alone?

[MastaPDiddy]

So, she's afraid to be alone?

Possibly. I just don't know how to question her.

[Junsui]

Probably so if she's always been in a relationship. Be careful with that.

[Mish]

We've talked about it. And I;ve asked her to come clean about her feelings for me. She reassured me that no one has made as big an impact on her life as I have, and that she loves me more deeply than anyone.

to quote her she said "I know i told you i needed space to figure things out, but then i realized maybe you could help me get through this"

This doesn't answer the question. How can you be certain that next time she won't leave you for her ex? I think you have every reason to doubt her. It was her who was confused about the relationship and NEEDED time to think about things before deciding the best option is you (After weighting different options no doubt)... I'm sorry to say this, but most of the time these events are very reoccuring...

[MastaPDiddy]

This doesn't answer the question. How can you be certain that next time she won't leave you for her ex? I think you have every reason to doubt her. It was her who was confused about the relationship and NEEDED time to think about things before deciding the best option is you (After weighting different options no doubt)... I'm sorry to say this, but most of the time these events are very reoccuring...

So what do you suggest I do?


What do I ask her specifically to find out what I need to find out?

[Tone]

"So how can I know this isn't going to happen again the next time he comes around?"

But the answer to that is: That's the risk we take when we date people, pal.

You just have to try not to worry about it and deal with it as it comes, in my opinion. There are one hundred thousand million reasons or situations we could set up in our minds of why we could break up with our S/O - but WHY BOTHER? Deal with them as they come, I say. Her ex came around, you guys are far apart, she got confused, she figured it out. Why keep beatin a dead horse?? Just gonna cause more problems. She said she wants to be with you - not him - why even bring it back up? Could it happen again? Sure. Could a meteor hit her and kill her and leave you single? Yes - are you going to ask her how you can be sure she's the right one for you - and not going to walk into any meteors soon and break your heart?

Does that make any sense? You can argue hundreds of possibilities of your breakup - but what's the point? I say deal with them as they come - in the meantime ENJOY YOURSELVES and your young love. Or work on real issues you might have - like communication, how you gonna be back physically together again, etc

[MastaPDiddy]

"So how can I know this isn't going to happen again the next time he comes around?"

But the answer to that is: That's the risk we take when we date people, pal.

You just have to try not to worry about it and deal with it as it comes, in my opinion. There are one hundred thousand million reasons or situations we could set up in our minds of why we could break up with our S/O - but WHY BOTHER? Deal with them as they come, I say. Her ex came around, you guys are far apart, she got confused, she figured it out. Why keep beatin a dead horse?? Just gonna cause more problems. She said she wants to be with you - not him - why even bring it back up? Could it happen again? Sure. Could a meteor hit her and kill her and leave you single? Yes - are you going to ask her how you can be sure she's the right one for you - and not going to walk into any meteors soon and break your heart?

Does that make any sense? You can argue hundreds of possibilities of your breakup - but what's the point? I say deal with them as they come - in the meantime ENJOY YOURSELVES and your young love. Or work on real issues you might have - like communication, how you gonna be back physically together again, etc

Damn. You're good at this. Thats the single best peice of advice I've gotten in a long time.

[Tone]

I learned the hard way.

It's like what I once heard misombra say - "Learn from other people's mistakes because life is too short to make them all yourself."

[clynn]

I agree. You gotta go with the risks. Or not. If it is too much to bear than walk away, but no relationship is guaranteed.

ALSO....sometimes....when people are getting closer to someone....they look to their past and her considering her ex is part of her moving forward. Maybe there were always a few issues outstanding with her ex, and sometimes you need to "clean the slate" so to speak to move onwards. I would almost consider it a GOOD thing that she has done this.

ALSO...I wonder if relationships aren't in a constant state of negotiation anyhow?

[Mish]

Thats a good advice Tone, but I personally would find it very uncomfortable being with somebody whose mind changes each time the wind blows. I think there is an issue of trust here that has been broken. Now there is an element of doubt in this particular relationship and that doubt will always be there in the background. If MastaPDiddy loves the girl enough to overlook it then I hope everything works out for the best.

I personally would have a long sit down with the girl to establish where everything stands and whether she will continue doubting her feelings if a situation such as what happened, again presents itself before I would even consider continuing going out with her...

[Rosebud]

Thats a good advice Tone, but I personally would find it very uncomfortable being with somebody whose mind changes each time the wind blows. I think there is an issue of trust here that has been broken. Now there is an element of doubt in this particular relationship and that doubt will always be there in the background. If MastaPDiddy loves the girl enough to overlook it then I hope everything works out for the best.

I personally would have a long sit down with the girl to establish where everything stands and whether she will continue doubting her feelings if a situation such as what happened, again presents itself before I would even consider continuing going out with her...

As I was reading more posts about bringing all this stuff back up to her and questioning her reasoning I couldn't disagree more and Tone broke it down better than I ever could.

Mish how do you know her mind changes so frequently? You don't know her personally and for her to take some time away to figure out her feelings is not a bad thing and I don't know why people always assume the second soemone steps back to figure things out about themself.

This has nothing to dow ith trust. She was upfront about everything she had said and then worked her OWN problem out and even asked him to help her through it. To me that sounds like a pretty damn good sign. No matter what happened with her ex no matter what she had said...they are back togehter and they are working through all this. Be happy for them and stop making him think of other things that COULD POSSIBLY go wrong in t e future..if it happens they can then deal with it then.